it's becoming too much and i'm back again for more advice..

[loveyousomuch]

I'm not sure if any of you guys remember me, I've only made a few threads in the past.. Anyways, I'm back again for some more advice:

 

So my and my Fiancée are having a really hard time getting along lately. We've got a lot of issues, and I'm going to warn you now, this isn't going to be a short post. If you have the time and could read through it, I would value your opinions and advice you have to offer me. =)

 

Anyways, like I said above, we're having a ridiculously hard time getting along with each other. We fight pretty much everyday over various things, to make this a little shorter, i'll make a list of the usual things we fight over:

 

1. Money.

I make 1/2 of what he does because I'm on mat leave, yet I always have to dish out money for groceries, baby items, bills, etc. because he never has any money himself. No, I have no idea where it goes. I've asked him, and he tells me it all adds up and he's not spending it anywhere I don't know about.

 

2. Our Son.

Our son (9m old) is going through a period of separation anxiety and only wants me to hold him, he wont even go to my fiancée without screaming his head off. We're trying to get the baby used to being with my fiancée and other people but it's been a challenge for both of us. I can't do anything without our son clinging onto me and my fiancée cannot do anything with our son, and he's screaming his head off. Because of this, I end up doing pretty much everything for our son, and my fiancée is barely involved in anything..

 

3. His Blackberry Phone.

He's always (I literally mean ALWAYS), chatting to girls he meets online, but can't have a conversation with me, ever. I'll try to initiate a conversation but unless it's about blackberries, or our son, he will only give me a one word answer. I've asked him what he talks about with these girls, and he says it's Always about blackberries, and he never initiates the conversation. I just don't believe that, because I cannot see anybody talking all day long, and never changing the topic.

 

4. My Lack of Affection.

Ever since I gave birth I have had no libido. I don't want to do anything that could lead to sex because I'm usually to stressed out and tired and it feels more like a chore than anything else. It also has to do with my lack of confidence in myself, and the fact I feel like I'm not desirable to him anymore. I've explained this to him on many occasions but we're still fighting about it. I've tried to tell him I still love him, and I am trying to work on it, but I'm also not going to Force myself to do something I don't want to do. (The fact he never talks to me, but can talk to all the other girls doesn't help this situation.)

 

5. Chores.

The only thing I ever ask him to do in regards to housework is the dishes and to take out the garbage, however, he can't even do that. He'll let the dishes pile up for three or four days and then complains about there being too many dishes to wash. I've told him all I want is the dishes done once a day, but he just won't do it.

 

Because of the above issues our relationship has been on the rocks for quite sometime now. His anger towards me has seriously escalated and he's resorted to calling me "crazy", a " * * * * * ", among other things, and he's always swearing at me. He has also become very quick tempered and defensive about everything.

I'm not sure what else I can do, I try to have a normal conversation about our issues but it always turns into an argument and the worst part is this is all happening in front of our son..

We did take a break a few months ago, and I realized I wasn't happy without him and I went back. Now I'm starting to regret my decision, however I'm not ready to leave again just yet.

I want us to be how we used to be, but it just seems like every time we have a fight, he says he'll try and do better, but he never follows through.

 

I guess what I'm trying to ask is, is he being emotionally abusive, am I being unreasonable in my requests (asking him to stop using his phone so much, where his money is going, to do the dishes, etc.) and what should I do now?..

 

Ps, sorry for such a long post, and sorry for so many run-on sentences..

[LoveSoDeep]

I think the issues with money and the chores are pretty normal and I would think the issues with affection after the birth of a child are prtty normal too....what bothers me is that he's always chatting with other girls on-line...even if they are just talking about blackberries (which I'm sorry I agree is pushing it and seems like BS). This si what I would be worried about.

 

Do you think he could be talked into getting some couples counseling? The problems you are having might be easily resolved with profesional help...especailly if you get it now before thisngs get out of control. Just my opinion.

[karvala]

1. Money.

I make 1/2 of what he does because I'm on mat leave, yet I always have to dish out money for groceries, baby items, bills, etc. because he never has any money himself. No, I have no idea where it goes. I've asked him, and he tells me it all adds up and he's not spending it anywhere I don't know about.

 

Don't take his word for it, do the sums yourself. From your description, it certainly sounds like something doesn't add up.

 

2. Our Son.

Our son (9m old) is going through a period of separation anxiety and only wants me to hold him, he wont even go to my fiancée without screaming his head off. We're trying to get the baby used to being with my fiancée and other people but it's been a challenge for both of us. I can't do anything without our son clinging onto me and my fiancée cannot do anything with our son, and he's screaming his head off. Because of this, I end up doing pretty much everything for our son, and my fiancée is barely involved in anything..

 

I'm honestly not sure what to suggest here, having had no experience of this. I would make the observation, though, that if your fiancée is doing his best, and it's simply the separation anxiety that is making it impossible, then you can't really blame your fiancée for that one, and indeed it must be a difficult situation for him as well.

 

3. His Blackberry Phone.

He's always (I literally mean ALWAYS), chatting to girls he meets online, but can't have a conversation with me, ever. I'll try to initiate a conversation but unless it's about blackberries, or our son, he will only give me a one word answer. I've asked him what he talks about with these girls, and he says it's Always about blackberries, and he never initiates the conversation. I just don't believe that, because I cannot see anybody talking all day long, and never changing the topic.

 

You have a 9mo son together and he's chatting to other girls online?! Sorry, but it's not only girls that know about Blackberries, and really there's not that much to say about them anyway. I think we can safely call that a red flag, and of course it's completely unacceptable behaviour in my view.

 

4. My Lack of Affection.

Ever since I gave birth I have had no libido. I don't want to do anything that could lead to sex because I'm usually to stressed out and tired and it feels more like a chore than anything else. It also has to do with my lack of confidence in myself, and the fact I feel like I'm not desirable to him anymore. I've explained this to him on many occasions but we're still fighting about it. I've tried to tell him I still love him, and I am trying to work on it, but I'm also not going to Force myself to do something I don't want to do. (The fact he never talks to me, but can talk to all the other girls doesn't help this situation.)

 

Well here we have a power struggle. Like it or not, most men in relationships, for sound biological reasons, judge how much their partner loves them by how much sexual interest the partner shows. If you're unable to show sexual interest in him at present for perfectly understandable reasons, then you must accept that this is going to impact on his self-esteem and what he believes you think of him. An explanation is not going to counter that; loving affection and goodwill is what's needed. Unfortunately, since you're obviously not happy with him due to other aspects of his behaviour, that's going to be difficult for you, and so we have a rather unfortunate impasse. Someone is going to have to be the first one to stump up goodwill in an act of faith in the relationship.

 

5. Chores.

The only thing I ever ask him to do in regards to housework is the dishes and to take out the garbage, however, he can't even do that. He'll let the dishes pile up for three or four days and then complains about there being too many dishes to wash. I've told him all I want is the dishes done once a day, but he just won't do it.

 

Well it seems a reasonable enough request, but he has to be onboard with it, i.e. he has to want to do it for your benefit, not just to avoid being complained at. I suspect when things improve between you, he'll start to pull his weight more without the constant hassle. It's actually a self-esteem issue again; he's more or less given up trying to be a decent guy and just resigned himself to being lazy and living moment to moment because he can't find the strength to face up to his situation.

 

 

Because of the above issues our relationship has been on the rocks for quite sometime now. His anger towards me has seriously escalated and he's resorted to calling me "crazy", a " * * * * * ", among other things, and he's always swearing at me. He has also become very quick tempered and defensive about everything.

I'm not sure what else I can do, I try to have a normal conversation about our issues but it always turns into an argument and the worst part is this is all happening in front of our son..

We did take a break a few months ago, and I realized I wasn't happy without him and I went back. Now I'm starting to regret my decision, however I'm not ready to leave again just yet.

I want us to be how we used to be, but it just seems like every time we have a fight, he says he'll try and do better, but he never follows through.

 

I guess what I'm trying to ask is, is he being emotionally abusive, am I being unreasonable in my requests (asking him to stop using his phone so much, where his money is going, to do the dishes, etc.) and what should I do now?..

 

Ps, sorry for such a long post, and sorry for so many run-on sentences..

 

Your requests are not too at all unreasonable, but they are unrealistic in the present situation. You'll see a theme throughout my previous comments: this relationship has broken down, and both sides are behind the barricades. A relationship functions on mutual love, tolerance and above all goodwill; two people who link their fortunes to each other and help each other out because they know it's both their best interests. When a relationship breaks down, it stops being co-operative and start being competitive. Helping out the partner is no longer an imperative, and indeed something to be resisted; it's all about positioning yourself in an ongoing power struggle.

 

The goodwill needs to be restored here, the sense of partnership. It must start with one of you, but the other also needs to be receptive to that, and not exploit it in a competitive way. A calm, loving , nonjudgmental but honest talk might be the first step towards achieving that, and as much affection as you can muster. You might think it's unfair that I'm asking you to do the work in response to his failings, but that's precisely why; he's shown he can't do it, so your choice is to step up for both of you until he's functioing again, or walk away, which you don't want to do yet.