I want to leave my wife and kids for the OW but don't know how

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

It is truly a case of- if you know you have many needs and wants that you won't settle for not fulfilling, do not have kids. It is most obviously too late, but maybe someone will read this and really think. Kids and family are tremendously time consuming and often not "fun". It is hard work to raise children and have a spouse.

[Speranza]

The 'Balance' you seek implies that your wife & childrens right to happiness has a combined weight equivalent to YOUR right to happiness....

 

If you are going to leave to chase this rainbow, then the consequences will be what they will be. You CANNOT avoid damaging your children. By your own admission, the family unit isn't dysfunctional, it is YOU that is unhappy. Everyone else thinks things are fine, so to them them change offers nothing positive. You are the only one who gets what he [thinks] he wants. They are the ones who pay the price....

 

There is no balance in that. Sorry.

 

Wow - what powerful words...

 

My Ex and I split up eight years ago. For financial reasons we had to stay together for two years after our decision to separate. We really thought we had done our best not to argue etc in front of the children but they later told us we failed...

 

My friends thought I was stupid for not 'going for every penny he has'. He had very little - in fact I was earning more, and it seemed unfair to me to live at his expense when it was a joint decision to spilt up.

 

He loves his daughters but he was a very thoughtless person in some ways and if I had not made the effort every weekend for many years, I suspect their relationship would have withered on the vine. I made that effort because they came first. I'm not perfect, I let some grumbles drop from my lips as I drove the thirty miles to his yet again, but I did it for them. It would have been a lot easier for me not to see him every week, and it's taken a longer time for me to get over it all, but our daughters have a relationship with him and even laugh at both of us for our failings as humans. They love us unconditionally. If I achieve nothing else in this life, I'm proud of NOT having soured that relationship between them. Incidentally, we became - and remain - amicable.

 

I still don't know your kids' ages, I don't know if you are not wanting to tell us or keep forgetting. But YOU have to set the example, model ADULT behaviour.

 

PLEASE try to do this for THEIR sakes.

[Seraphim]

"I had a father like you, so listen to me. I'm 26 right now and.. my parents divorces more than 20 years ago. I dont hate my father most of the days.. But I dispise him. I have no respect.

 

After the divorce, my father moved in with the OW and twenty years later they are still together. My mom was left alone with two children. She is my hero, she is the strongest, most wonderful and beautiful person I could ever imagine. She is very intelligent, so after the divorce she MADE me and my brother have a realtionship with my father. Every weekend or so, we went to stay with our father. For years, I did it cos my mom told us it is important to have a realtionship with your father. And I did, sort of. It didnt feel like home and father-daughter reltionship. It was VISITING someone. Until I was old enough to make up my own mind..

 

One day your children wont look at you as just a father, but will look at you as a man, as a human. I looked at my father and considering howhe lived is life, what was important to him, what desicions he made.. I didn't like what I saw. It was a weak and foolish and selfish and hurtful person who I cannot ever in my life look up to, take as a role model..

 

Now, as a old man, my father sends me letters, telling me he loves m and he is sorry. It's too late. You only have one life, I only had one father, that was it. He lost it. I can have A realtionship until the end of our lives, but.. I said goodbye to a genuine father daughter relationship 20 years ago.

 

 

My two centa: Stop hurting your family, move out ON YOUR OWN, make your children the priority # 1, do not try to play "new family" with the OW, for a year or so keep her out of the sight, never ever let your children down, and pay INSANE amount of child support so your family dont have to suffer cos of your foolishness and other family/friends wont really disown you. "

 

 

 

 

This post REALLY strikes a cord with me. When my parents divorced when I was 5, got back together when I was 14, separated again when I was 16, got back together again when I was 17 and broke up finally for good when I was 24.When I was little my mother pushed and pushed for us to have a relationship with our dad and hauled our backsides out there every second weekend so that his gf's could tell us she hated kids, or other girl friends had kids of their own and he would openly favour them to please his woman of the week and make his own kids cry. When we were older she could no longer "force" us, but even now I am 43 and my dad is 64 she still pushes me hard to go and see him. I have basically had a ZERO bond with my father since I can ever remember. It has caused issues in my life that are monumental and caused me to make relationship mistakes I would not have made if he had done his danged job as a parent. Be a danged parent, for goodness sake and spare another set of kids unbelievable hurt.

[Speranza]

Sorry, I've spread too much Lurve today - but kudos to you...

[lostandhurt]

You will feed your selfish wants.

You will hurt your children again.

You will pay more than just money.

You will be doing your wife a favor by allowing her to be free to find a real man and possibly father figure for your children. I am sure you don't want them following your examples do you?

 

You won't be a good father. (Past actions predicting the future)

You won't find happiness with the OW because you don't know how to be happy with yourself.

You won't accept how much you have hurt the ones you are supposed to love.

You won't ease your conscience with attempts at making this easier on the kids.

You won't be able to keep the fantasy alive any longer than you did the first time with the OW.

 

You won't listen to anyone that doesn't agree with what you are doing.......

 

The "Walk Away" strikes again folks.

 

Lost

[oceansea]

Exactly! Well stated, FathomFear.

To lie to your wife and have affairs, to disrespect her RIGHT to know who you really are, what is really going on and that you are seeing and being romantically and sexually interested in or involved with another person, then expect to have the blatantly selfish disrespect, manipulativeness and unloving nature of your choices ignored or referred to as kind or approval worthy behaviour is frankly insane. Or at least highly out of touch with reality.

 

Then again that is one of the curious aspects of deceitful behaviours, they tend to promote self-deceit as well. Lying to others often involves or graduates to warping ones own perceptions into self-deceit in order to rationlize ones deceitful behaviours.

So naturally people who value honesty are going to give you honest, clear feedback which you do not like. Because you have wasted precious time, life and love deceiving a woman who deserves knowing the truth of who & what she is involved with.

This does not mean you burn in hell. Just that you have made and continue to relate in and make unhealthy, manipulative, unloving and deceitful actions & choices with regard to your relatinship with the woman who you agreed to marry. That is the truth.

The only way that is not so would be if you did and dd not do such.

[rose666]

What makes you think kids want to grow up seeing that one parent isn't in love with the other? Sure, if you leave it will be hard on them, but staying is going to be bad, too. Kids see and know everything. What kind of role model will you be giving to your daughters/sons for what a relationship is? Personally, I think it is a crime to stay married in a bad relationship. This will f up the kids for life. It will screw up their notion of what marriage and love is. If you can't give them a good role model through your relationship to your wife, then you are doing something just as harmful as leaving.

 

I'm prob. in the minority here, but I feel divorce is better in the long run. As long as: a.) it really is the only option. You are absolutely sure it has to be this way and you're not just running away or something like that. and b.) this decision is made regardless of the OW. You have to stop thinking about yourself completely here. You have this immediate situation of your marriage and family. If you really want to do what's best for your kids, then you have to decide about a divorce or not, and you shouldn't be basing this ONLY on your affair. You may decide that divorce is not the right option, who knows.

 

Your wife ignoring the affair is a problem imo. She obviously doesn't want to rock the boat and she doesn't want to acknowledge whatever it is you find unhappy in the marriage. She's blinding herself.

 

On the other hand, I agree with a lot of these posters that affairs are very idealized. I don't think this one will pan out, frankly. You sound very infatuated, but that's not a basis for your whole future life. Again, I think you need to separate what's going on with you and within you from the OW and the affair. This woke something up in you and you have to deal with it. Because most likely the affair is not going to lead to ultimate happiness and bliss. One person alone cannot be responsible for you being happy.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I'm prob. in the minority here, but I feel divorce is better in the long run.

 

No, I think we would all pretty much agree that it isn't fair to anyone that he stick around when he CLEARLY doesn't want to be there. That poor woman! I hope she gains a bit of self-respect, she deserves better.

[rose666]

I know that my wife and I do an exceptionally good job at raising our kids. My wife is fine with being in an almost business-like relationship. This makes her happy. She doesn't need or really want a physical relationship. We tried working on this when I moved back home. It's never been natural for her. "

 

Ok, this is all getting more and more demented the more I read it. HUH??? What in the world is this? Why on earth would you think this makes a good marriage for the kids? They see, they know. They'll grow up with this busniess model and then turn out just like you, desperate for love and passion somewhere else. Your marriage and family unit does NOT sound healthy to me. Why would you want to foist this onto other human beings????

 

 

"My point is that I'd rather be at home in my children's life in a loveless marriage rather than be all alone without OW."

 

Well, there you go. You seem like you've made a decision. The only place I beg to differ is where you say this is what's right for the kids. No, it's not. What makes you think a loveless marraige is good for your kids??????? You are setting up right now the conditions for your own kids to be cheaters. They will see that marriage is for one thing, and they'll go out and find love somewhere else. Why does it have to be this way?

 

 

"I guess I'm a selfish bastard for wanting happiness for myself. "

 

I don't think so. I think you'll provide a better role model by showing your kids that it's possible to be happy. And that they can expect happiness in life, too.

 

Your wife sounds repressed and cold and detached. She sounds like a machine, and you at least sound like a real human.

 

You have a lot of thinking to do!

[Speranza]

Rose I actually agree with you. But there are good and bad (relatively) ways to end a marriage. I don't know how old the OP is but this sounds awfully like a mid-life crisis.

 

He needs more help than he realises.

[FarthestEdge]

Why is it in these situations, people always assume that there are only two options:

 

a) Stay in a miserable, dsyfunctional relationship 'for the sake of the kids', or

 

b) Abandon the relationship for a fantasy 'happily ever after' because you 'deserve to be happy'

 

Here's a wild, unconventional idea

 

Work on your marriage, and try to find a way to be happy IN IT....

 

If the OP would put as much emotional energy into focusing on the good things about his wife and marriage as he does is seeing the allure of the OW, he might actually FIND some happiness in his marriage.

 

If he went to his wife, and told her he WANTS to be happy with her, but they need to work on it, they might be able to rekindle some romance...

 

But it's EASIER to just find some new mystery, synthetic part-time romance and use it as a benchmark to find everything WRONG with your wife/marriage...ANY marriage can be made to look bad under that lighting.

 

Yes, some marriages cannot be saved. But his wife is willing to forgive the affair and move forward, he calls is 'sweeping it under the rug" because it makes her look indifferent and uncaring, which in his mind justifies his affair. Maybe she just wants her marriage to work, and since he's not putting any effort into that, she does the only thing she can...she lets him get away with it....

 

Try working on your marriage, while working on yourself to figure out what's missing in YOU that you are looking to others to make you happy. But you cannot work on your marriage when there's someone else in the shadows, you need to committ 100% to it or it will fail. If you commit 100% you still may not succeed, but at least then your wife and kids will know, or some day realize, that you DID try, you didn't just say "I'm not happy- you're not making me happy- oh, look, another pretty lady,,let's see if SHE'LL make me happy..."

 

Life is 9/10 perception. CHOOSE to see what's right instead of what's wrong, and you may find, you have a better deal already than most...

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Here's a wild, unconventional idea

 

Work on your marriage, and try to find a way to be happy IN IT....

 

He clearly is not willing to do this. He's had multiple chances to do so. I don't get the logic of him thinking he will be happy AT ALL when it appears nothing makes him happy for long. There is actually nothing specifically wrong with his marriage, he is just bored. They've been blessed with possibly the easiest relationship problem to fix, but he isn't interested.

 

Working on it isn't an option until he decides it can be one. I think the problem simply is that the OP does not respect his wife one iota. That is a shame.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Rose, I agree with you. I think that if he can't make it work with his wife, he should leave. I get the feeling that he isn't really trying though. =/

 

However, leaving to fall into the arms of a mistress will just be a disaster, in my opinion. There is a reason mistresses and lovers are so...intriguing? Exciting? Well, whatever the word, it's due to the fact that you can't have them. They are this fantasy woman/man that's just out of arms reach. It's a "fill-in-the-blank" relationship where you can just write up your own wants and needs and put them in this person. Because you actually aren't with them, the fantasy works. As soon as you actually have them, you realize that the person you have is not your fantasy person that you've been falling in love with and all that 'excitement' fades away.

[rose666]

Rose, I agree with you. I think that if he can't make it work with his wife, he should leave. I get the feeling that he isn't really trying though. =/

 

However, leaving to fall into the arms of a mistress will just be a disaster, in my opinion. There is a reason mistresses and lovers are so...intriguing? Exciting? Well, whatever the word, it's due to the fact that you can't have them. They are this fantasy woman/man that's just out of arms reach. It's a "fill-in-the-blank" relationship where you can just write up your own wants and needs and put them in this person. Because you actually aren't with them, the fantasy works. As soon as you actually have them, you realize that the person you have is not your fantasy person that you've been falling in love with and all that 'excitement' fades away.

 

I agree. He has to make the decision without regard to the OW. And yes, to try all possible ways to fix the marriage before deciding on D.

 

I freely admit I am interested in this situation because a.) my parents were in a "loveless" marriage who "stayed together for the sake of the kids" and imho, that is not a good solution at all. and b.) I've been the OW.

[turnera]

In order to make your kids understand, and soften the blow, why not just walk out on them again, and after doing this to them a second time, they should be able to clearly understand what kind of father you truly are. No words are necessary, your actions speak for themself.

 

Yep. You have lost all rights to have a happy ending. You have harmed everyone who loves you, and all you care about is yourself.

 

Shame on you.

[lavenderdove]

There's an old joke that goes when a man marries his mistress, he creates a job vacancy.

 

One has to be very careful when evaluating leaving a marriage for a mistress, because mistresses are fantasy and exciting stolen moments and high emotion, while wives are laundry and snoring and kids screaming and dirty laundry etc. So you have an exciting 'dating' relationship compared against the familiarity of a long/boring domestic routine. And another old joke goes that mistresses TRY harder, because they are trying to entice the man away from his wife. Once she's bagged her man, she starts thinking about all the sacrifices she made for him waiting around while he didn't leave his wife, and she makes him pay her back in spades for that...

 

So frequently what happens when a man marries his mistress is that she becomes a wife, along with all the other routine and boring things having a wife brings, and the added stress of trying to manage the kids from the former family who are angry and probably screwed up by the whole thing, blaming the mistress for the divorce. And when he's bored and familiar with her, he thinks what he needs is another mistress... so it's a terrible cycle of chasing excitement and avoiding domestic boredom and stress.

 

That is why i alway recommend that anyone leaving a marriage for someone else, to always live alone and NOT live with the mistress/mister for at least a year or two, until they are fully into the routine without the mystery/excitement of the affair, and with the wife out of the picture, and knowing full well what it is like to be a part time parent and have children with hurt feelings etc. They need to see how they do outside the exciting, rarified air of an affair, because they are extremely exciting and high romance/hot sex. Once they can spend more time together other than just romantic stolen moments, it can fall apart.

 

I would warn the OP that the prior failure with the other woman when he left after 3 months might be an indication of the future, round two. If he leaves the marriage, it needs to be FOR HIMSELF, not because he thinks he'll find bliss with the other woman. Some affairs turn into long term stable marriages, but most explode under the stress of divorces, financial reduction due to paying alimony/child support, and the return of familiarity/boredom with the domestic routine, and angry/hostile stepchildren. So he may not be wrecking just his children's lives, but his own, so best to be VERY cautious before committing to the other woman and including her in his children's lives.

 

The best thing for the children is as stable a life as you can give them, not a revolving doors or breakups, makeups, divorces, adn mistresses. So if he really wants to leave, he needs to do it with proper planning, and decisiveness and forethought.

[tiffyb]

read my thread "soooo tired of crying..." this will tell you how your wife is feeling all the time. this is identical to mine and my husbands situation. identical...it will kill her if u leave her again. but its better to just tell her u want the OW than cheat. thats what i wold want my husband to do..just tell me and go. you may not get ur kids as often as youd like and get ready for her to retaliate with alimony and child support. the court will drag a cheating husband through the mud AND subpeona your mistress to court also. been there done that... I WON

[QWit]

I'll make it short because basically everything has been said.. Even though it is going to tear her apart, go ahead and divorce your wife. She doesn't deserve an unappreciative person as yourself.. You should have been grateful that she forgave you for the affair with the other woman. Yet, you still paid her no attention. So, for her and the children's sake, go ahead and be honest and SET HER FREE because obiviously you are very selfish. As far as it not affecting the children, well, you can't always get what you want. Oh yeah, like others have mentioned, be prepared for retailiation because the wife's payoff will be sweet.. Better yet, It will be nicer if your wife found some confidence and kicked you to the curb.. So, either way you would be screwed. As far as the children go, you need to make the transition as comfortable as possible. It will not be easy due to the amount of damage you have done. Oh yeah, DO NOT IMMEDIATELY GO TO THE OW..she should NOT be a factor in any decision that you make.

 

 

Also, shame on you for coming in here think that you weren't going to get any negative responses to your post...smh

[Bella20]

You can't protect your kids. And as they grow up, they'll ask their mother what happened, and she'll say:

 

Daddy and I were doing well, but then he needed excitement so he went and had an affair for two years. He then thought he wanted to be with that woman and moved out and left us the first time. Then the other woman was no longer the other woman and became the wife and daddy got upset again and needed excitement again so he moved back in with us. Then he got bored again and needed excitement so he called the other woman and began affair number two. And now he wants to leaves us again so that he can keep feeding this incessant circle that will never stop until you get THERAPY.

[JLE]

If you guys aren't happy with my post and the kind of person you think I am, nobody is forcing you to be here or respond. I guess mission was accomplished. There's really no reason for me to come back to this forum only to get chastised. Perhaps I deserve every ounce of negative feedback. Like you've all been saying, you reap what you sow. I guess I will be making this decision on my own and will have to deal with everything that comes along with it. This is very hard for you to understand, but I have found the love of my life. No matter how f'd up my story is and despite what you all think of me, I love this woman more than anything. I am a good father and I know I will continue to be. I can guarantee that I am more involved in my children's lives than most fathers. I am not proud of what I've done but it happened. Thanks to those of you who didn't completely judge me without even knowing me. I know a lot of you have been cheated on and have a huge chip on your shoulder when it comes to people like me but don't forget, just because you're married, it doesn't give you a free pass to just skate by in your marriage and assume that it's forever. It takes two. I was a good husband at one point in time believe it or not. My marriage was beginning to deteriorate before I met OW. When your wife takes you for granted everyday and treats you like a buddy, it doesn't work anymore. When your wife is no longer interested in a sexual relationship, it's a problem. When your wife's life revolves around the children and very little attention is put toward you, this is also a problem. Life it too short to have something that is just average. Being in love with my partner and sharing in all aspects of life is very important to me. All of this is gone. My wife is happy with the way things are. She shouldn't be. There is so much more to life. Being married is supposed to be joyful and happy. It's supposed to make you happier than if you were living life alone. Perhaps not every day, but most days should be good days. I did not do things the right way and it was not fair to my wife to be cheated on. I'm not blaming her for my affair, but once again, it takes two to make a marriage successful. I want my kids to see what it's like to be in a happy relationship where both parties love each other. Good luck to all. Don't forget to check and make sure you're all doing your part in your relationships. Nobody deserves to be cheated on, but there are ways to prevent this from happening to you.

[Sanesoul]

Make sure you get your kids some therapy because they are going to hate you and "the love of your life" for a long time, no matter how good you are to them.

 

You will still be the person who destroyed their mother's life.

[Sanesoul]

I just wanted to throw out there that I cheated on my husband and thought I was in love with the guy. Almost destroyed my family in the process.

 

Turns out, I was being stupid and falling for whatever this guy would tell me.

 

So I've been in your shoes, and it's a long fall when the "love" wears off and you have to face reality again.

[turnera]

Oh brother. So...because your wife was too absorbed in the kids...you had an affair.

 

Because your wife decided for some reason to not give you enough sex...you had an affair.

 

Because you got bored...you had an affair.

 

Because your wife got so comfortable - and trusting - with you, you decided that marriage sucked...so you had an affair.

 

fwiw, I have never been cheated on. I just happen to believe that people either HAVE morals...or they don't. If a cheater knows he's doing wrong...and doesn't STOP...then he has no morals.

 

So...when your children hate you for ruining their lives, just say this:

 

Life is too short to have something that is just average.

 

After all, that makes it all right, doesn't it?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I have not yet been cheated on. Still, your point is in my opinion a cop out. Many people in this situation whine about the dynamics, but in your valid suggestion that marriage takes two you've never mentioned what you could put in. Humans are surely selfish, but there is something to tact and reason.

 

Ena does a firm job of making sure no posters are flamed or disrespected. Keep that in mind. Other forums' members would be wicked.

 

Hopefully you can better cope with your mistress when that relationship wanes... All relationships do. They are excruciatingly hard, even if meant to be joyful.

[Cognitive_Canine]

You say marriage takes two but it seems like your wife is putting in far more effort. You were lead astray and she took you back. She continues to trust you and take care of the children and you're off finding a way out.

 

This marriage doesn't sound horrible, it doesn't even sound unpleasant.