When To Disclose???

[Hopelives]

I have had a rather horrific few years post telling my company to restate the financial reports to the SEC. The end result is the loss of my home and filing of bankruptcy.

 

My income prior to that was mid-200s. Sufficient to say, with the above info, I'm far below that and honestly, am a poor college student again.

 

I've been introduced to someone who has a professional life akin to mine from a few years ago. He has never had to weather the storms that I did, nor has he known anyone who did.

 

He inquired about the reasons why I chose to go back to med school and I was evasive thinking first few dates are not the time to let him know my past.

 

So my question is, then when? A month or so? Two months or so?

 

What I don't want is this guy to start really digging me then freak out and leave when I tell him the truth; by the same token, I don't want to tell him too early and find out he's like "woooooah! that's a lotta info I don't need to know yet."

 

Help? BTW, I also have to tell him, if I keep dating him, that my first son died of SIDS and would be 24 now... he knows there is a story around my ugrad GPA but not to the extent of that knowledge.

 

Help? and thank you!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You could have simply told him the line of work you were in before was going well for a number of years and that bottomed out so you decided to take the opportunity to change career tracks. No need to get into specifics at this point in time.

[Hopelives]

You could have simply told him the line of work you were in before was going well for a number of years and that bottomed out so you decided to take the opportunity to change career tracks. No need to get into specifics at this point in time.

CAD, that's what I did. I told him sometimes hurricanes come in life and that the best one can do is find a solid piece of banister to hang onto until the storm passes. When it did, I chose to go to med school.

 

But when do I tell him the real truth?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I really think you need to play it by ear and see how things are going. It is difficult to say 1 month, 2 months etc. You have to see how the relationship is progressing. if your financial situation is not secure I am sure there are little things you can say to tip him off that you suffered a financial setback without giving all the details immediately.

[Lucius]

I don't think any of these things need to be disclosed on any sort of a time-line. If I were the guy, I wouldn't be "freaked out" by any of this - but I would think it odd if you confessed these things to me as some sort of guilty truth. It's not really his business at this point. You can tell him more as you feel like it, and as it becomes relevant.

[Hopelives]

Well, I did tell him when my 2007 Escalade was deemed a lemon by GM and went back that I really wanted the "baby" Lincoln but settled on the Mercury I drive. I think, anyone would gather there were other reasons behind that decision.

 

Honestly, I don't figure this will go anywhere as my heart is elsewhere, but he is a very polite man and fun to hang out with... and he, himself, is just freshly-ink-signed divorced.

[Hopelives]

I don't think any of these things need to be disclosed on any sort of a time-line. If I were the guy, I wouldn't be "freaked out" by any of this - but I would think it odd if you confessed these things to me as some sort of guilty truth. It's not really his business at this point. You can tell him more as you feel like it, and as it becomes relevant.

Would it be wrong to answer directly in a few weeks or so, if he asks again?

 

I deferred the ugrad GPA question saying that was like a month or two from now to explain.

 

The foreclosure and bankruptcy bothers me much more. He is ... beyond wealthy... which is another reason I don't want to tell him for fear that 1) he'll think me some gold digger (I'm not) or 2) he'll feel compelled to help me (which I don't want either - I dug my hole, I'll crawl right out of it as well).

[Lucius]

Would it be wrong to answer directly in a few weeks or so, if he asks again?

 

I deferred the ugrad GPA question saying that was like a month or two from now to explain.

 

The foreclosure and bankruptcy bothers me much more. He is ... beyond wealthy... which is another reason I don't want to tell him for fear that 1) he'll think me some gold digger (I'm not) or 2) he'll feel compelled to help me (which I don't want either - I dug my hole, I'll crawl right out of it as well).

 

If he assumes you're a "gold digger" (despite being a hard worker and diligent student) merely because he's wealthy and you've had a tough break, then he's an idiot. If he's an idiot, you don't want him. So neglect that fear. Determine what you think is an appropriate level of disclosure as you go - and base that on the Golden Rule, not on your insecurities or the ambiguous fear of how he might react.

 

For myself, during the early stages of dating (etc), I'd want someone to tell me as much about themselves, at all times, as they are comfortable and happy to. As things become more serious, you can divulge more sensitive information (if you've not already) as it seems pertinent.

 

My two cents.

[BriarRose]

I agree with Lucius that there is no set time. You should divulge this information as your relationship grows. It sounds like it is in its infancy right now, so it would be understandable if you choose to wait awhile.

[tf987]

Well, I did tell him when my 2007 Escalade was deemed a lemon by GM and went back that I really wanted the "baby" Lincoln but settled on the Mercury I drive. I think, anyone would gather there were other reasons behind that decision.

 

What exactly are you worried about disclosing? Your now lower income? Your bankruptcy? The fact that you like Escalades?

 

In a day and age when fortune 500 companies declare bankruptcy and get baled out by taxpayers - I would not sweat a personal bankruptcy - I've never been there but I know people that have. Get over it, the day of victorian economics and the associated guilt/shame died well into the former century.

 

If I were him - I'd be far more alarmed that you were name dropping car models than I would about how much you used to earn compared to how much you earn now...

[BriarRose]

What exactly are you worried about disclosing? Your now lower income? Your bankruptcy? The fact that you like Escalades?

 

In a day and age when fortune 500 companies declare bankruptcy and get baled out by taxpayers - I would not sweat a personal bankruptcy - I've never been there but I know people that have. Get over it, the day of victorian economics and the associated guilt/shame died well into the former century.

If I were him - I'd be far more alarmed that you were name dropping car models than I would about how much you used to earn compared to how much you earn now...

It is very true that bankruptcy does not have the stigma that it used to, especially these days.

[Hopelives]

What exactly are you worried about disclosing? Your now lower income? Your bankruptcy? The fact that you like Escalades?

 

If I were him - I'd be far more alarmed that you were name dropping car models than I would about how much you used to earn compared to how much you earn now...

Yes, the bankruptcy. He is an executive.

My now lower income, no, I'm a pre-med student; I'm sure he has that aspect all figured out.

 

As to the name-dropping on the Escalade, it came up in conversation. For the record, he owns a Porsche Carrera GT, an Audi R8, and his day car is an S600 Mercedes. My Escalade means nothing to him.

 

Thankfully, he does not appear to be an egotistical, self-centered jerk. Which is just another reason I want to tread carefully, and lightly.

[Hopelives]

It is very true that bankruptcy does not have the stigma that it used to, especially these days.

It does for me, that's the part that is difficult.

 

My bk was due to the Escalade and GM filing bankruptcy which meant the bank came and repo'd the heap of junk that would die on the road when I drove it. Later, after GM filed bankruptcy, they offered to buy it back from the bank to clear my credit but the bank refused, and instead, came after me for the $58k owing on it. My bk was also due to extensive medical bills related to my son where the two insurance companies (my son's father carried insurance as did I) could not agree on who owed who what, so the medical facilities and I got caught in the middle with the medical facilities coming after me for the money owed. Last, the bk allowed me to keep my home for another 2 months.

 

Since, the bank for the mortgage had erroneously sent me a letter in early November 2009 stating I had a new mortgage and new rate starting January 1, 2010, I presumed I was out of foreclosure. However, when I went to make the payment at the bank, I was told there was an error and that in fact, the bank had foreclosed on my home in September 2009 (yes, really - two months before the letter was dated and sent stating otherwise). I went from making a payment to needing to be out of the house in less than 60 days... which is a whole other story.

 

Anyway, the bk helped me get a few more months to get my stuff out of my former home.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, the bankruptcy. He is an executive.

My now lower income, no, I'm a pre-med student; I'm sure he has that aspect all figured out.

 

As to the name-dropping on the Escalade, it came up in conversation. For the record, he owns a Porsche Carrera GT, an Audi R8, and his day car is an S600 Mercedes. My Escalade means nothing to him.

 

Thankfully, he does not appear to be an egotistical, self-centered jerk. Which is just another reason I want to tread carefully, and lightly.

 

A wealthy man and his status symbols! Perhaps your bankruptcy might help you find out just what HIS personality is like...he may seem like a nice guy now because you don't know him...but over time you will be able to judge if he is all about flash cars and material possessions or if he is truly an understanding, down-to-earth, compassionate man.

[citymouse]

If he assumes you're a "gold digger" (despite being a hard worker and diligent student) merely because he's wealthy and you've had a tough break, then he's an idiot. If he's an idiot, you don't want him. So neglect that fear. Determine what you think is an appropriate level of disclosure as you go - and base that on the Golden Rule, not on your insecurities or the ambiguous fear of how he might react.

 

 

I agree with Lucius....

 

OP, I am sort of in the same boat as you. I've been dating my guy for four months and this weekend I made a spur of the moment decision to tell him that I recently had a foreclosure. He didn't react as if he was overly concerned, didn't ask for any of the gory details, and he was super affectionate the rest of the weekend, so I guess it's OK?

 

I think in a way he kind of knew. He knew I used to have a house and that I moved out, into the studio where I'm living now, two years ago. Doh... it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. Maybe your guy kind of knows on some level, too.

 

My guy is well off too, though I think not in the same bracket as the guy you're seeing. But still, it's lopsided between us. He is well off and financially secure, has multiple sources of income from properties and investments -- and then there's me, LOL...

 

My situation is extremely complicated but without going into all the details, I'm consulting with an attorney about doing a bankruptcy right now. I can only imagine how this will play out in the coming months if b/f and I continue to get serious.

 

The bottom line is that if a guy really loves you, ultimately the financial aspect will sort itself out. I truly believe that. For example I used to be well off and had substantial savings and home equity at one point; if I had met the right guy, and he happened to have financial problems, I would have had no problem with that, as long as he were working actively to resolve the problems.

[Hopelives]

I agree with Lucius....

 

OP, I am sort of in the same boat as you.

Thank you... it helps to know I'm not alone in this plight.

 

We'll see. Our dating is very, very new and I'm not sure where it will go (ala - my heart still belongs to my ex but I must move on).

 

However, at some point, if we continue to even be friends, I will need to let him know so that it is not a complete shock.