Should this bother me?

[t0rtur3d]

First of all, there is a tl;dr at the bottom. A long time ago I posted something like this on an account I had, but I have since lost the username & password, so if this sounds familiar, I just want to let you know. I have talked to friends about this, but I still can't get it out of my head, and I'm doubting whether I should keep trying or just leave. I'm tortured every day with trying to make a decision, and I'd just like some advice. I'm also sorry if this doesn't make sense. I am so tired and sad right now, and so I just tried to type all I could think of in one go.

 

When I was in high school, I made friends with a boy in my art class. Throughout those years, we were in a school club together, ate lunch together, and were generally good friends. At the end of my senior year, he asked me out. I didn't really want to start dating, and I felt what he wanted was a casual thing anyways, so I didn't think he'd be too bothered by a rejection.

 

We lost touch for the last few months of school, but reconnected during the middle of summer. I started to get closer to him than I had in previous years, and it resulted in us falling into a relationship. Things moved FAST. I didn't care too much because it all exciting and new to me. This is a stupid excuse, but at the time I hadn't anticipated a serious, long term relationship. We were each other's firsts for everything. He explained to me that he'd had a crush on me since we became friends, and had spent all those years just looking out for me and loving me more and more. He said he didn't pursue contact after I rejected him because he felt I liked someone else, and he just wanted me to be happy.

 

During the first few months, he drew me pictures, wrote me poems, and told me about any situation that would even remotely endanger our realtionship: he partnered up with a girl in a photography class because he came late and she was the only one left. The project was to take pictures of each other. He explained to me why there were pictures of her on his camera, when he could have kept her a secret. He blocked a girl he had been friends with for sending a heart. He showed all the places he'd hid porn, and what he was into. He told me about his online friend that he talked with on a daily basis. He told me when she called, or messaged, and what about. He even let me see some of the messages. He introduced us over the phone. (I hung up because I got soooooo shy).

 

I was jealous of said online friend who talked to him, but I thought "He could have hid these things from me, but he shared them willingly so I wouldn't feel threatened." so I let it go. She would often call when we were together, but he wouldn't answer, (except for once to tell her he was busy with me) saying that our time together came first and he could talk to her later. I would often ask if he had talked to her, and he'd say he hadn't because he didn't feel like it. I would even see him delete the voice messages without listening to them. I thought it was a little rude, but when I questioned him about it he'd just say that he didn't feel like listening to them.

 

A little less than a month into this relationship, I came over to see him at the computer. As I walked over, he showed me a message from her saying that she was angry with him ignoring her, and that he wouldn't even have a grilfriend if it weren't for her (he told me that she encouraged him to go after me), as well as calling him a bunch of names. HE turned to me with a irritated/sad look. When I asked what was wrong he said that she shouldn't be needing attention because she is just a friend and that she should realize a girlfriend comes first and is higher priority. He then asked what he should say. I just told him to tell her that he was sorry she felt that way. After this incident they talked twice: once online when he told her about a surgery he'd had, and then because I thought they were still talking, I told him to call her so she didn't feel neglected. He did so and told her that we saw a movie together but he had to go because he was going to spend time with me.

 

I felt reassured by his actions, and I let my jealousy go. I admit there were a few times I wondered if he'd said anything romantic to her, but I let that go to because I couldn't imagine him doing that after all he'd done for me.

 

6 months passed, and I was looking through his public messages (ones that are viewable by anyone) while he was in the shower. Some of them seemed slightly flirty, so I got worried what he had in his private messages. Under "saved", was a sexual rp between him and the friend that got angry with him. It took place at the beginning of the summer, shortly before we started talking again. In it, she asked him to do it with her a few times before he gave in. My boyfriend's responses were kind of odd, like if her character did something sexual, he would simply make his give a hug or something mild. Also, it didn't go past their clothes being taken off, because she had to go.

 

When he got out of the shower, we had a huge spat. he said that she had acted like a * * * * and pushed him into it. I said that a person can't be pushed into something like that. We argued about her for the longest time. He said that at first he saved it in case it continued, and then because he was so depressed that we weren't talking he mentally retreated to thoughts of me, and he felt he could get those feelings about me again if he saved it. I asked him about the first answer and he said he wanted to make it look as bad as possible while he thought about why he really saved it.

 

I feel he's bull * * * * ting me, and may have emotionally cheated during our relationship. I understand this happened before we dated, but why did he save it? Why didn't he cut her off or tell me about it? HE says it was traumatic for him and that he'd pushed it out of his mind before the next day. He has told me that when I rejected him and then after we lost contact, he thought I hated him and he just did what she wanted because he didn't want to lose another friend.

 

I feel his reasons are strange, but he often has strange answers for simple things, and as I've said earlier, he's always treated this relationsip and me with respect. His strange answers have led me to challenge almost everything that's happened in this relationship, like him joking about going to live with her (long story. In the scenario, coming with me wouldn't have been an option), talking about her with smileys and laughing faces (he said this was because when he thought of her, he thought of al lthe stupid things she said and he thought it was funny.), and a joke that they had that he says stopped before we were dating, about him "stalking" her; like following where she goes on a website. He says this joke stopped before we dated, but that he still talked about it with me because he thought I'd think the idea was funny. I also saw him looking at her online profile a couple times, but he had other ones open from his friendlist, so I don't know whether this should be a warning sign.

 

I also had the impression that he talked to her all the time, because I thought when he said he was talking to her, that they were sending messages back and forth. He's said after the fight that when he said that, he meant one message by itself, and that he only messaged her 1-3 times a day, if at all, and that he only responded to ones she sent, and didn't initiate the messages. I feel like the context in which he said he was talking to her says otherwise, but I've seen in several situations that he often has a different way of looking at things, and usually will say something different than what he means. Example: I was eating a cookie and asked if he'd like one. He said yes, but when I brought it to him, he said "oh, i meant I wanted one later. I'm sorry."

 

I've asked him several times if he cheated or if his escapde was contained in the time period before we dated. He promised to tell me the truth, (for whatever that may be worth) and said "I would never cheat on you. If I felt like cheating, that would mean that I had feelings for the other person, so I would leave you to pursue them. Even if I was dating someone I didn't like, I have an obligation to be faithful to them. If I felt the need to cheat because I had feelings for someone else, I would just leave. And if I had ended up cheating anyways, I would tell you because it is the right thing to do, and then leave so that you could find someone who deserves you."

 

I also remember how some mutual female friends of ours would give him hugs, sit on him, buy him stuff, etc. Since we've been dating he has not allowed any of those things to continue.

 

I know he didn't technically do anything wrong that I know of, but I feel finding out about their past together explained why he was so friendly to her. I feel that he wasn't just being nice and had a genuine interest in her.

 

Should I leave? Or is this a ridiculous thing to be upset about?

 

TL;DR: I have a nice boyfriend who was over friendly (or how I percieved it) with a friend of his. He never put her above me but I still felt jealous, and eventually let it go. He stopped talking to her almost a month after we started dating, but 6 months later I found out they had a sexual past together. Should I be worried about his actions at the beggining of the relationship? Or just move on?

[arcadefire]

If I were you, I'd leave for a man who wouldn't do something like this. This is definitely emotional cheating, not only because of the sex chat, but also because he spends so much time with this other girl. Especially in the beginning stages of your relationship, which should be the infatuation stage when it's just you and him.

 

If he wants to prove to you that there is nothing between him and her, he needs to completely stop contact with her. If he's remotely smart, he'd choose you instead of some "online friend". She's only trouble. One question, does he still frequently chat with her?

 

He should delete all messages between him and her and block her from messaging/email. And it's going to take a lot of trust for you to not think that every time he's on the computer chatting that he's not chatting with her or emailing her, etc.

 

Although the situation I was in was far worse, I personally could not continue a relationship with someone who lost my trust. It was too tiring to think about "keeping tabs" on him or whether he had a fake account or what not. I gave up on him and went on to find someone who just wouldn't break my trust in the first place.

[abitbroken]

I had someone say things to me over emails (this is before texting was the big thing) and I saved and kept those and voicemails just so I had some proof if they acted that way again. So in that context, maybe its not so odd that he saved some text that he felt was over the line.

 

If there were some things that happened before you dated, you have to let it go. Guys always had a crush, had a girl after them, or whatever before us. While he might have crushed on you for a long time, you weren't together initially in school and you lost touch for awhile. The biggest trouble I had with my 'first' was that he was with other women before me and just thinking about him together with someone else drove me nuts even though it was long over.

 

I think you have to decide what you want. This young man has gone to great lengths to focus his attention on you completely when he is with you, and has cut off many behaviors (girls coming up to him and hugging him, buying him gifts) because it bothers you. I do agree that you may have something about this girl, but on the other hand, he dropped contact with her and you encouraged him to talk to her to make sure that she didn't feel neglected. Are you looking to egg her on? Don't give him mixed messages by not being okay with it, encouraging contact, and then acting jealous when they talk.

 

I had a situation where a girl was really into my ex but he was sort of oblivious about it. She would call him and ask for advice and try to say flirty things and sometimes he would joke back to deflect her. When he found out she was interested, he was truly shocked. This could be teh case.Also, we are getting one side of this - did he really do something illicit or are you reading into it?

 

Anyway, my take on it is that you are more upset that they had a "history" than that they talk. Decide what you want to do with this guy. BE UPFRONT to tel him that you are uncomfortable with their friendship. don't give him mixed messages - i think you were being "cool" about things and then letting things blow up when not addressed. He doesn't have anything to hide from you really, so take that into account too.

 

If you guys were in your 40s, I would think this would be a more open and shut case. You guys are just out of high school and at that age people talk to a lot of different people sometimes before they end up with one person. I would forgive a guy for being in high school and flirting with someone a bit. Now that he is really with you - if that is what you guys are - things are different and you need to communicate with him about that in a way that it doesn't sound like you are forbidding all friendships. He seems eager to please you but might not know how

[t0rtur3d]

He didn't spend time with her; just responded to her messages and talked about her a couple of times, if that makes sense. He stopped talking to her a month in, after she wanted more attention from him, because he felt she was out of line.

 

EDIT: HE says he didn't talk to her that much when they were in contact. He told me 1-3 times a day, each time being a individual message. He also says he didn't initiate any of them, but that he was responding. I'm sorry if it's seems like I'm getting defensive; I'm not trying to, I just wanted to clarify.

[t0rtur3d]

I thought they were still talking after she got upset about the lack of attention. And I realized he never answered her calls, so despite my jealousy, I told him to call her to make her feel better. I felt friends were more important at that point in the relationship because we hadn't been dating that long. I feel I tried to do what would help him keep his friends.

 

I feel whatever happened before we were dating is fair game. He could have done whatever he wanted. I just felt jealous of the place I thought she held and learning about their past seemed to explain it. So I'm just worried that the reason he acted towards her that way was because he still had an interest in her.

[t0rtur3d]

@ misssmithviii

I would have liked to read what you wrote. Even if you thought it was terrible advice.

[abitbroken]

Personally, if he ignored her calls and the messages he did send were only in response to hers once in awhile, he clearly doens't have a relationship with this woman. I think your jealousy got the best of you. You can't control how she feels - but look at how HE feels. He is not encouraging her. He obviously cares for you very much and seems overall to be a decent guy.

 

And if this messaging happened before you met, he told you clearly that YOU are the most important one because you are the girlfriend but then you told HIM that friends were more important because you hadn't been dating long, then you can't be upset if she messages him in a blue moon.

 

I just really think you are "looking for something" and it may cause you a relationship that seems to be worth continuing especially demonstrating the care and concern he has for you.

[t0rtur3d]

You're right. I saw it as him responding = interest. But it really isn't like that. He treats everybody like that: not talking to them unless they message him first. And she just happened to be the only friend who messaged him nearly every day. I guess what also makes me worry is that this all happened a couple months before we dated, though he's said to me that she started acting completely platonic after the rp, whereas before she'd flirt a lot and seem much more interested in their conversations.

[islandj]

I see no reason of worry here, you have gotten plenty of reasurrance here.. enjoy what you have.. and continue acting mature! I thought it was very nice of you to encourage him to call her so she wouldnt feel ignored, that was very confident of you.. which is a very attractive trait..

[t0rtur3d]

I see no reason of worry here, you have gotten plenty of reasurrance here.. enjoy what you have.. and continue acting mature! I thought it was very nice of you to encourage him to call her so she wouldnt feel ignored, that was very confident of you.. which is a very attractive trait..

 

Thank you. =]

[t0rtur3d]

I have been thinking a lot about this, and yes, I know he stopped talking to her less than a month into our relationship, but I keep thinking about what he said when he WAS talking to her. Should I worry? Or should him stopping show that he did nothing wrong? I guess I feel that he might have said sexual or otherwise romantic things to her, got tired of it, and chose me over her.