Am I a dog, or just human?

[redsynger]

So, where do I start? I'm starting to have commitment issues with my current girlfriend similar to the kind I had with my last. It's not fear of commitment so much as fear of committing to the wrong person.

 

We've been dating officially for roughly 1 year, 4 months. I've never cheated on her and I don't believe she has on me neither.

 

Unfortunately I've had doubt in our relationship from before it was official. I've just about ended it twice already. I'm not sure if I should cut our losses or continue with this uncertainty in my mind. My heart gets sore thinking of both options.

 

I love her still and know she already has dreams of our mutual future. Whilst it is a nice dream, I feel miserable most days and things she does drive me nuts more often than not.

 

Additionally my eyes have wandered, which I know is wrong. Yet I feel as though I could do better and am just settling for her because she is here now. I don't believe this is how I should feel if she is indeed "the one". Below I have compiled a list of pros and cons I could think about her. Sadly the cons are more numerous.

 

Pros:

-Still love her

-Fiscally reposible

-Good with kids as far as I can tell

 

Cons:

-Always down on herself

-Not a dog person (I am)

-Body has gone to pot at by age 27 (arthritic joints, bad knees, bad ankles)

-Suffers anxiety to the point of requiring medication

-Probably has fertility problems

-Extremely nosy (constantly riflling through my laptop to make sure I'm not untrue)

 

Common Ground:

-Overweight/obese (although I am getting close to out of this category)

-Somewhat easily annoyed (although I think she is worse than I)

-Want children

 

So, with all that in mind, what should I do? Cling to uncertainty or break her heart?

 

Any advice is welcome,

 

Jeff

[hexaemeron]

You sound entirely meh about this relationship. Look at what you wrote. You didn't write about anything you enjoy or respect or adore about her. It sounds very clinical and detatched.

 

I don't think you're in it to win it, as they say.

[pumpkinmoon]

I have to agree. You don't really seem to have much to say about this relationship although I do think listing her ailments as cons is a bit harsh. My bf has a knee condition and has had operations on it. The doctors told him that one day he could be in a wheelchair but this doesn't put me off. I would be happy to push him around. That's how it should be. You say probable fertility problems too, what does this mean?

[redsynger]

I wouldn't say the relationship is clinical. I didn't encompass the snuggling we do on the couch. I do little things for her whenever possible like driving her to work or buying her gifts.

 

And I mention her ailments because they're really holding her back from a full life. She complains everyday about it and she cannot do the things she wants, let alone what activities I would find enjoyable to do. Even a walk around our neighborhood has become a cumbersome chore for her.

 

Fertility is brought up because she doesn't ovulate. Both of us want kids some year, but I fear it wouldn't happen with her. I know there's the option of adoption, but that's out of my income bracket.

[d24]

yup, you need to end this referencing the 2 points above.

you just dont seem invested.

[pumpkinmoon]

In that case it all comes down really to how you feel about her as a person. I don't really think you can come to a conclusion by listing weeding out the pros and cons. As there are no serious problems like cheating or abuse, you decision has to be based on emotions really and the fact that you are questioning it to this degree isn't a good sign. Thinking about the future with her shouldn't make you miserable.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I wonder how many of her physical health issues are related to her depression and poor self esteem. At any rate, from what you have written regarding your feelings, it would not be a good idea to get married to her..clearly you are not head over heels crazy about her.

[redsynger]

Well, I guess what you are all talking about I know deep down to be true. No, I'm not head over heels for her. I do love her nonetheless. Maybe it's more along the lines of the love between friends. This is not sufficient for romantic partners.

 

I just wish I had ended it when I first tried. Instead I was sucked back in by her tears. Twice so. I don't mean to sound callous, but now it will be harder on both of us, but especially her.

 

Contrary to stated thought, there was investment into this relationship. If I didn't think I could turn around my feelings I wouldn't have continued to keep trying. A fools errand now I see. Time and treasure lost. Treasure of the monetary, & treasure of the heart.

 

I know what I must do, but still it will not be easy. As a current popular song goes, when a heart breaks well it don't break even.

[geekgirl4]

Look at your list of pros, they read off like some resume. If there was any indication that this relationship could be saved, something like funny or kind hearted should have made it on the list. Instead, you list fiscally responsible and good with kids. There is nothing about her personality and qualities on it. Instead, aspects of her personality show up on the con list. I think you need to end this.

[SirLaughalot]

Love is accepting. I know that sounds cliche, but it is. I think we often get love confused with attachment.

 

It seems like making checklists to decide whether someone is right for you already says that you are trying to find reasons to stay in the relationship.

 

Another thing: uncertainty, which you have mentioned a few times. It's real simple and it goes something like this: life is uncertain. It comes with the territory of popping out when you are born. Any of us may die tomorrow. Maybe someone we care about will too.

 

So being that life is uncertain, so are relationships. But once we can accept that life is uncertain, we can appreciate what we have, and also see things more clearly. Thinking that we have to have someone to meet all our expectations and checklists is delusional, because we will never find that person to do so.

[refa]

i have to agree here.

 

you really seem like someone being rational about something taht has to do with the heart; at least has to do with how you feel more than what you think. you can't analyze and dissect a relationship, you are either in or out.

 

i think you should take a break from this to get a clear knowledge on how you feel about her and realize the true things that bring you together.