is it always not okay to break up over the phone?

[ItRainsItPours]

I've been dating this girl for a few months and she's a real sweetheart. pretty, warm, attentive, smart, low maitenance, sense of humor: perfect on paper really. and honestly I'm an idiot because she's a lovely person, but I just dont feel that connection that relationships are worth fighting for.

 

she loves me. it makes sense, she's only dated immature douchebags. I strive to be a gentleman and I think I'm honestly the first guy who's ever been half way decent to her. that's what makes this so hard; she's done nothing wrong and I feel like I've gone out of my way to charm her and get her to fall in love with me.

 

it's not fair to her at all. she deserves a man who loves her as much as she can give. I want that for her, I honestly do. but that man isn't me; I just dont feel the same way.

 

she lives a couple towns over and we had made plans for her to come visit me for the weekend because my car is in the shop. I think I need to get this over with and not drag her along anymore as I feel myself getting noticeably distant with her. but I feel guilty having her come here this weekend away from her friends and family so I can break up with her. she wont have anyone to comfort her and tell her it'll be okay.

 

so for my particular situation is it still wrong for me to do this over the phone? my car will be in the shop for another week or so and I cant have her come down this weekend and sleep with me and pretend like I want her when I dont. but I don't want to break her heart and leave her with no support (she doesn't have a car and is being picked up from a friend. would basically be stuck here until the end of the weekend)

 

please help. how can I do this in the least hurtful way?

[sidehop]

Phone would be far better than texting/FB'ng obviously but can I ask what caused you to fall out of this relationship? You say she's perfect but is it just emotional connection or spark that's not there?

[sidehop]

Actually I read your other posts. I don't think there's any 'easy' way to do this. Earlier the better if you absolutely do not feel this is going nowhere and you'll only end up hurting her. Just be as honest as you can.

[Fudgie]

Breaking up either over phone or in person is hard for both people. I think either is pretty acceptable. Text message? Not so much.

 

Just be completely honest to her. It's the best thing you can do.

 

Don't feel bad. Sometimes we just don't fall for certain people and we don't always know why. Once you break up with her, she'll be free to find someone who will really care about her in return. Maybe dating you taught her not to date immature douchebags like she has in the past and to find a real gentleman, like how you've been to her.

[Jd1983]

In my opinion, it's never a good idea to break up by phone. If someone broke up with me, I would think they are coward, and they couldn't even face me to let me know about it.

 

As difficult as it may be, it's probably best that you let her know face to face. If she's a lovely person, then I think you owe that much to her.

 

Be honest, and straight-forward. That's the best approach.

[ItRainsItPours]

yes the only problem with our relationship is I don't feel as strongly as she does. honestly I want to continue to date her, she makes me happy and Im quite fond of her. but she wants to be loved; she wants a relationship with potential for progression and I know that I will never want that with her. I cant keep dating her selfishly when I know I cant give her what she wants.

 

and I really do hope she finds a nice guy to give her everything she wants. she deserves nothing less and it kills me that Im about to break her heart.

[Fudgie]

^ See what you wrote up there?

 

Tell her that. It's honest and from the heart.

[ItRainsItPours]

I normally wouldn't even ask this question because I feel breakups should be done in person. if I had my car I would just drive to her town and take her to dinner and tell her. but I cant do that and the reason Im doubting whether she should come is that I know she is very sensitive and I dont want to leave her without support.

[Jd1983]

yes the only problem with our relationship is I don't feel as strongly as she does. honestly I want to continue to date her, she makes me happy and Im quite fond of her. but she wants to be loved; she wants a relationship with potential for progression and I know that I will never want that with her. I cant keep dating her selfishly when I know I cant give her what she wants.

 

and I really do hope she finds a nice guy to give her everything she wants. she deserves nothing less and it kills me that Im about to break her heart.

 

Ok, you say that you want to continue to date her, but how can you be sure that you won't eventually develop more feelings for her down the road? Feelings take time to progress.

 

However, if you're adamant that this is not what you truly want, then it's better to do it sooner than later. Stop prolonging the inevitable.

 

Think of it this way, if you continue something when you truly know it's not what you want, then you are only lying to yourself and her. You are actually doing her a favor by letting her know. She could be taking the time to find someone else more suitable for her.

[Fudgie]

Maybe OP does enjoy dating her, but knows he doesn't have the same feelings she does? And therefore, it's unfair?

 

It sounds like you care about her and don't want to hurt her feelings, but know that you have to go. I'm glad that you're being honest with yourself.

[ItRainsItPours]

thank you fudgie you've been very helpful. and you're right I have romantic feelings but they are not at the same level as hers. at this point in my training I am not looking to settle down for the next 5 or 6 years. even if I were to feel the same way as her I could not give her what she wants.

[anna0511]

I normally wouldn't even ask this question because I feel breakups should be done in person. if I had my car I would just drive to her town and take her to dinner and tell her. but I cant do that and the reason Im doubting whether she should come is that I know she is very sensitive and I dont want to leave her without support.

 

this is very thoughtful of you. would it be possible for you to rent a car or borrow a friend's and visit her instead? it would be much better that breaking up over the phone...

[Mimori]

To be honest, I understand how you feel. You don’t need the consequences of something happening to her because of the result her traveling so far to come see you, just to be met with a break up. Breaks up are terrible, and difficult to deal with. Especially if she may feel blind sited by the fact you feel this way, perhaps she believes your just busy with things going on in your town and vice versa, so doesn’t really notice the distance… we all interpret things differently, and she may not be expecting this.

 

I for one, would hate to have to put someone through a break up over the phone, but having her drive so far to be met with bad news would worry me, especially if I felt like it would possibly impair their driving (I’ve seen my Sister cry heavily when she was driving at the loss of her cat, almost got in two wrecks just going home…was a scary drive but I was too young at the time to offer to drive home for us).

 

If you believe that she’d be safe when being handed this news, I wouldn’t be bothered with letting her come. That way you can discuss how you feel, and let her know that in this situation, it really isn’t her fault, you just feel like she deserves someone who truly feels connected with her.

 

Something I would recommend is actually asking her to hold off the trip, and wait for your car to be out of the shop and drive down there yourself. That way you don’t waste her time, or gas… and don’t have to feel “guilty” for breaking up over the phone. Like another user already said, at least you aren’t suggesting a break up over the internet or text message. Even if it does fall down to phone, don’t just hang up and not answer questions. Let her have the closure she needs so she isn’t sitting there letting her doubts fall back on the worse possible scenarios (example: blaming herself and falling in a rut of thinking she’s the problem). Be gentle however you go about it, and be as open and honest as you can. Don’t just tell her its over and stop talking about it- you obvious have invested feelings into her and care about her happiness. But if the connection isn’t there, you’re a good man for letting her find someone who will be able to return the same feelings.

 

I honestly would use phone as the last resort. But I would also suggest that you do the drive (when able) instead of having her come visit you for the bad news. Otherwise, if you haven’t been thinking about this too long (not sure how long you considered these thoughts)-then allow this weekend to see if you really don’t feel any connection, and make sure you aren’t just bothered by the distance. Long distance is difficult, I for one can understand that 100%.