Disturbed Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 These past few months have been beyond rough. There's this ongoing, constant custody battle with my parents over me right now. Only my mom is just trying to get me over at her house so she can have a larger tax refund and more child support. I don't want to be there at all because Her husband is a controlling, abusive smoker who manipulates and mooches off off people and he has absolutely no morals. On top of that, my dad thinks I'm old and mature enough to handle hearing about what really went on during my parents' divorce 10 years ago. So I found out my dad cheated on my mom and I just can't look or think of him the same now. I know he hasn't been treating me the best lately, but I know he's really stressed and I think my perception of how bad he's really been was clouded by my own distorted view of things. But he's this ethical, logical, driven, intelligent, nurturing and at times an aggressive person. I just can't understand why he cheated on my mom. He said it was because he didn't love her anymore. Then why didn't he just ask for a divorce instead of going and sleeping with another woman? It would have saved a large amount of emotional strain on the both of them and maybe the divorce wouldn't have taken 3 years... Sometimes, I don't understand why adults are so cruel to one another. And for a time, I thought I was getting better. the ceaseless crying stopped. The rocking back and forth and muttering to myself stopped. I thought about killing myself less and less. The cutting stopped. The voices shut up. I stopped seeing all those disturbing images of dead bodies. It felt as if my brain were being re-wired and I was becoming a whole new person. Free of stress, gifted with motivation. Motivation to work hard in school, to attempt to interact with other human beings, the motivation to keep living. The all of a sudden things got really bad. Again. My dad and step mom started fighting something awful. They didn't think I was home. They were screaming like there was no tomorrow. My dad never screams. They might get a divorce. I'm so sick of divorce. It ruins families and makes everyone around them miserable. And my step mom wants me out of the house. She says she doesn't want to have to deal with raising another 14 year old and that she's already raised four. It's like a big freezer here. Everything is always so tense. Everyone is always fighting. Everyone avoids each other. Everyone acts cold as ice. Then my grades started slipping again, my artwork darkened, my poetry turned suicidal, and so did I. I cut again. It felt good. It shouldn't feel good, I don't want it to feel good. Pain amuses me. It's sickening. I sicken myself and I want me gone. I sit down on my bed and hour every day and rip out my cat's hair... My poor cats... Then I wash my hands for exactly 13 minutes because I feel unclean and foul and corrupt... I read a story in the paper about a mother's boyfriend shooting her three year old son. I just laughed at the irony of it. Laughed like a goddamned maniac. God I'm such a sick . I hate myself for it. I'll watch cold case file and some chick will be raped and murdered and I actually find it funny. What the is wrong with me??? There's just something about sex and killing... Something that's so goddamn hilarious and alluring. The scary part of this is I seem pretty much normal to and outsider. I'm far from it. I just need to rid the world of me before I end up hurting someone. But I can't. My dad would be devastated. I could never do that to him. He's done everything for me. He saved me from my mom, put a roof over my head, helped me get through school many many times, he's loved me, he's cried for me, he's been there for me when no one else in the world was. not even myself. He's under too much stress as it is. That would put him over the top. And I love him so much and I couldn't do that to him. All I've done for him in return is shut him out and act like the selfish little brat I am and ignore everyone else around me. Because I'm too immature to deal with everything. I don't know what else to do. I hate being stuck in the dark. I'm lost. Please help me find my way back. I have nowhere else to turn. Link to comment
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