Ex seems to deny my existance - msging his ex & deceiving her

[heartbroken]

Hi Everyone,

 

I posted on here just over a week ago, regarding my now ex boyfriend breaking up with me. i've been soooooooo devastated.

it seemed out of the blue. he says he thinks he's bi polar. he built up normal relationship discussions as major fights in his mind. and ended something that i thought was absolutely amazing.

 

one of the main things i'll mention is that during our 3 months together (we are both travelers in a foreign country), he had spoken about his ex. told me stories about how she was always mad at him. he stayed with her way longer than he should have. and he was never truly in love with her. that yes, he has been in love (with someone many years ago), so he knows how it feels, and he was never in love with her. he had to walk on eggshells around her. watch what he did and said. coudln't hang out with friends. etc. and how he loves how he can be 100% himself with me.

he was also the one in our relationship to want to be exclusive, to talk about traveling together, to say he's falling in love with me.

we weren't just an overseas fling. he talked about how we don't need to worry about when our visas are up, bcuz he can always get a visa for my country.

 

i have now found out that he has msged his ex quite a bit (after breaking up with me - just over a week ago), apologizing for acting the way he did with her. he had the best time with her. and that there's no excuse for the lack of contact. he was just trying to get his photography career in place here, and get settled. that he could see how much he was hurting her, and they broke up. he never stopped loving her, and he thinks he still does. etc etc.

 

she obv has no idea that he started having a very serious relationship (with ME) only a few days after they officially broke up. she knows NOTHING about me. and he's obv not going to tell her.

 

i cannot believe he's doing this.

and it really makes me want to tell her. she's believing his BS.

i do not know this girl, obv. she is back in his home country as well.

 

should i wash my hands clean of this situation - the truth will come out on it's own ?

 

or should i be thinking "he CANNOT get away with doing this". and do something about it.

if i do, i'd rather not have anyone know that it's me supplying the information to her (even her), bcuz he could just chalk it up to i'm some crazy girl who he had nothing to do with.

 

i now know why he deleted me from facebook. so i couldn't add pics of him and i, and he could keep his charade going.

 

i'm so hurt, angry, confused. everything.

 

any suggestions on why he's done this, and what i should do ???

 

if you want more back story on this, you can search my previous post "going through a very hard breakup, any support would be amazing"

it will explain the past three months in more detail.

[Weirdmartian]

Well... he screwed you over big-time.

 

I'd go ahead and contact his ex. Teach the SOB his lesson.

[I_Speak_Jive]

 

any suggestions on what i should do ???

 

 

Stop reading his emails behind his back. They are not yours.

 

Let me repeat this again: they are not yours.

 

You have no right. Let me repeat this again: you have no right.

 

Your pain does not entitle you to do whatever you feel like doing. Let me repeat this again: your pain does not entitle you to do whatever you feel like doing.

 

His relationship with his ex belongs to him and his ex. It has nothing to do with you. It is not about you.

 

He broke up with you. It is over. He no longer wants to be with you, and that means that your former relationship with him is no more. You now need to move on, be good to yourself and keep your dignity intact.

 

That means letting him be.

[Capricorn3]

Stop reading his emails behind his back. They are not yours.

 

Let me repeat this again: they are not yours.

 

You have no right. Let me repeat this again: you have no right.

 

Your pain does not entitle you to do whatever you feel like doing. Let me repeat this again: your pain does not entitle you to do whatever you feel like doing.

 

His relationship with his ex belongs to him and his ex. It has nothing to do with you. It is not about you.

 

He broke up with you. It is over. He no longer wants to be with you, and that means that your former relationship with him is no more. You now need to move on, be good to yourself and keep your dignity intact.

 

That means letting him be.

AMEN to that!

 

OP: He's an EX. It is over, in the past. He owes you nothing. Time to move on. Also, please READ the above post many times. It covers it all pretty well.

[squirl]

Sorry, but I do not see where OP says that she is reading his emails behind his back?

[I_Speak_Jive]

Sorry, but I do not see where OP says that she is reading his emails behind his back?

 

Well,

 

i have now found out that he has msged his ex quite a bit (after breaking up with me - just over a week ago), apologizing for acting the way he did with her. he had the best time with her. and that there's no excuse for the lack of contact. he was just trying to get his photography career in place here, and get settled. that he could see how much he was hurting her, and they broke up. he never stopped loving her, and he thinks he still does. etc etc.

 

she obv has no idea that he started having a very serious relationship (with ME) only a few days after they officially broke up. she knows NOTHING about me. and he's obv not going to tell her.

 

 

Either that or she has telepathy. She is aware of their conversations in excruciating detail.

[hexaemeron]

Stop reading his emails behind his back. They are not yours.

 

Let me repeat this again: they are not yours.

 

You have no right. Let me repeat this again: you have no right.

 

Your pain does not entitle you to do whatever you feel like doing. Let me repeat this again: your pain does not entitle you to do whatever you feel like doing.

 

His relationship with his ex belongs to him and his ex. It has nothing to do with you. It is not about you.

 

He broke up with you. It is over. He no longer wants to be with you, and that means that your former relationship with him is no more. You now need to move on, be good to yourself and keep your dignity intact.

 

That means letting him be.

 

This. 1000 times this. Inhale. Hold. Exhale. Move on.

[squirl]

Well,

 

 

 

 

Either that or she has telepathy. She is aware of their conversations in excruciating detail.

 

And if so, how would she have access to his email? If so, I assume it is because he chose to enter her life.

 

I think it is up to her whether to tell or not. If it eases her pain and what she has to say is true, why do you say she has no right?

[squirl]

 

His relationship with his ex belongs to him and his ex. It has nothing to do with you. It is not about you.

 

 

It is about her to the extent she is in pain. She sees his manipulating his ex as providing the easy exit that enables his sudden discarding of her and his cruel treatment of her.

 

I say she should think about the risks of embarrassing herself, possibly getting a reputation as a psycho, stalky ex-girlfriend. But I do not see it as so cut and dry that she needs to go along with his effacement of her very existence when he has basically left her by the side of the road for dead.

[I_Speak_Jive]

It is about her to the extent she is in pain. She sees his manipulating his ex as providing the easy exit that enables his sudden discarding of her and his cruel treatment of her.

 

I say she should think about the risks of embarrassing herself, possibly getting a reputation as a psycho, stalky ex-girlfriend. But I do not see it as so cut and dry that she needs to go along with his effacement of her very existence when he has basically left her by the side of the road for dead.

 

Once someone breaks up with someone else, that's it. The game is over. There are no responsibilities that are carried out over the breakup line. The OP is an adult woman who is in no way dependent on her ex for anything: sustenance, validation, emotional stability, etc. Whatever he ex chooses to do with his life is now entirely his right, whether she likes it or not, and she gets absolutely zero say in it.

 

Anyone who thinks they have any sort of entitlement over their ex-partners simply because their heart has a bo-bo is seriously overstepping personal boundaries, needs to re-think his/her attitude, and is in major risk of making a complete arse of him/herself. This is how restraining orders are born.

 

It's not that she gets to choose whether to go along with it or not. It's that she has absolutely no other choice.

 

Let's all just at least try to grow up and take responsibility for ourselves, our happiness and our behaviour. Let's all at least try to act like adults and understand once and for all that pain happens and it does't kill you. That breakups are a fact of life, and that we aren't the only ones to ever go through them, get screwed by someone, or feel unfairly treated.

[greywolf]

And if so, how would she have access to his email? If so, I assume it is because he chose to enter her life.

 

I think it is up to her whether to tell or not. If it eases her pain and what she has to say is true, why do you say she has no right?

 

I gave my ex the password to my email address once, just because I needed her to check an email for me while I was away from the computer, and I never bothered to change my password. I trusted her not to check my emails while we were together, and I trust her not to turn psycho on me and check my emails since we've broken up.

[Capricorn3]

should i wash my hands clean of this situation - the truth will come out on it's own ?.

YES, you should leave it be and not interfere. You were only "together" for three months - hardly enough time to really be an "item", and therefore hardly gives you the right to contact this other woman (imo). Basically, it comes down to mind your own business. Karma has a way of getting back at you (and him), so in the end his time will come.

 

You're an adult. Be the bigger person and walk away from it. There's no reason to sling mud around. It just makes you look bad. Let it go already.

[squirl]

I gave my ex the password to my email address once, just because I needed her to check an email for me while I was away from the computer, and I never bothered to change my password. I trusted her not to check my emails while we were together, and I trust her not to turn psycho on me and check my emails since we've broken up.

 

If you've given her the password and not bothered to change it, then there is nothing illegal about it.

 

Foolish? Yes.

Self-Destructive? Yes.

Embarrasing? Yes.

Unhealthy? Yes.

Unethical? Probably

 

But if the password was given consensually, then this is one on which reasonable moral minds can disagree.

 

I have no more right to tell her she MUST tell whoever she wants what she knows, than another person has the right to tell her she CANNOT.

 

She is an adult, and can live with the consequences.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I suspect the ex has already dealt with his wishy washy behaviour and his tendency to lie and blame others and try to cover his tracks that she knows what she would be getting into if she gets back together with him. I would not say anything to her and just be grateful that you only wasted 3 months of your life on this snake in the grass.

[squirl]

I suspect the ex has already dealt with his wishy washy behaviour and his tendency to lie and blame others and try to cover his tracks that she knows what she would be getting into if she gets back together with him. I would not say anything to her and just be grateful that you only wasted 3 months of your life on this snake in the grass.

 

That is possible.

 

Strange as it may be, I actually know of a situation where this turned out well. My friend's sister was dating a guy long distance for over a year. She and the guy were quite serious. Somehow she discovered he was living with or dating a woman in his home city, she called the other woman, and they matched up their calendars and discovered he had been two-timing them both for over a year.

 

They kicked his ass to the curb together and actually became friends.

[greywolf]

If you've given her the password and not bothered to change it, then there is nothing illegal about it.

 

Foolish? Yes.

Self-Destructive? Yes.

Embarrasing? Yes.

Unhealthy? Yes.

Unethical? Probably

 

But if the password was given consensually, then this is one on which reasonable moral minds can disagree.

 

I have no more right to tell her she MUST tell whoever she wants what she knows, than another person has the right to tell her she CANNOT.

 

She is an adult, and can live with the consequences.

 

Of course it's not illegal, but it's definitely not the behavior of a healthy, well-balanced individual which I believe my ex to be.

[squirl]

Of course it's not illegal, but it's definitely not the behavior of a healthy, well-balanced individual which I believe my ex to be.

 

No doubt. I'm sure your treatment of her was also much better than the OP's treatment by her ex.

[DN]

No, you should not tell his ex anything. Basically, because it isn't your business to do so.

[heartbroken]

Hi everyone,

 

I just want to say thank you for all the responses that have been posted.

 

I should clarify,

as we are travelers, living in hostels, we have come to know the same people - we were inseparable for 3 months, and have known eachother for 6 months. I do not have access to his personal details. the hostel world is actually quite a small world, without even knowing it.

I do have friends who have found this information out on their own, and have told me without even knowing that we have broken up, or because i asked, and said, 'yes, i do want to know the truth'.

i don't know exact words that have been said. but i know enough. if i want physical proof, people are able to provide me with this. but, for me, it is too soon. i am still heart broken over everything that has happened. but i cannot just disregard what has been told to me, by quite a few ppl. ppl who know we're not together and ppl who don't. their stories seem to match up.

 

three months, or three years. i can vouch that the number does not mean anything. its the feelings and love that has been put into it.

 

i know what he has done to me is horrible. and what he is doing to his ex is horrible. i know how it feels to be betrayed by him. and i guess, even though i know she didn't treat him well, i don't think anyone deserves to feel the way i feel. and that's what has put the thought in my head of "how can he get away with this".

 

if its best for me to sit by and just accept his betrayal and blatant disregard for people who genuinely care for him. i will. i will try my hardest to move on, and hope that what goes around, comes around.

 

but if i should actually, somehow, directly, or indirectly let his true colours show...then i would think about doing so.

 

i guess i put myself in her shoes, and man, i would like someone to let ME know.

but that's just me.

 

anyway,

 

sorry for the ramble. just trying to touch on all the points that have been said.

 

thanks !

[lavenderdove]

Honey, i'm sorry, but 3 months isn't a long relationship, more of a fling. It sounds like he wasn't over his ex yet when he took up with you, then probably decided he wanted to get back with her, but didn't want to tell you that so it just fizzled out.

 

What happens between them is between them, and not you, not your concern. You just have to accept that he now wants to be with her and not you, and let him go. That is hard, but it really sounds like he wants to be with her and not you, so you have to let go.

 

Just quit reading his facebook and work on healing and finding someone new for yourself.

[lavenderdove]

btw, i know this is upsetting, but just because someone dates you, doesn't mean they have to stay together forever. You never married, and it went on only 3 months. You have to work on recognizing that you shouldn't jump in so deeply with someone you hardly no. You don't really know someone til you've been with them for a couple years and seen them in all circumstances. Yes, he disappointed you, but that doesn't make him evil.

 

Also keep in mind you're hearing this thru third parties, so you have no clue what he is actually saying to her or anybody else. So they well could have talked about you and you just don't know that.

 

In future, try to date casually for a while before you take it too seriously. No matter how much time you spend together in the beginning, it takes a long time to get to the point where you really know the person, and to expect them to be with you forever. At three months, your expectations were too high there.

[Carus]

....quit reading his facebook and work on healing and finding someone new for yourself.

This is gospel*

 

I, like many others, was guilty of checking FB every now and then and well, you may as well stick a fork in your eye....It would be less painful....

 

K2*

[heartbroken]

yeah. it's true. what he does in his life right now, should not concern me.

i guess it doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt

i will let ppl know that i do NOT want to know anything about what he's up to.

 

i guess it's just killing me inside that he was obviously not honest with me when we were together. when we promised each other we would be. 110%.

he just seems so confused i guess. doesn't know what he wants in life. and especially since he thinks he suffers from depression/is bi polar, it's probably best for me to not be with someone like that. he needs to sort whatever issues he has out.

 

i know we had something when we were together. i could feel and see how much he was into me. he'd even tell his sister, parents, best friend how much he was falling for me.

so, a complete 180 has totally thrown me off.

[squirl]

Good thinking. It is painful and confusing, but in the long run you are better off.

 

Unfortunately, there are some foolish people who will lie to get what they think they want.