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I've come to the conclusion that this world is not meant to be for me....


I feel like the black sheep of the world, I really don't like to have big long conversations with anyone (or little ones), in fact I could hardly stand talking to anyone at all after the age of sixteen. Yet all I did in my alone time was, be sad and hopeless. I could never figure out what I should hope for, I had nothing to look forward too (and still don't). Yet here I am still living at 21... I had thought a lot about death and what it would be like to just die and fade out of everyone's memory. I'm sure the process would be fairly quick, as I've shown/told everyone I don't really like their company. When ever someone is around it all fun and games for about 15 minutes, than another 15 minutes I'm like "why are you still here?".


But as soon as their gone I realize that, being alone sucks just as much as having them here. I also wonder why everyone wants to waste so much time with me, I tend to be a downer. There's just nothing here or there that I really care about. The upside is I don't feel sad anymore, probably because I've cried a lifetime of tears in just 4 years. As for the past year, I've just felt numb to being sad, like my souls been ripped from my body.


The main thought on my mind is death... is it really that bad. Life seem to be a race and death is the finish line, I feel that I'm winning this race. I have no future, just another tomorrow, and so on. When I was 16 I didn't think I'd live to be even 20 years old. I've always felt like I shouldn't be here (alive), and that some things (me), just are not meant to be.


Take right now for example.... I'm sitting at my computer typing a bunch of worthless paragraphs into a box so people I don't know can read what I feel like. Why am I doing this? I have no idea. Nobody has an answer to my problem, and you can't fix what has been shattered on the floor, all you can really do is sweep up the mess and toss it into the trash can, because this shattered glass will always leak, as its in so many small pieces that trying to fix it would probably cause a lot of hopelessness.:sad:

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have you spoken to a doctor about how you are feeling?


maybe if you had hobbies and interests you would start to enjoy life. Have goals so you have things to work towards and look forward to.


i often wonder what its all about, and what why we are all here. i think it must be different for everyone, and we spend our whole lives trying to figure it out. Then maybe one day we will find out and it will all (hopefully) be worth while in the end.


In the mean time, i guess you just have to take each day as it comes and look forward with hope. Hope that things will one day make sense and you will find some purpose in life.

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