help

[lunatic]

My problem is when my wife and I fight she is always right. I no matter what I do or how I handle the situation will be apologizing at the end of the day. She tells me I don’t listen to her and that she cannot talk to me. When I sit down and listen to her I hear what she has to say. The problem is when I express my feelings I am wrong. I don’t know what to do about this.

 

Yesterday for example… She went out in the morning to buy food for the week. We have a 10 month old little girl that is teething and not sleeping too good. She went out and when she got home she told me to pick something we can eat for dinner. Well around 6:30 I was installing a network line in by the new TV and Blu-ray player. She got angry that I did not know what I wanted to eat. She then went upstairs and put her shoes on so she could go out to get us food. She asked me what I wanted and I told her the same thing I told her earlier. I don’t know! She then threw up her arms and started crying! Telling me that she asked me to do only one thing today (pick out what I wanted to eat) and I did not do that. She then complained that I only cared about me and the network install could have waited. I lost my cool because I did not know what I did that set her off, As usual. I then reacted poorly and freaked out because I cannot win when it comes to an argument with her.

She threatened to leave with the baby and that she would be contacting a divorce lawyer on Monday. Well that really got to me and I lost it. I did not touch her or lay a finger on her. I flipped out and I told her that I would leave which she told me I did not have to do. She told me all the things I did wrong and how she has a breaking point. That I am sarcastic and mean to her all the time over the last two weeks. Now I swear I did not get sarcastic with her till she threw her hands up in the air and freaked out on me.

 

Now I admit I flipped out and I did apologize to her for freaking out the way I did. I admit I took it too far and should have left when I lost my cool. I only yelled at her venting my frustrations on her that I can do no right in her eyes. I feel like I am always wrong when it comes to our arguments. I have been apologizing to her in the past even when I felt I did no wrong. The whole saying sorry when I don’t feel like I did anything is getting on my nerves. I don’t want a divorce but, I don’t know what to do or where to turn. How can I show her that my feelings have merit like hers do? How do I get her to understand that I get frustrated when I feel like no matter what I do I AM always wrong.

 

Please help! I am at my wits end here and getting to the point that I think divorce is the best thing for all involved. I love her and my daughter very much but, I get so mad sometimes because everything is MY fault!

[Hermes]

unatic: This is very distressing. I would urge you to seek the aid of a counsellor, as soon as possible. You need an objective third party present to hear what you have to say and to "moderate" the exchanges.

 

All the best

Hermes

[annie24]

i agree with the previous poster - sounds like you guys need to get some marital counseling so you can work on repairing your relationship. obviously, something deeper is going on than just saying you want pizza for dinner or whatever.

[SapphireNoir10]

I also suggest marriage counselling of some sort. It sounds like your both at breaking point.

[turnera]

One, you need to become more self-observant, pay attention to what you say, how you say it, why you say it. And decide if it needs work.

 

Two, you are too weak, and she is starting to hate you for it. Most women need their man to be strong. By that, I mean, do NOT apologize to her unless YOU did something wrong. That makes you clingy, and that's not pretty. Also, you need to start getting your own opinions. Would you want to live with a person who has no opinion, doesn't care about stuff, who says "I don't know?" That's not a partner; it's just a warm body. Because you may think you really don't know, but the reality is that you DECIDE not to know so as to avoid confrontation with her. Were you like that when you were dating?

 

Three, you have a baby in the house, and BOTH of you are going to be on edge for a million reasons. You both need to agree to never raise your voice - leave and go for a walk first, ALWAYS listen to each other and repeat what you think the other is saying, so that you are both on the same page.

 

Counselors do this all the time - make you practice repeating back what you heard the other one say. Why? Because it shows how each of us filters what the other says because of our own baggage. You repeat it, she says yes that is what I meant or no that's not what I meant, I meant this.

 

Communication - or improvement of it - is going to be the single most important tool in your marriage. If you two ever get to the point where you feel unsafe talking to the other so you just stop talking - and it sounds like you're there - you're going down the wrong path, which may end in divorce or an affair (with someone who WILL listen to you and hear you).

 

I recommend setting aside an hour a week for relationship talk. Like on Sunday night after kids are asleep. Use a taking stick if you need to, where the person holding the stick has the right to talk and the other has to remain silent until the former is done and hands over the stick. Agree to not argue about relationships the rest of the week; save the issues for Sunday night.

[BellaDonna]

Hi lunatic. I am very sorry to hear this.

 

 

She went out in the morning to buy food for the week. We have a 10 month old little girl that is teething and not sleeping too good

 

This is likely the cause of everything that happened. You are both under a lot of stress, like all new parents. Having a little one at home will put any relationship to the test- especially during the first 3 years. You are starting to turn against one another instead of being a team.

 

My husband and I went through a smiliar phase once we had our son. It sounds like your and your wife do not have a healthy communication pattern. From the encounter you describes, there seems to be a lot of resentment that built up over time, and this event about dinner and the DVD player caused you both to explode.

 

She should have never threatened with divorce and you should have never escalated the situation by flipping out. You 2 need to learn ways to iron out your differences without shooting poison darts at one another. This will be hard to do on your own.

 

I STRONGLY suggest enlisting the help of a marriage counselor. If you are both talking divorce, this is very serious. You don't want to let this blow over because it will just happen again next time. I would say at this point it is an emergency to get some marriage counseling.

 

Do you think your wife may suffer from postpartum depression?

[BellaDonna]

Also, it is SO important to stay connected to one another when a baby is added into the mix. If you can arrange a babysitter, you 2 should have a "date night" every week. Otherwise you will be swallowed up in the drudgery of dinner, teething, diapers, etc- none of those are romantic (unless it is dinner out alone as a couple)

 

Perhaps your "date" time can start off as the time you both put aside to re-connect in marriage counseling. It's worth a try if there is a little baby involved.