Venting - My Son

[Hopelives]

is 18. I love him to pieces. We've had our rows - I've raised him on my own since he was 6 months old, his father was never involved with him after that age.

 

Anyway, the past 5 years have been hard for me with him. It's on here somewhere but I'm not rehashing that now. It is in the past. We've rebuilt a different relationship that is better, more stable and solid.

 

HOWEVER, I have a pet peeve and it is really making me REALLY mad.

 

My son went from straight A's in 6th grade, top 2 in entire county in math and science to... ba da dum dum.... failing out of high school. It is emotionally related, not drugs, drinking, or sex. We had a bit of evil enter our lives for a short time (15 months) when he finished 6th grade and stench took a very long time to get over.

 

anyway, blah blah blah... my house was foreclosed upon. I needed to move. I received child support that would be in effect until my son graduated from high school BUT because he is now officially a drop out, the child support stopped. I was counting on the CS to help pay for the rent in the new place.

 

My son, the love of my life, got a job nearby and I told him I needed the help to pay for bills on new place. As a student myself (med school), I don't have the income to pay for everything like I did in our old house along with all our vacations, blah blah blah.

 

Anyway, this twit s@#$ of a son, spent his entire check on freaking video games today. ](*,) I just looked at him... with an unhappy, disgusted look, like, "seriously?"

 

He asked, "wat!?"

 

I said, "You know... the CS is gone because YOU did not finish high school. Now, I scrape enough money together to buy YOUR food that YOU waste, to pay for the water bill and the electric bill, YOU know I'm scraping to pay for the rent, just watched me count to make sure I had enough for dog food and you buy f@#$ing video games??"

 

I'm angry. I love him, but I'm angry.

 

That's all. erggggg ](*,)

[eggplant47]

Well, what did he say when you confronted him with this? Was it eye opening or did he just shrug it off?

[Hopelives]

Well, what did he say when you confronted him with this? Was it eye opening or did he just shrug it off?

He said he was going to help pay for the water bill but assumed that would not start until we got the actual water bill (it's billed in 3 month increments). It felt like a "stall" tactic to me...

 

I know he will pay for the bill.

 

It's just the insensitivity that got to me tonight... the selfishness of his actions.

 

And then I realize, he is still a teenager.

 

He really has grown up a bit over the past 6 months but this just irked me (obviously!!).

[hexaemeron]

Hope, I've followed your threads about your son. Honestly, ask yourself, are you surprised? You shouldn't be.

[eggplant47]

He said he was going to help pay for the water bill but assumed that would not start until we got the actual water bill (it's billed in 3 month increments). It felt like a "stall" tactic to me...

 

I know he will pay for the bill.

 

It's just the insensitivity that got to me tonight... the selfishness of his actions.

 

And then I realize, he is still a teenager.

 

He really has grown up a bit over the past 6 months but this just irked me (obviously!!).

 

Well 18 is still a pretty immature age. But since he is now technically an adult & working instead of going to school, maybe it's time to set up some conditions & make him start paying rent.

 

I'm not saying he should pay half if you don't feel like he's earning enough yet. But if you offer too much flexibility as to what he's financially responsible for, he's bound to take advantage of you. If you clarify things by telling him that he needs to start contributing _____ dollars a month towards rent & that it will be due on the 1st of the month then he can't make any excuses. And then you can decide where the money he contributes needs to go.

[Catdancer]

I think that you should ask him for a certain amount from every one of his paychecks and be sure to leave him with some fun money, as he is a teenager afterall. So, if he brings home $100 a week, ask him for $50 a week. That should give you an extra $200 a month to allot to bills and groceries. You can call it his weekly rent since he decided to drop out of school and he is 18, if it werent for you, he would have to pay rent somewhere anyway. So, take a portion every payday.

[Doc Blaze]

how much does he make a week...if he isnt in school.he def should be working full time some where...or 2 part time jobs...then you both should make a budget..this how much money he needs to pay..then the rest he can do as he pleases with it...set up rules..if not , then time for some tough love...my dad never forced me and my brother to go to school..but he said if ur not in school, you better have a full time job because you wont be living here for free off me

[Hopelives]

Hexa, I'm not completely surprised but a little bit, yes. When he and I first talked after him living at my parents' house for 5 months, he said he had really screwed up and was terribly sorry. On top of that, he has only gotten angry to the point of yelling twice which is a vast improvement where every conversation turned into a hole-in-wall-punching fest. Each time, he's sat back angry at me, listened to what I had to say, then been quiet and still... before responding. The last time, I simply just walked away and said when he could discuss things like a man, and not a child, to let me know but that for now, his behavior was intolerable and that I refused to go back to what happened in the house I lost (did i mention that his hole punching every - EVERY - night before a showing possibly cost me my house as well!??!?!)

 

To the others, he makes roughly, $200/week before taxes so probably $150/week clear. I like the idea of 1/2 of it going to me to pay for rent/bills and the other 1/2 as he pleases. Also, I'm very amenable to him decreasing that IF he is working on his GED and college applications.

 

The CS is gone for good but him getting to college is of greater importance to me than the money... altho, killing two birds with stone certainly fits in this instance.

[arcadefire]

He's acting terribly irresponsible and rude. You need to give him an ultimatum to have him learn, and definitely follow through with it. If he does not do his part to pay the bills, he's out of the house. Don't threaten to kick him out without really following through, otherwise he won't take you seriously.

[hexaemeron]

Yeah, arcadefire, you and I almost never agree on anything, but we agree here. Hope, your son is spoiled rotten and overly entitled. He has no idea how hard the real world is, which is why he shows disrespect for you (not the house, not anything else) on such a constant basis.

 

I honestly think a tough-love situation of "shape up or get out" is probably needed here so that in 2-3 months, when he THEN understands how hard it is to go it alone, he'll come back with the appropriate amount of respect.

[Miss Firecracker]

Hope, I have never read your threads but I just looked through some. Someone is going to be hurt or worse if he doesn't get under control. Maybe he has been evaluated, I don't know. But seriously, aren't you afraid of him?

[Hopelives]

Hope, I have never read your threads but I just looked through some. Someone is going to be hurt or worse if he doesn't get under control. Maybe he has been evaluated, I don't know. But seriously, aren't you afraid of him?

I used to be very afraid of him... he was physically abusive for a few years, off and on.

 

However, he spent 5 months living with my parents and learning I was done with his crap behavior. In late February, he came home and there have been no issues here; he gets angry once in a great while (twice in 2 months) but I walk away. He later apologizes.

 

The only thing really sticking in my craw now is the video game. And I think all of you are absolutely right.

 

Tonight, I told him about the money thing we will need to discuss but given the past 36 hours for me (my great dane, post is elsewhere), I don't have the energy to deal with my son and what he should pay to live here.

 

He knows the discussion is coming. Just, I need to have the energy to focus elsewhere.

[Hopelives]

So... son brought up opening bank account tonight.

 

I said, I'd been checking around campus at housing and roommate situations; the cheapest I could find was $350 per month all inclusive, except for food. So, I told him I thought $300 per month for everything sounded fair to me.

 

He blew.

 

Screamed at me. Said did I know how much "f-ing money I make?" I said yes. That was 1/2. He blew again, kicked the chair, bashed the wall.

 

He's really pissed. Too bad. He's whining to his friends now.

[Ginger1]

at 18 I would have never done that to my mother, but he is a boy... I think it's perfectly fair to take some of his money. If he doesn't want you taking his money, then he can go off on his own because he IS an adult now. Otherwise, tell him that if he ants a place to live and a mother that loves him and cooks for him and all that, then he needs to contribute.

[Miss Firecracker]

He won't have friends much longer.

 

Anyone that goes around bashing in walls needs serious help. I hope you will consider that before someone gets hurt. It may be you, or it could be someone else.

 

My sister just told me a girl her daughter played soccer with was shot in the mouth by her boyfriend. She is dead. A friend of hers is telling police about the behavior of this boy, every detail about his ranting behavior with the girlfriend. The things she told me sound a lot like what your son is doing. This girl's boyfriend said they were just "playing around with a loaded gun".