Please help - may be saved by the weekend

[3pleX]

Hey guys,

 

Sorry for the long write up but please be patient and help. You are all I got.

I am a noob here and to the whole world of being dumped. I am still not sure if this is the thread to post this but I would like to get some input from all of you.

 

Here it is in a nutshell:

5.5 years ago I was dating this beautiful blonde who moved out of the country and made it a long distance relationship. At that point I met a redhead, not in the greates shape but amazing personality. Don't get me wrong, this girl was pretty. We automativally clicked as friends and eventualy she stole me from the other girl. We had an amazing honeymoon periond. After that we went into the second stage which was filled with less sex. This was at 22 years old I believe with her being a year old. I made all my biggest decisions with her, moving out of the house, signing my line on the credit to get her a car, finishing school and in general making the best life we could have.

 

She eventually proposed to me and I told her that I want to be the one to do it. That kinda brought her down. 2 years later i proposed to her and it was amazing. A year after I noticed that she was not doing anything with her life and dumped her life and soul into work. Thats how she relieved stress and what made her feel worthy. But, did not fisnish school. I made her go back to school. But, this was after I told her that I wasnt sure if I still wanted to merry her. I just did not see our life together because of these issues. That sent her into a world of feeling worthless. She eneded up cheating on me for two weeks and it did become sexual until I caught her. Right before any of this happened i presented her with paper work for merriage licence. That was to no effect. That hit me like a tone of bricks. We did call off the engagement. I did forgive her and eventualy forgot.

 

Life was good for the next 1.5 years. She did everything she could to make it up to me in every way. To the point where she would take out the dogs in the morning, feed them, make me lunch, just so I could rest. We ended up getting a house but we put that in my name do to better rate. This whole step of getting a house at 27 put me into overdrive in combination with my career life and mind constantly racing, I started popping antidepressants and sleeping pills. It got to the point that the pills made me a walking zombie. Yet, she was still by my side all this time.

 

I found out that she was talking to some guy for a while, texts, phone calls. That put me in a dejavu mode. I came home one sunday (3weeks ago) and told her to pack her things and go to her mom. She tried to rationalize it and asked me back to bed, and genuinly tried to fix it, but I did not have any of it. The following week I saw her at 3am pulling up to that guys house from a party that we were invited to. Now, the guy is close to his 50's, tho doesn't look like it. At least thats what i dug up. She just turned 29.

 

Now, for all this time that she tried to make it up to me, she did give me a ring that I told her that I dont want at the time, kept telling her that I never have time to myself, that I was always in relationships and never had the free space. Combined with the toss out, it made her snap too. Currently, 3 weeks later, she still has all of her stuff in the house, ready to move out. I believe she lives with the guy as her mom just moved to a small apartment. She tells me that she doesnt know if she loves me and wants to be with me and feels a lot of anger for me for what I did.

 

Now, I had a chance to snap out of my daze and pill popping and feeling depressed all the time and started thinking about what made me fall in love with her. And noticed that all of the little things like her cleaining the house and me not finding my stuff later stopped making sense. This is a girl that has been there for me through thick and thin. Invested all of her money in the house, just for me to toss her out. She would jump in the fire for me and now I would too. I still want to live life. Do all of the things that I always wanted. But I do not want to lose her out of it. If I had to choose loosing her and doing these things I would choose her, because these things can be acomplished while being together.

 

Now, I tried begging and pleading. The coin is flipped on me. She told me to go live my life and be happy. And that she needs to get her life together and when/if we get back together she wants it to be for 100% from both sides. She is simply not sure at the moment. Everything would be ok if she did not talk to that guy. She is starting a new job in downtown where she will have to take a train for better access and I'm affraid this will be it. Although, deep down inside I feel that she is my soulmate. She is pissed at me now, so at least some emotion is there. We simply went through to much bad and good times to loose it like that.

 

So, my question, how do I approach this. I dont believe that NC is of use at this time cause she still has all of her things in the house, despite not being there for 3 weeks already. We have 2 dogs together and she is driving a car that we both bought but I am primary on the loan, plates are in my name and the insurance is mine. I treated her like xxxx and I am the first to admit it. I fell into a depression mode and did not see her for what she was. Made her feel unatractive from lack of emotions and sensuality and basicaly made a one, big, massive FAIL out of this. She is supposed to pick up her stuff this week.

 

I did back of and stopped pushing and started to get my life together. Now, dont get me wrong, I finished school, have a good career and am now trying to follow my heart and join the Fire Dept (my calling I believe). I also started putting effort in the house which i havent for a while. She did see me few times and even told me that she is proud of me for getting myself together. Everytime we talk, I sense from her voice and the twinkle in her eye that she is doing all of this on purpose because she still loves me, and knows that if we are to be together I need to get some things out of my system. Or, maybe I'm just lying to myself and think that I sense that.

 

Our last conversation was that I told her that "I see in your eyes that I lost you", and she told me that "you have not looked in my eyes in a while so you dont know". Than I told her that "I see that I'm not the one for her anymore" - something like that, and she responded "you're wrong". but there was no more progress. So she did tell me to go live, and that we are not together and that she is not sure if she will ever want to be with me, yet she also told me that she cares for me and worries about me.

 

At one point she told me that we need to go back to basics of rebuilding our friendship before we jump back into this. I really dont want to see her dating but here is the twist with the friendship thing. I neglected her for so long that doing the NC may not be appropriate in order to gain her back. So, being that she is still not out of the house, what do I do? I did not talk to her since Monday but we ran into eachother at the gym today. We kinda stared at eachother for a bit, she asked me what was on my mind, that she sees that my mind is thinking something, and it was, but all i told her was that she looked nice and to have a great day. She told me that I look bigger and relaxed, told me to have nice one two and she gave me this look like she was proud of what I'm doing. That is the only sense I could make out of it. That followed by a smile. And we parted.

 

I'm sorry for writing all of this, but you guys are my best bet now. There is only so much I can listen to my sister. The point is that I want her back. Not because I'm in a frenzy of treating her as my happiness,which she was. Everytime she said it was gonna be 'ok', i knew it would be. She calmed me down. But, I now know that I want her in my life and am willing to make her as happy as she will ever be. I am also wondering if I should just go enjoy life, choking on that right now, and touch base with her in few months. The only thing is, is that I am affraid that she will move in with this guy which I have found out that they are looking for rental homes in the area. I'm not sure if she is suddenly moved on and ready for a new life with this guy because I treated her like xxxx, or if she simply needs a place to stay, needs someone to talk to, and have ease of travel to work. The dude was gay in the beginning and suddently changed to being bi. Now I could really forgive her for doing xxxx again, if I know that she still loves me. The reason being is that i did bad things too, and this is karma paying me back, and I know that her straying I caused. So, what do I do? I believe that our connection is more on the endless side than just ending now. Both of us have always felt that. At this point I'm not sure that she still does.

[sidehop]

I can only say keep what you're doing and believe in yourself. If she is in fact involved with this guy, ultimately as much as you want her back she'll be the one to decide. You may be ready but she may not be nor will that time come in the future. It's something you just can't tell.

 

I do think you should enjoy your life at this point, just show her the new you. Sooner or later she may just realize or what she's been missing in her life. I'm sure she still misses and loves you but you can't put your life on hold. Because for any reason she decides not to be in your life, you still have yourself, standing strong and is ready to move on.

[3pleX]

Thank you sidehop. I appreciate the input. I am doing slightly better from reading posts posted here. Anyone else has any input. Mu gut is usually right and it kinda tells me that she just want to push my buttons to the max just to see that I dont snap. To see that I do have a backbone.

 

I would like to ask her back when she comes to get her stuff, but I also do not want to push. It must come from her. I see that she is angry but I can tell she still loves me, though she says she is not sure. I have not toled her I love you more than twice for a year. So, I'm getting everything I deserve back. I'm just not sure if she really gave up and moved on or if she loves me this much to put me through this hell and actually decide that I want this.

 

Do I stay and help her unpack from the moving boxes and pack so she could leave or do I split from the house? Do I mention anything about the relationship?

 

Even though I am not hurting as much as I was, I still cant concentrate on most things and the pain is still diggin in. I want this girl in my life. We simply completed eachother until this slip.