Strange feelings mixed with low confidence

[SadAndy]

Hi folks, me again!

 

Having just been dumped by my ex of 14yrs I am naturally very sad and miss our daughter very much. I am having some strange feelings however that I am not actually missing my ex, more the fact that I am missing the company and someone to return home to each night and share life with.

For those of you who don't know my story (very few by now i expect!) she was my first and only love and I was hers. Things were fine until a year or two after our daughter was born and then she cheated for 6 months with my best mate and left me 2 months ago for a new guy (hes 21, shes 33).

She then 'confessed' that she had infact been having an 18 month affair with the first guy right up until just before we split. (nice woman, eh?)

 

When I look around i see thousands of much more attractive women and most seem nicer personality wise as well.

My problem is that a) my job is a solitary one based in a male dominated environment so meeting and getting to know women is very difficult. b) I am challenged in the 'looks' department, maybe a 3 or 4 out of 10. As most attraction is physical this makes 'pulling' very hard indeed. c) my ex has destroyed me emotionally and my self confidence was never very high but is now at zero.

I cannot see a way out of this as I could take up new activities or volunteer etc but the chances of finding 'the one' this way is very slim as it comes down to them doing the same activities.

 

I think that I am more scared of having no-one to 'be with' rather than actually missing my ex, although I am still only seeing her good points.

I am also consumed with anger and jealousy about what she has done and how perfectly her life is with this bloke (and trust me it is!). They seem ultra compatible and it appears true love right from the start. Even the 12 yr age gap doesn't seem to be an issue as he is older than his years and she is acting like a teenager!

I do try not to think about her life but everytime I think about what i've lost, what I had and how crappy my life is (and with the facts above about my chances of meeting someone new) I automatically think back to how great her life is!

 

Once again, HELP!

[Catdancer]

Are you getting to spend time with your daughter? That would be my first priority. Your child is more important than your ex, so make a schedule that allows you plenty of time with your child. That is your first step. Next is finding something that you can do to make you feel better. So many people use the gym because you can physically release the anger and frustration and make yourself feel better at the same time. I would suggest this since you have so much anger. One step at a time and one day at a time.

[thinkdan]

Oh man, that sucks. I don't know exactly how you feel, but I am a little in the same boat.

 

I got dumped after 7 years together, 4.5 being married to her. I don't know if she cheated or not, but she is prolly sleeping around now and it kills me. I am also challenged with the looks department, being overweight.

 

I don't know what to tell you except what everyone else is telling me.

 

1) Keep busy

2) Exercise

3) Keep NC!!! And write down all your thoughts in a journal

4) Do stuff for YOU, and your daughter

5) Be as social as you can

 

I am so sorry for what has happened.

[stormie]

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I felt the same way when my ex husband of 10 years dumped me for a much older woman LOL (she's 10 years older than I am). My self esteem plummted as well, and I was emotionally devasted.

 

What helps is the obvious - going to the gym, writing your thoughts down on a journal etc.

 

Right now, I'm trying meeting different groups of people and doing things like I've never done before. I've done flying a single engine airplane, gone to exciting sports like white water rafting and mountain climbing, and today, I'm getting my passport to travel overseas. (lol, you can say i've kept busy). If you can't find any groups of people who'd do these things with you, try link removed - try searching for a group on there who has the same interests as you do.

 

One day, you'll wake up and wont' think about this mess any longer in the same way you do now.

[SadAndy]

I totally agree although I cant join the gym as I have lost so much weight, I cant afford to burn anymore calories off!

 

It does still leave the problem about meeting people in general. Unless they happen to be flying aeroplanes at the same time...................

I have considered giving up my job and going to work in a supermarket or something just to return to normal hours and meet normal people but that would be akin to cutting my nose off to spite my face (its bad enough as it is!) as I would work twice as hard for a third of the money!

 

i also have that awful feeling EVERY minute about how perfect her life is, even when i'm doing something I can't help but think what shes doing or how great things are for her. AAARRGGGHHHHHH!!!

 

Just for the record, are you single! lol

 

Thanks for all of your kind comments, I know I am not in a unique position but I never thought I would be here and whats making it worse is that my ex is over me already! Kind of adds insult to injury!

[incaangelique]

The lonely period sucks! No doubt about it. I'm there. I miss being in a relationship and living with someone, a lot. At the same time I know that I am no way ready to date yet. I wouldn't be able to focus the attention on new relationships that they would deserve. I don't want to get involved with anyone now, because it wouldn't be fair to them. I am not over my ex at all, and anything I got involved involved in now would be a rebound, or something that I just wouldn't be able to give a fair chance. I believe in a form instant karma. It keeps me honest. Hurting another guy to keep me company right now is something that would end up hurting me.

THE LONELINESS IS AWFUL THOUGH.

[yonanz]

hey...joining the gym doesnt burn calories if u stay off those cardios! u can go to the gym to buff up..basically str training...seriously, it will help boost your confidence by manifold if u buff yurself up and have nice shoulders, chest and arms.

[yonanz]

hey rmb always, what is happening in her life is IRRELEVANT! It aint no matter anymore! whether shes happy with that guy, or getting over you, is all unimportant. what is the most important thing now is YOU!

 

its impossible that you cant find anyone again, or that your loocs are not attractive. how then did u even attract your ex in the first place? Yes, you are still capable of attracting people, and you can still fall in love, and the right one is still lurking around the corner. dont tell yourself self-defeating remarks like your looks are not good enough, or there are no girls that you can fall for again. you know this is not true and are just thoughts resulting from a negative and low self esteem after a breakup.

 

First improve yourself, physically and emotionally and in your life. there are many ways to meet people, not just through work.

 

stay strong bud, we are all here to listen

[stormie]

Meeting people is not that bad as long as your'e willing to take the dive and register in a site like link removed. Usually, different groups of people meet at all times of the day. Even if you don't find close friends there, your mind will be too busy enjoying the things that YOU want to do. In my case, I find flying and water rafting to be very therapeutic. Recently, I found a site for hang gliding and will register to do that as well

 

As far as your ex having the time of her life - well, I must admit that it may be true... for the moment. I remember when I found my ex husband on facebook (we haven't spoken since he left), I saw that the other woman had given birth to his child, and that he was living in a huge luxury home holding up his daughter as happy as happy can be. Howver, recently, when I took him to court to collect money from him that he owed me, I found out that he has no money whatsoever, and that not only is he totally dependent on her financially, but that they both had given up the luxury home and are now living below average. (and yet he still owes me plenty of cash

 

As for your ex, rest assure that this is only a temporary feeling of euphoria on her part, and that she's in for a big disappointment. It shows by the fact that she was so willing to leave what's stable (you, daughter, etc) for someone else who's a lot younger and who will most definitely drop her like a hot potato as soon as he finds someone else who can replace her - and believe me, this will happen in due time. Most guys that age who'd encourage a woman to leave her partner are not loyal or stable to begin with. I hate to say, she may only be filling his physical needs. Some women are too stupid to realize that.

 

By the way, the only reason why your ex is "over you" is only because she has that new guy and he's giving her that "new" attention - it has nothing to do with you as a person per se.

 

And yes, I am single - and proud - woo hooooo !! LOL