Ok, need help.

[Colhad75]

Hi all

 

I really need help as my search for love is difficult. There is much against me but the act of looking for love is really depressing me.

 

Ok, so I have things against me. I don't work, I don't drive and I don't live alone. I also have Aspergers Syndrome which is a high functioning Autism. This can impact on me socially, eye contact is also a problem. Although I do think I am improving with that.

 

Because of my Aspergers, I am very isolated. I don't get out as much as I should. Although this is an area that I am getting better with. I attend the gym, I go to some Aspergers meetings. I am making an effort to gain a social life.

 

Becuase of my isolation, particularly during my my 20s and early 30s. I have never had any sort of relationship. I've never even dated. I really only started looking aound Christmas time, I know these things take time.

 

I have signed up on so many dating sites, have messaged heaps of women. Really speaking, I have had nothing. I know I am capable of love, I am loyal, caring. I would treat a lady like a queen.

 

The dating sites I have signed up on are: Plenty of Fish, OK Cupid, Nextwink and plenty others. Mostly all free sites, I have tried pay sites but I have never had any luck there either.

 

I guess I need some hope of finding a lady. I do have a lack of confidence, I struggle to approach women fullstop. I don't know where or when it would be appropriate to approach a woman.

 

Need advice and some hope.

 

Thanks all.

[sidehop]

Hi Colhad, it sounds like you're taking steps to becoming more aware of yourself and participating in activities so you shouldn't see the situation too hard. I'm sure with each step you take, the better chance you'll have in meeting women. Dating sites are great but other social activities not necessarily going to clubs or bars will still give you the opportunity to talk to other women.

 

If you're trying to improve yourself the outcome can only be better!

 

There is always hope Good luck.

[bostonbruins44]

I don't like the line ''because of my aspergers I am very isolated .I don't get out as much as I should.''Yes,socialization is hard for people with aspergers but to not do it[socialize] is still a choice that you are making.

[abitbroken]

I agree that socialization is a choice. You are going to get zero dates if you talk to them "because of my asperger's..." i don't do this or that. People fall in love with a person and not a syndrome. I have Asperger's syndrome (but notice I have never mentioned or introduce myself with that on these forums) but was not diagnosed in my teens and college years - it happened only recently. What I realized what I did to cope was something one psychologist called getting a "Social Sister," or echolachia, meaning I would always have one close friend (I had other friends, but read on..) who usually was very social and would either go to musical events, bars, clubs or whatever. I would begin to mimic or adapt her social cues/ interactions. I wouldn't take over her friends, but I picked up on social cues like appropriate things to say, appropriate contact. When she went to a particular place, she would get dolled up, so so would I. Not to copy her, but to pick up what was socially acceptable for that particular place. If she was dressed in pjs, I would know I didn't have to dress up. When we went out, she would scope for guys and I would be a little more reserved, or at least not freak out over a guy. I always assumed that they were looking at her. And she sort of took me as her devil's advocate or conscience. She would ask me about what I thought about her going home with someone or whatever and on paper and intellectually, I understood and told her my opinion. I was interrpreted as "calm and cool," rather than someone who wasn't picking up on the signals guys were sending me. I eventually learned what the social interactions of accepting a drink or not for a guy meant or other stuff like that from watching her, or it being sent my way in her presence and then her getting all excited about it happening to me.

 

Anyway, I never met a guy in a bar, but one of my friends (I always hung out with one more intensely at a time), got upset once because a guy she fancied propositioned me viewing me as the cool mysterious brunette who didn't seem to be too flapped by his talk. I seemed to be the girl that didn't mess with jerks, when really I had no such boundaries, i just didn't know how to talk to the jerks.

 

Going forward without my social sisters, I am a lot better off at determining what is going on and am pretty good now at picking up on who is merely being friendly and who wants to go out with me. I am not always 100%. Sometimes I get freaked when I am not 100% sure but it doesn't happen often.

 

I ended up meeting my first bf online. We did have mutual friends, etc. The relationship ultimately didn't work out but I kept it going for a year. The second boyfriend, I met someone who overwhelmed me and was a bit controling. Beware of people who sweep you off your feet. We were actually married for awhile. I met my current bf because I was just really "ready" to meet someone.

 

 

You need a 'social brother' . I am not saying you need to go to the bar - in fact, the bars I went to were not really dancing/drinking fests - mostly went to see friends perform or they were events like that. But mostly we went to piano bars where the point was eating interesting food and chatting with interesting folks or the museums who had a three piece string emsemble and wine and cheese. Now, I don't do any of that anymore - but also, I was 19-22 at the time, btw. I would find a "social brother" who has joined a bowling league, volunteers with Habitat or attends the charity balls, etc. Not as a hanger on or to depend on him, but periodically expand your horizons and you will get to see what happens when he interacts with women that want to date him, just friends or he is pursuing.

 

Also, I encourage you to attend things you like to do - if you have a hobby or an interest and there is a discussion group for that, it may help you as you will have loads to talk about with women there.

 

The other thing that might help is periodically go out somewhere and use a goal in your mind "i am going to this club or this gold tournament or this book signing because I will meet just one person there" even if you don't exchange numbers and even if the person ends up to be not someone you'd date, like just finding out a guy who ran the event and your dad know eachother, etc, its a victory. If you can just take baby steps and have a goal in mind going to a place, it will eventually be easier and you will meet a woman.

 

You might not meet someone at your asperger's group because sometimes you need someone who is a little more different and complimentary to you rather than more the same. I am very fulfilled in my relationship with a man who is neuro typical. I would not thrive in a relationship where someone was just like me. But that's just me. He understands that I get overwhelmed if we are running to one family gathering to another and need my downtime, even if its just 20 minutes.. However, for some reason, I do fine if its just the two of us and we go to the mall or somewhere where there are tons of people. Its like we are alone.