Please give me some guidance

[unhappy101]

Ok it’s been over 2 months since my ex called time on our relationship. I got 3 texts and that was my lot. She went from loving me and wanting to marry me, to never wanting me to contact her again. 4 years gone in the blink of an eye. I did everything begging pleading etc, then I went NC. Been that way for well over a month.

 

I have been doing better, telling myself if someone can end a relationship after 4 years by text, it’s best they’re gone before it gets ‘too late’, however I was out tonight and EVERYTHING reminded me of her. I started to miss her. When I got in, I looked at my bed where she once slept and it felt like I had a giant hole in me.

 

I then thought about ringing her, and going round to where I think she could be, saying to myself if only I could talk to her, it is easier to try than I thought - just dialling a number. If only she could see the changes that are/have happened in my life. If only I could tell her how things would be infinitely better, to come back and actually give it that one last real chance.

 

I know her friends and family would be telling her to stay away and she can do better etc. But she was more than a g/f. She became part of the family, and her family said they loved me like a son in law. Does that really all just vanish?

 

If she is the person I thought I knew for 4 years, I believe she still loves me, and wants the relationship without the problems and if she knew that what would she really think? I know she can’t just let go of things, but she has a lot of pride.. If anything all I want is closure better than a text, so things are left nicely and we could talk in the future.

 

I can’t believe how much I love this girl. The thought of her not wanting me, or with another man/rebound etc is too much for me to bare.

 

Do I stay NC or do I risk rejection going after the girl I love?

 

In Rocky 3, there is a famous scene where Rocky tells Adrian he is scared to fight, and she tells him to go for it. He says ‘what if I lose’? She replies, ‘then at least you lose with no fear’. What I mean is, what if I don’t try and something could have happened?

 

I am so confused, go easy on me I’m in a delicate way!

 

Thanks in advance.

[Seabreeze]

I think you need to figure out the "She went from loving me and wanting to marry me, to never wanting me to contact her again" part. The same thing happened with my ex gf...one second she loved me and wanted to get married and before I knew it we had one argument and she never wanted to talk to me again...4 years down the drain..try 7

[shessofly]

hello unhappy-

 

a relationship with no trust is doomed. did this go on for four years? what was the reason for it?

 

i'm sorry to say that i think you need to leave her be. i read your other thread and it sounds like she is very angry/hostile with you. i think you already tried to explain some things to her and she wasn't hearing it. continue with NC for healing, not for getting back together. if she contacts you in the future then maybe you can have more of a civil discussion, but right now she's still angry. she told you to leave her alone, so i think you should honor her decision to cut contact, as hard as i know it is. sorry.

[shessofly]

do yourself a favor by getting to the root of your trust issues and working through it so you don't go into another relationship repeating the same mistakes.

[unhappy101]

Thank you for your posts.

 

My trust issues were hard to explain. But I questioned her about a lot of things. I know she had trust issues with me too, but my issues I didn't actually believe what I was saying to her! It was more a comfort thing/bad habit that got out of control.

 

I have been having therapy for nearly 2 months, and got as far down as to know the reason I had any form of issues was my lack of control in my younger years and recently of losing people which was my biggest fear. And felt I had to hold on tightly so I didn't lose anyone else kind of thing.

 

Of course, this had the opposite effect. Now my 'fog' has cleared I can no longer see the girl I love. *Sigh*.

 

Seabreeze, sorry to hear what you have been through, I have read your other posts. It is just so tough.

[yonanz]

honestly speaking, to come to a decision after 4 years of r/s means that she must have thought over it for some time and been very sure about it. no one in his/her right mind would initiate a breakup in a long term r/s without being very sure about it.

 

so if u think about this, would your begging pleadings and contact with her bring her back to you? highly unlikely. im sorry to say this, but that's the way things are. i have also just been through a breakup with a girl i had been together with for 4 years and i loved her to bits and pieces. but i just have to accept reality. her family knew me very well and liked me[ well..at least until the breakup happened] and my family liked her as well. we had so many dreams, plans, knew each other so well, had so many common friends. all her friends knew about us, and so do most of mine. our world was intertwined in more ways than one, and so the breakup was brutal.

 

ur nt alone dude. but what u shld do now is to maintain NC. this is the right way forward for many reasons

 

- she donest want this r/s anymore and so any form of contact with her with the aim of getting b together with her will only push her away and make her feel irritated

 

- it helps u get her out of mind, out of sight. this greatly accelerates the healing process

 

- it prevents you from being in denial, and also prevents you from clinging on to an elevated, even false sense of hope. this r/s is over and u need to face it.

 

- it helps to prevent distraction. contacting her will only make her presence in your mind more pronounced. NC will dilute her presence in your mind and your need to contact her over time.

 

- last but not least, u must rmb that NC helps to bring back the power. u are no longer controlled by your emotions, or your needs to have her around you. you dont display needinesss and clingingness to her anymore. u will leave her feeling curious : why isnt he contacting me? what is going on in his life? u will show her that u can be an independent and dignified individual without needing her in your life. this would be an attractive factor as u are seen as mature and u respect her decision.

 

- also, reinitiating contact will only only set you up for more and more hurt and disappointment. can u handle another rejection, anotehr cold remark, another sentence from her stating clearly she doesnt want you anymore, or she deosnt love you the way she did anymore? do you want to hear these hurting statements anymore? dont set yourself up for more hurt. protect yourself and intiitate NC.

 

as time goes on, NC gets easier and easier. rmb, NC is not strategy to win her bac. no mind games of any sort please. NC is simply a way of healing, of moving on, of closure. it is what is best for you, heed my advice.

[unhappy101]

Thank you for your post.

 

I agree with a lot of what you say, it's just unless she was acting, even on the last day, she was being loving and just the same as ever. In the last few hours we were up and down and I think the last argument pushed her away, she had had enough I think. God, if I could go back the things I would do differently.

 

She told my mother that she still loved me and that she was upset, and the only problems were the issues.

 

She told me life wouldn't make sense without me in it, and she used the term unconditional love a lot.

 

I know, I know you're right, I guess I just miss my ex girlfriend/best friend.

[yonanz]

Thank you for your post.

 

I agree with a lot of what you say, it's just unless she was acting, even on the last day, she was being loving and just the same as ever. In the last few hours we were up and down and I think the last argument pushed her away, she had had enough I think. God, if I could go back the things I would do differently.

 

She told my mother that she still loved me and that she was upset, and the only problems were the issues.

 

She told me life wouldn't make sense without me in it, and she used the term unconditional love a lot.

 

I know, I know you're right, I guess I just miss my ex girlfriend/best friend.

 

if u feel really really unsure, why not request for a last meeting? like a closure of sorts? so u can have a good talk with her and maybe ask if she is final in her decision. if she is, then respect it and initiate NC thereafter.

 

gaws i hate closures. i can still rmb my last meeting with her a month ago..it was horrible knowing that this was the last time i could see her ...horrible knowing that this meeting officiall signals the end of everything we have been through for 4 years.

[sidehop]

I read your other posts, what were these arguments about you two had in the past?

 

I can understand her trust issues especially if her father left the same way. There maybe more issues with her that you may have not known also. In a sense you probably won't get a full closure out of situation like these but do stay strong. Each day will get better, even if some days seem worse than others.

[unhappy101]

Sorry I meant I had the trust issues, they got to much in the end as I was worried about loosing her and I lost her anyway, isn't life weird?