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I have known a guy for almost 3 years and he won't meet me in person...

soconfused1022

By soconfused1022
in Online Dating

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OntheWire Apprentice

OntheWire

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What is the nature of this relationship? Friendship? Romantic? If it's just an extended online friendship, then I don't see why there's an absolute need to meet. You're just two people that enjoy talking to each other. Now, if you have some romantic interest in him and you've never told him, then that's a problem.

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soconfused1022 Newbie

soconfused1022

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What is the nature of this relationship? Friendship? Romantic? If it's just an extended online friendship, then I don't see why there's an absolute need to meet. You're just two people that enjoy talking to each other. Now, if you have some romantic interest in him and you've never told him, then that's a problem.

I am interested in him romantically and he is well aware of it. He has expressed the same. It's time to let him go if he won't keep his word and meet me. I believe what Capricon3 said, he is just stringing me along.

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doiiiieeezie Contributor

doiiiieeezie

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I am interested in him romantically and he is well aware of it. He has expressed the same. It's time to let him go if he won't keep his word and meet me. I believe what Capricon3 said, he is just stringing me along.

 

He is, I'm sorry.

 

It could be for one of many things including

 

1- He's married or involved with someone else

2- He is comfortable with the illusion only

3- Fear. Fear is a powerful motivator in many negative ways

 

I say this because I too was once like you who was "an emotional friend"(his terms, not mine) to someone for years on end. It made a mess of a lot of things, including my relationships with others. You're finally seeing the light of the tunnel in which you can block his SN's, emails and such. I actually recommend you make it clear to him that this will not continue and stick with it. Then allow yourself to breathe after this soul-sucking interaction.

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soconfused1022 Newbie

soconfused1022

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He is, I'm sorry.

 

It could be for one of many things including

 

1- He's married or involved with someone else

2- He is comfortable with the illusion only

3- Fear. Fear is a powerful motivator in many negative ways

 

I say this because I too was once like you who was "an emotional friend"(his terms, not mine) to someone for years on end. It made a mess of a lot of things, including my relationships with others. You're finally seeing the light of the tunnel in which you can block his SN's, emails and such. I actually recommend you make it clear to him that this will not continue and stick with it. Then allow yourself to breathe after this soul-sucking interaction.

You are so right!!! He likes the idea of me MORE than he wants the reality of me!! It's not going to end well. It is best if I end it now because it is effecting every part of my life. I don't always want to wonder "what if" but I know I have tried my best so it's really all on him. I am not gonna let him string me along anymore.

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sidehop Proficient

sidehop

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If I was a woman...I would've dumped him. I mean seriously, don't put up with this guy for three years. That's THREE years of time you wasted on this guy that didn't want to meet. There isn't much to be expected with a guy like that even if for some miracle he does come out to see you.

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DN Grand Master

DN

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Thanks so much everyone for writing back to me. I ignored his morning text and am going NC. I can't do this anymore. I will probably be making many posts here because he will try to sweet talk and manipulate his way back.

Well, you have a choice as well - this isn't just about what he does.

 

You have options, such as:

 

  • go back to what you were doing (not a good idea)
  • ignore him (not a good idea)
  • tell him that you either meet within a month or you are going to cut him off
  • tell him you are going to cut him off

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soconfused1022 Newbie

soconfused1022

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Well, you have a choice as well - this isn't just about what he does.

 

You have options, such as:

 

  • go back to what you were doing (not a good idea)
  • ignore him (not a good idea)
  • tell him that you either meet within a month or you are going to cut him off
  • tell him you are going to cut him off

I am going to cut him off. I am writing an email now, just making sure that I say everything I want to before I send it. I have tried to talk to him on the phone he will just avoid and/or say he has to go. I would rather just send the email and be done with him.

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waveseer Rising Star

waveseer

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I am going to cut him off. I am writing an email now, just making sure that I say everything I want to before I send it. I have tried to talk to him on the phone he will just avoid and/or say he has to go. I would rather just send the email and be done with him.

 

I have a bit of advice for you. Make your own list of all the reasons you have for letting go of him so that when you're feeling blue you can review it and affirm for yourself that you've made the right decision and you would make it the same way again. There is no avoiding the pain, but adding insult to injury by second guessing yourself is unnecessary.

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waveseer Rising Star

waveseer

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I think that is a great idea. It is so hard but I know I am doing what is best for me. I should have done it long ago. I feel like an idiot. I know I am never going to meet him.

 

This is your rational side being in control. If you cultivate that type of thinking it will lessen your pain and hasten your healing. I went back and forth so much and ultimately I was torturing myself. Please learn from my unnecessary pain.

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jengh Experienced

jengh

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I knew my bf nearly 3 years before we met... BUT, in that time we were figuring out a way to meet. He lived in England and I in America, so it was VERY long distance. Add into the equation we're both dirt poor, I'm a student and he was finishing up when we met... but he WANTED to see me and was proactive about it.

 

This guy you're "dating"? Talking to? seems to think you're convenient. It's like a girlfriend without the commitment for him. I've seen this happen a lot, both on this site and with my friends in real life.

 

Time to cut this one loose and find a local boy! If that's you in your avatar, you will have guys banging down your door I see you've joined a dating site--great first step!

 

I too think he may be married. Just because you talk constantly doesn't mean he's single.. just saying.

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soconfused1022 Newbie

soconfused1022

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This is your rational side being in control. If you cultivate that type of thinking it will lessen your pain and hasten your healing. I went back and forth so much and ultimately I was torturing myself. Please learn from my unnecessary pain.

Waveseer, how long were you in a similar situation? What happened in the end?

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waveseer Rising Star

waveseer

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Waveseer, how long were you in a similar situation? What happened in the end?

 

Yes, I was. The end result is that there is nothing he could ever do to convince me that he cares about me, and that makes me confident in my decision to continue to dismiss any feelings I have from time to time.

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soconfused1022 Newbie

soconfused1022

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Yes, I was. The end result is that there is nothing he could ever do to convince me that he cares about me, and that makes me confident in my decision to continue to dismiss any feelings I have from time to time.

I know what you mean. Because if he did he would be knocking on your front door wanting to see you. That is how I know I am right. Everyone keeps telling me that if a man really wants you nothing will get in his way. Three years and nothing, he has my address. I will settle for nothing less than him banging on my front door. I know that will never happen though.

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waveseer Rising Star

waveseer

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I know what you mean. Because if he did he would be knocking on your front door wanting to see you. That is how I know I am right. Everyone keeps telling me that if a man really wants you nothing will get in his way. Three years and nothing, he has my address. I will settle for nothing less than him banging on my front door. I know that will never happen though.

 

There is one more conclusion which will hopefully not take you too long to reach. And that is, even if he did show up it would be for his own selfish reasons and not because he actually cares about you.

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soconfused1022 Newbie

soconfused1022

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There is one more conclusion which will hopefully not take you too long to reach. And that is, even if he did show up it would be for his own selfish reasons and not because he actually cares about you.

What do you think the end game is for people that do this sort of thing? He has some deep rooted insecurties? That when we actually meet he thinks it won't be the same? I just want the truth, bottom line. A direct answer, I don't care how badly it hurts. I want and deserve that. He doesn't want to give it so I have to accept that no answer actually is my answer.

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soconfused1022 Newbie

soconfused1022

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I'm sorry but we're talking within country and he can't make a weekend trip? Something is clearly wrong with this picture. That's less than a six hour flight. Did you at any point give an indication you wanted to come up and see him?

I know and you are right. That is why I signed up on here and am going to end it. It's ridiculous and I know that I have to take part of the blame for letting it continue for so long.

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soconfused1022 Newbie

soconfused1022

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I know and you are right. That is why I signed up on here and am going to end it. It's ridiculous and I know that I have to take part of the blame for letting it continue for so long.

I have offered to go and see him many times. He always says "yes that would be great, let's make plans". He never follows through. The last time I asked he said "sometime this summer". That's not an answer.

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