my wife is suicidal

[f1r3f1y3]

Hi,

 

my wife and I have been through a rough year with each other. She had 2 emotional affairs and we have just generally been a rubbish couple. We've fought through that bit to some extent, changed some things in our lives and we've calmed down with each other. We now don't argue and we have sex regularly.

 

Now though she has become depressed. She started anti-depressents 4 weeks ago but keeps telling me she feels suicidal.

 

I'm not great with sympathy and I don't understand how someone can be depressed in the life she has (we have nice cars, nice house, close family around us).

 

I don't know how to deal with this, I don't know what I should be saying to her. I want to tell her "tough, you can't kill yourself because you have a son that loves you and needs you" but I think the tough love will make it worse.

 

In the past year she has put me through so much, am I now expected to forget all that and spend the next x years helping her through this? When does my happiness begin? If that is selfish please tell me because I don't know.

 

Really I just want to know how to deal with her in this state right now. I don't even know what to say to her. She is a shell of a person. She says she doesn't know why she is depressed, she just seems to hate herself.

[Seraphim]

This could be a bad reaction to her medication. She needs to see a dr. You know depression can be a chemical imbalance and nothing to do with situation.

[f1r3f1y3]

She has been on the anti-depressents for 4 weeks, she has a review appointment with the doctor in 2 more weeks.

 

She hasn't become worse or better since she started taking them, she just has the other side effects to deal with on top of it all like not being able to sleep.

[Seraphim]

If someone has suicidal thoughts they NEED medical care, that is really the bottom line. Medication is not working, they need to try a different one, different combination, she needs it in combination with other therapy, ie someone she can trust to work out her issues with like a counselor.

[avman]

Depression has little to do with the stuff you've got. It's all about how you feel about yourself. Someone can be surrounded with material wealth and yet be miserable very easily.

 

If she started anti-depressants 4 weeks ago that takes a little while to take effect. It may be a few months before she starts noticing any difference. In fact, just as they start to work she's at an even higher risk for suicide. That is because it can lift her mood just enough to make her capable of going through it.

 

You should maybe consider some joint counseling together with your wife to help you understand more about her situation. Only then can you really make a decision on whether you are willing to stand by her or whether you cannot.

[iBroken]

The guilt of the affairs are probably eating away at her..... combined with the meds.

 

I was never a suicidal person, but since I started taking AD's, I have had more suicidal thoughts then ever in my life....I would never act out on them, but I am aware that they are there.

 

She needs to tell her Dr about this side effect.

[Jeen]

Why do people get depression?

There is no single cause of depression. Depression happens because of a combination of things including:

 

Genes - some types of depression tend to run in families. Genes are the "blueprints" for who we are, and we inherit them from our parents. Scientists are looking for the specific genes that may be involved in depression.

 

Brain chemistry and structure - when chemicals in the brain are not at the right levels, depression can occur. These chemicals, called neurotransmitters, help cells in the brain communicate with each other. By looking at pictures of the brain, scientists can also see that the structure of the brain in people who have depression looks different than in people who do not have depression. Scientists are working to figure out why these differences occur.

 

Environmental and psychological factors - trauma, loss of a loved one, a difficult relationship, and other stressors can trigger depression. Scientists are working to figure out why depression occurs in some people but not in others with the same or similar experiences. They are also studying why some people recover quickly from depression and others do not.

 

 

link removed

[f1r3f1y3]

Thanks for the replies so far.

 

We went to marriage counselling once (literally) and she hated it. We ended up working through our issues by ourselves.

 

She is not currently in therapy, I will suggest she arranges this straight away.

[coolgirl]

I remember when I had depression any medication i took was not helping me. I tried different sort of medication from Abilify to Effexor to 2 other. And my DR told me its going to take a while for them to kick in but made it worst and some of the meds does have bad side effects and thats why i think your wife feels more sucidal. i remember i was on one medication I mean what these pills made me do. I became more sucidal. Her best bet is to make an appointment with her DR and have the Dr to change her medication as soon as possible. how many dosage is she taking? Its going to take a while until your wife see a difference but she has to be on top of her medication if she wants to see results.

 

Also, your wife needs to state that what's going on and what kind of side affects she's having with the meds. If you can go with her to her Dr. I know its tough. believe me my ex husband had a hard time putting up with me as well. I'm sure of it that you two will get through it but using my 2 sense dont leave her alone in this during her tough times. Hope everything works out well and keep us updated.

[shes2smart]

She is not currently in therapy, I will suggest she arranges this straight away.

 

The best treatment for depression is a combination of meds and therapy. If she's getting one without the other, she's making it more difficult on herself.

 

I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum -- willingly went to therapy but was very opposed to meds.

 

Then I had a really bad episode of depression about, oh, 7 years ago. Grudgingly took the meds (with an agreement with my doc that I was not staying on them permanently....I had to agree to stay on them for a minimum of 6 months or he wasn't going to bother.) Long story short, I can tell you from first hand experience that a combination of meds & therapy is the way to go. One without the other only addresses a portion of the problem.

[DN]

If you could wave a magic wand and get what you wanted (with no conscience or peer/family pressure to influence you) - what would you wish for?

[f1r3f1y3]

I'd want my wife to be happy, there's nothing else I want or need.

 

Do you have a wand I can borrow

[DN]

OK. So that isn't at all selfish. What both of you need to do is to work toward achieving that. S2S is very right about a combination of meds and therapy being exponentially more effective that one or the other alone. So try to persuade her to do that.

 

As for yourself, be as supportive and understanding as you can while making sure you exercise self care. That means looking after your needs as well as hers by eating properly, exercising, taking time for yourself and what interests or hobbies you have. A good idea is to keep a private journal where you can vent your thoughts and feelings, your hopes and ambitions and your fears and frustrations.

[f1r3f1y3]

Thanks DN. I sort of changed my life a bit when she started becoming unsure about our relationship some months back, and I have maintained that; gym, diet, friends, activities, a lot of things.

 

Will try to get her to go to therapy

[In the Dark]

What avman said is correct.

Even if someone is given everything on a silver platter, they can still be very much unhappy.

 

Having everything and being treated by their partner perfectly is good.

 

But if they do not want to be with that partner.....just because....and has had a taste of what else is out there.

They can become depressed, because deep down they want to know what it's like on the other side.

 

Doesn't matter how well a partner treats them, they can still not be happy if they all of a sudden just want to try on a new pair of pants because they are tired of the same mundane life.

 

They want to do something different, maybe even dangerous and dysfunctional.