Stick with NC or break it for one reason

[MattUK2010]

Hi

Im 22 days into NC, after being 4 weeks with very limited contact - only sorting out things that had to be after the break up.

 

I am strong enough to stick with NC, but I am almost certain that my ex, being as stubborn as she is, will never call again almost to make a point. So I am wanting to make a point myself too right now.

 

I feel like making a call to let her know zero hard feelings from me, and that I'm doing good and moving on. Being positive and up beat, I know I have the strength to do this no problem. As I do to move on without her, but of course if she wanted to talk about trying to work things out, then i'd listen to what she had to say and take baby steps from there, possibly.

 

But my main motive to breaking NC is to say, hey, im alive im doing good and get her thinking about what i'm up to.

 

Is 7-8 weeks of LC then NC enough space and time for me to initiate anything here?

 

Over the weekend I have really come on strong over it all. Been out socialising, meeting new people, enjoying a return to my former life, pre her.

 

What to do though? Ultimately, something inside still tells me she is the one I want to be with, but don't need to be with. And if Im not then hey ho. But I don't want to miss an opportunity to be with her at the same time, by just sticking all out with NC and we both move further apart and move on.

 

I didn't leave things on bad terms, I believe she is the one who has, being the dumper too as she was the one who needed to deal with more issues than I did!

[Weirdmartian]

I'm in the same situation.

 

I'd say - if in doubt, do NC. That's where I am at. Some friends tell me to write her. Others say don't.

 

Go full NC - I mean FULL NC, for 3 weeks. After 3 weeks of NOTHING, she'll be ripe for contact, but you've got to be on top of your game, or you'll screw up. At that point, you can consider trying to see if you guys can hit it off.

[MattUK2010]

Well im just over 3 weeks of full NC, and so was considering making the call. I know I can and will pull it off, as I am confident by nature. What I don't want her thinking is I am in NC as I am down and beat by her leaving, im not. I mean I was for a time, but my head is much clearer now.

[Tangz]

If you contact I think it would be best to do it to 'catch up'. And then keep it that way, i.e do not mention anything about reconciliation or the past relationship or where it went wrong. You say your confident by nature so it should be okay for you. This will show her that your down and out by being in NC but wont piss her off by 'only contacting her to talk about the relationship'.

[MattUK2010]

Interesting Tangz, I don't want to catch up per se. Unless she wants to do so, and we chat a little. I'm trying to break the ice and let her know I am ok and doing going good, but that I am not holding bad feelings towards her and the situation. There will be no talk of reconcilliation or the past though. Not my intention.

Short and sweet, I also would be 110% sure she will not pick up the phone. If she does I bet it will be mistakenly as she has deleted my number or something. As I did hers to avoid temptation of calling, especially when out having beers with friends!

Im happy that I have done just over 3 weeks NC, and 4 weeks prior to that with just 5 texts to arrange sorting a few final things out, no relationship discussion.

 

Edit : whilst saying I dont want to catch up, I do want to try open up dialogue, as given our history and age I see the NC thing as a little childish if Im perfectly honest, as I see her running with it anyway. I don't think it should be fully applied to ALL relationship breakups, they are all different right?

[fLuiD]

The best way to show her that you are doing good, is by not contacting her. Telling her you are doing good will come accross as being a bit egoistic and having the need to tell her how you are doing. If she hasn't asked how you are doing, then she really doesnt care to hear it.

[MattUK2010]

Fluid, ok I came accross incorrectly, she will hear it in my voice, not that I will directly tell her. She knows full well I am naturally a confident and secure guy, a survivor in life. The only change she saw in me was when things went downhill and we both pulled away for a short time only really. Then she became unavailable and I tried to pull her back in, not through begging or neediness, just by communicating but she wouldnt have it.

So my thougts are to make the call, be cool / confident in what I say and see if I get a response. I don't expect her to pick up the phone, bonus if she does, otherwise it's a voice mail.

[iBroken]

Dont do this.......if she wants to know how you are doing, or to get back with you, she will find you.

[MattUK2010]

Dont do this.......if she wants to know how you are doing, or to get back with you, she will find you.

 

iBroken - I'm really interested to hear why you say don't, being a female and all...

[MattUK2010]

Ok, i've been giving this a little more thought. With her few other ex's she has always known what they are upto, where they are, what's going on through family and mutual friends.

With me, there is nothing mutual at all, so I feel in quite a powerful position that she will get to a point to at least make a call, but there is also the doubt that surrounds NC.

 

The biggest kicker is Im a doer in life, and sitting back and doing nothing is hard as hell, 7-8 weeks on, 3-4 of solid NC my gut feeling and instinct says give her a call, feel the situation out... But with the first paragragh in this response, I feel I am in pole position in many respects.

[Tangz]

sorry in this line in my post:

 

"This will show her that your down and out by being in NC but wont piss her off by 'only contacting her to talk about the relationship'."

 

it should have read 'this will show her that your NOT down and out by being in NC'.

 

To me there needs to be a motive in the call, why would you call her out of the blue just say to 'hi' and imply your doing good? She will just think why you called her after 3 or 4 weeks out of the blue to say hi, and if she knows you real well she will probably pick up that your subliminally trying to tell her that 'im okay and im putting it out there, do you want to do anything about it?.

 

By 'catching up' at least you have a motive and a reason to call. Act genuine about it. You will be confident during the call and she will see that you've been doing okay. after the call she will know that you just rang her to say hi how are ya, how you been what you been up 2, and then also pick up that you're okay.

[MattUK2010]

Ok now I'm questioning whether I should break NC or not. Basically all the males that know me say do not, apart from one who happens to be related and is a Relationship Counsellor.

All the females are saying to make contact.

I have to laugh really

 

I just feel by making contact, I will be manning up and showing that I am holdin no bad feelings or 'grudges' if you like. And that is actuallly true. At the same time of course it is to feel out the situation and see if nearly 8 weeks on she has backed down and rationalized a little!

[AutumnBorn]

I'm female. I agree with the guys. Do not initiate contact now. Six months from now maybe yes.

 

Your thinking she doesn't know what you're up to isn't a reason to make contact. She knows you, so she knows you're doing well. What would she perceive to be your reason for calling? Just to say 'hi'? That's not good enough. Do you have something of hers that you need to return? Is there some monetary issue that needs to be resolved? If there's no solid reason, it will appear to be needy, no matter what.

[MattUK2010]

I'm female. I agree with the guys. Do not initiate contact now. Six months from now maybe yes.

 

Your thinking she doesn't know what you're up to isn't a reason to make contact. She knows you, so she knows you're doing well. What would she perceive to be your reason for calling? Just to say 'hi'? That's not good enough. Do you have something of hers that you need to return? Is there some monetary issue that needs to be resolved? If there's no solid reason, it will appear to be needy, no matter what.

 

You know, I hear you, but at the same time I think jesus we are human and we have feelings and we especially I, have a very natural ability to communicate at the right level all the time. Just in what I do in my day job, lead people gives me an ability to read situations, people and communicate with them at the right time. Needy - will it really come accross as that if I just don't bring up the relationship at all? What's done is done, history... but that doesnt mean today and tomorrow I can't or shouldnt do what I naturally do?

/confused lol...