No idea what to do in my situation

[dont know]

So.. it has been about 9 days now since my ex girlfriend broke up with me. Said she felt more like we were best friends than in an actual relationship. I completely agreed with her, as we have been in LDR for about 1.5 years except for summers and holidays. She backed off for a few days before I could finally get a hold of her and had the break up conversation. Now, I pretty much was sure that this conversation would probably be the last time I would talk to her as a couple, and it was. Completely broke my heart and I just broke down inside (I'm sure you all have been there before and most of you are still in that phase). I didn't fight the break up, as she said she needed space and I agreed. The only thing I remained adamant about during the break up conversation was that I do not want to be best friends or just friends. I think that made it harder for her to break up with me, but I just wanted her to know that I wanted a romantic relationship and not a friendship. Was this wrong? What really killed me is that I was coming home for good in just a matter of 3-4 weeks... Our break up conversation lasted only about 10 minutes because I just didn't want to keep prodding at her if she wanted space and I still and always have loved her with all my heart. She seemed really upset with breaking up, but figured it was the right thing to do for us. I agreed with her that space was needed. Was this the right thing to do? To not delve deep into why she broke up, but just accept it?

 

For the first few days of "NC" and being single, I kept checking her facebook before realizing that this just made me hurt a million times more. I noticed that she was going on a date or 2 with some random guy, or at least that is what I came to the conclusion of... So I finally had enough of it and I deleted her from facebook. Within about an hour of deleting her, I got a text from her asking why I deleted her. I wanted to respond to her, but I just didn't see how I could possibly make things better with responding, especially since I love this girl with all my heart and really want to make things better again when I get back to my hometown when college is done (that is in 2 weeks btw). So now it has been 9 days without speaking to her, and 3-4 since getting rid of all forms of communication with her. I feel like cutting her out of all these forms of communication and deleting her from fb is sending the wrong message. Was this the right thing to do to just ignore her text? Because I am getting sooooo many urges to contact her and see how she is doing, when I know that would only make things worse.

 

Long post, I know. Thanks to those who are still reading. I realized that I kind of lost my confidence with her being in my life and I noticed that I am no where near the person I was AWAY FROM HER. I forgot what made me happy and focused more on making everyone else in my life happy. I want to tell her this and tell her I've been doing a lot of me time lately and it has put our relationship into perspective for me. I know I shouldn't do this and I shouldn't contact her for a while, but we had so many plans for this summer, we would talk about our futures all the time, and I honestly didn't see myself being with anyone else for the rest of my life. Her family LOVED me and same with my family and her as well. Nobody thought we were a bad couple and I just simply want her back in my life as my girl and nothing less. It makes it so much harder for me knowing she is already somewhat seeing another guy (for all i know, since I broke fb contact with her). I really want to call her and simply talk to her about everything even though it goes against everything this forum says.

 

So should I wait a few weeks into summer before contacting her? Should I give her a call before I come home (in the next 2 weeks)? I know for a fact that I do not want to be just friends with her, and I want her back more than anything in the world. This feeling didn't just come about when she broke up with me either. We both knew that LDR was hurting us, but she and I both agreed (about a couple weeks before the break up) to work on it and give our relationship the love it deserved for when I got home. AHHHH what to do??

[CatsMeeoow]

Welcome to ENA... You are amongst friends and those who have walked in your shoes.

 

There is a lot of good advice here on how to handle yourself post breakup. Most people really love SuperDaves posts as they are supportive and informative but there are several other people here with good advice.

 

If you don't want just friendship then you did right by deleting facebook and not responding to texts... as far as the message you are sending her... it just doesn't matter... she broke up with you.

 

If she keeps texting you then just plainly state that you care about her loads but that you can't handle just being friends but if she ever truly changes her mind she can feel free to contact you.

 

Personally... just let it go for now... if she wants to date others there is truly nothing you can do about so removing yourself from seeing the evidence is the best bet. Give yourself a couple of months and if you feel the need to reach out to say hello then do so...

 

Hang in there... lots of us have been in your shoes... most of us have learned how to move on... at least eventually... many are in transition... Don't be afraid to reach out on your bad days... we all have them!

 

Hugs!

[dont know]

Haha thanks for that. It feels much better hearing it from someone than just looking at other people's questions and advice. Most everyone told me I did right by deleting her, but I have this overwhelming feeling that she will just see this as me completely giving up on our relationship instead of just needing some healing time for me. She has always been a stubborn person and has always focused on what she wants, which I have always adored her for (among thousands of other reasons!). Do you think by deleting her I am sending the wrong message at all? Or will she realize that I'm not doing this in spite?

 

Oh and did I handle the break up conversation well? I'm trying everything I can to get her back, but I'm not making that my sole focus. I want to get myself back and all that before I get her back, but everything would be perfect if she wanted to get back with me while I am still working on myself ya know? I know, I know, thats having my cake and eating it too...

 

She hasn't contacted me since I ignored her text. I don't know if that is a good sign or not. I'm hoping she will contact me just so I know she still cares, but I do not want to give in and beg for her back and lose all my self respect. Thanks for the help, I'd love some more input on my situation, especially with the LDR issue.

[hannah_k]

I don't think it would be a bad idea to write her a note and explain your intentions. That you didn't delete her from your FaceBook page to cut her out completely, but that you need some time for yourself to figure things out, just like she does. Just let her know that you'd like to be in touch after awhile, but for now, you're taking the time to figure out how you feel and suggest she do the same.

 

After that, continue to take the time you need.

 

Good luck!

[dont know]

I know, and i really want to hannah k. I love her with all my heart and more... well until she broke it. I still care for her enough to want to make this work, especially that I am coming back from college for good in two weeks. I just don't want to break NC to tell her that "I'm NC and thats why i deleted you from facebook." But another part of me is telling myself that if I dont contact her then she will move on.

 

On another thought, her only other ex boyfriend successfully begged her back about 4 times I think? this ended about a year-ish before we met so I wasn't a rebound or anything. But she had always brought up the fact during our relationship (at very appropriate times fyi) that she hated the fact that he would come crying to her on the phone even though he cheated on her multiple times and she lost ALL respect for him. VERY insecure dude from what I know about him. I was never like this. Never cheated, didn't beg her back, and have been NC from the time we broke up. Does this help my cause that I'm dealing with the breakup so much different than her other ex? Do you think she might reconsider if I just keep NC and talk to her sometime after I get home for summer?

[GenoGeno]

Yeah my girlfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me because of LDR and a couple other things...i pleaded though for about a month and a half before finally dropping it. Now i don't really contact her anymore unless she says something to me...and even sometimes now I just ignore it. I find it hard to be nice to someone who trampled on your heart.

[dont know]

do you regret pleading to her? I really want to talk to my ex cuz i know she is an amazing person and we would be really happy if she would just give us another chance when i end the LDR and get back to within 10 miles of her.. could this be a case of GIGS? I'm really confused as to why she would break up this close to the end of long distance, which we both have hated btw. She said she wasn't attracted to me, but i call BS. i think she has GIGS and doesn't quite know what she wants. Hopefully she will be back, but right now I'm just trying to move on with my life... which sucks.

 

I'd love some more input from others if they would be willing to talk about my situation

[CatsMeeoow]

I have to say kudos for you for not pleading and just walking away... THAT is the hardest thing ever... most of us (myself guilty the most) hung around... found excuses... tried hard to be in their lives...

 

But I've been on the flipside... when you spend so much time trying to convince someone else how much they want you when they really don't want you anymore it just makes you look pathetic in their eyes and thankful they cut you loose when they did.

 

I've come through my break up and we are good friends (and now he is realizing what he missed out on - but I'm taken now!) but it took a good couple of years for that to happen. Now I'm the one who really doesn't have much time for him and he has all the time in the world... life can be so unfair!

 

Her reasons don't matter... she no longer wanted you... she is for appearances moving on... spending time on analyzing every world she said will only keep you spinning your wheels.

 

By all means it hurts to get rejected... even when we know we really didn't want it it still hurts when the other person drops the bomb. Your pain is real. Your roller coaster of emotions is real.

 

Get it out by journal-ling... when you have a really bad day come here... you'll look back and see posts that vacillate been "why me/how sad for me" to "I'm so angry she would do this". Its all normal and it so helps when someone else has been there and really knows what you are talking about.

 

Take SuperDaves challenge... (I never could... perpetual flunky!) but it really has given hope and peace of mind to many people here.

 

Hugs!

[Ms Darcy]

I'm really confused as to why she would break up this close to the end of long distance, which we both have hated btw. She said she wasn't attracted to me, but i call BS. i think she has GIGS and doesn't quite know what she wants. Hopefully she will be back, but right now I'm just trying to move on with my life... which sucks.

 

It sounds like she broke up because for whatever reason, the prospect of being physically closer was not what she wanted. I think you need to let go of your doubt and open yourself to believing her when she says that she wasn't attracted to you. She even said you felt more like friends than lovers. I don't know if that can change, but I do think you should accept that reality for right now.

[dont know]

But the thing is that we got along on SO many different levels. I know you guys hear that all the time too, but still. We were both just happier people when we were together. We knew how to have fun together all the time doing just about anything. This is now my 10th day of NC (and since the breakup) and this has been by far the worst day in a while. Seriously all I can think about are all of the awesome and fun times we spent together and how I might not ever even see her again..

 

I know I don't want to over analyze the break up, but she said we needed some space for a while. I didn't go beyond that in asking her what that meant, I just knew I should let it go. Does this mean that she doesn't want me out of her life? I'm pretty sure I've already asked these questions before, but I just feel so lost right now. Especially with all of the school-related priorities I have to take care of in these 2 last weeks at college.

 

Did I do the right thing by just initiating NC directly after the break up and not respond to the one text she sent me saying, "Why'd you delete me from facebook?". I'm just really confused right now and wish I could turn back time.. Should I give her a call or text at all if I want to reconcile in the future? Keep in mind she does have the stubborn mentality that some girls do have, so I'm nervous that she will never initiate contact in the future with me because of that.

[Ms Darcy]

"But" is the enemy of acceptance. I get along with my best friend, but I don't want to date him. That is what attraction is about. I'm not saying it can't come back, but I think you need to understand that as a fuel to the fire. In this time, when she asked for space give her space. Don't contact her for at least a few weeks. Set a goal like that for yourself and do things that can make you attractive (to yourself, her, other women).

 

I'm getting a little disturbed when every other guy who was dumped by a gf says she's stubborn. Stubborn is the word you use when a child doesn't do what you want them to do. She has made up her mind and it's your job now to accept it. I am soo sorry for what you are going through. Don't get me wrong. Just know that she's seeing other people and trying to move on from YOU ... I think you need to try to do the same.

[dont know]

Nah, I've given her plenty of space since the breakup. I had 3.5 weeks left of college when she broke up with me, so do you think that maybe a week or 2 after I get home from college (so about 5-6 weeks after breakup) would be a good time to contact her if she hasn't done so already? I figure that a couple weeks after getting home would be a good time, because at that point she will know that I am home and might start missing the little things that I always did for/with her? I have been trying to work on myself a bit since the breakup though. I bought a book I've been meaning to read for a long time and I never really read for pleasure before, I started trying to get out to start talking to other girls (though nothing has really interested me at all!), but its hard to work on myself when I have 7 exams in the next 2 weeks!!!

 

I didn't mean she was stubborn in the fact she left me. Her entire family has the hard-headded approach to life and people.

 

Once school is over that is when I am really going to be able to work on myself 100%, but all I really can do during school is keep working out as much as I have for the past week. I've been toying with the idea of doing some volunteer work while having a job this summer, so hopefully that will get me some happiness and attractiveness

[Ms Darcy]

Get through your exams and then revisit the idea of contacting her. But don't have any expectations about it.

[dont know]

Thanks. Not trying to just complain on this forum until I get what I want to hear or anything, I'm just having a hard time with all this on my plate now... Hopefully I get though this.

[ForumGuy]

I was heartbroken totally about 2 months ago when my ex didn't want to be with me anymore. You will get through it and you are doing the right thing doing NC. My therapist told me NC has been proven the best way to get over someone.

 

It is purely speculation, but on the surface it looks likes she saw you "coming home" and needed to get the break-up moving before you got back for whatever reason. Just try to think rationally and try not hold onto any false hope.

 

2 months ago, I wasn't eating, sleeping, or even really functioning for about the first month. Now, even though I still miss her, I am eating...etc normally. Believe it or not, the toughest part for me is that she has not gone out with anyone else that I can see. But for me, it has always been easier to forget women who immediately move on to someone new.

[dont know]

Yeah, the thing is though is that I don't want to forget her! I couldn't eat for about a week after the breakup and dropped 7ish pounds (all that work in the gym to bulk for nothing...). I'm really just trying to get back to my happy self right now and maybe in time she will come running back. which sometime I kind of expect her to, as I seriously treated better than anyone else in her life. But ForumGuy, I have a gut feeling that she got a case of GIGS, as she enrolled for new college classes a couple weeks ago and told me about some friend she made and after the breakup I figured out this guy she was talking to was in one of her classes. Oh well, I dont really want to know anything about this relationship and maybe thats a sign of me healing a little?

 

So, my progress so far is that I've been reading Moneyball (baseball/economics book I've been meaning to read for a loooooooong time), been running and lifting almost every day, trying my best to keep studying for my finals, trying to eat 3 meals a day again, and been trying to get back out into hanging out with all my old friends and meeting new people.

[ForumGuy]

Well you're doing the right things by the book....but what the hell does the book know about individual real life situations? GIGS makes alot of sense from what I have read and all you can do is go on with life and hope that the grass is not greener for her. I know when I think about mine coming back, I know there is lost trust and it would not be easy now that I am getting back somewhat to normalcy. Every case is different though man, and I wish you the best of luck and strength in the future.

[dont know]

Well, she hasn't texted me since the breakup (14 days now) other than that isolated incident. I feel like crap since my best friend asked me who was with her in some pictures she has been taking... Just ruined the point of NC. I feel back at square 1. She freakin left me for another guy! I thought we were going to have the perfect relationship when I got back home from college, but nope. She threw it away for another guy... I'm betting that sometime when I'm back home from college she will try and contact me sometime, but I just don't know if I have the heart to make the contact. It would've been completely different if we both took some time to ourselves, but I guess she took her "space" that we were supposed to have and is now seeing another guy. What the hell?? She WAS perfect and WAS the best thing that ever happened to me, but even with all this pain i'm experiencing I'm starting to feel like she never gave a flying f--- about me in the first place.

[Ms Darcy]

Said she felt more like we were best friends than in an actual relationship.

 

AHHHH what to do??

 

She freakin left me for another guy! I thought we were going to have the perfect relationship when I got back home from college, but nope. She threw it away for another guy...

 

It would've been completely different if we both took some time to ourselves, but I guess she took her "space" that we were supposed to have and is now seeing another guy. What the hell?? She WAS perfect and WAS the best thing that ever happened to me, but even with all this pain i'm experiencing I'm starting to feel like she never gave a flying f--- about me in the first place.

 

I am soo sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, this is very common. When one person is feeling like the relationship is like a friendship, they are saying that the passion is gone. ... So, off they go to find that passion again. I'm really sorry.

[dont know]

Thats okay, I feel like I'm starting to drop the hope that we could get back together sometime soon. I still miss her, love her, and wish we were together, but I dont think I really have that urge to talk to her anymore. She ripped my heart out and gave hers to someone else, so that has kind of given me the closure I needed in a way. Each day is still going to be rough, but I think I can get through this a little easier now without holding on to that hope anymore. I dont know if I'm improving my situation or just to a HUGE step backwards...