Sexless relationship?

[lovehatething]

I need some real advice because all the other people I have asked about this give me stupid answers.

 

I am in a frustrating relationship. Me and my fiance have been together for over four years and this past july he finally proposed. A month after becoming engaged, we moved in together. I am 20 and he is 24. Right now I am taking online courses and am not working. He brings home the money and supports both of us. He works as an IT (computers).

For the past seven months we have been struggling with intimacy. I would like it to be a couple of times a week but he is content with once a month if that. I have tried absolutely everything and he is just never interested. We have talked about it and he says he is just as frustrated but i never see it. I have to ask for it and if we do do it, it lasts 10 mins and a lot of times he cant finish. He says that he has a lot on his mind and he is always tired. I feel like those are just excuses. He likes to remind me that a relationship is not all sex. I understand this but I have needs too. When we were first dating it was three times a day...now its rare and if it does happen its like he is doin it to shut me up. Afterwards there is no cuddling or kissing. He falls asleep and doesnt want me laying on him because he is hot! And kissing? I get pecks at night and in the morning. We dont ever have those deep, weak in the knees kisses anymore. I have even tried wearing sexy lingerie or touching him and i just get rejected.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I want to pull my hair out or cry my eyes out somtimes. This is taking a serious toll on my self esteem and my appetite is not decreasing at all. I need advice, how do i get him interested in it again? in me? I miss how he used to initiate it and actually enjoy making love. I am at the end of my rope. Please help!!

[sidehop]

How stressful is the life for both of you? Does he work long hours? It does sound like you two need to find special moments and stimulate the relationship. Have you guys gone to vacations or spur of the moment getaway?

[Taikero]

Sounds to me like a combination of stress and low testosterone levels. Maybe look at ways to help him unwind in the evening and improve his diet.

 

Does he exercise/go to a gym?

 

How much sun does he get, being an IT guy?

 

 

Are there any relationship problems other than that?

[drummerboyfnd]

yeah, relationships loose their shiney newness after a while. Your guy is taking on a lot of responsibility, so I can see him loosing his get-up-and-go-for-it, but otoh, I bet he sure would be relieved to be able to go back to that carefree lovin'!

Are you doing premarital counseling? Many programs assume you're "saving" it for after the wedding, but you should try to find someone who can be realistic about the relationship as it actually is.

You might want to look at the long-term relationship forum or the thread in this forum about putting excitement back in a marriage, but it sounds to me like the problems are deeper than what hotpants can solve, and the longer it goes on, the more problems are growing.

Good luck!

[Car Chick]

Viagra????

[Sunny1607307996]

It's normal for relationships to taper-off the sex.

 

I can't help but wonder if he stopped having sex around the time you got engaged. If these two events happened at around the same time, I can't help but wonder if he's not ready to be married and is having doubts, and is therefore "pulling away" from you and shutting down.

 

How are the other aspects of your relationship? Do you still have intimate talks about the future, goals, dreams, etc? Or do you just talk about bills, school, work, and the wedding?

[Tanzi]

Well your boyfriend is right in that a relationship isn't all about sex ... but it is a still a big part of a relationship and so too intimacy (ie. kisses, cuddles, touches). These little things show each other on a subconcious level how much we care. If this is an issue with you now then it really needs to get sorted (which is obviously what you want too) as it will only become a bigger issue. You need to approach your ex and tell him that you need to talk seriously about it as it may eventually have an affect on your future relationship. If he really doesn't want to lose you then he needs to open up .... either to you or perhaps to a relationship counsellor. Does he know how much this affects you? Do you talk about it seriously or does he pooh pooh the conversation as he does sex?

[jazzy20]

we basically have the same lives, except I'm the working one (while in school), and we're not living together... I empathize, but I'm looking for answers myself on that one... sorry

[lovehatething]

sidehop- Life is a little stressful. We are always tight for money, he is working 6am-2pm and coming home to study, and I am always home alone during the day(which is horrible) and doing school online. With little money there is no way to leave home.

 

taikero-he is already on testosterone because his levels were way way low. that did not help any. he does not exercise except walking around the plant at work and he sees the sun on his drive home from work. no other relationship problems though.

 

sunny-it got bad about four months after we got engaged. about the time he started his testosterone and studying for certificates...but it was starting before we got engaged. we just didnt notice until it was full blown. our relationship is fine other than that. i mean i feel lonely but thats cause i spend all day at home with nothing to do and no one to talk to. but everything is fine other than that. we have intimate talks all the time...

 

jellybaby- i have told him how i feel multiple times but he just says i know and blows it off. we have never seen a counselor because he refuses to go. he says that if we have problems then we can fix them. that its no one else's business and he is not gonna pay someone to tell him what he already knows. Typical stubborn guy.

 

Thank you to all of you that have replied to my post. i greatly appreciate all the help!!

[sidehop]

The testosterone level would indicate why he's less being the way he is but also him not exercising would also have an impact. Nutrition is very important also. Nuts like peanuts as well as olive oil will naturally boost the testosterone levels. He also want to consume about good dietary fat, about 30% of his food intake as testosterone comes from such fat.

 

Getting more rest, having breaks between studies and changing the overall lifestyle will help to get his levels back up. Not to mention aside from this issue, you two probably want to break out of the studying session and go for a walk or do something more physical during the day.

[Fudgie]

Sounds like the testosterone issue and stress is causing him to not want to be intimate.

 

You should consider perhaps changing when you're intimate? He may be way too tired at night for sex. Try initiating it during the day. You should also perhaps "set up" times to have sex, so he can get ready and be in the "mood" for it. Sometimes people can't handle spontaneity.

[Taikero]

Yeah, if nighttime isn't working, pounce on him in the morning and send him off with a smile.

[drummerboyfnd]

If he says he can fix it himself, then he should.

Seriously.

We all seem to be of the opinion that he needs help. I'm not big on ultimatums, but seems to me you and he need to come up with working definitions of "fixing" it and "soon" and if he doesn't meet them, then it's time for a counselor.

[lovehatething]

Ok so it has been a week and I took some of the tips that yall offered and used them. I got him relaxed when he got home. I let him nap and finish some stuff on the internet when he got home so the rest of the night was mine. That night, there was intimacy...as well as the next morning and evening, and again Sunday night. Every time we were intimate, he would start to complain a little bit about it being too much...that is until I encouraged him orally. Then Monday morning I called him at work to explain that it was my time of the month so he could have his break. But while we were talking, he said," That problem had better be gone by Saturday because I want more just like this past weekend. I have forgotten what I have been missing and I was so relaxed, even when I went to work." So I guess it came out that the best thing to do is talk the problem out, find relaxing time, don't be too pushy, picking the right time to have sex, and helping remind him of what he is missing out on (oral persuasion works wonders). I want to thank everyone for all your help. I have not had anyone there to give me good advice besides wear something * * * * ty or just forget about it. So thank you so much for all your help....I and my body really appreciates it all. To all of you that are reading these posts looking for answers, I hope you find yours. They may be here and if not, don't give up, keep trying, and ask more and more questions till you find the one that works for you.

~*Good Luck and God Bless*~

[Fudgie]

I'm so glad that it has worked for you and your needs are being met. Isn't ENA great?

[Taikero]

I'm happy that you have been able to revitalize your sex life in your relationship. That's awesome!