I could really use some advice

[J1535]

Basically something has happened that I never thought would happen again. After four months of being broken up, and almost two weeks NC she contacted me and asked if I wanted to try to work things out.

 

This really confuses me. Just a week or two ago she sent me an email explaining how we are done and there is no hope and she hopes that I can move on soon. And now she hits me with this. Basically there are too many factors to think about with this and I don't know how to make the right decision.

 

I am just thinking about how this decision will effect my emotions and I don't want to make the wrong decision. I've been seeing a new girl lately but I can't decide if I'm really that into her yet. I would much rather try to recover things with the ex. We just have so much history and I would love to give it another chance.

 

The main thing my decision is based on is that she is going away to college in a few months. It's not too far away but I'm afraid when she gets out there she will meet many new people including guys and will regret her decision to get back with me and start wanting to date around again.

 

We had tried to get back together about a month ago and things were going great, but she ended that because she wasn't sure if that's what she really wanted. Now she says she was stupid for doing that and can't pass up the chance to fix things one last time.

 

So now do I risk things not working out again with the ex and possibly miss my chance with the new girl, or do I not take the chance and never know what could come from this. I feel like it could work out between us and we could have something better than ever, but I'm not thinking too straight at the moment which is why I need some advice.

 

Basically I need some outside input on this. I'll give more information if I missed something, just ask.

[UserLain]

It's late and I'm tired but i'll try my best to offer some thoughts (i know what it's like being up at night waiting for answers. most people are asleep at these hours tho so no-one responds)

 

I really think you should keep your guard up with your ex, the fact that she switched gears over the course of a week makes me think she's a pretty dangerous bet. Especially when you have an opportunity for something good to come out of dating this new girl. I also think if your concerned about her ditching again when she gets to college....well if you fear it, i assume it's a valid fear. You know her well after all. It's another red flag.

 

My advice would probably be to not to get back with her, make her wait. if she is really serious it'll show when she's still thinking about you over these next months even when she's in college. To me it seems like you have good reason to need to see a little more proof that she would be dedicated. and you also probably need to grow a little stronger if you aren't already coming from this perspective. and saying no usually doesnt make a girl any less interested, often the opposite. Plus you should use the time to use the opportunity to get to know this other girl (as well as see how serious your ex is)

 

i dont know your history, but that's what i have to offer so far from what i know.

[Weirdmartian]

Yeah, dude. Make her wait.

 

Tell her you've moved on, but you'd enjoy hanging out as friends. This will really mess her up.

 

When she tries to schedule time, make sure you prioritize you own needs first, her LAST.

 

When you've found a time you seriously have nothing better to do (like, you're bored out of your mind), you can schedule lunch or something. At the lunch, let her talk herself into exhaustion. Be laid back, relaxed and happy. Don't mention ANYTHING about your feelings for her, be upbeat, talk about "new friends", etc. You're going to make her jeaulous, but don't be too overt. Don't mention the new girl you're seeing by name, but do drop subtle hints. It'll pique her curiosity.

 

As to my honest opinion, her going to college (not too far away) is the end of the road for you two. There's simply too much bad news associated with that and get real, bro. She'll cheat on you, for CERTAIN.

 

So... let her be your FWB, don't talk about your feelings, continue seeing the other girl and give her a fair chance to show her what she's worth.

 

If your ex is REALLY serious about getting you back, you'll know deep inside, but it'll take 3 months, at least, and I wouldn't make any agreements until she's been at college for at least a couple months and she firmly decides she wants to stick with you.

[J1535]

Thanks guys, I dont have time right now but I will reply later. More advice is very welcome

[J1535]

This is a very hard decision for me. We met today and talked about it. We thought about the different pro's and cons to trying to get back together and the pro's majorly outweighed the cons. But I am still stuck on what to do.

 

I had a feeling that this came about only because she knew I had been seeing a new girl and began to move on but I'm not sure if that's the case. I do feel like she genuinely wants to try to work things out with me and give it one last chance. Even if things don't work out I feel like I would be glad that i gave it one last shot. We are going back to NC for the next two weeks so she can see if she still wants this after that and make sure it's not just a little spell she's going through.

 

As for her leaving, that is one of my main concerns. I've told her that if she got there and felt like she wanted to see guys that she needs to just come out and say it and don't even think about cheating on me.

 

I just need to get more input on this and try to weigh my options more. I really feel like I should give it one last chance. Being happy with her just comes so naturally, ever since the first day I met her it has been so easy to talk and hang out with her. I was never nervous around her and we've had many great times.

 

I'm still not sure how i feel about the new girl but I am going to continue seeing her until my ex is sure she wants to do this and if I decide i want to.

[Justrandom]

Something like this happened similarly between my ex and I. I had started talking to this new girl and she was jealous of the girl and didn't really know what she wanted. So there was a lot of talk and a falling out when the girl I was talking to moved long distance. Pretty much my ex kept me around for a month or a little more until she found someone who she wanted, then I was left in the dust wondering what the hell had just happened.

 

So I guess my advice is keep your guard up and don't just drop everything for your ex. She may (she may not) just want to see if she still has control over you and wants to use you until she finds what shes wants.. Keep my past experiences in your mind because it set me back so so so so far after the falling out.

[UserLain]

I honestly think that if she's worth one last chance she could wait more than two weeks to know what she wants to do. If your concerned she won't stay its because you have good reason to be. I think your using your heart too much and not your head. Does your GUT tell you you'd be making the right decision? How do you feel about yourself when u consider making this choice?

[UserLain]

Do you know why she's had this change of heart? If she can give you a good straight up reason besides "I missed you" then maybe its not about the other girl. But id be realll careful with this one.

[J1535]

Something like this happened similarly between my ex and I...

 

Well she said she had been thinking this before she knew I was seeing another girl. She just found out recently. I am definitely not going to drop everything for her. I am thinking about myself right now and what is best for me. I will keep your story in mind though thanks.

 

I honestly think that if she's worth one last chance she could wait more than two weeks to know what she wants to do. If your concerned she won't stay its because you have good reason to be. I think your using your heart too much and not your head. Does your GUT tell you you'd be making the right decision? How do you feel about yourself when u consider making this choice?

 

I think my gut is telling me to do this. I don't really want to pass up this opportunity, if i do I'll never know what could have happened. This is a very hard choice to make for me but I think that I'm set on wanting to try one more time with her

[J1535]

Do you know why she's had this change of heart? If she can give you a good straight up reason besides "I missed you" then maybe its not about the other girl. But id be realll careful with this one.

 

She said she has just been thinking if she made the right choice when breaking up with me. She still has feeling for me and wants to give it another try because she thinks it could work. I've made sure that she didn't do it just because she misses me. And she said she had been thinking this before she knew of the other girl

[UserLain]

seems fair enough, good luck

[J1535]

We'll see what happens, thanks a lot for the help

[DN]

What are you going to do about the new girl?

[J1535]

What are you going to do about the new girl?

 

Well I had been considering breaking things off with her anyways. We are not a couple yet, just been on a few dates and have been hanging out. It was fun dating someone new at first and she's a great girl, but I just don't think I feel a connection. I would probably end things with her whether my ex comes back or not.

[No1]

Okay, say a friend of yours that you cared about told you that same story. How he went out with this girl, she broke his heart, then they got back together only to break his heart again, then she wants back? What would you tell him? I am sure you would tell him, oh heck no, she will only hurt you again. She is using you to make herself feel good. Its not YOU she wants its the feeling of being cared for and attractive. She is lonely and she knows you will fill in that void. Make her work for it. And Im not talking about days or weeks, Im talking about months of proving it to you. If she feels you are the man of her future then have her work hard for you. MONTHS..

But If I was that friend, I would say avoid her. She is using you and once the void is filled you will be tossed out again.

[J1535]

You're right, I would probably think my friend was crazy. But I can't help but to take this chance. If I don't i will never know what could happen. Even if we do get back together just to find out that it won't work out, I think I will feel better knowing that we at least gave it one last shot.

 

She's definitely not lonely, she told me she has been having a lot of fun, she even had a new boyfriend for a little while. I just feel like we deserve one last chance

[coolchick64]

Based on recent events in my life, I have to say you should be very cautious about her. If she's already bailed on you twice, the least we can say is that she's having trouble sorting out her feelings. Once bitten, twice shy. Twice bitten, kill that dog!

[tg31]

Listen and listen well. You're convincing yourself to give it another shot because of the feelings you have for her. If you want her back, don't do what so many people on ENA do, including myself.....don't get back together with her right now. Of course she's saying she's doing fine and had been dating for a while, she would say that whether or not it was the complete truth. I don't want to say you're not gonna take my advice, but typically someone in your position wouldn't because your judgement is cloudy and quite frankly you're a bit confused...and that's not a knock on you at all. But.....if you want this girl back FOR REAL AND FOR GOOD, don't take her back right now. It does suck that this almost comes down to a game, but it's more than just that, it's human nature. There are no guarantees in life, but I would bet my paycheck that if you keep yourself in NIC, you tell her that your not serious with the other girl but you're not gonna stop seeing this new girl on a whim, and the whole time you just work as hard as you can to be cool and confident in every conversation with the ex, not arrogant, not belittling, but letting her know, and every else know, that your happiness and who you are as a person is validated through YOU, I would be doubling my money in the future. It's not gonna happen today or next week or maybe not even next month, but I would be getting some extra cash on this one. And the whole thing about you being worried about her moving on, or meeting other guys, or whatever other excuse your giving yourself(and I know that's hard to deal with, but that's what you are doing....making excuses to be back with her) all those things will not matter. By you proving to yourself that your fine with or without her, you're gonna find yourself in a position you didn't ever think you would be in at the beginning of this whole debacle. Take it or not, but my advice would be make her understand that your the baddest out there! And not because you need to act hard around her or that you don't care but you're the baddest out there because no one person validates you except for you! Read that over again and I'll be looking for my extra cash in no time!

[J1535]

Listen and listen well...

 

Thanks for the advice! It's funny, I was just reading an older post of mine where you said that if I removed myself for a month I might be surprised as to what happens, and it seems you were absolutely right or else i wouldn't be in the situation im in now.

 

I really like your advice and I am going to take it. I agree, i can't jump right into this. I've been NIC and I will stick with it. I am taking this slow.

 

I hope you are right, I wouldn't want you to lose that paycheck!

[MnSnR]

I second this.

[UserLain]

I pretty much third it. I have to ask tho, what's NIC? I know NC but not NIC

[Hope1]

If you haven't figured out your decision out yet... I would like to say... that UserLain was right... If I were her, I would chase after different guys all the time... just wait for the time when you think you can give a good decision... it's what ever makes YOU happiest, that your decision should be based on.

[J1535]

I pretty much third it. I have to ask tho, what's NIC? I know NC but not NIC

 

I assume it means 'no initiation contact'. at least that's what I'm doing. I'm letting her come to me. I still do not contact her unless she does it first.

[J1535]

If you haven't figured out your decision out yet... I would like to say... that UserLain was right... If I were her, I would chase after different guys all the time... just wait for the time when you think you can give a good decision... it's what ever makes YOU happiest, that your decision should be based on.

 

Well I have decided that this is what I want to do. I've put a lot of thought into this and i have been thinking about myself. my feelings are what matters most right now

[J1535]

Well, It's been about two weeks or so and we've been hanging out and things have been going great, but as of right now her decision is that she does not want to try to work things out. I figured it would be that, she has been going back and forth on her decision this whole time so i didn't get my hopes up.

 

I was confident that it would work but I guess it is for the best. We have a lot of fun together but she just can't get into it and stay happy. I guess i'm back to NC..