Why I can't hold eye contact with women I find attractive?

[solsticefall]

I am smart and successful. I drive a nice car. I own a nice house. I'm an outgoing person around people I know and I'm warm and friendly to people I don't know, so I wouldn't call myself a shy person. I know that I have a *lot* to offer a woman. And deep down I believe that I -deserve- a smart, kind, and attractive woman.

 

But if I'm even moderately attracted to a woman, I can't look her in the eyes for very long before strong feelings of unworthiness ("I'm not good enough"; "she won't like me") and intimidation ("girls that look like her have never liked me, so she won't either") flood me causing my eyes to break contact and drop to the floor. And once there, I can't re-establish eye contact for more than a second at a time, if that. It's even worse if I suspect that she's attracted to me; I feel kind of like I'm ashamed that I find her attractive.

 

Even in the moment I realize what I'm doing and I try to dig deep and force myself to hold eye contact a little longer but can't seem to do it. And if I do, then I freak myself out thinking I'm making her feel uncomfortable or I'm being intimidating by staring at her too long. And then I feel a combination of shame and the sense that I was just caught doing something wrong. And then I want to escape.

 

It's all so awkward. But it really bothers me because I feel like I'm going through life without the capability of making a connection with women I find attractive. I've watched how naturally other guys can hold eye contact with attractive women - it doesn't faze them at all. But I can't seem to do it.

 

Please help me figure this out. Why, regardless of my accomplishments in life and all that I know I have to offer, can't I do this? And how can I fix it?

[glucoze]

um i think you are somewhat shy. that or no self-confidence, regardless of all the good material things you seem to have/ "accomplish".

[In the Dark]

Probably fear.

Fear they are going to notice you are finding them attractive just by the way you look at them or fear that they will give you the ew look.

Better not to look straight at her face and see it than to look and know.

[solsticefall]

"It's even worse if I suspect that she's attracted to me; I feel kind of like I'm ashamed that I find her attractive."

 

I think there's more to this statement that I need to explore. Why do I feel ashamed that I find a woman attractive? I can understand feeling shy... but *ashamed*? Like I'm not allowed to feel that way and it's wrong that I do.

 

I wish I knew why.

[In the Dark]

It's pressure!

 

When you know they are in to you, there is even more pressure to play the BS game.

Wondering if what you say is going to tick the boxes or not.

 

I don't play those games, if i get any hints of it, I just walk off.

 

Not wasting my time playing any guessing games.

[Hikapo]

"It's even worse if I suspect that she's attracted to me; I feel kind of like I'm ashamed that I find her attractive."

 

I think there's more to this statement that I need to explore. Why do I feel ashamed that I find a woman attractive? I can understand feeling shy... but *ashamed*? Like I'm not allowed to feel that way and it's wrong that I do.

 

I wish I knew why.

 

 

Do you feel you are not good enough for her?

Do you feel that they might take offense if you show interest?

 

I think its your inner self confidence messing with your head.

 

You already have a good job and you are also financially stable. I think you just have to focus on working on your shyness and you will be a BEAST!!!

 

Try visualizing yourself talking to women that you find attractive. You envision yourself talking to them confidently and holding strong eye contact. Repeat till you get a strong desire to do it in real life.

 

As you think you will become what you are.

 

If you see those great athletes, they dream about being the best. Tiger Woods didn't became great because he only practiced golfing. He DREAMS about being the No. 1 golfer.

 

I am sure you have envisioned yourself with a nice car, that is why you have one. That desire, drive is what propel you to work hard to get the car. Try applying that to woman. I hoped that helped.

[solsticefall]

Do you feel you are not good enough for her?

Do you feel that they might take offense if you show interest?

 

I know in my heart that I am good enough. But yes, I think I do fear that women take offense that I find them attractive.

 

I know it sounds stupid, but deep down I feel like I'm not allowed to 'show my cards' or I'll be judged, ignored, and avoided.

 

It just feels so awkward to let women know that I'm into them. I mean, what do you say? "Wow. I'm really attracted to you. Would you like to have dinner sometime?" That kind of statement would scare them away.

 

Thanks for your replies. It gives me something to critically think about.

[Longblackhair]

I've had this very same experience with a few guys and I thought they were doing this because they thought I was too ugly to look at face to face. I didn't understand why they would try to initiate a conversation with me then couldn't look me in the face for long. I thought I was deformed looking. One guy kept looking down or looking at the wall when he spoke to me. it was very strange. i thought it was because I was ugly to him. Maybe its because they are shy like you and felt intimidated?

 

just work on this. because when the guy who couldnt look me in the face kept doing this, it caused me to feel insecure and kinda angry. i just kept wondering why did he keep looking at the wall or roaming his eyes all over the place like that. it was strange. then i saw him go over and sit next to another girl and act normal around her.

 

a lot of girls dont know how attractive they are to guys or are not aware of how they appear to them. i know i am not so sure of myself.

[shytoaggressor]

You described exactly how I have been feeling towards my boss in the last two months. I am a woman and I am so attracted to her. We are in our late 40's. I am married to a man. From the replies here, I realized it could be that I was afraid of rejection, embarrassed and pressured. I believe my boss knows that I am attracted to her. When I cannot look at her, I interpret that as I am attracted to her, and when she can't look at me, I interpret that as I make her uncomfortable instead of interpreting it as she may like me too. So, it must be true that I am not confident just like one of the replies you received here.

[radiohead20]

If you are ugly or average, attractive girls won't care and are probably relieved you aren't looking them in the eyes with confidence.

 

If you are good-looking (which you might be I dont know), these same girls are probably just as nervous or assume that you are not into them.

 

 

I am the same as you. Accomplished a ton but nothing I did helped with women. Even after making eye contact, smiling, and flirting and becoming someone they find fun to hang out with, they still choose other men over me, men who are shyer and have accomplished less than me. I think it is all because of looks. looks matter way more than people say, to women, especially of this generation.

 

I would say the only way to find out which "bucket" is to build confidence, make random conversations, try making eye contact. IT's very tough and feels "awkward" at first, but the more you do it the more natural it feels. then if they seem into you and are around you a lot then congrats, you are one of the fortunate ones.

[Sportster2005]

"It's even worse if I suspect that she's attracted to me; I feel kind of like I'm ashamed that I find her attractive."

 

I think there's more to this statement that I need to explore. Why do I feel ashamed that I find a woman attractive? I can understand feeling shy... but *ashamed*? Like I'm not allowed to feel that way and it's wrong that I do.

 

I wish I knew why.

 

You'll have to get out of your comfort zone and force yourself to do it. There is no other solution.

 

If a woman finds you attractive she will be flattered and maintain the eye contact, and try to repeat it. If she doesn't she'll just look away quickly. The shame may be because you think your not allowed to hit on women?? Bull. It's what we do. Just back off if you get rejected. It's no big deal.

[Sportster2005]

 

I am the same as you. Accomplished a ton but nothing I did helped with women. Even after making eye contact, smiling, and flirting and becoming someone they find fun to hang out with, they still choose other men over me, men who are shyer and have accomplished less than me. I think it is all because of looks. looks matter way more than people say, to women, especially of this generation.

 

I would say the only way to find out which "bucket" is to build confidence, make random conversations, try making eye contact. IT's very tough and feels "awkward" at first, but the more you do it the more natural it feels. then if they seem into you and are around you a lot then congrats, you are one of the fortunate ones.

 

IMHO your second paragraph is more correct and important than your first. Looks help, but make no mistake, it's game and confidence, not what you acquire or how you look.

[Mike414]

Myself and countless other men have this same problem. Don't let TV and movies fool you. There are probably a lot more insecure, scared guys when it comes to women then there are players. I assume this only happens to you around women that are complete strangers. Have you ever been attracted to someone in your social network that you had the chance to get to know and develop feelings for? Did you have the same problem?

 

It is the fear or rejection (aka failure) that holds you back in my opinion. You probably aren't accustom to failing and prefer not to meet failure anytime soon. I would rather go home alone then chance embarrassment, anger, depression, and the multitude of other emotions that can arise from rejection. I can't help but take it very personally.

 

I haven't been able to overcome this fear just yet but I find a lot more success by getting to know people through my network of friends and family. Being "set up" isn't for everyone but I feel it takes a lot of pressure off of me if both of us understand what we are there for. I may still get rejected but it is usually further down the line and not right off the bat and thus at least I got the chance. For me it is a lot easier that way.