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I wasn't sure where to put this but I thought this might be the most relevant place.


I am meant to be going to a funeral today but when I agreed to go around a week ago, I didn't realise that I had other engagements that I can't cancel.


It's the funeral of the mother of my friend at work and while I was there for her after the death, I was kind of invited to go to the funeral by her daughter.


I don't know what to say to my friends about it. I don't want to lie and make up some excuse, I can't tell the truth because it seems lame. I just want to break it gently.


Does anyone have any suggestions about what I could say?

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Hi Shoe,

To be honest, the funeral is going to be a blur for the family. The last thing they are going to do is look for people who turned up/ didn't turn up.

I would simply call or text and say that they'll all be in your thoughts today but you can't make it and that you will go for coffee sometime this week. If she asks why you can't go, then just say that you can't get out of a personal appointment, and reinstate that you'll be thinking of them at the funeral.


I can't see her being preoccupied with your absence, she will have her head somewhere else today.

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Thanks Stella,


Thats the thing too. I know she is going to be all over the place and will be surrounded by her family. I just didn't want to come off as not caring about it.


This is the reason I wasn't going to go before it was mentioned to me. I have been there to support her but didn't think it was appropriate to go to the funeral anyway as I had never met her mother and didn't know her. I would have gone to support her if she had wated me to but I was asked if I was going by her daughter.

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Its natural for you to feel guilty, but I honestly hand-on-heart don't think she'll be fazed by it. Like I say, either call them up or pass on your condolences to someone else you know is going.


In my experience, I don't agree to go to the funeral of acquaintances families anymore. I have no place there and don't feel comfortable. I will only go for family and friends.

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I agree that when it comes to a funeral, it doesn't really matter who is there and who isn't. To this day I don't know who attended my Mother's funeral and who didn't. And truthfully, don't really care.


Maybe send a floral arrangement to the house, or a fruit basked with a "Will be thinking of you today.." sort of thing and leave it at that.


I wouldn't even express that I cannot attend. Odds are you aren't the only person she invited...I think its the day to day support you do that matters more.

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