It doesn't ever really get better does it?

[Disturbed]

These past few months have been beyond rough. There's this ongoing, constant custody battle with my parents over me right now. Only my mom is just trying to get me over at her house so she can have a larger tax refund and more child support. I don't want to be there at all because Her husband is a controlling, abusive smoker who manipulates and mooches off off people and he has absolutely no morals. On top of that, my dad thinks I'm old and mature enough to handle hearing about what really went on during my parents' divorce 10 years ago.

So I found out my dad cheated on my mom and I just can't look or think of him the same now. I know he hasn't been treating me the best lately, but I know he's really stressed and I think my perception of how bad he's really been was clouded by my own distorted view of things. But he's this ethical, logical, driven, intelligent, nurturing and at times an aggressive person. I just can't understand why he cheated on my mom. He said it was because he didn't love her anymore. Then why didn't he just ask for a divorce instead of going and sleeping with another woman? It would have saved a large amount of emotional strain on the both of them and maybe the divorce wouldn't have taken 3 years... Sometimes, I don't understand why adults are so cruel to one another.

And for a time, I thought I was getting better. the ceaseless crying stopped. The rocking back and forth and muttering to myself stopped. I thought about killing myself less and less. The cutting stopped. The voices shut up. I stopped seeing all those disturbing images of dead bodies. It felt as if my brain were being re-wired and I was becoming a whole new person. Free of stress, gifted with motivation. Motivation to work hard in school, to attempt to interact with other human beings, the motivation to keep living.

 

The all of a sudden things got really bad. Again. My dad and step mom started fighting something awful. They didn't think I was home. They were screaming like there was no tomorrow. My dad never screams. They might get a divorce. I'm so sick of divorce. It ruins families and makes everyone around them miserable. And my step mom wants me out of the house. She says she doesn't want to have to deal with raising another 14 year old and that she's already raised four. It's like a big freezer here. Everything is always so tense. Everyone is always fighting. Everyone avoids each other. Everyone acts cold as ice. Then my grades started slipping again, my artwork darkened, my poetry turned suicidal, and so did I. I cut again. It felt good. It shouldn't feel good, I don't want it to feel good. Pain amuses me. It's sickening. I sicken myself and I want me gone. I sit down on my bed and hour every day and rip out my cat's hair... My poor cats... Then I wash my hands for exactly 13 minutes because I feel unclean and foul and corrupt... I read a story in the paper about a mother's boyfriend shooting her three year old son. I just laughed at the irony of it. Laughed like a goddamned maniac. God I'm such a sick . I hate myself for it. I'll watch cold case file and some chick will be raped and murdered and I actually find it funny. What the is wrong with me??? There's just something about sex and killing... Something that's so goddamn hilarious and alluring.

 

The scary part of this is I seem pretty much normal to and outsider. I'm far from it. I just need to rid the world of me before I end up hurting someone. But I can't. My dad would be devastated. I could never do that to him. He's done everything for me. He saved me from my mom, put a roof over my head, helped me get through school many many times, he's loved me, he's cried for me, he's been there for me when no one else in the world was. not even myself. He's under too much stress as it is. That would put him over the top. And I love him so much and I couldn't do that to him. All I've done for him in return is shut him out and act like the selfish little brat I am and ignore everyone else around me. Because I'm too immature to deal with everything. I don't know what else to do. I hate being stuck in the dark. I'm lost. Please help me find my way back. I have nowhere else to turn.

[helko]

im not sure what help i can offer you, but as someone who has suffered from depression from your age onwards, i can say that there are a whole lot of things that go through your brain as a teenager that dont always make sense. and you might look back on those feelings in later years and wonder why you thought like that

 

as you grow up and become an adult you'll no doubt become better able to deal with the situation surrounding your parents

 

you might still be miserable (as i certainly am). but 14 is a very young age to be contemplating suicide with any kind of rationality. there is always that chance things will get better, and in the next 5-10 years are when those chances are going to be at their best

[Disturbed]

Are you suggesting these are normal behaviors?? Because I have a feeling it is not just a normal part of growing up to cut yourself and hear voices and see things or have this irrational obsession with violence. I know no one my age dealing with all that crap. I know teenagers' brains are unbalanced and hormone-controlled, but this can't be quite normal....

[Disturbed]

Please, somebody say something, anything back... I'm feeling massively worse than I was yesterday. I can feel my mind unraveling even as I type this. I have nowhere else to go other than here. It's all I cant do to not explode into convulsive fits of rage and break everything. Im really scared right now. It's taking all of my effort to write this. I don't know what to do... I don't know how to deal with this. Blood drips from numerable gashes out of both my wrists. My mind is running in circles. I can't stop my mind from racing. It wont stop. Please make it stop. I think It's going to catch me. I swear it's really there. They're all yelling at me again. Im sure they're not coming from the outside though. I think they're in my head.... But of that I can't be completely sure.. They seem so real. I can hear every breath and every sigh. Ughh please make it stop.

I guess I sound like a nut-case and I'm not completely sure all this makes much sense... Sometimes I'll have 'clear patches". My logical mind fades in and out. And oh god my wrists hurt like hell. And so does my head. Im so sick of these crippling headaches... I can't take advil for them... Because then I can't control myself and I end up taking 30 or so and puke all the next day and it's absolutely horrible. So I'm stuck with these massive, blinding headaches. Please just give me suggestions. Anything.

[helko]

take a look around on this forum... there are plenty of people who post here about behaviour that is anything but normal. my own threads would be a good place to start (i do some things i am very much ashamed of but can't really stop)

 

all im saying is that you're still very young. maybe if things get sorted out in your life as you mature into an adult, you won't feel the need to be doing these things anymore

[Fudgie]

When I was your age, I had the same experience. I contemplated suicide a LOT...lots of bad thoughts. I was briefly psychotic. But I found that to be a part of my really, REALLY bad depression and once I was treated, I was ok.

 

You're right, what you're going through is NOT normal. Don't let anyone tell you it is or you're just being an "angsty teen". It's so rude when people do that.

 

I'm disgusted that someone here has already posted to you that you will just "grow up" and suggested that this behaviour is "normal". Well, let me tell you. Teenagers do a lot of stupid crap...let's admit it. But what you're going through is NOT normal and is a cry for help.

 

Anyone, at ANY age contemplating suicide and other such thoughts needs help. Don't EVER shrug them off. I mean it.

 

My advice? Find an adult that you trust and GET HELP. Find someone who will listen and get you the help you need.

[sidehop]

I'm very sorry you're going through this pain.

 

I agree with Fudgie, is there someone you can trust that you can talk to? Also how's your health otherwise? Are you eating and getting enough rest at least?

 

Instead of trying to cutting, have you considered drawing and writing out your emotions?

[helko]

hang on a second. i never suggested this was normal behaviour. all im saying is that a lot can change in a few years. maybe it wont?? for me it certainly hasn't. but you never know right?

[Fudgie]

I think it's dangerous to tell anyone who is suicidal that things "may change" in a bit.

 

By that time, it may be too late.

That's all.

[Disturbed]

I'm very sorry you're going through this pain.

 

I agree with Fudgie, is there someone you can trust that you can talk to? Also how's your health otherwise? Are you eating and getting enough rest at least?

 

Instead of trying to cutting, have you considered drawing and writing out your emotions?

 

There's no one I really trust enough to talk to... That would be if I had to the words to talk... Or the will... I'm kind of incapacitated when It comes to talking... I do draw, an paint, and write... It's just not enough. Everything for me is kind of plummeting lower and lower everyday. I can't find a way to stop it. I need some way to bring me back down to Earth. And feeling the pain and warm blood drip down my forearms is about as close as I can get myself right now... There's just no use...

[Miss Firecracker]

There's no one I really trust enough to talk to... That would be if I had to the words to talk... Or the will... I'm kind of incapacitated when It comes to talking... I do draw, an paint, and write... It's just not enough. Everything for me is kind of plummeting lower and lower everyday. I can't find a way to stop it. I need some way to bring me back down to Earth. And feeling the pain and warm blood drip down my forearms is about as close as I can get myself right now... There's just no use...

 

If you truly want to prevent yourself from hurting someone, you will go to a doctor and confess your feelings. This is the only hope.

[sidehop]

There's no one I really trust enough to talk to... That would be if I had to the words to talk... Or the will... I'm kind of incapacitated when It comes to talking... I do draw, an paint, and write... It's just not enough. Everything for me is kind of plummeting lower and lower everyday. I can't find a way to stop it. I need some way to bring me back down to Earth. And feeling the pain and warm blood drip down my forearms is about as close as I can get myself right now... There's just no use...

 

Not even at school? I'm sure there are people that will listen to you and talk to you as well as get necessary help.

[trezz]

Hello Disturbed

i do remember you saying a while back that you had smoked some weed (cant spell mar...) your symptoms sound like side effects. when did you last smoke and how much of what strength?

have you also taken sleeping tablets and other meds either from the doctor or off the shelf or from other sources? these things all add up and some stay in your system for a long time.

is it possible you are having effects from medication? if so go to your doctor and tell All the medication you have taken. there are some pills which are harmless until combined with other medication.

 

are you going longer inbetween cutting bouts? didnt you used to cut regularly. you havent cut for a long time and then went back to a known form of de-stressing behaviour. sounds like you got a nasty shock over hearing that fight so going back to what you know sounds senisble--before anyone gives off about that comment...what is there that you can do that gives the same relief as cutting but not destructive. art and writting sound good but maybe not physical enough of an outlet. can you get some balls and throw them hard at something? a big stick and thump a cushion? these may be silly ideas but you can adapt ideas to what suits your life.

 

sounds like you are getting along so much better with your dad. thats a lovely development. sounds like he trusts you and thinks your old enough to confide in. i did this with my daughter. i told her a few things i should'nt have because i thought she was old enough to know the truth. we parents can forget how young teenagers are. sometimes teens can look so capable and mature that adults forget what a nightmare teenage years are. what if you tell your dad you cant handle being treated as a confidant you are 14! yep, parents do sometimes require gentle reminders!

yes, my daughter went haywire for a couple of years. so is now 19 at university and happy. i really did think she would have been dead by now. me and her dad did a brilliant job of effing up her life. fortunatly she got help from outside, not emotionaly involved people who were able to talk to her and me and life VERY SLOWLY improved. good outside help was what worked for us. i know you have had bad experiences with counsellors. my daughter went to quite a few organisations before she got proper help. the social worker she had got fired due to absolute stupid, dangerous behaviour. not all help is good. please keep trying until you find someone trustworthy.

 

another thing that worked for us was writting notes. we were not allowed to answer the notes or act on them until the next day. that way the first irrational over emotional response was avoided. time to cool down and process the information was necessary. if you decide to write your feelings down make very clear you are not writting a suicide note, it is a 'how i feel' note and ask for no response for 24 hours as a cooling down period. that is tough to learn to not respond the first few attempts may not happen but learning to process all that information does eventullay happen.

 

does your cat stay on your knee when you are pulling out it's hair? what can you do to avoid doing that?

 

there seems to be areas of great progress in your life. look for the improving parts / length of time not cutting/improving relationship with dad/school work going ok. there are bound to be a few set backs in life. that's how it works. climbing out of the bad patchs for longer periods of time is what it's all about.