Question to those who cheated before

[snoop]

for those who cheated, how did you feel about it afterward and did you have any guilt after a while for messing up the relationship and hurting the other person? this question is not addressed to serial cheaters who just do it for fun! thanks.

[TheJerseyKid]

I made a thread asking this question a long with several others, just last night. In fact, it's about 5 topics down.

[thinovate]

I honestly wouldn't know, but truthfully from the heart...I don't think they felt any guilt whatsoever. When you are so infatuated and love, care, feel so much for someone...you'd never let any temptation stand between you. PERIOD.

[believeme]

thinovate has the best answer.

[Alstott Fan]

I've cheated on someone one time and I won't make that mistake again. I did it to get back at her for cheating on me multiple times, which is no reason to cheat BTW, and it ended up hurting myself, her and the other woman really bad. To this day I feel ashamed of what I did and how I acted. I still feel a little guilt, but it's faded over the 14 years since it happened. I imagine it will always be there, but it's now as intense as it was then.

[hellodoe]

i cheated on a girl numerous times and felt guilty only once.

she was a monster: angry, controlling, abusive and sometimes terrifying.

 

i felt no remorse and the only time i did was when i had a few drinks and it was a fleeting thing.

 

my most recent gf i did have very intense (purely sexual) desire to cheat on her one night with an

attractive girl who had a serious thing for me. but resisted the temptation and cut that girl out of my life.

was very happy i did, it would not have been worth it. if i had cheated i would have felt such an intense

guilt and shame. one night of sexual desire does not equate to a loving relationship, my remorse

would have kept me up at night for months =/.

[Greggie]

To answer the OP's question, I have cheated two times before:

 

1) I was 15 years old and in a relationship with a 26 year old drug addict, S. (Yep, I know; wrong on so many levels.) Around the same time as I got together with S, I again became friends with my first love who had recently completely broken my heart. (He was a friend of S's and hung in the same crowd and so we started seeing more of each other and became friends again after a period of No Contact.) My feelings for this other person had never really faded away, and so after S and I broke up (because he lied about drug use), I ended up sleeping with my first love H. For some reason which I can't even remember, I eventually got back together with S (despite the fact that I was in love with H), feeling horrible everytime H was around. (Seeing as he was in our friend group, I still saw him a lot.) Anyways, H aggressively pursued me and I felt powerless to resist; he was the one I truly loved, and we started up an affair. He was the one I really wanted to be with, so I broke up with S, but every time I did, he threatened suicide, and I felt I had no choice but to stay with him. Eventually, I taking his threats seriously and made the break up stick, but it was too late for H and I. To be perfectly honest, I never really felt tremendous amounts of guilt about H and I's affair, even though I to this day see S as a good person. A weak drug-addicted compulsive liar (as addicts often become), but still a good person.

 

2) I'll try and make this shorter than the first one. I was in a very desctructive abusive long-term relationship (I was now 19), travelled to a different country to visit my brother and became intensley infatuated with his roommate, who pursued me actively despite the fact that I had a boyfriend (who I was misreable with, but nevertheless). I resisted his attempts (and trust me, it was HARD!) until the very last day of the trip. I know what follows is going to sound like a ridiculous jusitifcation of what happened, but this is exactly how I saw the situation, despite how ridiculous it must sound. During the trip I learned great new things about myself, was a better version of myself than ever and realized that I HAD to get out of my abusive relationship. I had made the decision that I was definitely going to break up with my BF, but also knew how weak I was. So the very last day the roommate and I finally kissed (nothing more!), because I thought if I had cheated, then I had two options: either tell my BF (which would doom an already doomed relationship even more, even IF he decided to forgive me) or break up with him. I chose the latter. I never regretted what I did (because I don't know where I would be without it; if it means I would still be in a relationship with the abusive BF then I DEFINITELY don't regret it), but have felt lots of guilt knowing of the pain it caused him (because it DID come out, as everything does). So yes, definitely have felt guilt, which I guess was deserved, because it WAS a weak and selfish way out...

[alcide]

I don't think anyone will feel guilty to cheat, because why cheat in the first place... if you going to feel guilty... besides i think that most people cheat for reasons, like if you have a partner who hardly spends time with you, take you no where, abusive, never showing you love, and he or she goes out everytime or takes pleasure eing around other people , when he comes home about 10pm goes to bed, wake up next morning sleep with you like some stranger, and off they goes again, until the next 10pm comes and repeats it self....

 

Isn't that enough reason to cheat on them? how can you feel any guilt after cheating...

the only guilt i personally can feel is the guilt ,,, ,that i am guilty of not starting to get love as i should seek other places,,,,,,, i thank you....such is life

[Baily]

as someone who has been cheated on...I'll tell you this...I will never forgive her for cheating...never....

 

I tried to work it out...and she became better....but it didn't matter...

 

the trust was gone...I worried all the time that she would be cheating again...the thoughts never stopped.

 

understand...once you cheat...it's over...

 

do yourself a favor them a favor...end the relationship...it's just a matter of time...

 

IMO - you cheaters are a bunch of punks who don't have the guts to end a relationship the right way...so you cheat so the other person will break up with you.....that or you have no mind to treat others decent....it's sick. Grow up and be good for once...let the other person know that you can't be trusted and the relationship has to end....but my guess is that you won't. You don't have the guts to tell the person because you know what they will do...but you didn't think about that when your opportunity to cheat came along...its sickening the way you guys will justify your cheating....

 

once they find out....they will NEVER forgive you....and why would they....and you'll never treat them the same.

 

I have no love...just hate for all of you cheaters out there....

 

you guys try to JUSTIFY your actions...he did this...he did that...

 

if they were such problems WHY DIDN'T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE PROBLEMS RATHER THAN CREATING MORE PROBLEMS!!?!

 

 

mods don't delete this because there is a flip side to their coin they may not want to hear....my message is not rude...

[Greggie]

Things are not black and white, and extreme points of views are generally wrong... This is an extreme point of view.

 

(Of course, I understand why you are left with this extreme point of view having been cheated on and having experienced all the pain that infidelity causes. But this answer is an emotional one, and not one well thought out from an unemotional clear-headed stance.)

[snoop]

Baily, I share your thoughts and I agree with you 100%. I would never forgive her either, and I didnt take her back either even though I know she would have come back If i have done it...but i couldnt live with it or look at her in the eyes after that...I dont get why people dont just ask to break up the relationship and discuss it as adults instead of cheating. I personally think they want to keep their options open, check if the grass is greener on the other side and then if it is not do like nothing happened...but truth always comes out, and you always need to trust your gut with a cheater because usually your intuition is right...it was in my case. from different posts all those who cheated come up with an excuse of some sort, he was abusive, he just want sex he is not paying attention to you...then leave why hurt the other person along the way..?

[thathoopla]

for those who cheated, how did you feel about it afterward and did you have any guilt after a while for messing up the relationship and hurting the other person? this question is not addressed to serial cheaters who just do it for fun! thanks.

 

Our relationship wasn't going well and I did not know what to do other than to ruin us. I felt stuck and was in a really bad state. So I slept with a random guy because I felt that that would be the last straw to finally have him leave me alone and not come back to me. Right after, I felt very numb. About an hour later I called him, heard his voice, heard how happy he sounded to speak to me and told him after a few minutes that I was leaving. He hung up and I went insane. Crying, not thinking straight. Him and I were both addicted to each other, and we stayed together for a year after that.

 

Yes I felt very bad for hurting him. If I went back to that point in time, however, I would have just not told him I cheated and would have just left him instead. I knew our relationship wasn't good, yet there was a teeny tiny chance for it to work out which I pursued because I loved him and wanted him. Unfortunately we cannot make someone else do something, we can't control their behaviour. I regret cheating, definitely, because I was not interested in other men and did not need to do what I did. I have a character flaw in that I choose destructive paths when I feel lonely. I hurt him a lot and hurt his pride. Moreso than regretting cheating, I regret ever being with my ex for so long, because of the unhealthy relationship as well as several other times of unfaithfulness (on his part).

[quirky]

I'll reply though it seems like you're gonna say all cheaters are cheaters for life but anyway..

 

The guilt I felt I carry it to this day. The reason was lack of sex in the relationship. It was the second relationship I had where there was no sex (erection problems). I would give bjs for ever, not mention anything, talk about it..nothing changed appart from my self esteem which had completely dropped. So I seeked attention elsewhere, felt awful and told him.

 

Had I been in this situation now I would have just left the relationship. But then..I didn't know what to do, didn't understand the depth of things and I felt helpless without him as a person. I thought I'm ugly and I don't deserve to be desired and that's why the lack of sex was happening. That it was my fault. So I entered a destructive behaviour. If it also helps you not be so absolute I come from a background of sexual and emotional abuse and absolutely no positive male role model. My mum had told me that any woman that thinks the man is not gonna cheat is stupid. Took me years to have a healthy mindset regarding relationships. Things are really not as rigid as they appear,

[thathoopla]

Agreed on the bolded.

 

To the people who think cheaters are disgusting, etc. - we are answering the OP's question to give some context to the cheating. Not that I find any excuse for what I did. Rather, what lead to the cheating and what I felt afterwards.

[ElectricSheep123]

The bitterness is strong in this one!

[Greggie]

I can really relate to this one! What I regret most in the end is that I stayed in the destructive relationship for so long. And I also have a tendency to choose self-destructive paths instead of well thought out wise ones. I think people (other than the serial cheaters with no morals or conscience) who cheat are people who are unhappy in their relationships, and are having a hard time leaving them (although this is what they really want, and should do, seeing as they are unhappy). Often people choose it as a way out, often people cheat because they are looking for other things but are too addicted to the (destructive) person they are with. Just a point of view, though I know several people who cheat for no other reason than ...because they can. As previously stated, there are millions of different circumstances; nothing is black and white. I have read several people saying "Oh typical cheaters, they make excuses and justifications for themselves like he didn't pay attention, he was abusive." No, not excuses or justifications; just an explanation for what happened. Doesn't mean it makes it right, but it does at least explain why someone would do the horrible act of cheating. I think it is relevant if you were abused or treated horribly, and I think it is a very simple mindset to stigmatize all cheaters into one conscience-lacking horrible selfish human being. Just my opinion!

[hexaemeron]

Not that I don't agree with the sentiment of your post, if not quite the bile of it... You do realize of course, that if in your specific situation, she had come to you and ended your relationship, you'd be sitting here, posting in the Break-Up/Divorce or Healing after Breakup/Divorce forums about how heartless your ex was to let you go and what a monster she was for not working on things with you.

 

I find it very unlikely that if she did come to you, as you suggest she would, that you'd just say "Thank you for being so honest. I've enjoyed our time together and I wish you nothing but happiness and success from here." Of course you wouldn't. She'd just be the selfish _____ you think she is now, only for different reasons.