Confused and in love!

[very_confused]

Okay, so here's my situation!

 

Me and this guy met about 10 years ago, in college. We became inseparable, we knew everything about each other, likes, dislikes, moods, etc. We were both deeply in love with each other, but neither of us had the guts to come out and talk about it. We joked about it playfully (religion was the reason it was never seriously pursued) but we still remained best friends and those feelings continued to grow.

I got pressured into an arranged marriage, it ended within a year. By this time, he was engaged (also arranged). I told him when it was over and he again 'jokingly' said we should be together and he didn't care about the engagement. I laughed it off.

Then days before his wedding we were talking and he told me how he wishes he wasn't feeling so pressured to go through with the wedding and how he wishes things could be different.

I didn't say anything then, but I was broken inside. I wanted him to leave her and to tell me openly that he wanted us to be together. Neither of us had the courage to do it or say anything.

Even going through with the marriage, and after the fact, I knew he wasn't happy. He was just 'dealing with it'. (We talked every day even after he got married for over a year..)

She could tell there was a much deeper connection between him and I and she pushed him to cut off contact with me. Eventually he did. He's been married for a couple of years now. He will still contacts me to wish me happy birthday, without her knowing of course.

I ignored the feelings initially. I tried meeting guys, and every guy I met, there was something different with each one that I didn't like. Until I sat down and seriously started reflecting on what it was that I was looking for. And I realized I was trying to find him, heck, I even dated a guy who looked like him.. I realized after that what drew me to that guy was who he reminded me of.

Anyway, the way I feel about him is too deep and too strong. And for many years I know he felt the same way.

I haven't moved past it, in my heart, I've always been waiting for him to tell me that it didn't work and he wants to be with me. That hasn't happened. (He never had the guts to break off the engagement, breaking off a marriage would be so much harder).

I can't move on. I want to finally get it all off my chest and tell him that I'm still in love with him (Even though we never said it openly) and that the connection I felt with him is deeper and stronger than anything I've ever felt with anyone and I know he felt it too. And hope that either his relationship is either ended by now or we can give it another shot, or that atleast I will get closure and can move on knowing I gave it all I've got and that he's in a different place now.

 

This is taking a lot of courage out of me to do, but I feel like if I'm not being honest with myself, I've got one life to live, I can't go on with regrets of not knowing.

(It would kill me to end up married again, maybe feel like I'm settling, and then hear from him later that he's divorced)

 

Thoughts?! Am I crazy?!!

[lana111]

i dont think youre crazy at all. a lil too shy, but not crazy

 

you are right; you have one life. one chance to do what makes you happy. one chance to give it a shot with a guy who could be the greatest experience of your life.

 

tell him. tell him. tell him.

[Mauxly]

He's married....that is huge.

I know that it is an arranged marriage, so, especially to western eyes, it seams less valid. However it was a commitment he made. He is obviously taking it seriously because he's mostly respecting his wife’s wishes not to contact you.

 

If you contact him, you may be able to lead him astray. However, she will be left in ruin. It may be safe to assume that at this point he loves her like family, so this may be very traumatic for him too. Do they have children?

 

Do you really want to do that to someone you think you love?

 

On that note, the love note...be very wary. We tend to delude ourselves about people. We give them fantasy qualities that they don't really have. We especially do this when we long for them and do not have much contact. You've made him into some kind of super love in your head. This may not be based in reality at all.

 

This is why infidelity is so common these days, this delusion. And this is also why those lovers rarely stay together. Once the reality of who they are REALLY with sets in, they regret destroying their families.

 

There is another person out there for you. There is no ONE person for us. That is a destructive myth.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So you ended your marriage but this guy decided to stay with the marriage despite having feelings for you. Well, then, that is all you need to know. He made his choice. If he really really wanted you he wouldn't have gone through with the marriage...and if he really really thought he made a big mistake, he would have ended the marriage by now and come back to you. He made his choice to get married and he made his choice to stay married even if he may not be happily married. Declaring yourself to him is not going to do any good, nor is it the right thing to do. HE has to be the one to come to you but ONLY if he decides his marriage is a sham and ends it.

[Kraegorn]

Trxy is right. Don't destroy what you or other's create. It's better to live a life of clear-conscious than give in to one's destructive desires. It's becoming a popular trend these days -- creating drama to feel more alive. The path to true happiness is being aware of what you do to yourself and others.

[very_confused]

Thank you for your replies!

Trxy - The points you mentioned are valid. And I've thought long and hard about it. (I'm trying not to contact him on a whim but really think it through, because I understand the consequences).

- I don't think its fantasy qualities or lust or infatuation. I know him inside and out (or atleast I did). I know his flaws, he can get on my nerves for many reasons. But knowing that I still want to be with him, despite his flaws, and accepting them -- that to me is real love.

- A part of me doesn't think he'll have the courage to end his marriage, even if he does feel the same way about me. Too many people he'd end up disappointing. And if so, then so be it, I can move on atleast knowing and without regrets of wondering.

- I agree with your point that there doesn't have to be just one person for us. I know I won't die if I'm not with him. I know there's a good chance he will do nothing about it. I would never have an affair with him. And I feel I respected him and his wife by not continuing to contact him afterward. But I also need my own closure. I need to be able to move on (with or without him) but atleast getting this off my chest. I can't even maintain a healthy relationship with any other guy, because I constantly compare them to him and how he made me feel. That's not healthy!

 

Crazyaboutdogs - Thanks for your response. And that's initially what I did. I thought, screw him, he doesn't have the strength to do what he really wants, why should I have to nudge him along. I thought I could move on after that. But I haven't. I know back then, he wanted me to tell him we could be together and that would have pushed him to do it. That irritated me back then. But I guess that's one of his weaknesses, not being able to stand up for what he really wants or taking those chances (which is a major reason why I don't think he'll do anything).

 

Also, Trxy - the point about children, I'm not sure, I think he may have a baby by now. I understand the trauma in destroying a family. But I don't understand how people stay married 'for the sake of the children' and instead raise children in a home full of dysfunction and no love between the spouses.

I know SO many single people in their 30s+ who think marriage is total BS because of seeing their parents so unhappy together and they think, why the heck do I want that? And time and time again, I've heard from children of bad marriages, that they wished their parents divorced and lived happily separately. It would have had a less negative effect on the kids that way.

(I have been blessed - my parents are very much in love, and its encouraging to know that its possible!)

And so, I guess that's why I don't feel as guilty if their marriage does break up. What's the point of it anyway? To portray a false image to others? To have the outward appearances of a happy home?

 

Again, I know I don't know it all. These are just my thoughts. I'm posting all of this online because I want honest feedback - so be brutally honest!

[astromantic]

you have got to stop believing that he is the only man for you! there are too many people in this world that believes in that myth and that's why so many people are always complaining they can't find 'the one' - its because there isn't only one! i always felt that we, as human beings, are one of the most adaptable creatures on this planet and we make do with our situation. so should you. leave this man alone. he's made his choice to you loud and clear: he stopped contacting you for the sake of his family other than as an acquaintance. If he really didn't have his heart in the right place, he wouldn't have followed his wife's wishes. he chose his wife and accepted her to be his one in his present life. you should do the same and find and accept someone else to be your 'one'.

[lana111]

i agree with the other posters about him being married, but whats the hurt in telling him; making it concrete?

 

it could be as simple as an email like... maybe you know, maybe you dont, but ive always wanted to be with you. then the ball is in his court. if he feels the same, after that, its up to you to do the right thing, like not have an affair but rather wait to see what happens. im not saying confessing your love to a married man is the best thing in the world, but its just a confession. it doesnt have to be anything more than that at this time. call me not old fashioned hahaha, but i dont think that telling a lifetime friend how you feel about em is being a homewrecker. he is the one who will decide to stay or leave.

 

of course there are other guys out there for you, but this is the one you have come accross. he could have been the one to confess, but he didnt. maybe bc he really doesnt feel the same, maybe bc he didnt have it in him. i think someone needs to come out with it.

[Mauxly]

i agree with the other posters about him being married, but what’s the hurt in telling him; making it concrete?

 

Well, the problem with this is the motive. Why would she do this unless she truly hopes that he leaves his wife. If you do something/anything with the hopes to break up a family I think that defines home wrecking. Of course, there are always a million justifications/rationalizations...and that is why people continue to do this kind of thing no matter the destruction they leave.

 

Think about it. Maybe it is overall a good marriage, but like all marriages it is having a rough spot. Maybe this is all it would take to make him question everything. And maybe that is the hope right?

 

I don't know, no...I do know. It would be wrong.

 

The OP needs to think about it this way. Say she were married to him, would she want some other woman contacting him like this?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I'm not sure, I think he may have a baby by now

 

So if he got married and made a baby with her, why in the world would you want him back anyway...he CHOSE another woman, not you, and CHOSE to "solidify" that union with a baby...that shows that his priority was not you and not feelings for you. Even if the whole marriage is a sham, he still CHOSE the sham...and CHOSE to make a baby within that possible sham marriage, rather than act on any feelings for you. THIS should be your closure...he made his choices already. If you think he is too much of a coward to end a sham marriage and chose to dig himself even deeper into it by making a baby then why in the world would you want someone that weak who can't stand up for himself and just lets himself get carried away. Your closure should be the fact that he made his choices to enmesh his life with someone else...the reason doesn't matter, his state of happiness in the bed he made doesn't matter...the only thing that matters is the choice he made.

[very_confused]

Trxy - sure, I'd be ticked off if another woman was contacting my man on this basis. But why would I want a man who's heart is somewhere else? And if she did, I'd fight for him. If they don't stand a chance, then I wouldn't feel so bad.

 

Isn't that what every person wants in a relationship? To hold the heart of their mate? Not feeling insecure or having to fight someone else for it?

 

And yeah, I get what you're saying - it is starting to seem more and more like home wrecking. But, I'll be honest, yes, I want him to question everything! (Yeah, it's bad, I feel guilty, I really do - but I'm so damn tired of being the girl with the good moral conscience. Because it sure as heck seems that everyone else who's a bit more sneaky, clever, etc gets ahead in life and gets what they want. Because being the nice girl.. ALWAYS... has gotten me nothing! Well, I do often pat myself on the back for always doing the right thing, but I'm learning that you have to be selfish to be happy.)

 

Heck, I was so preachy and pious that when we'd talk and he'd make any flirtatious comments, I told him, you know, you shouldn't say anything to me that you wouldn't feel comfortable saying if your wife was standing next to you. Because it made me feel wrong.

 

Crazyaboutdogs - SIGHHHHHhhhhhhh. I understand what you're saying, but what is unsettling for me is worrying and wondering that what if maybe its already breaking apart? Or it breaks apart in a few years and then I go and get married to someone else - someone who isn't quite him, but is good enough - and then I hear back from him that he's divorced. I may totally lose it then.

I just feel like there was so much that was left unsaid. I want him to really know what I felt. Even if he doesn't act on it. I won't look back then.

 

Even before I had the idea of contacting him, I would always daydream about either him telling me its over or growing old, and us both being widowed and falling back into each other's arms. Okay, that's a bit dramatic, but what I mean is, that our paths would cross again, when we were a bit more mature and honest with ourselves.

 

I guess I'm being so insistent because I went into an arranged marriage that was the most painful experience of my life. I couldn't get myself to just accept someone as my life partner who I didn't even like. And after moving on from it, and not staying just for the sake of 'its a marriage' or for appearances or pleasing everyone but ME, I've been SO much happier. I guess he on the other hand found ways to make the best of that situation. But why? Why make the best of a situation that you don't need to make the best of?

 

I do agree, marriage is never easy, there's ups and downs, you don't just throw in the towel because you're annoyed - but that only makes sense to me if you went into the marriage wanting to be married to that person. He didn't. But yeah, he did make that choice.

[very_confused]

And I'm tired of this moral high road I've been running on because the only reason I didn't open up to him initially was because my parents disapproved of me marrying outside my religion. In retrospect, (and they are opening their minds up to a lot now and realize it wasn't that big of a deal), they would have been happier to see me happily married to him.

 

So, part of me is really frustrated that I listened to my parents (did the arranged marriage, didn't pursue the guy I was in love with) and it got me nowhere. I thought, the right thing to do was listen to what they thought was right because that's what good girls do, listen to their parents.

And I see tons of others I know pursuing what they want, (they're definitely stronger than I was), determined to follow their hearts and they end up happy!

 

Anyway, regardless, I'm pretty sure I've lost my chance with him - but what have I got to lose?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

What you have to lose is your integrity and sense of self. Would you really feel better if you declared yourself to him and he rejected you saying he is not leaving his wife and that's that. Would it really give you closure...I doubt it...because if you are more of a moral minded person then you will have gone against your values. Just because everyone else has a devil may care attitude and acts like Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler, doesn't mean they are truly happy. People who are selfish and have no sense of morality and integrity are not very happy because they are really all about what else they can acquire...they are never happy with what they have. If the only way you could get this guy to come back to you is to declare yourself, then you would end up miserable because you would have gotten someone who is easily influenced by others, can't think for himself, just goes with the flow, sits on the fence and doesn't really commit. The onus has to be on him to figure out what he wants and how to get it legitimately, if he is truly unhappy with the current situation.

[very_confused]

It's such a painful feeling to think of 'what could have been'. I know that even if we end up together, it would never be what it was before or what it could have been before. Especially if there are children involved. It was so pure and innocent back then, that it hurts to think I've lost my chance with him.

 

I'm such a hopeless romantic, I watch all those love story movies and see the scenes of the older woman/man wisftfully longing for someone from their past, but given their current circumstances they don't. And I'd think, just GO FOR IT! Be happy! Just BE HAPPY! hah, how naive of me.

 

Such a bittersweet feeling. We actually work at the same place.. (its a huge place, so I only pass by him maybe once every few months). Just saw him walk by. Life blows! Now, I get why people are such complete #@$#@% sometimes.. because being the good girl/boy screws them up!

 

But some real life fairy tale romances do exist.. I know of a few here and there, and they make you hopeful. Sure, I'll find someone else, yadda, yadda, it'll be great, we'll love each other, but there's always something about that first real love.

 

Who knows, I'll let it sit for a while, maybe make my final decision in a few weeks. Right now, I'm still thinking I should send it. I don't feel its fair for me to go into a new relationship and always wonder about him. I need to really close that chapter. And I guess so far I haven't been able to.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think people who are jerks necessarily get what they want...maybe for a short time they do...but I think jerks quickly get bored of what they trampled on everyone to get...because ultimately, for the jerk, it really is about the process rather than the prize.

[amipushy]

I think you would be making a massive mistake. It sounds to me like you will be going in to this to make him choose between you and her once and or all, but he already did that on the day he married her so whats the point?

 

And what if he doesnt choose you? What if she has a baby, or is pregnant? What if he resents you for trying to break up his marriage? It will be a huge mess and you will have created it and given yourself a broken heart and something that was once special to you both will end.

 

If his marriage is a sham and he loves you, then let him end it and come back to you because his heart tell him thats where he belongs to you not because you interferred.... It's not like he doesnt know where you are or how to contact you.

[very_confused]

Yeah. You guys are right. I've always thought along those lines, but have just been overly emotional these past few days and realizing the chance I missed.

If their marriage ends, that needs to be between them, not because of me. Sigh. That's one thing that always ticked me off about him. His lack of courage. Always played it safe.

 

And so, maybe fully realizing and accepting it for what it was and what it is now will help me have closure and I will move on.

 

Now I understand what it means that some things are better left unsaid. Maybe this year I'll at least let him know how much I appreciate his annual birthday emails. Is it sad that, that is what I look forward to most on my birthday?

 

But in the back of my mind I sure as heck am still going to fantasize about our paths crossing again and having that happily ever after! (Yes, I am a hopeless romantic!)

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You mentioned about meeting up with him when you are both widowed...but why would you want to meet up with him years later after he chose to live the prime years of his life with someone else. Why would you want to take him later in life so that you get stuck with the old age him and all the illness and health problems that come with age. If he didn't want to share his prime years with you, why should you be stuck sharing the golden years when you would have to deal with taking care of him. It is one thing to take care of someone in old age if you have both shared a lifetime together, or if you only just met when you are older...but why bother with someone who didn't think you were good enough for them when you were both in the prime of your life.

[very_confused]

Crazyaboutdogs - thanks for the push in right direction. Sigh. I did think that way, 'why would I want him later if he didn't want me enough to go after it, why should I take him when its easy for him'. Just recently it's been hitting me pretty hard and I'm overly emotional and vulnerable and feeling quite weak and pathetic.

Time to close that chapter and move on.

 

Thanks to all of your responses I won't be screwing with a family (however dysfunctional and unhealthy it may be).

[kittycat112]

that makes sense there isn't ever "the one" there are more than just one person

srry i love my bf (if he ever left my heart would break my heart, for a awile) and my best friend (who it feels like if he ever left my life idk what i would do(i've know him sense i was 6)

 

he made a choice, he's married now and has a kid. no matter how you feel about him he made a choice

sorry to say but that speaks for its self