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I'm scared of what might happen tomorrow.


czjnkn

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I meeting her tomorrow for a drink and to give her the money I owe her. I initially was very excited because I was certain this was going to be a closure point.

 

I figure I'm going to be able to see if there's still the possibility of another chance or it's going to be certain there's no future with us. The more and more I think about it, I'm not sure what kind of answer I'm going to get.

 

I planned on going in getting the finance portion out of the way and then just try to have fun with her, joke around, and flirt without getting into relationship talk. I'm scared not bringing it up at all will give her a "just friends" feeling. At the same time, I don't want to scare her away with talk of trying again.

 

As much as I'm looking forward to having an answer and closure tomorrow, I'm scared too. I'm ready to accept that she's moved on and refuses to reconcile if that's the case, but at the same time I'm scared to hear it. And who knows, maybe things will go well but more than likely, they wont.

 

I just need to calm down. I feel like tomorrow is going to be the first day of the rest of my life, because I've decided that tomorrow is the day to figure out where this is going...

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Yeah that's the way I feel if my ex ever even does ask me to hang out ever again. I know i'd want a for sure answer and base the rest of my choices on that initial meet up. Mine hasn't even happened yet, and i don't even know if she even will ask me to hang out...but for some reason I'm still worried about that day! weird huh.

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I don't think it's weird. It really feels like everything involving us, is riding on how well this meeting goes. I don't think it's strange to be scared of what might happen, but I want it to stop, so I know I can keep myself confident for the duration of the meeting.

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I think I'm understanding you right, but just in case, I wouldn't actually bring up anything about getting together tomorrow. Just have fun, don't push anything and enjoy yourself, ok? Try to go in expectation-less. Putting all your emotional eggs in this one meet-up basket is gonna put a lot of pressure on YOU, and you won't be you-you, you'll be an anxious nervous version of you.

 

Fresh off my first one-on-one with my ex in over 2 months, I'll tell you this. I went in with NO expectations whatsoever other than to just have a good time and catch up--in fact I was sure I was largely over him. That made it a lot easier for me to relax and have fun and joke around, but *still* after i dropped him off I teared up a bit (tho that might've had to do with the song he had playing on loop, I dunno

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Well we've been broken up about 7 months now and I haven't actually been one on one with her in 4 months, I think that's part of the nervewracking. Also, the fact that it's been 7 months makes me feel this is kind of a last chance for us.

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Miss meh could you see yourself hanging out with him again and starting to like him again even though you thought you were largely over him? I could see this happening with me if i meet up with her at some point.

 

Yes, absolutely. I'm at a place where I might *like* to have a relationship with him, but not at a place where I feel like I *need* it in that way you feel right after a breakup, and I think that's really important to 1) be that healed up to try and have ANY relationship with an ex, and 2) to even have the vaguest possibility of reconciliation (something I wouldn't mind happening but am not holding my breath for).

 

My relationship I think is a lot different from a lot of the ones you see in this forum inso much as that it wasn't several years (8 mos), we didn't live together etc., but I treat him much more like some random guy I have crush on, and that seems to work for ME. I won't hijack this thread with details (maybe I'll make one of my own, hehe), but getting to a place where I was even REALLY comfortable being around him in the sense that I wasn't all hung upon the outcome and could just be myself took me 2.5 months.

 

I really feel like, for any good reconciliation to occur, a dumpee NEEDS to be at that point where they've actually let go and CAN just be themselves again.

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Try flirting with her...really, bring the flirt on and see how she responds to it body language-wise. That way you can gauge how she feels without talking heavily into it, if you're getting good vibes then maybe at the end try to arrange another meet up? I would try to avoid seeming like just a friend at all costs.

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Try flirting with her...really, bring the flirt on and see how she responds to it body language-wise. That way you can gauge how she feels without talking heavily into it, if you're getting good vibes then maybe at the end try to arrange another meet up? I would try to avoid seeming like just a friend at all costs.

 

This is basically exactly what I plan to do. I think there are two variables that i may have problems with though. First, this meeting was supposed to happen 3 weeks ago and had nothing to do with the money. Now it seems like the only reason we're meeting up, is so she can get the money. She said "we can meet for a drink and i can get the money then". Because of that, I feel like I'm dealing with limited time. I have a feeling it will be ONE drink and she'll say she has to go. Much of the time I'm sure will be consumed with the "how are you doing", "how's work", etc. So I'm not exactly sure where to throw the flirting in there with the limited time.

 

The second problem I envision is, how do I move from talking about money, to work, to flirting? I guess maybe i forgot how to with her. i just need to do something that makes it clear that I'm in it to try again, without actually saying I want to try again. Something that keeps me out of the "friend-zone" and something that can lead into me asking her to hang out again.

 

Also, if I can get to the point of asking her out again, should I ask if I could take her to dinner next week or should it be something less "date-like". I was thinking if all went good by the end, I'd just come out and ask if I could take her on a date next week instead of playing around with the "hangout" stuff.

 

Any suggestions?

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I think you should drop this idea of "flirting," because she's going to know what you're trying to do, and it will not serve you well. It'll only send (yet another) signal that you're trying to pursue her and that she holds all the decision-making power. You run a very-real risk of making a fool of yourself.

 

I think you'd acquit yourself much better if you simply kept your composure (and dignity) and sent the non-verbal message that you have you're life together now and you're moving forward just fine, thanks.

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I think you should drop this idea of "flirting," because she's going to know what you're trying to do, and it will not serve you well. It'll only send (yet another) signal that you're trying to pursue her and that she holds all the decision-making power. You run a very-real risk of making a fool of yourself.

 

I think you'd acquit yourself much better if you simply kept your composure (and dignity) and sent the non-verbal message that you have you're life together now and you're moving forward just fine, thanks.

 

Well in all reality, I do have my life together now. I have taken 7 months to get my head together, regain my confidence, address problems, etc. I can live without her and be happy. I've been doing that. I've dated other girls, had short relationships, etc. However, no one seems to quite fit like she did.

 

I'd love for this to go perfect, we take things slow, see each other in a new light and start a new, even better relationship than we had. At the same time, I know that might be a longshot, but I feel I need to take a chance.

 

If I stay back and reserved and don't flirt or show some kind of interest in being together again, I assume she'll take it just as you said. That I've moved on, that I have no interest in being together and that I'm fine being friends. I don't see how that'll work in trying to rekindle the relationship.

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If I stay back and reserved and don't flirt or show some kind of interest in being together again, I assume she'll take it just as you said. That I've moved on, that I have no interest in being together and that I'm fine being friends. I don't see how that'll work in trying to rekindle the relationship.

I don't think it could be anymore clear -- perhaps she'll want you because she'll know you're not so easy after all. Making yourself utterly available is an utter turnoff.

 

Don't discount the concept of "relationship power." If you continue to concede all the power to her -- and let's not kid ourselves, the power has been 100 percent with her so far -- then you'll have close to zero chance of regaining her interest. She already knows you didn't want to break up. She already knows you wanted to make things right. Now she needs to see another side of you, the side that says she needs to rekindle your interest.

 

And don't put so much stock into tonight. You're not going to work miracles in one sitting. Think of it as planting a seed of "what if" in her mind. It might work. But it's gonna need time to grow yet.

 

On the other hand, if you simply start chasing her after she once kicked you to the curb -- and in a meeting ostensibly about settling money matters, no less -- then you're likely to acquit yourself very poorly. It might look like some kinda cheesy ambush. I can just hear her saying, "Look, sorry, but I think maybe you have the wrong idea ..."

 

Now's the time for you to be composed, and part of being composed is leaving the first moves to her. If she initiates interest with you, then by all means reciprocate. But if you start things, be prepared for humiliation.

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Think of it this way man. If she likes hanging out with you again and you prove something to her....She will be the one to reach out to you perhaps. Maybe with that was fun, let's hang out again sometime. It doesn't even have to be flirtatious...just that you guys would want to hang out again is a good sign.

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The only problem I'm having with this is, letting her doing the reaching out or saying "maybe we can hang out sometime again" leaves it very open ended. I was hoping to have some closure today. Something that says, there's a chance and it's worthwhile to keep at this to try and get back with her or, it's never going to happen and forget it.

 

If we just hang out for a drink, catch up, and say bye that leaves it all up in the air and who knows what she's thinking. It's already been 7 months and letting it go much longer just seems like it'll be too long.

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I was hoping to have some closure today.

 

If we just hang out for a drink, catch up, and say bye that leaves it all up in the air and who knows what she's thinking. It's already been 7 months and letting it go much longer just seems like it'll be too long.

 

Well, if you want closure, then just ask her about reconciliation and "lay it all out on the table"...this was said to you by Ms. Darcy in another thread.

 

Otherwise, you have to play the game of being nonchalant....and working this way on an ex takes time and a lot of emotional control...which is not worth it IMO.

 

Based on your responses from your previous threads, are you expecting her to say something like, "Hey, you've changed so much...let's start over."

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Well, if you want closure, then just ask her about reconciliation and "lay it all out on the table"...this was said to you by Ms. Darcy in another thread.

 

Otherwise, you have to play the game of being nonchalant....and working this way on an ex takes time and a lot of emotional control...which is not worth it IMO.

 

Based on your responses from your previous threads, are you expecting her to say something like, "Hey, you've changed so much...let's start over."

 

Well if being non-chalant and controlling my emotions would lead to reconciliation for sure, of course it'd be worth it and I'd do it in a heartbeat, but the uncertainty and thought of another few months going by with uncertainty would wear on me quickly.

 

I believe laying it all out on the table wouldn't work either because how is she supposed to believe anything is different and that what happened before wouldn't just happen again?

 

I don't expect her to just say "you changed so much, let's start over" but maybe see some change in me in our meeting, which could lead to another meeting/date whatever so that she can see all the areas in which I've made improvement in my life. I know it'd be slowly and over time. I guess, I just want to know if she still has feelings for me from this meeting to know if I should continue to pursue or just back away.

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The only problem I'm having with this is, letting her doing the reaching out or saying "maybe we can hang out sometime again" leaves it very open ended. I was hoping to have some closure today. Something that says, there's a chance and it's worthwhile to keep at this to try and get back with her or, it's never going to happen and forget it.

I don't believe anyone here wants "closure." I think that's something people just say. And I really don't think she's meeting you to decide anything profound, so it'd be a big mistake to push the matter.

 

I've been through reconciliations before, and both times they began vaguely, with open-ended "maybe/maybe-not" posturing on both sides.

 

Well if being non-chalant and controlling my emotions would lead to reconciliation for sure, of course it'd be worth it and I'd do it in a heartbeat, but the uncertainty and thought of another few months going by with uncertainty would wear on me quickly.

Understandable, but life is wrought with uncertainties, and you can't force them to go away. Do you really think you're going to suddenly get a definitive reaction from her today? The best you can probably do is to behave yourself and hope to leave a lasting positive impression.

 

I don't expect her to just say "you changed so much, let's start over" but maybe see some change in me in our meeting, which could lead to another meeting/date whatever so that she can see all the areas in which I've made improvement in my life. I know it'd be slowly and over time. I guess, I just want to know if she still has feelings for me from this meeting to know if I should continue to pursue or just back away.

You've got the right idea! Just be smart, be patient and hope the image of you (the thoughtful, "together" you) will ferment in her mind.

 

Good luck. I wish I were having a drink with my ex tonight.

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I don't believe anyone here wants "closure." I think that's something people just say. And I really don't think she's meeting you to decide anything profound, so it'd be a big mistake to push the matter.

 

I've been through reconciliations before, and both times they began vaguely, with open-ended "maybe/maybe-not" posturing on both sides.

 

 

Understandable, but life is wrought with uncertainties, and you can't force them to go away. Do you really think you're going to suddenly get a definitive reaction from her today? The best you can probably do is to behave yourself and hope to leave a lasting positive impression.

 

 

You've got the right idea! Just be smart, be patient and hope the image of you (the thoughtful, "together" you) will ferment in he mind.

 

Good luck. I wish I were having a drink with my ex tonight.

 

So if the meeting ends up going well, do you think it'd be too much to ask her hang out again sometime soon?

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So if the meeting ends up going well, do you think it'd be too much to ask her hang out again sometime soon?

This part is tricky. If, by the end, you think it went especially well (but you'll have to be honest with yourself on that), maybe you ask her then and there to do something in the future. But I think that's wildly risky.

 

Even if all does go well, I say (composed guy that you are) that you wait at least a week (maybe two) before you ask her to do something. In the interim, nothing -- no e-mail, no text, no nothing. And who knows? Maybe she'll contact you.

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This part is tricky. If, by the end, you think it went especially well (but you'll have to be honest with yourself on that), maybe you ask her then and there to do something in the future. But I think that's wildly risky.

 

Even if all does go well, I say (composed guy that you are) that you wait at least a week (maybe two) before you ask her to do something. In the interim, nothing -- no e-mail, no text, no nothing. And who knows? Maybe she'll contact you.

 

I'm pretty much in this spot right now (we met up yesterday) and I really have to agree.

 

Our meetup went really well, but I'm definitely not in the mindset of 'us' starting over anytime soon. The first meeting, even if it goes well, is going to be a negotiation. I don't mean a verbal one, I just mean that you're going to be feeling each other out a bunch. Do not expect instantaneous results. Just go with the flow.

 

I'm going to give you some post-meetup advice based on how I'm feeling right now. I left hanging out feeling pretty solid, and importantly like my head was right in the right place. But I was still a little sad. Expect the day after to be hard, because it's really really going to bring home that you aren't together. It's gonna be hard not to contact them right away and fall into the trap of treating it like everything else. Make sure you have stuff planned for the next day the very least to keep you busy.

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Here is what I would do, keep in mind, this is very general, but If I were the dumpee, here is how I'd play it. Let's say I were to meet up with my ex, have a great time, chemistry is flowing, flirting is going great, you can just tell that you guys are "clicking." Personally, I wouldn't ask for a 2nd date! Just because the dumper has opened up a bit, and hung out with you, doesn't mean you have fully proved to them you are moved on, or independent. If the meet-up went well enough, the dumper will more than likely ask for a 2nd date. Again, you want to avoid sounding over interested or desperate. Honestly, I think it's harder to hold on contacting or asking to hang out once you have that first meet-up post break up, than it is to just go straight NC after a break up. Reason being, is now you have an actual reason to call them, the chemistry was there, you got along great, why shouldn't you call them, you'll rationalize. But you need to remember, you were still the dumpee, they were still the one that at one time said they no longer needed your services. I'm not saying play hard to get, or play games, I'm not even close to suggesting that. What I am saying, is you should wait for them to make the first contact post first meet-up, and probably wait for them to ask when you're available again to hang out. This saves you from rejection, looking desperate, and it let's them know that you 2 can have a great time together, and it isin't going to send you into a tizzy and off the wall again. Remember, if the meet-up went well enough, they WILL contact you, and they WILL ask you to hang out again. Just hang strong until then, and cross that bridge when you get there.

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