I just want a window seat

[Lovingme09]

I never felt so lonely and unmentioned from the world. Fleeing from my pain only grabs my heart and place it back to where i once was. Heartbroken and tore into pieces. Recently i took a chance on a man. We went NC for 3 months and we both broke it by lighting a conversation where everything went well. Talked about our summer plans, past memories, and future goals. We agreed to stay in contact, but i forgot that i deleted his number and the next time i see him, i was to ask for it.

Mistake!

When i went up to him, he coldly rejected me saying that he didnt have my number and didnt want it.

I felt like someone open my heart and unplugged my lifeline. I was in complete shock because it was only two days ago things seem to look up for me.

In addition, a week before he called me from a random number and when i called back he told me it was "an accident"

which he later cleared up was a "drunken call"

My persepctive on those types of calls are always the "your on my mind even though i havent talked to you in forever" calls. Thats another reason i was so confident in his return.

I later asked a mutual friends of ours if he can find whats wrong. He told me that he feel that he could never be with me because of all of the things people say that i did. Negative rumors and how some kind of close to him use to date me. (which is true)

we did date but it was long ago and i told him about my past. The other things are lies and i feel i dont deserve consequences of actions that i never did.

Now im sitting here praying for a miracle, and the funny thing about it is that i cant break NC if i wanted to. I dont have his number, and although i see him frequently around campus, i dont want to talk to him for fear of more rejection and embarrassment.

I feel so silly and he knows that i still care about him deeply. We were never in a relationship but almost were. I was not given the opportunity because he judged me harshly of my past and got drawn into what people said about me. They say the truth will come to surface, yet, i feel these truths will be hidden forever. He will never realize the woman in me and the potential relationship that stood so close to us. To my heart. It meant so much and its even harder at times like this where i feel lonely and frustrated. I know i am a beautiful girl with all of the potential in the world to find someone great, so words of encouragement, i already know...

But no matter who i am facing, in the corner of my eye im looking for him.

 

It hurts and i am so happy that i am leaving for home in three weeks. Summer is soon approaching and the breeze of stress free life is welcomed. I do want him to reach out, but now i feel that he is totally into himself and my past actions (breaking NC) and our mutual friend has stroked his ego. Before he was such a timid a shy guy, nicer than many. but now he is someone i cant recognize. In a way, i feel that i dont miss him...just the person i thought he was.

I wish i could write to him, or the person that i thought he was. If i could, i would tell him how much he hurt me. But overall, how much he disappointed me. Thought he would have said that he was sorry by now and i would slowly forgive him. Its funny how he is winning this race and im always behind ten feet.

 

I just want to run away, hide under a rock, and sleep for three weeks. I avoid him at all cause and i been stop checking his twitter and Fb. I just want to forget him. But then again, i just want to forgive him.

 

It will be nice to take a window seat, i dont want no one messing with me.