how do you "let it go"?

[imthewife]

everybody keeps telling me "let it go and if you cant, then move on". how do you let an affair go?

[Shortpants]

I have found alot of really helpful healing from infidelity info over at link removed. Here is a FAQ entry I thought might be enlightening:

 

Q: How do you begin to recover? Submitted by Trying2Deal

A: Whether you are going to reconcile or divorce, you still will need strength to survive infidelity. The most important thing that you can do to begin to recover is to take care of yourself and, in time, you will find that you have survived and even thrived. It may not seem like it at first, but you will laugh again.

 

Try to take some time and think. Know that this had nothing to do with you, it was not your fault in any way. If there were problems in the marriage, they could have been handled differently. Don't make any major decisions right away, first try to get to a better place emotionally so that you can do what is right for yourself. You will learn a lot here and I cannot stress to you how much the people here will help you, we've all been in the same situation - please post whenever you need to and keep reading, you will learn and make friends who share your pain and you'll see that you can make it through too. That will give you the strength to recover. There are also helpful articles in the Healing Library that will give you more insight.

 

Take care of yourself and work on you:

First, do things that will give you some strength. Eat healthy food and try to exercise. Try to get a good night's sleep. This will help you in the healing process.

 

At first you will just need to do whatever you can to get through the days. As soon as you can, try to do things that make you feel good even if you have to fake it till you make it. Pamper yourself - take a bubble bath, drink a glass of wine, spend time with your friends, blast your favorite music, make a cd, read and post your vents here, go shopping, get a massage and a manicure, change your hair style, read a good book, enjoy your children, take a few days away - do things that you enjoy that you usually didn't do because you were taking care of everyone else, take the time to take care of you. Do some volunteer work to feel good about yourself.

Go to the doctor for meds if you need them to control your emotions and think more clearly or to get some sleep. They have helped many people here.

Get tested for STDs, it is reality and part of taking care of yourself.

Start therapy for yourself to help YOU - this is separate from marriage counseling.

Find an inspiration that will carry you through a tough day. Tape it someplace that you will see often and garner strength from it. It can be a poem, a prayer or a picture, whatever works for you. Put it on your computer monitor, your mirror, your steering wheel. Make it your mantra - memorize it and repeat it to yourself whenever necessary. Pick out new ones as you recover and you will notice the change in yourself.

Try to detach yourself emotionally from the situation to see it more clearly & from your WS if you need to so that you don't hurt so much - look for articles to help detach - there are some in the Inspirations Forum. If necessary for your own sanity, go no contact with your WS about everything except children and finances and handle those things by e-mail or other non-emotional methods. Do not let your WS push your buttons, leave the room and do something else for you.

Go to a bookstore or do a web search for helpful books and read them to understand what happened and what can happen from here. A suggestion is Love Must be Tough by Dr. Dobson. Read the book and then highlight areas that help you. When you have a day that you can't do anything else, rewrite those passages over and over. It will kill the time and the message will start to sink in.

Keep a journal to spill out your emotions into instead of crying to a still foggy WS and to keep track of your recovery progress.

Join a support group or just attend a session or two. You can pick a group that concentrates on the area you need the most help in to learn coping skills and to not feel so alone.

Talk if you need to. Decide if you want people in real life to know - you can just talk to a really close friend or tell everyone, others don't tell anyone or limit who will know - you do what is good for you to heal. Make a friend on SI and spend hours on the phone - I promise that you will end up laughing.

Help someone else. Answer a thread on SI - once you do, you will see how far you have come in your own recovery.

Know that even if your WS is showing remorse, you will go through the 5 stages of grieving (can be in any order): Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Letting Go, Acceptance. This is the healing process. Whether you reconcile or not, you will grow as a person. It wasn't your choice, but given time and an effort, you will survive and you will be stronger.

 

...

 

I recommend this site as it deals only with infidelity and has posts from both sides, which can be very helpful in not only undersatnding your own feelings, but that of the cheating partner. Good luck, take care of yourself and stay strong!

[Citlali]

It really comes down to how you feel about infidelity. Don't compromise your values out of desperation to keep the cheater in your life, though.

 

If an affair isn't a deal breaker for you, then your ultimate decision depends on a lot of things, such as the magnitude of the affair, the other party's reasons for it, your own contribution to the problems that led the other party to act as he did, the other party's remorse, your willingness to get counseling, etc. You then should think about all these things, try to heal so you can think and act reasonably, and follow the advice the poster above me linked to.

 

If you are like me, and you do not forgive affairs no matter what, then the first thing you do is walk away, and then you take care of healing yourself and moving on. I could never forgive an affair. I don't think you should have to stay with the person and let it go. On the contrary, you don't let it go in the sense that you stay with the person. You simply deal with your emotions and let it go in the sense that it won't depress you forever and you can move on to be with a better person in time. And you also follow the advice above on healing.

[SirLaughalot]

everybody keeps telling me "let it go and if you cant, then move on". how do you let an affair go?

 

I think the same thing goes for any type of grief in our lives. Whether it is an affair, divorce, or death of someone close, we have to let it go. Otherwise it is going to eat us up and have a detrimental effect on the quality of our life.

 

Quite simply, we cannot control the actions of others around us, even closest to us. If we don't let it go, we cannot see things clearly at all because we are still emotionally devastated. A lot of this devastation comes from an unconscious illusion of being able to "fix" everything.

 

So the people who have told you this are largely correct. If you can't let it go, you can't give yourself the opportunity to be mindful and love yourself, whether it means staying in the marriage or leaving it.

[mrmaximum]

This depends on the situation, there is no cookie-cutter approach to infidelity and when people use the cliche that it must be dealt with on a case by case basis, it is very true. So, from briefly looking at your other post, this issue came up in October of last year, and people are telling you to get over it? Well I guess I have a few questions,

 

Are you constantly on and on about this situation with everyone?

 

Do you constantly talk about it with everyone and anyone who will listen?

 

Where do you talk about this situation, do you speak about it at work, with your family or both?

 

You see, 7 months isn't a long time in terms of reconcilliation, unless you are an insufferable gossip constantly spreading your business, then I think this is a very insensitive thing to say. If you lose your child and have to bury them and you are still somewhat sensitive about it 7 months later, will people tell you to 'get over it?"

 

Healing from infidelity takes as long as it takes, and everyone's pace isn't the same. You got left high and dry and then he came back to you at a later date. Cheating by itself is a hard thing to heal from, but the abandonment is another factor which compounds the issue. Yes in time, you will indeed have to get over it, dwelling on the past is no way to live your life, but sweeping things under the rug won't work either.

 

Good Luck