Do I Have it All Wrong?

[Mauxly]

So I’ve been reading a lot on here about how we need to give our significant others space when they are feeling doubt or suffocated. And I get that, sort of. But I have to tell you that every time I’ve been the one to feel doubt or suffocated in a relationship, no amount of space the man gave me would have cured it. I was feeling that way because I realized that I did not want to be with him and wasn’t sure how or when to break up with him. I never stayed or worked things out with these men. And looking back on it, I’m very glad I didn’t. I withdrew emotionally from the relationships due to some pretty glaring deal breakers.

 

Did I always handle myself with grace in these situations? No, sadly, not at all. If it was a short term relationship (under 3 months) I would sometimes simply try to disappear. Our ‘dates’ would be less frequent, I was emotionally unavailable and less enthused. I guess I didn’t want to go through the drama of a break up so I tried to give them the hint. Seriously bad karma I know. I’m eating that now for sure.

 

But my point is, at least from my point of view, trying to ‘relax’ and give them some space is deluding yourself and prolonging your pain. Does it ever work out? And if the relationship lasts…really, is that the kind of relationship you want to be in?

 

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating smothering/co-dependency/or coddling to abandonment disorder issues. I’m just saying that the kind of relationship I want to be in is one were we openly communicate, we verbalize when we need some alone time, and we don’t just emotionally abandon each other because we feel like it.

 

And if we are emotionally abandoned, we don’t roll over for it or blame ourselves.

 

As an occasional abandoner, I can clearly see that while I had my reasons for ending the relationship, they were in NO WAY at fault for my childish method of doing so, and there was nothing they could have done to salvage the relationship.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I think you make great points, it seems very true.

[Taikero]

Sometimes space helps to gain perspective on situations you feel overly invested in at the time. A few days away can help you think more objectively over important matters you might be assigning too much feeling to.

 

Of course, space doesn't always help, but there is value to it in some cases, especially when it comes to matters of doubt, where there's a lot of grey area and you're not entirely sure about things. Taking a step back and figuring out what's really going on can be helpful.

[Lamour detruit]

I would have to agree. Generally if someone feels doubt, or needs special time off..this is a pretty clear cut sign things are going wrong, and I do not expect the relationship to last a long time.

 

There are of course exceptions where it gives someone perspective,or one of the people have a sudden "revaluation" of some sorts and they realize what they want is right in front of them, but giving space is generally just postponing the inevitable. This is why when someone would ask me for space, I stop everything. After that, it is not my problem any more, and if I am wanted, she would have have to let it be known, otherwise I am going to detach as well.

[Mauxly]

I agree that space is necessary and helpful sometimes. However, if someone needs some space they should be able to talk about it and not just disappear. It is a matter of kindness and respect.

 

I've been in some really successful amazing relationships (that didn't last due to timing or other reasons), in these we never felt the need to emotionally withdraw from each other.

 

There are some prominent relationship advisors out there who seem to propagate that the cat and mouse game is normal/healthy and should be tolerated. I'm not sure I'm buying it.

[TouchNastY]

The course of action taken is contingent upon that which is being dealt with:

 

Do you chill the wine, or leave it room temperature? Is it white or red?

Do you peel the skin, or eat it whole? Is it a pineapple, or grapes?

Do you drive left-, or right-of-center? Get the point?

 

 

Means of communication (face-to-face, or vicarious?), conflict mitigation (do they confront, or avoid?), conflict resolution (do I give space, or talk it out?), affection expression (through action, or through words?), push-pull (out-of-sight, out-of-mind, or absence makes the heart grow fonder?), etc. can all be determined in a similar manner. Identifying your "subject matter" so-to-speak will help immensely in knowing which direction to take with said interactions (which are diametrically opposed - so if you choose the wrong one...), as will identifying your own preferences. I would opt for the latter, first, in that your personal algorithm is likely static. Once you are self-aware, it makes interfacing with a new prospective easier, as you can divine their preferences, and determine the degree to which you need to deviate from your own, and whether it's worth it (remember, they're diametrically opposed, so their having many opposite preferences is a large deviation from your natural disposition).

 

The problem with relationship advisors and books is that they only present one facet [how good an advisor, then, are they?]. You'll likely find advisors and books promoting the exact, diametric opposite advice. And they'll both be right, in a sense; they just won't help you figure out which is applicable in your specific case.

[coolchick64]

I'm not a "need space" kind of person, but from what I've read, there are people who need a lot of it even if they're in a relationship and want to be. I think what you're saying makes sense, but you may be describing something different (like, wanting to break up and easing yourself out).

[Mauxly]

I'm not a "need space" kind of person, but from what I've read, there are people who need a lot of it even if they're in a relationship and want to be. I think what you're saying makes sense, but you may be describing something different (like, wanting to break up and easing yourself out).

 

Yeah. I need my alone time, for sure, even in the best of relationships. But I simply state as much, and let them know that it isn't about them. When we are together, the emo-vibe is as good as ever.

 

But the emotional disapearing act. I just went through this with my last boyfriend. It was really painful to watch and feel him pull away. I knew what was coming. It wasn't about needing space as much as completely checking out. Yeah, like I said, I've done it to others. Being on the other end of that stick is horrible and I won't do it again.

[Taikero]

I think if you do need space, it isn't going to be for weeks or months at a time. Maybe a day or two at most, just to clear your head, get away from the issue for a while, and give yourself time to think things through clearly without outside influence. That is helpful. I do think it is important to come back full bore into the relationship emotionally and otherwise when you do this so there isn't any doubt you're fully there.

[coolchick64]

Yeah. I need my alone time, for sure, even in the best of relationships. But I simply state as much, and let them know that it isn't about them. When we are together, the emo-vibe is as good as ever.

 

But the emotional disapearing act. I just went through this with my last boyfriend. It was really painful to watch and feel him pull away. I knew what was coming. It wasn't about needing space as much as completely checking out. Yeah, like I said, I've done it to others. Being on the other end of that stick is horrible and I won't do it again.

 

I'm going through that with mine right now. It sucks.