Ex miss-texts to me and I'm such a freaking mess right now. Please help.

[miss meh]

Mine really looked to be a GIGS breakup that occurred COMPLETELY out of the blue about 2.5 months ago where the ex swore up and down that he didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone and he just wanted to sleep around for a while. When we broke up, he was insistant that there was no one else, and I did actually believe him. I hadn't even been harboring hopes that he was coming back, at least any time soon (months down the line, if EVER).

 

I had come to terms with that, or at least I thought I had, so much so that the thought of him * * * * ing random girls didn't even really bother me. I was doing really really well, and felt like I was 95% healed. I even thought maybe we were actually on the road to maybe someday being friends again. EVERYTHING he has done since the breakup has had just reinforced what he said, and no matter how hard I tried he wouldn't let me go. He breaks NC constantly and hasn't ever gone more than 9 days without having a normal-non checking up non-keeping me on a string conversation with him. He doesn'tpull disappearing acts after these convos either. He gets UPSET (sad upset, not angry upset) when he hasn't been in contact with me for a while. He acts like he really cares, he worries about me, he gives me advice and offers to do nice things for me, and he still hasn't let me go, and he freaking arranged to meet for a one-on-one hangout with me TWO DAYS ago during which he was super friendly and greeted me with a hug and showed me around his new place even, and the whole damn thing went really really well. He has never EVER run hot and cold with me since the breakup, and at the end of the meetup he told me to not be such a stranger, and sounded really genuinely sad that I wasn't even around much anymore.

 

And now I feel like I'm right back to square one of the breakup.

 

He sent me a text tonight that was clearly meant for someone else. I wasn't delusional, and I knew full well that were going to be other girls, and sooner probably rather than later, but the content of the text message just doesn't scream booty call, at least in so much as it involved a pet name. And so I feel really lied to, not only about the 'reasons' for the breakup because now I'm in the spiral of wondering if he's been lying to me the whole time about whether there were other girls and things during the end of relationship, but also because he was obviously trying to keep this from me. I feel so USED right now, I feellike he used me while he was dating me and he used me after he broke up with me. Why the hell has he made such a genuine, non-stringing along effort to keep me in his life? I'm so angry right now that he would 'try to be friends' with me and KEEP this from me, instead of being honest. The person I thought I know NEVER would have done that, and he never EVER lied to me before. Hell the person I thought I knew would never ever have met up with an ex while he was seeing someone else and was really uncomfortable with the idea of even being friends with exes. He was really genuinely upset the one time I met up with an ex of mine to sort through some (non-relationship) stuff while we were dating. I'm so utterly devastated that I could have been so utterly wrong about him.

 

The worst part is, he followed up the first text up immediately with "and it doesn't really get more awkward than that" and then * * * * ing asked me questions about my life and how my day was going?? While he's on his way to go freaking meet some other girl.

 

I still love him and I want what's best for him and if this girl makes him happy then I really genuinely wish him all the happiness in the world with her. But I'm in so much pain right now that I don't even know what to do. I think it actually hurts worse than the day he broke up with me.

 

I know I have to go total NC now. I don't want to interfere in his new relationship at all, and I certainly don't want to be the emotional sponge that he uses to make this thing work-- as much as I care about him it's not fair to me for him to get all the benefits of a relationship from someone else but with the emotional connection he seems to be trying to maintain with me. And it's certainly not fair to whomever this girl is. When he broke up with me he said I was his best friend and that no one knew him better and I feel like such a fool for buying it, but he WAS my best friend and miss that so freaking much right now and have for the entire time of the breakup, even tho I've been trying really really hard to keepmy distance. I know I can't give him ANYTHING anymore, but I have no idea how to proceed from here.

 

I'm going complete radio silence for now, but he IS going to track me down and try to talk to me and I have no idea what to say to him when he does.

He WILL contact me soon, I am 100% certain of that. I don't have any clue what to say to him. We're NOT in a relationship and so I don't feel like I even have any right right to be angry at him or hurt by this but I feel so betrayed by the fact that he wasn't honest with me. Not by the fact that there's another girl, but because he's been lying to me for however long he has.

 

Please help, I really don't know what to do.

[misssmithviii]

He's keeping you on the backburner... keeping the stove hot all around and making sure you're there as a backup - that's why he's juggling you and other girls bc he knows you'll keep falling for it.

 

Don't talk to him, move on from the thought of him bc he is totally not deserving and you need to not have to deal with this kind of b/s.

[holdingon]

How do you 'accidently' send a text like that to your ex? What a coincidence that it was you who got it. Sounds suss to me.

[miss meh]

I would think it was bs except that he's once accidentally sent me a (much more completely innocent) text intended for someone else in the past, and because I had sent him one about 30 minutes prior to response of doom.

[miss meh]

He's keeping you on the backburner... keeping the stove hot all around and making sure you're there as a backup - that's why he's juggling you and other girls bc he knows you'll keep falling for it.

 

Don't talk to him, move on from the thought of him bc he is totally not deserving and you need to not have to deal with this kind of b/s.

 

He's going to want to talk to me at some point. I wouldn't even it past him to bring this mis-texting scenario itself up in a couple of days. What do I do when he does? Ignoring him makes it seem like he's really gotten to me, and quite frankly, I don't want to give him that ego boost. On the flipside, it also means he knows I'm gone for good, and no more safety net.

 

I would love to get back together with this guy someday, but I'm not going to sit around waiting for it to happen, and I'm certainly not going to do it at the expense of a third party's feelings, that's for sure.

[lavenderdove]

OK, several things probably going on here... first, many people do not give the real reason for the breakup when they do first tell you, because they don't want to deal with the fall out. So he probably saw someone who caught his fancy and decided to pursue her. Very few people have the strength to tell someone, i'm sorry, i see someone else i want to chase now so i'm leaving. that puts them in a bad light, and they KNOW how furious you will be when you find that out, so they use other excuses.

 

And they may feel an overwhelming attraction to the new person, but not know whether it will work out or not, so they keep you on the back burner just in case they decide they like you better and want to come back. of course that is very selfish and immature, but it happens all the time.

 

next, i'm not sure you were 'over' him in only 2 months... you were doing OK because you still had contact with him and in the back of your mind felt you could get back with him eventually. The discovery of this other girlfriend really busts that bubble, so you feel all the emotion you would have felt in the beginning if you'd had all the information then, and really felt it was over.

 

You are 100% right that you need to go into no contact with him and NOT be his security blanket while he dates other girls. It's really hard to be friends with someone you just broke up unless you were both HAPPY with the breakup. Since the relationship is over and he is seeing someone else, he needs to really feel your absence and live with the consequences of his decisions, not have her as his girlfriend and you patiently in the background being his best friend. He gave up that right when he broke up with you.

 

So if he does contact you, i'd tell him you don't want to be his friend, you want to be his girlfriend, and if he's dating others, then you're done. He should only contact you if he's ready to talk about getting back together, otherwise you both need to move on. He may not like it, but he doesn't get to have you just because he wants to, while he runs around with someone else.

[shessofly]

i agree with lavenderdove said. in addition, why was it okay in your mind when he said he just wanted to sleep around? i would be totally offended by that, and that in itself would be enough of a turnoff for me to cut him loose no matter how much it hurt. him being in a relationship is certainly no worse than that. don't get me wrong, i understand the pain of your lost love bonding to someone else emotionally, but the idea of "i'm gonna dump you so i can go out and sleep around and have meaningless sex" doesn't sound like he held your relationship in high regard either. i'd dump that zero and move on to someone who saw my worth.

 

if you search around this forum, you will see that many exes do the exact same thing yours has, keeping in contact, remaining "friends". complete bull. i was in this situation, only i didn't have this forum during that time. it's the same story over and over and over again. i realize my post isn't going to make you stop wanting to be with him, but hopefully you will think that through and come to the realization how horrible it is to dump your so called best friend, the woman you love, so you can go out and screw everything in sight. then he stays in contact with you - YOU KNOW he's out running around and he knows you know, and you are waiting for him? no thanks! you deserve better.

[shessofly]

we all like to think our situation is different than everyone else's - that my ex would NEVER do that, he/she really does love me, they are just confused, and on and on and on. the reality is, both dumpers and dumpee's usually end up exhibiting the same "textbook" behavior.

 

the dumpee tries their hardest to convince, pull, tug, hold on tight. makes excuses for their exes behavior, analyzing every single word they say, etc.

 

the dumper tells lies (or half truths), tries to stay in touch calling you a friend (for some), and continues living their life while stringing the poor dumpee along. happens all the time.

 

my situation was no different than many others. of course there are exceptions but those situations are few and far between.

[miss meh]

The actual way he put it buring the breakup was that he "didn't want any sort of relationship right now, it has nothing to do with how I feel about you or how much I like you". The sleeping around part pretty much came out of me commenting that he was unlikely to remain celibate during such a period, which he admitted was unlikely, wasn't going to happen soon, and swore up down and sideways that an actual relationship with anyone wasn't gonna happen for a very long while (like year+).

 

I realize in hindsight that actually BELEIVING that was incredibly stupid on my end.

 

I certainly haven't spent the post-breakup period waiting around, I recognize that we are over, not an item, etc. At the same time I do recognize that sometimes people want to go through a period of exploration in their lives: so as much as he hurt me and made me feel devalued, there IS a part of me that understands it, especially when the party is young and doesn't have a lot of relationship experience.I never thought he was 'confused' at all, it seemed pretty obvious that he didn't want a relationship with me (at least not at the present time), and have actually taken pretty much everything he's said at face value. In the interim, I've done the exact opposite of hold on tight, and HE has been the one tracking me down constantly and frequenty.I've done my best to stay distant until recently, when he wanted to meet up, prior to which we hadn't even seen each other.

 

What I'm actually incredibly hurt by is that he not only apparently lied to me, but has KEPT lying to me over and over in the intermittetent contact we've had.I had accepted that the breakup happened for the reasons I was TOLD they happened, and that's what has put me back to square one. That someone who cared about me for as long as he did would both use and try to manipulate me in the way that he obviously has been. It's like I accepted the breakup for one reason, and was working through it from that perspective. Now I feel like I have to redo all that work AGAIN.

 

FWIW, When I said that I would love to get back together with this guy, I meant with the person I *thought* he was, and certainly way down the line when he had worked through whatever his issues were. I certaintly don't want to date the person he has become who is capable of lying to the people who are supposedly important to him, and manipulating them. I certainly don't even think that he told the new girl that he went out on a three hour catchup extrvaganza with me this past weekend, precisly for the reasons I outlined above.

 

The healing had happened because I approached it from one direction. Now I've gone to deal with the fact that it's for completely different ones AND the fact that the person I loved, who above else had always been honest with me, is not the person I thought he was.

 

In short, I feel like a fool for ever beleiving him, and now, when I was at the point where our relationship was a pleasant memory, is now reclouded by doubt that I wasn't just being used and manipulated the whole time.