justsayno Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 I was thinking... I'm sure a few of us might be in a similar situation where we might be seeing/dating someone who basically treats us like crap but we continue to see them... maybe sleep with them on occasion. This is a challenge to get that person out of your life for good! Or at the very least stop behaving like a rug that can be stomped all over. Would anyone be interested in taking me up on this? These would be the rules... No Calling No Texting No E-mailing We can post here how we're doing and give one another support. About my situation... was dating a guy that was great when we went out... attentive, charming, nice. Then when it came to those in between dates he would only text me. And his texts would be really short, long time in between texts, and basically a poor excuse for communication. I have a feeling that this guy is a bigtime player. No proof, just a feeling. As attracted I am to him, I know he is NO GOOD for me. I just need to get him out of my system!! LOL Know what I mean?? Link to comment
confused.p Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 I have been in pretty much exactly your situation for the past few months. The guy I was seeing was great in person, although sometimes a little distant, and between dates he'd either text me or just wait several days before contacting me, and it was almost always me who gave in and contacted him. Well he stopped contacting me and after a few days I (once again) tried calling him and no answer, it's been a week and I decided I'm not going to try and contact him again but I know I'm going to need a little support in this! So I'm in, I'm right here with you, girl. You're right, these guys are definitely NO GOOD for us no matter how fun/sexy/charming they are! Link to comment
justsayno Posted April 20, 2010 Author Share Posted April 20, 2010 Yay! I'm so glad I have a buddy in this. I know it won't be easy but its something we need to do for ourselves. And your situation sounds so similar to mine its scary! I'm going to try to come one at least once a day and post how I'm doing. Link to comment
confused.p Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 Yea I thought our situations seemed eerily similar that's why I replied to your post. I've been going nuts all week wondering why he doesn't call, what he's thinking, wanting to call/text him something brilliant that will make him want me (LOL), regretting not teling him what's been on my mind when I had the chance, etc. Maybe having someone to talk to who's in such a similar type of relationship will give us better insight. Link to comment
newwave Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 Agreed. I was in a situation where it seemed I was doing the work. I was calling him, etc. He didn't seem to be doing that much. I called him 5 weeks ago, he said he'd call back but never did. I am not calling him back. Link to comment
justsayno Posted April 20, 2010 Author Share Posted April 20, 2010 Its been less than 24 hours since I last texted him and I really have no urge to do so.... yet. Reason I started up this thread is cause I've tried to do this before and I failed! With the same guy. So the plan is this... no contact with him for a few days and I might move into no initiating contact if he ends up pursuing it. But you know, he may just completely drop off the face of the earth ... I have to be willing to accept that and move on. Link to comment
Pnt8rshs Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 I'm with you sister!!! I've been dating this guy for about 4 months. Sexy, charming, witty, extremely smart/successful, funny, fun to be with. But, he is going through a divorce, does 101 activities during the week (business dinners, softball league, bowling, kids). The clincher is that he does call me regularly, almost every day. We talk for long periods of time, but when it comes to SEEING EACH OTHER, it is only on his watch -- when he is available -- and that is only like 1 time every 2 weeks or so. Ridiculous. I'm having a relationship with my phone. About a month ago, we had the "not seeing anyone else" talk, but by no means is this man my boyfriend. I don't even feel like we are dating!!! I feel like we are "talking." I was recently asked out by a really good looking, funny, smart (lots in common with) man and I'm going to go. I'm on the fence about telling Mr. Unavailable about it. Thoughts? Do I have to? Link to comment
kiwifly Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 I'd like to join in too! I've started seeing a guy. Very nice, sweet, matching interests and all that. We've only been on two dates within the past month, but it seems like I'm always the one who calls him inbetween. When we talk on the phone he says he wants to see me again but he never makes plans. There is always an excuse. I've been thinking of calling him today, but after seeing this post today I've changed my mind. If he wants me I want him to make an effort! I think we need to start telling ourselves that we deserve better. We are worth it! Link to comment
justsayno Posted April 20, 2010 Author Share Posted April 20, 2010 I was recently asked out by a really good looking, funny, smart (lots in common with) man and I'm going to go. I'm on the fence about telling Mr. Unavailable about it. Thoughts? Do I have to? Yeah, I was also seeing this guy (another guy) that was the same way.... he always had the upper hand when it came to making dates. I would literally flip my schedule around and on its head so that I could make time to see him and he would see me when it was convenient for him. I don't know why I didn't adopt the same attitude. I think you should go on this date and not tell Mr. Unavailable about it. But next time you guys try to make plans you might have a date already scheduled and you could say something like "oh no I'm busy that night" just be really vague and he'll be wondering what you're up to. I think telling him straight out like you're dating someone else is a bit obvious like you're trying to make him jealous. If things work out with the new guy then you can break it off with Mr. Unavailable and you'll have the satisfaction of letting him know you met someone else. Link to comment
justsayno Posted April 20, 2010 Author Share Posted April 20, 2010 I'd like to join in too! I've started seeing a guy. Very nice, sweet, matching interests and all that. We've only been on two dates within the past month, but it seems like I'm always the one who calls him inbetween. When we talk on the phone he says he wants to see me again but he never makes plans. There is always an excuse. I've been thinking of calling him today, but after seeing this post today I've changed my mind. If he wants me I want him to make an effort! I think we need to start telling ourselves that we deserve better. We are worth it! Yes!!! Join us!!! I hate feeling like I'm the one chasing the guy. I mean by no means does it always have to be about them chasing us but I would just like some reciprocity. There's someone out there that's better! Link to comment
confused.p Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 I'd like to join in too! I've started seeing a guy. Very nice, sweet, matching interests and all that. We've only been on two dates within the past month, but it seems like I'm always the one who calls him inbetween. When we talk on the phone he says he wants to see me again but he never makes plans. There is always an excuse. I've been thinking of calling him today, but after seeing this post today I've changed my mind. If he wants me I want him to make an effort! I think we need to start telling ourselves that we deserve better. We are worth it! You're right, we ARE worth it, and we do deserve better. I don't know why, but it seems like so many women are willing to put up with stupid crap from guys, and for what reason? I know for me it was that when I was actually with this guy he was so sweet, making me dinner/breakfast... we had great conversations (sometimes) and the sex (when it happened) was great. But all those things just added up to us having "potential" to be good. It wasn't a great relationship b/c I always felt there was something missing something he wasn't giving me. And it didn't even occur to me at the time that I deserved more from him, how weird is that?! Even weirder, knowing it wasn't a great relationship... I still kinda want him back. A lot. I don't want to give up b/c I still feel like there was POTENTIAL for us to be really awesome together. I think that's the worst part for me. It's been 8 days now NC that he initiated by never calling me back and it hurts like hell even though there's this voice in my head trying to say I'm better off. Link to comment
fifregister Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 I'm sorry to hear. I do the same thing to, focus on the "potential" and get caught up in pining away at something that I wish for, but not reality. Dust yourself off and try again. Date #75 for me in a one year cycle. Sigh. Link to comment
Zuzu2 Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 Stay strong ladies! I say make him come to you. I totally know what you're going through though. When I first started seeing my boyfriend I had to resist the urge all the time but I just was like he can contact me if he wants to see me. I'd even try to not be as available so if he asked if I wanted to do something Saturday or whatever I'd already have plans. I think if he really wasn't into me he would have just disappeared but he didn't and now we see each other almost every day after a year. And I also found out that he was seeing another girl when we first started dating for over a month, which explained why he would just diappear for a day or two and then resurface. When I found out I tried to dump him and that's when he started making extra effort to see me as much as he could even though by then the other girl was long out of the picture. Link to comment
justsayno Posted April 20, 2010 Author Share Posted April 20, 2010 So I got through today without texting. I've been on a mini rollercoaster today. I've had moments where I feel this relief that I don't have to think about him anymore. Relief that I hope soon I will stop pining over this guy. I've also had moments where I look at my phone and I think.. oh no! He hasn't texted me today? Why hasn't he texted me? WIll he ever text me again? WHat if I never hear from him again? Does he really care that little about me? sigh... 24 hours have gone by... Oh one thing I've found that helps is to spend as much time talking to other people and just getting out of your head. Not necessarily to talk about the guy/girl but just talk about anything random really. Link to comment
confused.p Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 I agree it's good to do things to keep your mind off it as much as possible. Im still having roller coaster moments and I think it takes time for that to go away. As for your fear of never hearing from him again remember it's only been a day so it's possible after a few days he'll get the point and contact you. But if he does contact you, would you want to stay in a relationship with this guy? If he's anything like the guy I was seeing it sounds like he just wants to see you when it's convenient for him or like he's playing games with you. Is that what you really want? Link to comment
justsayno Posted April 20, 2010 Author Share Posted April 20, 2010 But if he does contact you, would you want to stay in a relationship with this guy? If he's anything like the guy I was seeing it sounds like he just wants to see you when it's convenient for him or like he's playing games with you. Is that what you really want? You know I've gotten to the point with him where I KNOW that I will not be happy with what he's willing to offer me. I don't want a relationship with him. I would love to meet someone that would make me feel the way he does but at the same time, give me the time and attention that I deserve. If I were to find that, I think it would far surpass anything I had with this guy. Would I still like for him to text me? Yes. I think I would feel somehow validated by it. I know that's silly and totally lame but I can't help it, its how I feel. ](*,) Link to comment
newwave Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 I'll let you in a secret that I should have done myself: guys love to spend money on girls. If he hesitates on this, he's not interested. I'm going to find a guy actually interested in buying me things. Link to comment
confused.p Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 Would I still like for him to text me? Yes. I think I would feel somehow validated by it. I know that's silly and totally lame but I can't help it, its how I feel. ](*,) I totally understand how you feel I still want my (ex?) to call or text me. It seems like it would make this whole thing easier if I just understood WHY he acted the way he did. My situation is a little complicated though and I've been guilty of playing it way too cool with him, I think eventually he started to think I didn't really like him which made it worse. Not really sure though. It's definitely normal to want validation and that's not lame at all. Link to comment
confused.p Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 OMG newwave I have to ask you something... the guy I was seeing always said he wished he could afford to do more, take me places, etc. but I've always felt weird about guys not letting me spend ANY money and I let him know that. He would pay for things and I'd thank him but I always feel a little awkward esp. cause we weren't official. Actually the last time we talked I restated that I'm weird about the whole money thing is it possible he was turned off by this? Link to comment
newwave Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 OMG newwave I have to ask you something... the guy I was seeing always said he wished he could afford to do more, take me places, etc. but I've always felt weird about guys not letting me spend ANY money and I let him know that. He would pay for things and I'd thank him but I always feel a little awkward esp. cause we weren't official. Actually the last time we talked I restated that I'm weird about the whole money thing is it possible he was turned off by this? Possibly. Men are funny about money. If a man really likes a girl (and obviously depending on what they can afford) he'll spend money. Granted some guys do it thinking they'll get sex, but others won't. I'm not saying to take advantage of a guy and lead him to think you'll want more by buying gifts, just to enjoy getting gifts. Next guy I date I'll tell him what I collect so he'll buy me those things. Link to comment
confused.p Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 Yea they sure are funny about money. I never felt like he was just trying to get me to sleep with him by spending money, and looking back I feel like maybe I should have just chilled out and enjoyed it when he wanted to spend money on me. Either way I guess it's just one thing on the long list of things that seemed to go wrong maybe we just didn't understand each other. Crap now I'm starting to want to call him-- just because. He really did seem to like me and I think the awkwardness just ruined it, but I'm trying to stay strong on the NC for now Link to comment
Pnt8rshs Posted April 21, 2010 Share Posted April 21, 2010 Thanks JustSayNo, that is what I'm going to do! Link to comment
justsayno Posted April 21, 2010 Author Share Posted April 21, 2010 Feeling a little sad about the no contact. I know this is what has to be done. You know its weird how there were so many signs along the way that he was a player and I chose to ignore them, told myself I was just being paranoid. But thinking back about this now I know I felt uncomfortable at certain points in our "relationship". And it was my gut telling me something. Why did I stick around for so long? Ugggh right now I'm disgusted with him and honestly feeling pathetic. ](*,) Link to comment
justsayno Posted April 21, 2010 Author Share Posted April 21, 2010 Good for u! Let us know how your date goes. Link to comment
fifregister Posted April 21, 2010 Share Posted April 21, 2010 @justsayno: I think your idea of starting this thread is good for those who are in dating limbo. NC applies to our moments of insecurity and to our feelings of rejection while dating someone who doesn't give us what we want or need. Don't feel pathetic...it's just part of the dating cycle and us doing our best for those we care about (even when they don't deserve it). How long have you been doing NC with this guy? Link to comment
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