Midlife Crisis Meltdown?

[Mauxly]

This may appear to be in the wrong category, but read on...

Ugh…I’ve been so depressed lately. Really, it is kind of inexcusable. I am fortunate enough to have a fabulous job, with lovely co-workers, in an amazingly beautiful mountain town. I am able to engage in super cool hobbies, have loads of friends who love me, I’m healthy, so what is with me?

Lately I’m must miserable. I go out, I hike, I ski, I run rivers, but I feel like I’m not getting any joy out of any of the things I used to love. I feel dead, like I’m going through the motions. I used to write and do spoken word performances….I just can’t bring myself to do this anymore. I don’t even want to sit at the computer and write witty things. I only do it because I’m forced to lately. Don’t really get any release or joy out of it.

 

Seriously, I have absolutely no right to be this depressed. The only thing depressing is that I’m going to be 40 in May, and not only am I still single and can pretty much chuck the idea of ever having my own family…but I’ve lost all faith in men. OK, before you all flame me on that one. I haven’t lost faith in all men, I know that there are some really good ones out there. But the skeezy ones, the ones that just want sex, or lie, and cheat they are so good at pretending that they are the good ones I honestly can’t tell the difference so I’m wary of all of you.

 

Yeah, I know, I know…be happy alone. Historically I’ve been fine with it. I’m not a relationship jumper and I take months/years in between boyfriends. I’ve never had a problem doing this before, I always assumed that in time the right man for me would show up in my life. Now I’m seriously questioning that this will ever happen and I’m coming to terms with the fact that I may very well be alone the rest of my life.

 

That is NOT what I wanted my life to look like. My mother is a loner, she is very lonely and empty. This scares me. I do not want to wind up like her. But it looks like I’m on the same path.

 

I guess I’m still really attractive, at least that is what I hear. So it isn’t about losing opportunity because I’m losing my looks (god I hate how western society devalues women as we age…but still). It’s about losing opportunity because with every relationship, I lose more faith in men, I get more afraid of being yanked around. And of course, this fear not only keeps me away from decent men, but man, if I ever find one, the poor guy…I mean…how can just outright trust someone now? They’d have to earn it. It doesn’t seem fair to do to anyone.

[turnera]

What about hiring a matchmaker, like that guy on VH1 (Tough Love)?

[quirky]

Maybe you feel this way because of the last relationship in the sense that you split up and then tried it again and again it didn't work out. I know you are not crazy about him now but a residue of disillusion is highly probable and natural. Just because you're not inlove any more doesn't mean you're not a bit disheartened after the efforts you made.

 

Don't worry about "ending up" like your mother, you're different and it sounds like you're doing lots of exciting things. If it means anything I think you're great and I wish you from my heart to find love again when you're up for it. It's all a risk. As I often try to say to myself "if it doesn't work out, I'll have 10 double whisky's, spil my guts out to my friends and ena and get over it".

[Mauxly]

Never saw that show.

Hmmm...that is an interesting idea. I live in a small town, I can't imagine they'd have one here.

[Mauxly]

I'll have 10 double whisky's, spil my guts out to my friends and ena and get over it".

 

 

 

You know? I think I take it all too seriously. Maybe that is my problem.

I need to learn how to be light hearted about it all. Kind of hard to be light hearted when wallowing in the depths of depression. This is definitely NOT the time for me to start dating...this is obvious to me now.

[coolchick64]

I hear ya, sister. Totally. I think at a certain age, you realize you don't have unlimited options or time. Setbacks are more difficult because you have less time to rebound. As far as men, yeah, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but after swimming for a few decades, you realize how treacherous that sea can be. However, you still have a lot of time in front of you. True, life is different, you're different, etc., but that's good as well as bad. My mantra is "I'm not dead yet!" Gets me to try new things and persevere. Look, you've just been through a crappy break-up, followed by a challenging reconciliation, and another crappy break-up. That seems like a good reason to be a little down on life, at least temporarily. Give yourself time to process everything. Use the down time to reflect and find a new path. In a year from now, everything could feel like it's falling into place in a new way. And you'll still only be 41 : )

[JonasWaingaro]

Well you surely need to cut yourself some slack. It's still very early since the second break-up. Having given him the benefit of the doubt and getting gut punched again you are bound to be a might disappointed in Cupid. (I hate that lil' sucker too) If you reacted differently I would be more worried. You are in reevaluation mode, that's not bad. Once you pass a certain age it is different. Self reflection is natural. 10months later and I'm still reflecting on things, me, and life in general. That's okay. As to trust...you got me there. But believe me, it's no better on the other side of the fence. Maybe several dozen double whiskeys with quirky will help! I'll join! hehe

[pl3asehelp]

From the posts that I've read from you on various threads, I admire your values and point of view. If I weren't happily married, I'd want to get to you know better. Don't get down, you have a lot to offer.

[Mauxly]

Thanks! You guys are right. I just need to chill out and realize that of course there is going to be a grieving period after what I just went through. Weird, not over him...just the fantasy of a relationship: the death of a dream.

 

I would LOVE to have some whiskeys with you guys. Makers Mark if you don't mind. But several dozen doubles? Come on man...what is this...the suicide thread?

[geekgirl4]

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, but just feeling a bit low. You have a lovely life so live it! Be happy with where you are and the person you are now and some wonderful man will see you in your true colors and love you for it!

[turnera]

Never saw that show.

Hmmm...that is an interesting idea. I live in a small town, I can't imagine they'd have one here.

 

You should see if you can find last year's episodes online and watch them. I'm married, but I learned a LOT from what he taught the women on that show. Basically it's about him showing them how they are self-sabotaging their relationships, or picking the wrong kinds of guys, that kind of thing. He made them face a lot of their own stuff they didn't want to see. Good stuff!

[catfeeder]

[...] I mean how can just outright trust someone now? They’d have to earn it. It doesn’t seem fair to do to anyone.

 

What has given you the impression that anything less than blind trust deprives anyone? Earning trust is a level playing field that healthy, trustworthy people have zero difficulty navigating. The assumption is perfectly valid that people are 'potentially' trustworthy, yet we ALL need to earn trust over time from other healthy people with reasonable boundaries and cautions and limits.

 

Your concerns are perfectly fair. Nobody worth your trust will expect you to give it freely without having earned it, and anyone who balks at that IS suspect.

 

That said, while depression can amplify negativity and turn anything into a reason for feeling depressed, that's a symptom--not a cause. Just like a flu or diabetes or any other health condition that can strain one's optimistic nature, depression doesn't require a 'reason' for affecting you.

 

The good news/bad news is that you didn't think your way into depression or necessarily 'do' anything to bring it on--which also means that you aren't likely to think your way out of it by solving mental riddles. The things you view as hurdles aren't sources of depression, they are reflections of it. Depression can strike anyone at any stage of life, and the fact that you can't identify a cause and sound as though you feel you have no 'right' to be in this state can actually be a sign of it.

 

I hope you'll consider exploring some professional treatment. To many people this means seeing a medical doctor for meds, but I view that as missing the point. Mental health is an area I'd reserve for mental health professionals, and talk therapy combined with exercise could turn out to be enough to lift you out of this. If not, then adding a reasonable plan for carefully monitored meds is something you can negotiate without fear of having anything imposed on you.

 

In your corner.