t0rtur3d Posted April 22, 2010 Share Posted April 22, 2010 First of all, there is a tl;dr at the bottom. A long time ago I posted something like this on an account I had, but I have since lost the username & password, so if this sounds familiar, I just want to let you know. I have talked to friends about this, but I still can't get it out of my head, and I'm doubting whether I should keep trying or just leave. I'm tortured every day with trying to make a decision, and I'd just like some advice. I'm also sorry if this doesn't make sense. I am so tired and sad right now, and so I just tried to type all I could think of in one go. When I was in high school, I made friends with a boy in my art class. Throughout those years, we were in a school club together, ate lunch together, and were generally good friends. At the end of my senior year, he asked me out. I didn't really want to start dating, and I felt what he wanted was a casual thing anyways, so I didn't think he'd be too bothered by a rejection. We lost touch for the last few months of school, but reconnected during the middle of summer. I started to get closer to him than I had in previous years, and it resulted in us falling into a relationship. Things moved FAST. I didn't care too much because it all exciting and new to me. This is a stupid excuse, but at the time I hadn't anticipated a serious, long term relationship. We were each other's firsts for everything. He explained to me that he'd had a crush on me since we became friends, and had spent all those years just looking out for me and loving me more and more. He said he didn't pursue contact after I rejected him because he felt I liked someone else, and he just wanted me to be happy. During the first few months, he drew me pictures, wrote me poems, and told me about any situation that would even remotely endanger our realtionship: he partnered up with a girl in a photography class because he came late and she was the only one left. The project was to take pictures of each other. He explained to me why there were pictures of her on his camera, when he could have kept her a secret. He blocked a girl he had been friends with for sending a heart. He showed all the places he'd hid porn, and what he was into. He told me about his online friend that he talked with on a daily basis. He told me when she called, or messaged, and what about. He even let me see some of the messages. He introduced us over the phone. (I hung up because I got soooooo shy). I was jealous of said online friend who talked to him, but I thought "He could have hid these things from me, but he shared them willingly so I wouldn't feel threatened." so I let it go. She would often call when we were together, but he wouldn't answer, (except for once to tell her he was busy with me) saying that our time together came first and he could talk to her later. I would often ask if he had talked to her, and he'd say he hadn't because he didn't feel like it. I would even see him delete the voice messages without listening to them. I thought it was a little rude, but when I questioned him about it he'd just say that he didn't feel like listening to them. A little less than a month into this relationship, I came over to see him at the computer. As I walked over, he showed me a message from her saying that she was angry with him ignoring her, and that he wouldn't even have a grilfriend if it weren't for her (he told me that she encouraged him to go after me), as well as calling him a bunch of names. HE turned to me with a irritated/sad look. When I asked what was wrong he said that she shouldn't be needing attention because she is just a friend and that she should realize a girlfriend comes first and is higher priority. He then asked what he should say. I just told him to tell her that he was sorry she felt that way. After this incident they talked twice: once online when he told her about a surgery he'd had, and then because I thought they were still talking, I told him to call her so she didn't feel neglected. He did so and told her that we saw a movie together but he had to go because he was going to spend time with me. I felt reassured by his actions, and I let my jealousy go. I admit there were a few times I wondered if he'd said anything romantic to her, but I let that go to because I couldn't imagine him doing that after all he'd done for me. 6 months passed, and I was looking through his public messages (ones that are viewable by anyone) while he was in the shower. Some of them seemed slightly flirty, so I got worried what he had in his private messages. Under "saved", was a sexual rp between him and the friend that got angry with him. It took place at the beginning of the summer, shortly before we started talking again. In it, she asked him to do it with her a few times before he gave in. My boyfriend's responses were kind of odd, like if her character did something sexual, he would simply make his give a hug or something mild. Also, it didn't go past their clothes being taken off, because she had to go. When he got out of the shower, we had a huge spat. he said that she had acted like a * * * * and pushed him into it. I said that a person can't be pushed into something like that. We argued about her for the longest time. He said that at first he saved it in case it continued, and then because he was so depressed that we weren't talking he mentally retreated to thoughts of me, and he felt he could get those feelings about me again if he saved it. I asked him about the first answer and he said he wanted to make it look as bad as possible while he thought about why he really saved it. I feel he's bull * * * * ting me, and may have emotionally cheated during our relationship. I understand this happened before we dated, but why did he save it? Why didn't he cut her off or tell me about it? HE says it was traumatic for him and that he'd pushed it out of his mind before the next day. He has told me that when I rejected him and then after we lost contact, he thought I hated him and he just did what she wanted because he didn't want to lose another friend. I feel his reasons are strange, but he often has strange answers for simple things, and as I've said earlier, he's always treated this relationsip and me with respect. His strange answers have led me to challenge almost everything that's happened in this relationship, like him joking about going to live with her (long story. In the scenario, coming with me wouldn't have been an option), talking about her with smileys and laughing faces (he said this was because when he thought of her, he thought of al lthe stupid things she said and he thought it was funny.), and a joke that they had that he says stopped before we were dating, about him "stalking" her; like following where she goes on a website. He says this joke stopped before we dated, but that he still talked about it with me because he thought I'd think the idea was funny. I also saw him looking at her online profile a couple times, but he had other ones open from his friendlist, so I don't know whether this should be a warning sign. I also had the impression that he talked to her all the time, because I thought when he said he was talking to her, that they were sending messages back and forth. He's said after the fight that when he said that, he meant one message by itself, and that he only messaged her 1-3 times a day, if at all, and that he only responded to ones she sent, and didn't initiate the messages. I feel like the context in which he said he was talking to her says otherwise, but I've seen in several situations that he often has a different way of looking at things, and usually will say something different than what he means. Example: I was eating a cookie and asked if he'd like one. He said yes, but when I brought it to him, he said "oh, i meant I wanted one later. I'm sorry." I've asked him several times if he cheated or if his escapde was contained in the time period before we dated. He promised to tell me the truth, (for whatever that may be worth) and said "I would never cheat on you. If I felt like cheating, that would mean that I had feelings for the other person, so I would leave you to pursue them. Even if I was dating someone I didn't like, I have an obligation to be faithful to them. If I felt the need to cheat because I had feelings for someone else, I would just leave. And if I had ended up cheating anyways, I would tell you because it is the right thing to do, and then leave so that you could find someone who deserves you." I also remember how some mutual female friends of ours would give him hugs, sit on him, buy him stuff, etc. Since we've been dating he has not allowed any of those things to continue. I know he didn't technically do anything wrong that I know of, but I feel finding out about their past together explained why he was so friendly to her. I feel that he wasn't just being nice and had a genuine interest in her. Should I leave? Or is this a ridiculous thing to be upset about? TL;DR: I have a nice boyfriend who was over friendly (or how I percieved it) with a friend of his. He never put her above me but I still felt jealous, and eventually let it go. He stopped talking to her almost a month after we started dating, but 6 months later I found out they had a sexual past together. Should I be worried about his actions at the beggining of the relationship? Or just move on? Link to comment
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