I have known a guy for almost 3 years and he won't meet me in person...

[soconfused1022]

I am going to block him. He called again this afternoon. He has a lot of nerve to do so. The thought of even talking to him now makes my skin crawl. He is nothing but a user.

[lavenderdove]

^^

Good! I know how hard it is to walk away when you've invested a lot of time and hope in a person, but it just doesn't pay to throw good money after bad. When you feel sad or upset, try to remind yourself that you had the best of intentions, so you do have the capacity to love, and just need to find the right person to give your love to. Focus on finding someone local who is available for dating right away that you can verify is honorable and rather than a carefully constructed facade like this guy was.

 

I think this kind of emotional thief/bandit is sadly one of the huge risks of online dating, and they need to be weeded out early on. Online dating can be very successful, but i think it is best to keep it to reasonably local guys to avoid the pitfalls like this.

[soconfused1022]

Before I blocked his number last night he called again and sent me a text. The text said and I quote "I thought we had a nice conversation the other night, guess not". Are you kidding me??????????????????? This guy is whacked. Acting like he is mad at me and that I did something wrong. What a loser!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lavenderdove]

Incredibly selfish or narcissistic people have a different view of the world... what is 'right' to them is anything that gets them what they want, and what is 'wrong' is anything that deprives them of what they want. He is used to having open and continuous access to the emotional nurturing and attention you give him, and all he is thinking about is that you are 'bad' for not giving him what he wants. It never occurs to him that he is bad for lying to you and using you for emotional gratification.

 

You ought to read up on narcissists... they are really after a source of 'narcissitic supply' (attention and someone else filling their needs), and are quite hollow people who have trouble being on their own without a lot of people giving them what they want every minute of the day... The world is supposed to revolve around them in their own minds, and they just don't get normal morals and empathy for other people. They can be quite sweet when getting their own way, but because it is all about them, they can be beastly if they don't get what they want, and have a *mammoth* sense of entitlement to get everything they want and give nothing in return.

 

You will be so pleasantly suprised when you start dating a *normal* guy who treats you with respect and consideration, rather than just stroking you to get what he wants out of you.

[soconfused1022]

I know he will never take any responsibility for what he has done. He won't ever see himself as a bad person or that he did anything wrong. I am ok with that now. I have all the closure that I need. I know he will never be a happy person, I just hope he doesn't get away doing the same thing to somebody else that he did to me.

[lavenderdove]

^^

Sadly, he will probably do it again and again since he is sees nothing wrong with it and there are millions of women on online dating services for him to entice into this kind of masquerade.

 

The guy i know who does this has left a whole string of women with broken hearts behind him, and his m.o. hasn't changed in 25 years! He usually has several women on the string at once, and when one catches on and drops off, he just adds another one to the fray, so he's always got backups and new ones in the pipeline.

[soconfused1022]

^^

Sadly, he will probably do it again and again since he is sees nothing wrong with it and there are millions of women on online dating services for him to entice into this kind of masquerade.

 

The guy i know who does this has left a whole string of women with broken hearts behind him, and his m.o. hasn't changed in 25 years! He usually has several women on the string at once, and when one catches on and drops off, he just adds another one to the fray, so he's always got backups and new ones in the pipeline.

I am really struggling to find peace with what happened. I will never get an apology from him and it is hard trying to make sense of all of it. I got absolutely NOTHING out of this situation. This is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I feel stupid and like I am the biggest fool on earth.

[lavenderdove]

No, of course you're not the biggest fool in the universe! People get lied to and deceived constantly, and many times by those they are closest to. There is a good book called 'When your lover is a liar' by Susan Forward that talks about how these kind of 'love thieves' work and what to do about it. It might help if you read it.

 

The internet and long distance dating has also created a climate where intimate emotional relationships can be formed between people who rarely see each other. Love and emotions do really overcome common sense a lot, and if you are running on the hope that one day you'll be together, the kind of close phone/email/chat contact that can be easily had will keep things going on forever if one person is being deceptive and just wants to have emotional affairs with no real responsibility or contact or having change their 'real' life. It's really an addiction for some of them, where they use the constant but controllable contact as a quick fix to boredom, loneliness, anger, whatever, but they don''t really have to come up with a 'real' life with you.

 

So no, you're not the biggest fool, this happens all the time and more than anyone knows. And no, you won't get an apology from him either, any more than an addict would feel the need to apology for taking a drug he feels he needs. In his head, he needs it, it makes him feel good, and he *assumes* he can control the situation and keep it going for as along as he needs it. And if it falls apart, he gets another woman to supply the 'drug' (the attention, stimulation etc.). That's what he was after, and he just sold you a false bill of goods because you wanted the whole enchilada and not just attention and stimulation.

 

So focus on the fact that you are entitled to receive everything you want, and you need to go out and get it, in fact, DEMAND it, and if you're not getting what you need from someone, don't live on hope or empty promises. Actively get what you want, or actively get gone!

[soconfused1022]

Thank you so much for being so kind to me in your replies. I got a card from him in the mail yesterday. It goes against my nature to not be kind and tell him thank you but I won't. It is pointless.

[lavenderdove]

Remember, he is trying every trick in his arsenal to woo you back... doesn't mean anything other than he wants it back the way it was... he could have fixed this ANY TIME by saying, i'm getting on a plane on X day at X time and come pick me up at the airport, not, i'll see you in 6 months, no 12 months, no 3 years, no NEVER!

 

He doesn't deserve your consideration and kindness, given he lead you on for 3 years. There is NO EXCUSE in today's world not to hop a plane to visit someone, when plane fares can be bought to take you cross country for a couple hundred bucks.

 

Remember that when you feel the urge to be 'polite' back... What he wants from you is an emotional affair, not a real relationship, and there is nothing in that for you.

[soconfused1022]

Remember, he is trying every trick in his arsenal to woo you back... doesn't mean anything other than he wants it back the way it was... he could have fixed this ANY TIME by saying, i'm getting on a plane on X day at X time and come pick me up at the airport, not, i'll see you in 6 months, no 12 months, no 3 years, no NEVER!

 

He doesn't deserve your consideration and kindness, given he lead you on for 3 years. There is NO EXCUSE in today's world not to hop a plane to visit someone, when plane fares can be bought to take you cross country for a couple hundred bucks.

 

Remember that when you feel the urge to be 'polite' back... What he wants from you is an emotional affair, not a real relationship, and there is nothing in that for you.

I have my good days and bad days. Today I am so angry. I just want to scream at him and tell him off but I know it wouldn't do any good. I know he will never take any responsibility for what he has done. How can one human being do that to another. Say things and manipulate people and then when they get caught they move right on to another person without a second thought about their actions or the harm they have done. The thing that eats at me the most is that this guy claims to be so religious and involved in his church. How can that really be true if he can treat people the way he does.

[Taikero]

If he'd lie to you about everything else, can he not lie about his spiritual life as well?

 

He's trash and doesn't deserve the effort to understand him.

[soconfused1022]

I am just having a really bad day today. I feel so down, like I am never going to be able to get past it. I know it will take some time to perspective on things and that I will look back one day and not care. It hurts a lot to be so deceived by someone.

[lavenderdove]

It will take some time... you have to go thru all the grieving stages, shock, denial, despair, bargaining, anger to get to healing and acceptance. Unfortunately there is no short cut there...

 

You will cycle thru these a lot in the early stages, but you will return to the earlier stages less and less, and eventually you will be fine. It is like healing a broken bone, where you just can't run overnight, as much as you'd like to.

 

So just hang in there and try to distract yourself as much as possible. Time will do its magic after a while.

[savannahohsavannah]

I've seen similar situations like this one, the people never meet because one of them keeps thwarting it. In fact, one of my epals Kristina keeps getting turned down for meeting by her online bf, and it doesn't make her upset in the slightest. She still swears by him. I don't say anything, because I like her and don't want to seem unkind, or point out things that she's not ready to see. With that in mind, please take what I am about to say with many grains of salt: not one whit of it is meant to hurt you.

 

You never know if the guys you meet online are truthful! A great many of them who do no-show dates, are perhaps conflicted, and would not be able to meet anyone in real life, so this is their substitute: online romance that does not trigger their commitmentphobic tendencies. Until you have to meet them! And then, they don't show.

 

As a potential partner to one of these guys I can tell you that you will have no success with no FACE TIME! I have become the face time advocate in romance since being online and looking for romance. Without plenty of getting to know you, nothing good will happen: no life together, no interpersonal ties that bind, unless you spend a lot of time with each other.

 

So, I don't really see anything from this guy except what you have now. Are you down with that?

 

Savannah

[soconfused1022]

No I am absolutely not ok with it at all. I know he did meet someone in person from Colorado a couple of years ago. I only recently found this out. He saw her only once but has been leading her on ever since telling her they will see each other again and that he is looking for a job there in Colorado. The same kind of stuff he told me.

 

*I also wanted to add that I saw some pictures of him on facebook. I think from looking at them it is fairly obvious he has been photo shopping his pictures. He doesn't look nearly as handsome as I thought and he definitely has a beer belly* Not to be mean but I have to say seeing that did help me. He isn't all that and he obviously isn't a nice person either! His loss, not mine!!

[soconfused1022]

I saw the pics on one of his friends facebook page not his. Most of the pics on his page are old.

[lavenderdove]

Yep, the old bait and switch... He could be much older and lying about his age, and perhaps photoshopping out the wedding ring too!

 

The married guy who tried to con me 'sanitized' his Facebook page to show only pictures of himself at either work functions or in macho poses with his motorcycle or out in the desert in riding gear etc., but if you linked thru to his friends' photos, you could see pictures of him WITH HIS WIFE on other people's pages and his family member's pages, with her at the family functions with him.

 

Thank heavens some people don't understand how FB works and he didn't know that i could link to his friends and find out his true status in those pictures!

[soconfused1022]

Yep, the old bait and switch... He could be much older and lying about his age, and perhaps photoshopping out the wedding ring too!

 

The married guy who tried to con me 'sanitized' his Facebook page to show only pictures of himself at either work functions or in macho poses with his motorcycle or out in the desert in riding gear etc., but if you linked thru to his friends' photos, you could see pictures of him WITH HIS WIFE on other people's pages and his family member's pages, with her at the family functions with him.

 

Thank heavens some people don't understand how FB works and he didn't know that i could link to his friends and find out his true status in those pictures!

Exactly, and no offense but the girl in Denver he has been talking to is not very attractive whatsover. I should not say that because it's not her fault and she hasn't caught on to him yet. It does help though. He isn't worth it. It is my 3rd day of total NC and I feel better everyday! I don't think this guy is married, I think he is for sure stringing multiple women along. I am sure he has others in the pipeline now that I have moved on besides the Denver girl.

[Batya33]

Exactly, and no offense but the girl in Denver he has been talking to is not very attractive whatsover. I should not say that because it's not her fault and she hasn't caught on to him yet. It does help though. He isn't worth it. It is my 3rd day of total NC and I feel better everyday! I don't think this guy is married, I think he is for sure stringing multiple women along. I am sure he has others in the pipeline now that I have moved on besides the Denver girl.

 

You have no idea what she looks like in person, how old that photo is, etc. Haven't you ever met someone who photographs poorly but is very attractive in person? Do you really think it is "stringing along" or is he just chatting with women who are willing to chat with him even though he never makes a specific time/place plan to meet them in person? I would agree with you if he made specific plans to meet in person, didn't show up and then lied about the reason in order to get the woman to make more plans with him. But typing and talking to women he's never met in person - that's their risk - just like it was yours - that they might get attached and want an in person meeting to see if they should date, while he might want to keep it to typing and talking.

 

Look, I am sorry that you wasted your time on this guy for as long as you did and I'm sorry he didn't want to meet you in person and never came out and said it, just wouldn't make specific plans. He should have been more direct but I don't think he owes you - or any other woman he is typing to - an explanation as to why he chooses not to meet them in person. It's fine if the women decide, after the first time he chooses not to make plans, to cut off contact with him but I don't see his actions as any kind of promise to meet in person on a specific day, let alone have a romantic relationship.

[soconfused1022]

No offense but you have no idea what you are talking about. He promised to meet me on numerous occasions and we didnt just type to each other. This was a person I talked to on the phone at least 4 or 5 times a day for almost 3 years. I know it is hard for some people to understand but the guy was a HUGE part of my life. I told him things I have never told anyone. He told me he was looking for a job in my city etc. Why would he say that?? Like I said you don't know what you are talking about.

 

I just only recently found out about the girl in Denver, I had no idea. He has been talking to her for 2 years. Telling her the same things he was telling me. He is looking for a job there etc. He is not a nice person. He plays with peoples lives.

 

You are entitled to your opinon of course. But please don't try and tell me how I am supposed to feel because you have no idea.

[ladyblue07]

I am glad that you at least finally have some kind of closure on this situation. I'm sure that now that you can heal from this and move on you will find a guy who is more honest and deserving of your time. I think we all have had relationships that served just as an example of what NOT to put up with.

[Batya33]

Sorry, from your posts it sounded like he never agreed to a specific time and place and that your interactions consisted of typing and talking. I have no doubt he was a big part of your life - I have several friends I have never met in person who I consider close friends. My focus was on whether he wanted a romantic relationship with you and from his actions he did not since he did not even put in the effort to meet you in person. He likely felt lots of strong feelings for you - and you for him - that was not the point I was making.

 

I am not telling you how you are supposed to feel - I am suggesting that you avoid crititquing the other woman's looks because that is unattractive on your part, for lack of a better word - aren't you a bigger person than that?

 

As far as looking for a job in your city - how many times did he interview? Did he send any resumes to your city? Talk with recruiters? What specific actions did he take? That's my focus - his actions are not consistent with wanting a romantic relationship with you and that is why I think it was a mistake on your part to rely so much on his words when his actions were so inconsistent with wanting a relationship (and I mean in person romantic relationship but to me "in person" is assumed as part of "romantic relationship").

[soconfused1022]

Like I said you are entitled to your opinion and I appreciate you responding to my post. I know I share part of the blame for what happened. I know that I should have stopped talking to him long ago. All I am saying is after talking to someone for so long and talking for hours upon hours upon hours he owes me as a person some basic human kindness in the end. I am a human being with thoughts and feelings. If the situation was reversed I know at the least that I would do that for someone and try to help them understand why no matter if I consider someone a "friend" or in a romantic relationship. My point is he doesn't care but in so so many ways he led me to believe that he did.

[DN]

I don't think this is a question of blame on your part. Just not looking after your own best interests.

 

And those best interests might be better served if you were able to move on from this rather than dwelling on it. For instance, what are you doing about meeting other people face to face in your immediate area?