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Haunted, yet curious by the past

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There is something I’m curious on how other people deal with the same/similar problem.


I have a tendency to think about the past when I have too much free time and start trying to find memories of those times, I suppose a part of me wants to confront all the things that happened fully instead of what I initially did during the time (suppressed a lot of it).


Most of me feels like I need to let the past go and move on with my life, to concentrate on all the wonderful things life has brought me now… I’m in a good place, making good grades in college, love the man I’m with (we already consider each other engaged to a point, he just wants to ask properly), and basically, things are wonderful!


When I think about it (the past), I start to wonder why am I thinking about these horrible times when the present is so much more enjoyable? And then I realize I guess I feel like it was incomplete and I never settled what happened rightly… I lost everything 2 years ago- everything I owned was stolen by the man I loved at the time, even miscarried and went through hell from him and his family. That’s a summary of the past I can’t seem to get out of my mind, and I wonder if I’m just afraid that my current love with turn on me like that...But I know it isn't in his nature, he avoids fights as if they're the plague and will tell me whatever I want to know, I know in his heart that he loves me truly, so I'm not concerned about it...but there still seems to be some underlying fear that it may repeat (I suppose because the past seems to repeat through most my life, I guess I'm afraid of a good thing...)


I don’t know. I feel like I hold too much weight on the past and am trying to find out why I’m so curious about it. Why can’t my mind leave it all to rest and forget that it occurred? I understand that it was a traumatic time in my life, and that it was engraved because of the impact it had on me, but I still wish there was a way to help me move on from “rethinking” about these things.


Has anyone else not been able to forget about the past, even when the present is wonderful? And if so, were you able to overcome it, and how if so?


I guess I'd just like to see if there's also anyone else who finds themselves in a similar predicament.

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Yours is an interesting post. There is a psychological process called 'reframing' I think where you look at your past or certain past events in new ways and from new more objective or healthier/positive perspectives. Of course we can do this unconsciously but we can also do it consciously in various ways.


It sounds to me that you still have issues about past events to work on - inner work I mean. Time to some extent probably heals sometimes. But conscious attention to these issues in a helpful way would probably be beneficial. It's probably less 'the past' itself that is an issue for you now but how the past reflects your fears about life, your beliefs about yourself and your beliefs about life, etc. now. Unconsciously you have questions about life and yourself (like everyone does) and they exist there in you and bubble along and memories resonate with these and bring them forth in your mind. A psychologist at a course I went to a while ago called these beliefs 'core beliefs'. We can alter unhelpful core beliefs by examining them and changing them. As well as addressing 'core beliefs' (the basic foundational beliefs about ourselves, our worth, about life and the universe, etc) we can also examine and change less fundamental beliefs that stem from the core beliefs. More specific beliefs i mean. For example, your current love might do the same. The likes of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) would encourage you to ask yourself how rational and reasonable that fear or belief is. Based on examining your belief and challenging how balanced and rational your thinking is their you would consciously change it to a more rational and balanced belief - you might even write down this more healthy belief. sometimes changing the surface beliefs like this is all you need to do. Other times you have to deal with the 'core beliefs' and change them. A core belief for you might be that 'It's not unlikely any parter I have will hurt me in the same extreme way my past partner did.'. A more core version of this belief might be 'it's not unlikely loved ones will hurt me devistantingly'. This is one core belief invovled but there will be others. You need to examine this core belief objectively. Statistically speaking, what is the likelihood this will happen to you again? No doubt, much less than your current belief supposes. So think about why this is so - because of statistics, because of the differences in your new partner, because you are now a wiser person and can identify signs better and have learnt how to handle such problems better and you are a more empowered person here - and so on. Then you create a new belief. For example, "The chances of a loved one hurting me in a devistating way again is very unlikely because...and reasons"


As you alter your beliefs, perception of the past and the memories that come to mind will alter too because your beliefs will be resonating different meanings and thoughts.

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