Hard time just being friends

[ravensfan]

Hey guys, I'll try to make this as short as possible:

Not too long ago I met up with a high school friend from a couple years back. We hung out a couple times, and we had a great time each time. After a couple of times of hanging out I decided to ask her out. She turned me down, said she just got off a relationship and wanted to be single for a while. I backed off and told her that we should be friends, and that if she's ever interested in taking my offer to let me know. She was actually pleasantly surprised that I conducted myself that way, as apparently most guys say "screw you then" and go on their way after being rejected.

 

We kept hanging out, kept having a good time, and I was too confused because it kept seeming like she was interested. To clear up any confusion, I asked her once and for all whether I'll ever have a chance, or whether I can safely assume we'll always be good friends. She repeated that she really was trying to get over her last relationship, and just needed some time off, and if it weren't for that, I would be a great guy to be with, but at the same time she asked me not to wait up for her, but that she enjoyed hanging out with me.

 

There lies the problem. I don't want to wait up for her because emotionally it could set me up for failure. We're still friends and we still hang out every now and then. I want to just enjoy the ride as friends at least for now, but I think about her enough that it sometimes distracts me too much. She talks with her ex still to be able to find some closure, and she tells me that she told her ex I asked her out, and that he almost wanted to talk to me so that he can tell me to give her some time. She even asked me if it bothered me that she still hang out with her ex, but I just tell her that I'm giving her the space she needs and that she should take care of herself first and not to let me hold her back, and she seemed to really appreciate me saying that.

 

This is all too confusing for me. I want to keep the door open for possibly something later but I don't want to seem needy by trying to talk to her a lot either. Is there any hope here? Should I just give it up?

[mmmd]

if your top priority is dating this girl, you have to stop hanging out with her.

 

if you're fine just spending time with her, you can keep being her friend, just know you'll never date her.

 

best way to date her is to live your own life and not be nearly as accessible as you are.

[misssmithviii]

First of all, I commend you. You're right, there are many guys who would just lose interest if they couldn't get anything more than just a platonic friendship out of a woman. I think you've dealt with this very well actually

 

Ask yourself this: Are your feelings towards her going to get in between your friendship with her? If not, I see no problem at least staying friends. She needs her time and you're good for giving her that - if you end the friendship, you are putting a deadline on her response.

Just give her the space you said you will, let her figure things out on her own and just being there for her will say a lot as well.

 

Keep your door open to her but keep your eyes open to others as well. That's my advice

[lavenderdove]

How long since her breakup, and how long since you talked to her about this?

 

If it's only been a couple months, she is probably still healing and it has nothing to do with you.

 

If it's been 6 months to a year and she is still saying this, then it may be a perpetual stall, or she needs to be professional help to get over her last breakup.

[HeartGoesOn]

It sounds to me like she's still not sure whether she has a chance with her "ex," and that's what she means by "needing space." You may want to take a step back, and see if she ends it completely with him, and is on her own and single for a while, before trying to persue anything.

[ravensfan]

Thanks to everyone for the insight.

 

lavenderdove: It's been since late February that she broke up, so yea... it hasn't been too long ago, plus I think it was a long relationship, so I'm guessing she'll be spending A LOT of time to try and move on. I talked to her about this like two weeks ago.

 

misssmithviii: Good advice. In the end I would feel bad if I got in the way of her trying to move on... I would imagine it would be at least annoying for her, but in the end I would imagine that I would be the one worse off if I tried to interfere. I'll try to keep my eyes open for others though. I definitely want to be there for her if she needs to talk about anything bothering her though. Is there a way I can let her know that, or should I just assume if she doesn't talk to me about anything serious that she's not comfortable talking to me about it?

 

mmmd: So you're saying I should not really hang out/ communicate with her that much if at all? I don't want to sound critical, I'm just curious if this is really the way to keep the door open for something later on.

 

How often should I really try to communicate with her if she doesn't communicate with me first?

 

Thanks again to everyone for the help.

[pl3asehelp]

This seems like one of those male/female 'friendships' that spoils the truly platonic friendships for the rest of us. I mean, you're really just waiting for your chance, right? I'd say you aren't friends, you've crossed a certain threshold when you expressed your interest in dating her. You've got a thing for her, clearly. If she gets a boyfriend later on (who's not you) he probably won't appreciate a 'friend' who wants to date his girlfriend and you'll probably find something wrong with the guy out of jealousy. I don't know what this relationship should be called - you didn't date, but you aren't just friends either. Suitor is the closest thing that comes to mind.

[goodfoot]

I would say you can agree to be friends only if you would be completely fine with her going back to her ex, or dating another new guy. Agreeing to be friends while really wanting something more isn't fun at all.

[ravensfan]

pl3asehelp & goodfoot: ugh... I see your points. What kills me is she gave me all the signs only to get turned down. I feel like I'm a victim of bad timing. I felt so close but for some reason ended up being so far.

[Timbone]

I'd just date other people, ravensfan. Right now, she has you in the Friend Category. That's a hard one to get out of. Keep her as a friend if you like, but my thoughts here are she's only seeing you as a friend. If she really wanted to see someone, she would, if the guy was her type.

 

Sorry to say it that way, but you're better off not trying to date her unless it's something she brings up. Like the others said, be prepared to hear stories of other guys she's dating. If you can't handle that, don't see her as a friend.

[pl3asehelp]

pl3asehelp & goodfoot: ugh... I see your points. What kills me is she gave me all the signs only to get turned down. I feel like I'm a victim of bad timing. I felt so close but for some reason ended up being so far.

 

Yeah, timing is so hard, especially when we're all so impatient. If you had waited a while to tell her, maybe things would be different, like she'd have been more open to the idea. For her, taking some time to be single is probably something she feels she has to do before really feeling like she has a healthy foundation for the next relationship - that's how I'd feel anyhow. If I'd just gotten out of a relationship, even if I thought I'd met the girl of my dreams the next day, I'd not date her because I'd think that I couldn't trust my judgment yet, so yeah, bad timing.

 

If I were you, I think i'd tell her you want more so you'll check back with her in a few months. And totally leave her alone in the meantime, date others, do your own thing, whatever. I think that's the only way you can get out of the friend category - she notices your absence and understands why, because you clearly told her you're into her and want more. And if she starts thinking about you one night and decides to call, well you know right where to go from there, there's no ambiguity about what you want.

[ravensfan]

If I were you, I think i'd tell her you want more so you'll check back with her in a few months. And totally leave her alone in the meantime, date others, do your own thing, whatever. I think that's the only way you can get out of the friend category - she notices your absence and understands why, because you clearly told her you're into her and want more. And if she starts thinking about you one night and decides to call, well you know right where to go from there, there's no ambiguity about what you want.

 

Not a bad idea. Although I don't know if I should explicitly tell her that. As a consequence of meeting her, I ended up meeting her brother and his friends, and regularly hanging out with them. They're actually the main people I hang out with now. Running into her every once in a while will be inevitable because of her brother. Should I just tell her that I still want more, and that I'm just going to give her some extra space to let her do her thing, and that if she ever wants to take up my offer to call me? I can't thank you guys enough for helping me out, this will definitely allow me to move on with my life.

[misssmithviii]

After reading others' insight on the matter, I wouldn't say that her giving you signs was anything much really. There are so many girls (and guys) who are just flirtatious, they don't really know what they want nor what they're ready for but they cannot help but flirt when they are at the very least, physically attracted.

 

Also, I don't have any guy-friends who want to date me - that's just my principle and I feel it would be disrespectful to my boyfriend and myself to associate with a man who sees me as anything more than just a platonic friend. Same goes for my man, he doesn't have any friend-girls who are flirtatious or who have disclosed that they want anything more.

[Clarity]

Not a bad idea. Although I don't know if I should explicitly tell her that. As a consequence of meeting her, I ended up meeting her brother and his friends, and regularly hanging out with them. They're actually the main people I hang out with now. Running into her every once in a while will be inevitable because of her brother. Should I just tell her that I still want more, and that I'm just going to give her some extra space to let her do her thing, and that if she ever wants to take up my offer to call me? I can't thank you guys enough for helping me out, this will definitely allow me to move on with my life.

 

You don't need to tell her that at all, you've already told her multiple times. She knows where you stand.

 

What you need to do, if you really want any chance with her, is to stop being so available and basically look to date others.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but we know this much: she is either on the fence about you (somewhat interested) or not interested at all. If she was really interested, odds are she would date your regardless of just coming out of a relationship. Truth be told, most girls will not pass up their dream guy even if they are just coming out of something emotionally taxing - what's she telling you is most likely a nice way of letting you down.

 

However, even if she is telling you the truth, she'll never have to take any sort of initiative with you if you're constantly there for her as a friend. You need to take the fun you provide in her life away for her to think about how much it means to her. She'll either decide: (a) I liked having him around, maybe I'll date him or (b) he was a good friend, but I'm not interested in anything more.

 

At that point, if you hear from her, you can pursue dating (and don't just go back to her when she inevitably asks the friendship to resume), or if you don't hear from her, you'll know you have no chance and you can decide whether you truly want to be friends with her (with no chance of dating) or not.

 

Above all, start looking for/at other girls to be interested in! All the best!

[ravensfan]

Clarity: I think I'll end up taking your approach. It's funny because although I was straight with her, she hasn't really been straight with me, and that's actually a good method to figure out whether I'm wasting my time or not. I just have a question about communicating with her - should I just pretty much quit talking to her or just stop trying to hang out with her, but talking to her every now and then through chat, text, facebook, etc? I just don't want to come accross like a jerk. Like I said, running into her will be inevitable because of her brother. Thanks again, I actually feel close to figuring this ordeal out.

[Clarity]

Clarity: I think I'll end up taking your approach. It's funny because although I was straight with her, she hasn't really been straight with me, and that's actually a good method to figure out whether I'm wasting my time or not. I just have a question about communicating with her - should I just pretty much quit talking to her or just stop trying to hang out with her, but talking to her every now and then through chat, text, facebook, etc? I just don't want to come accross like a jerk. Like I said, running into her will be inevitable because of her brother. Thanks again, I actually feel close to figuring this ordeal out.

 

I would just stop initiating with her. If she contacts you, be friendly, don't act upset, because you really shouldn't be. Just pursue other parts of your life - hopefully that includes school/work, hobbies, and other girls and that should help you naturally forget about her or the need to be there for her.

[Ms Darcy]

Truth be told, most girls will not pass up their dream guy even if they are just coming out of something emotionally taxing - what's she telling you is most likely a nice way of letting you down.

 

This simply isn't true. The corpses aren't cold on this ex-relationship yet and you are trying to date her. She could also still be hoping to get her ex back. I'm just surprised guys do this. It always makes me suspect the guy isn't interested in a long-term relationship but in a short-term romp while she's vulnerable. I'm not saying this is you, I'm just saying that's what I think when I hear about guys hitting on girls not long after a break up and she even says she's still healing.

[L.Lou]

It sounds to me like she's still not sure whether she has a chance with her "ex," and that's what she means by "needing space." You may want to take a step back, and see if she ends it completely with him, and is on her own and single for a while, before trying to persue anything.

 

pl3asehelp & goodfoot: What kills me is she gave me all the signs only to get turned down. I feel like I'm a victim of bad timing. I felt so close but for some reason ended up being so far.

 

...brother. I'm in THE EXACT same boat. EXACT..to a T! it's unbelievable. So no real advice from me. I'm soaking this post in as well. So I MYSELF, appreciate the comments. lol

[Clarity]

This simply isn't true. The corpses aren't cold on this ex-relationship yet and you are trying to date her. She could also still be hoping to get her ex back. I'm just surprised guys do this. It always makes me suspect the guy isn't interested in a long-term relationship but in a short-term romp while she's vulnerable. I'm not saying this is you, I'm just saying that's what I think when I hear about guys hitting on girls not long after a break up and she even says she's still healing.

 

While there are always exceptions to these generalizations, I stand by it and there is evidence in spades on these forums alone of girls coming out of relationships and entering dating right away. At the very least, if a girl is interested but not ready to date, she will express that interest in less uncertain terms than she has here.

 

Even on the off chance that you're correct and this is why she's holding off, my advice to the OP would remain exactly the same.

[Ms Darcy]

While there are always exceptions to these generalizations, I stand by it and there is evidence in spades on these forums alone of girls coming out of relationships and entering dating right away. At the very least, if a girl is interested but not ready to date, she will express that interest in less uncertain terms than she has here.

 

Even on the off chance that you're correct and this is why she's holding off, my advice to the OP would remain exactly the same.

 

Thanks for telling me how girls think. I'll take notes. Just mosey on over to the 'getting back together' section and poll women to see if they would want their ex back or the 'perfect man.'

 

No one said that some women don't enter into dating right away ... but we often call those rebounds and we often know that they don't last. Cut back to me suspecting that one person is interested in a romp rather than a relationship.

 

BUT, for the most part, we also know that it's not healthy behavior to get into another relationship when you are not ready. To say that she should be ready when she's not is just arrogance and ego on a guy's part thinking he's that perfect one that you were describing.

[Clarity]

Thanks for telling me how girls think. I'll take notes. Just mosey on over to the 'getting back together' section and poll women to see if they would want their ex back or the 'perfect man.'

 

No one said that some women don't enter into dating right away ... but we often call those rebounds and we often know that they don't last. Cut back to me suspecting that one person is interested in a romp rather than a relationship.

 

BUT, for the most part, we also know that it's not healthy behavior to get into another relationship when you are not ready. To say that she should be ready when she's not is just arrogance and ego on a guy's part thinking he's that perfect one that you were describing.

 

I don't presume to speak for all women, nor should you. I'm just going by what I've observed and we've clearly observed different things.

 

Either way, like I said, my advice is the same under either circumstance, he should stop being there for her as a friend if his primary hope is to date her. Do you disagree?

[Gabo]

I don't presume to speak for all women, nor should you. I'm just going by what I've observed and we've clearly observed different things.

 

Either way, like I said, my advice is the same under either circumstance, he should stop being there for her as a friend if his primary hope is to date her. Do you disagree?

 

Look, I am a guy so take my two cents for what its worth:

 

I think that depending on the person, the getting out of a relationship thing can complicate things greatly, I really do. There are some people that get out of a relationship and hop right in; there are other people who are devastated and really need time to clear things out. There are quite a few others who try to hop right in and wind up with a rebound relationship that ends very quickly. It just depends on the situation and the person.

 

On the ultimate advice to the OP: GENERALLY, if you want to date a person, its best not to be friends with them. I would caution anyone, OP included, about pursuing a friendship with someone when they have strong feelings from the start. It can lead to some pretty bad heartbreak. But lets not pretend that friend to girlfriend never happens. The world is full of people who started off friends and developed a relationship.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't presume to speak for all women, nor should you. Either way, like I said, my advice is the same under either circumstance, he should stop being there for her as a friend if his primary hope is to date her. Do you disagree?

 

I don't presume to speak for all women, but I do think your premise is presumptuous. My advice is different. I advise the OP to avoid the faulty thinking that if she thought he was perfect, she would date him. That breeds ego and resentment. I would encourage him to care about her feelings while respecting her own. Since he's not happy with just being friends, admit that and gracefully exit until she's more ready. I don't advocating running off like a petulant child when he didn't get her. There are a like of guys who do just that and I don't advise that.

[pl3asehelp]

BUT, for the most part, we also know that it's not healthy behavior to get into another relationship when you are not ready. To say that she should be ready when she's not is just arrogance and ego on a guy's part thinking he's that perfect one that you were describing.

 

I totally agree with this. If she did decide to start dating you, I'd be worried because I think she'd always see it as the rebound relationship she jumped into and have regrets about it. Like someone else said, don't initiate ANY contact with her. She knows where you stand and this way, when she initiates contact with you, it's crystal clear to both of you what she's opening the door to if/when she does.

[Clarity]

I don't presume to speak for all women, but I do think your premise is presumptuous. My advice is different. I advise the OP to avoid the faulty thinking that if she thought he was perfect, she would date him. That breeds ego and resentment. I would encourage him to care about her feelings while respecting her own. Since he's not happy with just being friends, admit that and gracefully exit until she's more ready. I don't advocating running off like a petulant child when he didn't get her. There are a like of guys who do just that and I don't advise that.

 

So, basically, you agree with my advice (back off, but remain friendly), in a more wordy manner