Go with your gut feeling

[cherryberry123]

There are many amazing people of ENA, but I think I call it quits.

 

I don't think ENA is helping me in anyway.

 

There are many people looking to get support and get advice on here, and I think it's great.

But I think everyone needs to keep something in mind: Make your own decisions and listen to yourself.

 

I'm the type of person that has everyone else control my decisions in life. I am never confident in my own. Even with this breakup, I turned to everyone but myself.."Don't text him" "Go no contact" " "Email him but.." etc etc.

I have been going to counseling for 4 months now, but I think my last session really made me realize something.

I need to listen to my gut feeling..cause it's never wrong.

We all went through that phase right before the breakup where our gut feeling was telling us something was wrong. We knew something was wrong. Our partners denied there was anything concerning them, but we knew.

 

We know what is best for ourselves. We have all the answers within us. I can admit that I post questions on here even though i know the answer. I want validation for the actions I make, but no one knows the answer best but myself. You know why? Cause no one knows how my relationship was between my ex and I..except him and I. No one can tell me how to feel, cause they are not in my shoes. People can tell me to move on and let go, but they can't tell me how to..cause they don't know how I'm feeling!

 

... and I'm not talking about the "Oh man, I feel like texting him..so I will!". Don't mix your emotions with rationality. Even before you decide to send him that text, you have a sense of doubt. IF YOU HAVE ANY DOUBT, DON'T DO IT!

 

I decided I will hang out with my ex in 2 months. I've been having this in my head for months, and my gut feeling is telling me to do so. There is no doubt in my mind anymore, people are just trying to make me doubt it. I rather regret my own decisions than regret having other people make my decision.

 

I don't even think that made any sense. LOL. Sorry for this random rant.

[newwave]

Very true, only you know what's going on. However, as strange as this seems, sometimes strangers see something you don't. When I started posting I needed validation that the one I love was coming back. Many people said he wasn't coming back and I got mad. Guess what? He hasn't come back. He might still but probably won't.

[cherryberry123]

Very true, only you know what's going on. However, as strange as this seems, sometimes strangers see something you don't. When I started posting I needed validation that the one I love was coming back. Many people said he wasn't coming back and I got mad. Guess what? He hasn't come back. He might still but probably won't.

 

But you knew he wasn't going back, but you wanted people to tell you otherwise..am I correct?

I can see your point. I'm just trying to make sure people really listen to themselves. Accept advice but don't let it taint your own decisions. You know yourself best.

I think I'm just sick and tired of people telling me what to do. I know they're trying to help, but I feel like a mindless puppet. Even with the last email I sent him, every intricate detail was analyzed and formulated by others. This shouldn't be this hard.

Him and I broke up. Nothing more. I feel like I'm treating this breakup like rocket science...so many calculated moves. I'm sick of it

[newwave]

But you knew he wasn't going back, but you wanted people to tell you otherwise..am I correct?

I can see your point. I'm just trying to make sure people really listen to themselves. Accept advice but don't let it taint your own decisions. You know yourself best.

I think I'm just sick and tired of people telling me what to do. I know they're trying to help, but I feel like a mindless puppet. Even with the last email I sent him, every intricate detail was analyzed and formulated by others. This shouldn't be this hard.

Him and I broke up. Nothing more. I feel like I'm treating this breakup like rocket science...so many calculated moves. I'm sick of it

 

No, in my mind I kept thinking he was coming back and kept telling that to myself. People (here and offline) kept telling me he wasn't coming back but I felt he was. As weeks turned into months I realized he wasn't coming back. I think we all want the perfect life and feel we deserve it (and we do) but of course life doesn't work that way.

[karvala]

But you knew he wasn't going back, but you wanted people to tell you otherwise..am I correct?

I can see your point. I'm just trying to make sure people really listen to themselves. Accept advice but don't let it taint your own decisions. You know yourself best.

I think I'm just sick and tired of people telling me what to do. I know they're trying to help, but I feel like a mindless puppet. Even with the last email I sent him, every intricate detail was analyzed and formulated by others. This shouldn't be this hard.

Him and I broke up. Nothing more. I feel like I'm treating this breakup like rocket science...so many calculated moves. I'm sick of it

 

ENA is, mercifully, a place of diverse opinions. Although the majority voice will shift this way or that way in different situations, you'll always hear a variety of views.

 

For example, while some people will certainly tell you to be extremely careful in the exact wording of an e-mail sent to your ex, I would tell you that a relationhip cannot be built, or rebuilt, on something which is so fragile that the wrong phrasing can entirely destroy it.

 

If someone wants to be with you, they will be much more forgiving of your imperfections than that. It's easy to get caught up with the game-playing, but really calculation is for the last 10%; the first 90% is goodwill and forgiveness.

 

In terms of getting outside opinions, it can be useful in giving you a perspective (or hopefully several different perspectives) that you hadn't thought of on your own. Of course you shouldn't just blindly accept any advice that you receive from anywhere, or do something simply because someone tells you to, but I think the external input can be very helpful in formulating or modifying your own decisions. Following your instincts is one thing (and not always foolproof, btw); closing off outside input is something quite different.

[Mauxly]

You don't have to call it quits on ENA. Just tell us that you think our advice is bunk and you are going to do what you want to do (I think this can be very healthy).

 

I did that.

 

I had to eat crow afterwards because I was wrong...but...I did it, and I'll do it again darn it!

 

It is our lives. We are here to support each other, not control each other. New experiences, especially ones that subvert the dominant paradigm are valuable. Don't leave, just argue, stand your ground, tell us we are wrong. Tell us about your successes and failures.

 

We need the rebels. We do.

[fuddiduddy]

(Hmmm. I predict this is gonna turn into a big thread.)

 

Anyways, all you really must do is filter the advice you receive. This goes for any situation where you're trying gather advice from multiple people.

 

For me, I love to read diverse opinions, based on diverse experiences. Some tidbits of advice would naturally be more applicable to me than others. And, still, other tidbits would go from just insanely crazy and immature (as it may apply to my situation) to 100% logical and accurate. At the end of the day, no one's relationship will be identical to yours. No one's. Never. Therefore, it is important that you apply logic and common sense when using any type of advice, anywhere. It pays to be informed and armed with facets that you may have not thought of on your own. Take what you need and simply discard the rest.

 

The bottom line? filter, filter, filter, filter, filter, filter, filter, filter.

 

And then hope for the best. It's all you can do.

[cherryberry123]

I try to filter alot of the advice...but it's hard not to be swayed.

 

I'm more concerned that some of this advice is conjuring up crazy thoughts in my head.

Everyone, including myself, seem to overanalyze alot of situations. I just want to take everything at face value.

I've noticed there isn't much variety in advice..people either agree or disagree with my decisions...people either say NC or contact.

 

I feel trapped.

My ex doesn't hate me. I don't hate him.

I feel like if I can't make my own decisions, I will start feeling resentment. Like I said, I rather regret the decisions I made on my own..rather than other people's.

[cherryberry123]

I'm also starting to think constant time on ENA is making the healing process longer...

[Mauxly]

I feel like if I can't make my own decisions, I will start feeling resentment. Like I said, I rather regret the decisions I made on my own..rather than other people's.

 

Do you feel like you can't make your own decisions because we are pressuring you? Or are you just really confused on what that decision is and all of the different advice only confuses you more? I can see that.

 

You should go with your gut. And know that it may backfire, and it may not.

I've found that the most straight forward path to the truth is honesty and action. This is counter to a lot of the NC advice given here.

 

Mind you, I said straight forward path to the truth. Not path to reconciliation, not the path to what I want...just the path to the truth. Which is sometimes the last thing we really want to know.

[waveseer]

Everyone here who heals past a certain point is quite capable of making their own informed, rational decisions. Asking for feedback at that point is mostly offering food for thought to those who read the topic.

 

The cool thing about this place is that once you reach that point you can help others reach it too by sharing your experience, strength, and hope.

[cherryberry123]

Do you feel like you can't make your own decisions because we are pressuring you? Or are you just really confused on what that decision is and all of the different advice only confuses you more? I can see that.

 

You should go with your gut. And know that it may backfire, and it may not.

I've found that the most straight forward path to the truth is honesty and action. This is counter to a lot of the NC advice given here.

 

Mind you, I said straight forward path to the truth. Not path to reconciliation, not the path to what I want...just the path to the truth. Which is sometimes the last thing we really want to know.

 

More so confused because of the swaying advice..half say go NC,the other half says go ahead.

Or I would think to myself "...okay, this is what I'm going to do. This feels right, I thought it through, it's worth it..."...but then someone tells me otherwise.

I feel like my mental health is being sacrificed for this. I know what feels right.

It's easy for people to give advice because they won't need to pay for the consequences.

I don't want to rethink back to this, and wonder "what if.."

 

We live once.

[Mauxly]

More so confused because of the swaying advice..half say go NC,the other half says go ahead.

Or I would think to myself "...okay, this is what I'm going to do. This feels right, I thought it through, it's worth it..."...but then someone tells me otherwise.

I feel like my mental health is being sacrificed for this. I know what feels right.

It's easy for people to give advice because they won't need to pay for the consequences.

I don't want to rethink back to this, and wonder "what if.."

 

We live once.

 

 

I get it. I do.

Didn't you mention that you had a therapist? I'd say that's the best advice you are going to get.

[Tired Tiger]

While there are certainly some who offer pragmatic, psychological advice, wisdom, and insight, the overwhelming majority of a forum like this is populated by those still emotionally engaged in their own situations. The result is a lot of projection and negativity, which may be part of what the OP is eluding to.

 

A person's instinct may be far more accurate in any given situation than the advice of a thousand strangers, provided one has moved far enough into emotional stability to trust said instincts...

[Mauxly]

A person's instinct may be far more accurate in any given situation than the advice of a thousand strangers, provided one has moved far enough into emotional stability to trust said instincts...

 

Agreed. The trick is knowing when you've moved into emotional stability. We all know what a rollercoaster these things are.

 

I think the answer is that there are no right answers. We do what we do, we learn from our mistakes, and we don't always get what we want.

 

I think the only really consistent 'right' answer I've seen on here is not to beg, plead, sabotage, stalk or all of the other things we instinctively want to do when we've had our hearts broken. Of course, I could be wrong about that too. Maybe the stalking and pleading has worked in a handful of instances?

 

I know the no contact advice did not work in my case. Not at all. It made me obsess even more. Then I got back with him. And then he broke my heart over again. I flat out ignored all the ENA advice. And it didn't turn out the way I wanted. And you know what? I'd do the exact same thing even knowing the outcome, because I had to make some big mistakes to get to the truth: that man is never going to be able to love me the way I need to be loved.

[cherryberry123]

I get it. I do.

Didn't you mention that you had a therapist? I'd say that's the best advice you are going to get.

 

That is the advice she gave me...

To sum it up she said..

1) No one can tell you how to feel or tell you how you're feeling. I remember I told my ex this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through...his response? " I'm sure it's not, you had a relationship with Alex for 4 years...". How would he know? It IS the hardest thing I have gone through.

2) You know yourself best. You knew your relationship/breakup best..

3) Making your own decisions...while still protecting yourself from getting hurt.

4) You live once. Decisions are final once made. I rather make decisions that were of my own. This is my life, not my mom's..or my friends...etc. People can give advice and it's easy...even if it's the wrong advice, they don't have to pay the consequence

[squirl]

Personally, I think if it's answers you're seeking, the first person to ask would be the ex.

 

IMO, people come here when they are unable or unwilling to talk to the ex, or just going through the process of accepting the ex's decision to break up.

[cherryberry123]

Also, I think no matter how much advice we give eachother...we only learn from our own experience and hurt.

I knew I needed to stop contact with him, I even told him I needed to stop talking to him...the only way I learned was by getting hurt.

[shessofly]

i didn't have this forum when i went through my breakup, but after getting my feelings hurt time and time again i realized that i needed to stop talking to him. it was almost always him that initiated contact, so i had to be strong enough to ignore it. still took me a long time to heal but i was much more peaceful overall when i stopped talking to him.

 

good luck to you cherry.

[Mauxly]

4) You live once. Decisions are final once made. I rather make decisions that were of my own. This is my life, not my mom's..or my friends...etc. People can give advice and it's easy...even if it's the wrong advice, they don't have to pay the consequence

 

I agree with this.

As I stated earlier, I disregarded ENA advice. It did not turn out as I'd hoped, but I'm glad I did it. I could have held out with NC for a long time, gotten 'over' him, but always wondered if he didn't just make a mistake and I wasn't being to harsh. I had to take break NC, and take him back to learn that it wasn't a mistake, it was him. The whole thing prolonged my pain, and added more tears and drama, but I never would have known. It would have been horrible to always wonder.

 

However, I can see many many times in my past where I've disregarded the advice of people close to me (mom, dad, friends - not people on the internet) and I've paid dearly because I had to learn my lessons the hard way.

[doiiiieeezie]

While ENA is good for generalized advice based on the standards of relationships, it will never take place of your own heart and perhaps some good old common sense (now that sounds negative... go NC!)

 

Having said that when you do skim off the top, you will see there is thoughtful insight based on those who have faced your particular situation before. It allows you time to vent when your traditional methods of support are closed. There are also valuable resources you can gain through this board. Most of all, there is hope behind the negativity because not every situation is so cut and dry and people DO reconcile. Most of all those who are logical rational and supportive will a- either give you the tough love you need or b- allow you to see that your ex is not a heartless monster after all.

 

If you are feeling that this is hindering your progress, then I recommend that you step back from this site for a month or two at least. If you do come back you will start to see this place and your old relationship in a different light.

[cherryberry123]

However, I can see many many times in my past where I've disregarded the advice of people close to me (mom, dad, friends - not people on the internet) and I've paid dearly because I had to learn my lessons the hard way.

 

The best lessons in life are the most painful to learn. I bet you learned alot from the decisions you made, and their painful consequences.

People can tell us what is the right or wrong decision to make, but it won't be as effective...because we need to experience it first hand.

[Live-N-Learn]

It is best to take in the information, process it, evaluate honestly your relationship with the ex and where it really is right now, listen to your gut and make the best decision you can as to what your next steps should be.

 

This is not easy to do when you are in a state of shock, emotional upheaval, obsessive, panicky and so forth. I needed to come here to hear a voice of reason. Mine was not functioning properly! lol In time, you calm down and get beyond this phase and are able to clearly think for yourself with a clear mind.

 

Remember our minds our logical but our hearts many times could care less and do not listen to the voice of reason when still hurting from the break up. ENA has helped to educate me and helped me to see the reality of my situation for which I appreciate.

[brandnewday47]

While there are certainly some who offer pragmatic, psychological advice, wisdom, and insight, the overwhelming majority of a forum like this is populated by those still emotionally engaged in their own situations. The result is a lot of projection and negativity, which may be part of what the OP is eluding to.

 

A person's instinct may be far more accurate in any given situation than the advice of a thousand strangers, provided one has moved far enough into emotional stability to trust said instincts...

 

Very well said, as usual.

[miss meh]

Sometimes I think that the simple act of organizing one's thoughts to try and explain them to others is cathartic.

 

And sometimes in the process of writing stuff up to try and make your point you get the answer for yourself-- that alone is pretty worthwhile, imo.