Trying to forget him, but can't "connect" with anyone...

[BriarRose]

I just feel like I can't make a connection with anyone. I feel no one will "get" me, and I feel I have nothing in common with anyone I meet. Maybe part of it is because I am older and haven't walked in the shoes of most people my age (i.e. kids, marriage, etc). Of course, I've been through things they haven't, but still - I feel isolated among people my age.

 

I want to forget the last man I was involved with, but it's hard when I can't seem to connect with anyone else.

[bulletproof]

How are you meeting people? How are you spending your spare time? In order to have something in common with people you do meet, you have to know who you are and what your likes and dislikes are. What do you want to have in common with someone?

[penelope13]

It's natural that as long as there is no new person in life to be tempted to see the last person that you were involved with in a more positive light than he deserves. You need to remind yourself that this last guy also didn't get you: he didn't understand that you needed a friend while you were going through something extremely difficult. Don't forget all the negative things about him just because there is no one else at the moment.

 

It's natural to be missing companionship, friendship, physical intimacy, love while you are single - but that doesn't mean that the last guy might be able to provide you with these things.

 

Have faith in yourself and an open mind - then love will find you. I know it's easier said than done. I have not been seriously involved with anyone for a number of years - and all of a sudden I have found love. What helped was remaining positive and recognizing an opportunity as well as being open about being unconventional

[fuddiduddy]

I'm 40 and I seriously doubt that I'll find anyone that'll butter my bread the way the ex did. Physically as well as personality and chemistry--he will be a tough one for any other man to match. I have to believe that there are amazing twists awaiting us in our future. And MissKitty...you should believe this too.

 

I miss him so much.

 

 

[BriarRose]

Thank you for your responses...when I say "things in common", I am referring more to life experiences rather than interests and hobbies. I have not led the life that most 40-somethings have led, and I just feel like an outcast sometimes.

 

Penelope, you are so right about forgetting all his negative qualities just because I get sad or lonely. I need to remind myself of how I was treated.

[sidehop]

That's what makes YOU as a person, it's never a bad thing

[SnowFox]

I read something in a self-help book one time that I think applies here.

 

It said that people who report feeling isolated/disconnected from other people tend to focus too much on the differences they have with others rather than the similarities.

 

I think there is some truth to this.

 

Maybe try an experiment with yourself. For a whole week, every time to you talk to someone else, try to find out at least 3 things you have in common with that person - could be anything from having a favorite TV show to liking pepperoni pizza.

 

Your mind has the ability to hone in on differences and to hone in on similarities. If you focus on the differences, it adds to your emotional pain. So choosing to focus on similarities might be a way to be nicer to yourself.

[marshmlofluff]

Thank you for your responses...when I say "things in common", I am referring more to life experiences rather than interests and hobbies. I have not led the life that most 40-somethings have led, and I just feel like an outcast sometimes.

 

Penelope, you are so right about forgetting all his negative qualities just because I get sad or lonely. I need to remind myself of how I was treated.

 

MissKitty--I often feel the way you do. But I tell myself that sometimes differences can be good; maybe if you find someone who *is* different from you, he can complement you. I have had a strange life, and I am also unusual and a bit of a black sheep in every circle I travel in. I have found some comfort in gravitating towards other people who were a bit unique, though perhaps in different ways than I.

 

Be careful not to compare a connection that you had after meeting someone once with someone whom you knew deeply...the connection has to grow.

 

Lots of love,

Fluff

[Pirouette]

MissKitty--I often feel the way you do. But I tell myself that sometimes differences can be good; maybe if you find someone who *is* different from you, he can complement you.

 

This makes so much sense. I've been struggling with finding a guy, realizing that maybe I'm looking for someone just like me rather than one who complements me.

[BriarRose]

This makes so much sense. I've been struggling with finding a guy, realizing that maybe I'm looking for someone just like me rather than one who complements me.

But I love uniqueness. It's the men I meet that don't appreciate it - who judge me for never having been married or find me flawed somehow because I never had kids. And there is nothing I can do about those things. It's not like they are things I can "work on". They are life experiences that I have never had and most people my age have and can better relate to others who have.

[marshmlofluff]

But I love uniqueness. It's the men I meet that don't appreciate it - who judge me for never having been married or find me flawed somehow because I never had kids. And there is nothing I can do about those things. It's not like they are things I can "work on". They are life experiences that I have never had and most people my age have and can better relate to others who have.

 

Actually, I am sure a lot of men probably see your lack of baggage as an asset.

[BriarRose]

Actually, I am sure a lot of men probably see your lack of baggage as an asset.

No, they find it odd that I never married or had kids. And they see it as a barrier in that I wouldn't have much in common with them. Conversely, I am sure there are women who wouldn't date childless men, either, or men that never married.

[newwave]

No, they find it odd that I never married or had kids. And they see it as a barrier in that I wouldn't have much in common with them. Conversely, I am sure there are women who wouldn't date childless men, either, or men that never married.

 

This is sad to be honest. Not at you, just that there are people that wouldn't date childless, never married people. Maybe since you are never married childless maybe these are the guys you should be looking for. I know these guys are what I want, but people (in real life and online) tell me they don't want commitment, have issues, etc. I don't think that. I think SOME might have issues, but others just for some reason haven't met the one. Even the ones with issues maybe they are or have worked on their issues because I really don't think most people want to be alone.

[BriarRose]

This is sad to be honest. Not at you, just that there are people that wouldn't date childless, never married people. Maybe since you are never married childless maybe these are the guys you should be looking for. I know these guys are what I want, but people (in real life and online) tell me they don't want commitment, have issues, etc. I don't think that. I think SOME might have issues, but others just for some reason haven't met the one. Even the ones with issues maybe they are or have worked on their issues because I really don't think most people want to be alone.

 

No, I would never try to narrow my dating pool to men my age that have never married or had kids. It would just be too small a pool - I have enough trouble now, lol! Besides, it doesn't bother me at all and I love kids (I just don't want any of my own at my age).

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is sad to be honest. Not at you, just that there are people that wouldn't date childless, never married people. Maybe since you are never married childless maybe these are the guys you should be looking for. I know these guys are what I want, but people (in real life and online) tell me they don't want commitment, have issues, etc. I don't think that. I think SOME might have issues, but others just for some reason haven't met the one. Even the ones with issues maybe they are or have worked on their issues because I really don't think most people want to be alone.

 

Next time someone tries to tell you how the never married/no children men must have all kinds of issues tell the person the following: "yes, and we all know that divorced men and divorced men with children are ALL so well-adjusted individuals with absolutely NO commitment issues and character issues!".

[newwave]

Next time someone tries to tell you how the never married/no children men must have all kinds of issues tell the person the following: "yes, and we all know that divorced men and divorced men with children are ALL so well-adjusted individuals with absolutely NO commitment issues and character issues!".

 

Yeah, I've said things like that to people and they've gotten mad. One woman told me that if the guy was so balanced he would have been married like a guy me and her both know. However the guy she mentioned has been married 4 times, 5 kids and has cheating issues. I think all groups of people have issues, some are far worse. A family friend married a guy who was bachelor his entire life and at 50 or so found her. There was nothing wrong with him at all, he was just wrapped into his career and didn't really look for a wife (he was a professor). He's actually the perfect guy on so many levels and I have faith I'll find someone like him. Actually, the guys I've dated with the biggest issues were in fact those guys with exwives and kids.

[BriarRose]

I think anyone can have issues - married, divorced or single. I just get tired of the stigma that there is something wrong with me because I've never had those things at my age - you tell a man, and you can literally see his antennae go up, lol!

[marshmlofluff]

I think anyone can have issues - married, divorced or single. I just get tired of the stigma that there is something wrong with me because I've never had those things at my age - you tell a man, and you can literally see his antennae go up, lol!

 

How strange that anyone would fault you because you never broke your vows and walked away from someone. ](*,)

 

But anyway, maybe when you tell them, you can perhaps explain it, saying that you never met the right person, or you were shy, or the time wasn't right, or all of those things, and that you really do want to be married someday.

 

Because I don't know whether guys are similar, but I know for me my concern when dating older men (late 30s) who haven't been married has been that they are single because inside they don't want to be married, and when the relationship reaches a commitment stage, they will flee headlong into the night. Unfortunately, this has typically been a legitimate concern.

 

However no matter how many times I have been badly burned by such men (twice so far) when someone has nicely explained why they haven't been married as of yet, I have given him a chance. Because I know I myself am single through life circumstance and not because I have issues or am commitmentphobic, so I imagine there are other people in the same boat.

[newwave]

This is what scares me. I think some guys didn't want to be married and do now and others who just never found the right girl and refuse to marry just to marry. Because of guys who really don't want to be married, next guy I date I am going to ask why he's still single (in a subtle way). If he says he never met the right one that is acceptable. A few years ago I met a great guy but he let me know at the time he wasn't interested in getting serious with anyone. We didn't go farther except as friends but just recently found out he's getting married so even the most anti marriage guys SOMETIMES do change.

[snoopydog]

I relate to this as I feel the same since my ex decided to leave me 4 months ago. I still love her and I value the connection we had so deeply. She was perfect. All of which makes finding a replacement rather challenging. I'm just taking each day as it comes and trying to enjoy life as a once again eligible batchelor.

[boowant]

I have a question (hope this doest offend u just wondern) if you was so compatible why are you 2 not together anymore? I have been with my b/f 4 about 5 years and i have thought the same thing if we was to ever break up that i would never find any1 like him! We have our problems but who doesnt we always work it out! We are so exactly the same its crazy!

[BriarRose]

I have a question (hope this doest offend u just wondern) if you was so compatible why are you 2 not together anymore? I have been with my b/f 4 about 5 years and i have thought the same thing if we was to ever break up that i would never find any1 like him! We have our problems but who doesnt we always work it out! We are so exactly the same its crazy!

Probably the distance. I'm not a big believer in LDR's working out, based on my experiences.

 

And no, I'm not offended at all

[boowant]

Probably the distance. I'm not a big believer in LDR's working out, based on my experiences.

 

And no, I'm not offended at all

 

O i see hun didnt know there was distance here i understand now~ I think its gonna be hard to find the same connection w/ someone else.I dont want to change the things in my life with him! So i so understand where u are coming from! But you never know my b/f came out of the blue so mayb there is hope! Best wishes