I want to leave my wife and kids for the OW but don't know how

[Speranza]

My wife and I get along and we are good friends and good parents but were definitely not soul mates. The love is no longer there and hasn't been for many years. I am not fulfilled in my marriage. We don't have many common interests aside from the kids. I love her but am not in love with her.

Cliches... I have to say, if actions speak louder than words, I doubt you do love her. Why do you say you do? Just to ease your conscience? In fact this whole sad mess is much worse if you love her... I am sorry for the OW if this is what you do to those you love...

 

I did a lot of counseling and decided to be a more present father and a better husband.

 

Okay. When did you change your mind from this? This is one of the few good decisions in your story...

 

Everything was going really well. The OW and I maintained no contact for nearly 3 months.

Ok - so without being harsh, you have pinpointed one possible solution here. You don't say it was dreadful, or that there was no love there, it was going well. Your words. You can choose to go NC again. You've done it before. Read through this post and see what you think.

 

We've been communicating on a very regular basis since that night and we can't seem to get enough of each other. When we broke up, we both became people we didn't recognize. We were not the same people each other fell in love with.

No - you had been suddenly available - a well-documented incredibly scary place for two people in an illicit affair. It almost makes it real... Very often leads to a break-up.

 

She is now the person I fell in love with 3 years ago.

I get you - I hope you are factoring in that she could easily become the person you fell out of love with again..?

 

I hurt every day and thought about her every morning when I woke up.

And yet, fascinatingly, this appears to have given you no empathy for your wife.

 

My problem is that I don't know how to leave my kids again. I'm not thrilled about putting my wife through the same b.s. again but I feel like I can handle that aspect.

(See under 'lack of emapathy' above)

So let me just recap - you LOVE this woman but 'you're not thrilled about putting her through it but you feel like you can handle that aspect.' Ok.

 

May I respectfully suggest that your problem is NOT that you don't know how to leave your kids again? As someone pointed out, you've had a practice run. Your problem, I would guess, is that you don't know how to do it and still look like a good guy, to yourself or others. And I'd hazard a further guess that being 'in and out' of counselling means that it got a little uncomfortably near your real issues at times.

 

I do have some genuine sympathy here for you (I don't know why but I just do!)

 

Let me ask you some questions which might seem unrelated.

1) How old are your kids? (This has a huge bearing on how you handle matters!)

2) How do you feel about ageing? What did it look like when your parents were ageing? Did they cope ok with it?

3) Did either of your parents run off/have affairs?

4) Are you depressed?

5) Are you willing to go to counselling and stick with it?

6) If you suddenly discovered that your wife had a terminal illness, what would your instinct be?

 

 

OK back to your story...

I love my kids so much and don't want to hurt them again. I want to be a part of their lives every day. But, I also want to be with OW.

These two things are, unfortunately, totally incompatible. You are going to have to choose. Again!

 

I would give anything to rewind time and be on my own again.

So why don't you? JUst move out to be alone?

 

I'd do anything to make the relationship with OW work.

You know, a lot of what we think of as Fate is a matter of choice. Technically you could rewrite that sentence with 'my wife' instead of 'OW' - you have free will.

 

What should I do? I feel like no matter what choice I make it will be the wrong one.

I'm afraid that's probably true in some ways. I'm still trying to work out why you're here - you knew what reaction you would get but you are here anyway - I wonder if a small part of you knows there IS an 'honourable' way through this? I don't expect you to want to take it, I do understand where you're at - or where you THINKG you are at.

 

I already know that this is a really f'd up situation I've gotten myself into. I truly don't know what to do.

I know, and this is where you have my genuine sympathy. Not for having got into it, but for being there, The past is, after all, the past and you have f'd up monumentally. Of course you could still make some mature choices based on the good of three other people rather than yourself, and feel great about yourself - but I fear you are set on hating yourself for life...

 

My life is hollow without OW in it. I love her so much more than she'll ever know.

Why? Aren't you planning to tell her? Can you look back to when you married, and honestly tell me if you didn't feel this way about your wife?

 

I don't know what kind of impact leaving would have on my kids a second time.

This is where I can come in useful if you really want to know - I deal with children in this situation every day at work.

Firstly they will likely become incredibly unruly and angry and start failing in school, possibly being very withdrawn but equally possibly becoming quite violent and tearing up their work because it represents their self esteem - which went out the door with Daddy.

 

Secondly, they will lose their friends because of their behaviour, and you and their mother will have to sit together in embarrassing meetings with their teachers to look into why they are suddenly behaving like this.

 

Thirdly, don't expect them to sleep. Or at least, not in their own beds. They will be in shock and very afraid that Mummy will leave them too because although they don't know what they did, they know beyond a shadow of doubt that it's their fault you left.

 

Fourthly, they will HATE you (they may also love you. This is very confusing for them and will lead to a very very strange relationship between you). If they are clever and you are a weak parent, they will manipulate you into buying them lots of things, which you will do out of guilt, and they will probably play you and their mother off against each other. Because when they visit you, you will be relieved and happy to see them, you will likely undermine all the rules their grief-stricken mother has put into place to try to keep things normal, so every Monday at school they will be in trouble because they have not managed to adjust between the two cultures suceessfully. They will by turn miss you horribly and hate you and this OW.

 

Fifthly, they will quite possibly try to fill the emotional cavern in their hearts by having sex very early, drinking alcohol or trying drugs - in fact, anything to dull the pain. They are incredibly more likely to fail at relationships, in school, and indeed in loving themselves - because don't forget, it's THEIR fault all this has happened.

 

It isn't possible to persuade children otherwise, sadly.

 

Well you did ask. I pick up the scrappy little pieces of such children every day. It is heartbreaking.

 

What could I do to soften the blow for them. How can I make them understand?

I'm truly sorry, but you can't. What are you wanting them to understand? That Daddy doesn't love them enough to stay? That he's gone again? That he's made Mummy cry in her room? That he's found another lady?

 

You cannot soften this blow.

 

You cannot.

 

If you really must leave, I beg you to do it alone. Do NOT even attempt to build a new relationship whilst you are in this state, it can only end badly.

 

Am I right in thinking that you pick and choose when you go to counselling? Man up and stick with it - there are historical issues playing out here, issues between you and your own parents, I'd bet money on it.

 

You are not a bad man, but you are perhaps about to be a very foolish one.

[Hermes]

Totally agree.

 

You can ease that transition by living on your own and spending a LOT of time with your kids the first year you separate, and don't start involving them with the OW until the divorce is done and they are showing that they have adjusted to it. Then you can start introducing the OW into their lives SLOWLY, so they don't feel like it was a case that you dumped both your wife AND them to be with the other woman. They need to understand they are a very high priority in your life, in fact MORE important to you than the OW, or this will end very badly.

 

And what CAD says, too.

Hermes

[Hermes]

Very good, Speranza.

 

Am I right in thinking that you pick and choose when you go to counselling? Man up and stick with it - there are historical issues playing out here, isseus between you and your pwn parents, I'd bet money on it.

 

So would I.

 

Hermes

[JLE]

I understand why everyone is so hot about this topic. You're all right, what was I expecting after throwing a topic like this out there? It is a little painful reading most of the responses but can handle it because I am getting a little bit out of this.

 

I'll try to respond to some of the questions. I grew up in a very loving and nurturing home with two other siblings. My mother would do anything for us and my father was a good provider. A little dominant at times but a good man. I don't pick and choose when I go to counseling. I agree that I should maintain a more regular schedule in hopes of resolving the issues at hand. I agree, my wife was a very noble and forgiving person to sweep the affair under the rug when I returned home. I will say that I returned home for the children, not my wife. I decided that since I made the choice to return home that I better make an attempt to salvage my marriage, for the kids. I agree that I gave my wife false hope when I returned. I haven't and don't want to point out my wife's flaws. She does have some, by the way. Probably too many to mention but not to the extreme of being an alcoholic, bad mother, etc. She is a good woman and yes I do love her as a person. Not as a partner. I know this is hard to believe given everything I've put her through. I understand that marriages have their ups and downs. So do affairs. There's a lot more I love about OW than just a physical relationship. My relationship with OW is not always perfect, we struggle with ups and downs just like every other relationship. This is not a fling, we've been together for 3 years. I'm not justifying leaving my wife. I know it's not the right thing to do...for almost everyone involved. If this wasn't a difficult choice for me I wouldn't be here. I don't expect anyone to give me a pat on the back for what I'm doing. I know this won't happen. My kids do extremely well in all aspects of life, I'm not just saying this because they're my kids. They are well adjusted to life and very confident in themselves. I know that my wife and I do an exceptionally good job at raising our kids. My wife is fine with being in an almost business-like relationship. This makes her happy. She doesn't need or really want a physical relationship. We tried working on this when I moved back home. It's never been natural for her. Yes, I probably was in love with her when I married her. But not the way I'm in love now. What's important to her is our children, her career and her extra curricular activities. When I moved back home, I mentioned that she changed and made me a bigger priority. That fell to the way side a couple months after being home. Hence, my statement about the honeymoon phase wearing off. I know that the way I approached all of this wasn't right. But I can't change the past. My point is that I'd rather be at home in my children's life in a loveless marriage rather than be all alone without OW. Selfish, but just being honest. My marriage works from a stand point of doing what's right for the kids. I guess I'm a selfish bastard for wanting happiness for myself. I was just hoping to find a balance for everyone involved. It's easy to read my posts and pick it apart and call me on specifics. That's okay. I know that I love OW more than anyone I've ever met in my life. I know this sounds delusional but it's true. I'm finally understanding that there's no easy way around all of this. I love my kids and I don't want to lose them but I can't bear the thought of losing OW again. If I was a completely selfish person I wouldn't be giving any thought what so ever to leaving again. I understand that this would have a profound impact on my kids. I don't know what to do.

[JLE]

By the way, I'm okay with paying any amount of child support, lawyer fees, etc. if it mean having a life of happiness. Why can't there be a balance to all of this?

[Dixi]

Good post Speranza.

 

It's very sad what you say about the kids and the effects it has on them but it is very true, I know this because my 3 kids have all gone through this, especially the youngest and he is still in a right mess 5 years later

 

JLE, I understand how you feel BUT please think really carefully about your actions and what it could do to your children. I believe you would regret this later on down the road and it will be something you will have to live with for the rest of your life. You was lucky to get a second chance, don't blow it. Leaving a second time is an even bigger blow to all concerned and I doubt you would get another chance to put this right. Trust me I have been in a similar situation and it isn't worth it, no matter what you think now.

[Brenda222]

I have to say I am the person in your wives shoes. This man kicked me out of our home and moved another woman in after 7 years of being together. Gave me the same story. I don't love you anymore. We weren't married. I was under the impression though that you are married so I was actually feeling that when you say marriage vows they include for better or worse, thru ups and downs. I'm sorry I wasnt under the impression that when you cheat you can just end a marriage and hurt someone. This man left me for someone else. The thing is, he doesnt see his son cry at night because he is happy sitting there with his OW. He doesnt see or hear how his son is so hurt that his mom and dad cant be together and he wont grow up with his mom and dad. So while you are making yourself happy at night sleeping you dont see what your kids are going thru, your not there. Then he tries to put my son in the house with this woman. My son doesnt say anything to him because he wants to see his dad, but he says something to me about how unhappy he is when he goes there. Do you think that his happiness has effected his son or not? I hurt daily. He said he didnt love me and cheated so I guess it was ok to hurt me. Im not trying to be too hard on you but you know the cheaters never think about the people they are hurting, its all about them. So I guess this OW happiness and her means more to you than your wife and kids. If thats how you feel, more power to you. Just please stay here so a year from now you can tell me how happy your wife and kids are with the new man who is spending quality time with them, loving them and will be with them thru thick and thin and ups and downs. You dont want to lose your kids. Honey you already lost them when you disrespected their mom by cheating. I hope you feel the same way when someone does it to your kids when they get grown. I hurt every day, day in and day out. His son hurts, but you know I guess it was right because he didnt love me anymore. I never cheated and never will because what goes around comes around and when she cheats on you please dont go back to your wife, let her enjoy the new man who actually loves and respects her enough to help with your children. I hate to say it but a part-time father who left his kids to be with someone else is nothing to me. I grew up with both my parents but my child wont experience that ok. So I guess his OW was worth this to him. And I guess yours is worth it to you. So what if youre not in love like you used to be, maybe she is not either (your wife). But you are the one who cheated and baby you will pay for it, you may not see it now but the same person you hurt is gonna be the one you will hurt behind.

[SnowFox]

When you bring children into the world, your needs are supposed to come second to theirs, at least until they are raised. Not every need, but needs that are in total conflict with their basic needs for security, good role models, love, affection, quality time, support in school, planning for their future, etc.

 

Unfortunately, many people who have children are not able or willing to do this.

 

Your original problem was not being willing to leave your marriage before you had the initial security blanket of the OW. That person has been your emotional crutch through all this. You're not a strong, mentally healthy person. You are weak and its sad that you don't want to try to be a man with good strong character to role model for your children.

 

If you have a daughter, what would you tell her to do if she happened to end up married to a man like you? If you have a son, what would you tell him to do if he did all the things you have done?

 

The fact is that you are doing something that is considered highly socially inappropriate by the overwhelming majority of people.

 

You will have to find a very small niche of people who are willing to help you without judging. I'm thinking most of us on this site aren't going to be that type.

 

I personally just don't have a lot of sympathy for parents with weak character. Sorry.

[Blue Spiral]

You should work things out with her and that's that - no exceptions. Is she physically abusive? Is she a drunk? Is she a bad mother to your children?? Then wha'ts wrong with her - nothign that's what.

 

Those are pretty low standards for a spouse...by that logic, finding one should be easy for everyone. As long as they're not evil, right? I don't know if the OP has real feelings for the OW or not (nor do any of us, as we can't mind-read), but I don't think anyone should have to be in a relationship with someone they don't have feelings for.

 

OP: this is a "you're screwed regardless of what you decide" situation. If you leave, you screw up the kids, and if you don't, you still screw them up, as miserable/emotionless homes aren't the best environment for children (trust me on that one). Ultimately, all you can do is be true to yourself and make the best choice you can, whatever it is.

[Brenda222]

I actually disagree with that. Miserable homes. Could these cheaters do what they are doing outside the homes inside of their homes. No a broken home is just so hurtful. So the person that cheats youre telling him its ok for him to do this because its all about him and his happiness, f everyone else. Maybe he should have never gotten married and said vows. How quick people these days are to run to someone else cause they are not satisfied with the person they are with. So its ok to hurt everyone else and to think about yourself. Think about it. Why is it ok to leave your committment and responsibilities because you want to be with someone else. Think about what you can do to make your own home happy ok.

[hexaemeron]

Hmm...

 

OP, it really does sound as though you enjoy the excitement of a new romance, the butterflies, etc. There's nothing exactly wrong with that (despite what some here have/will say), but I do think your... handling of this situation leaves a lot to be desired.

 

Marriages are hard. Yes. Raising a family, supporting a household, meeting the demands of life today... these things can literally suck the life/fun/joy right out of your life just as sure as any death or calamity. But one thing you owe your wife that you have not given her here is honesty. When you began to be unhappy, you should have told her this. Now, I said that, and I do believe me, but I also understand that most people say they want honesty in a partner, but don't ACTUALLY mean it. They want "cheerleader" honesty. "Tell me how wonderful I am, yes, be honest!"... but anything honest that doesn't immediately fill one with warm fuzzies, and it's "You're a jerk!!!!"

 

And yes, you'd have to deal with that. You'd have to deal with her hurt and her anger. You're going to have to deal with it now too, only now it'll be 100x worse, since you've decided to effectively do an end run right around your marriage and falling into some other woman's vagina.

 

I'm not judging here, by the way. I'm just trying to be as honest and helpful as I can be here. Your children will likely dislike you for awhile, and they may even believe that the divorce is somehow their fault. You must make sure to let them know that, while not going into gross specifics, that it has NOTHING to do with them, their behavior or your love for them. They will not understand, at first, and they will be mad and you might lose them for awhile, but you'll get them back in time.

 

Your wife... well, I'd recommend getting a good lawyer, and being as fair and equitable in the proceedings as you can be. You have less then no legs to stand on there, legally, I'm afraid. Hope this helps.

[Alstott Fan]

All I'll say is you better hope that wherever you live they don't take infidelity into account during divorce proceedings. If they do you're going find yourself in a very bad situation very quickly. I sure hope that OW has a fat bank account.

[Speranza]

Those are pretty low standards for a spouse...by that logic, finding one should be easy for everyone. As long as they're not evil, right? I don't know if the OP has real feelings for the OW or not (nor do any of us, as we can't mind-read), but I don't think anyone should have to be in a relationship with someone they don't have feelings for.

 

OP: this is a "you're screwed regardless of what you decide" situation. If you leave, you screw up the kids, and if you don't, you still screw them up, as miserable/emotionless homes aren't the best environment for children (trust me on that one). Ultimately, all you can do is be true to yourself and make the best choice you can, whatever it is.

 

This is a really good point I think. It's all too easy to castigate this guy but - he's not claiming that he's made good choices, and he's done pretty well at not overtly asking for sympathy. He is where he is...

 

And in answer to your original question (and I'm so sorry for the poster whose kids have already been through this) well - how do you soften the blow?

 

1) By NEVER bad-mouthing your wife to them. Not even those little eye-rolling 'tut's. NOTHING.

2) By being HONEST! You have still not said what age your kids are. Boys tend to do two things: they get extremely protective of their Mum, and they begin to fear becoming like Daddy. Be honest if they are old enough and TELL them you are not proud of yourself. But be warned, it's really hard to do the 'Do as I say, not as I do' thing with your kids.

3) Yes - think about how you'd feel if someone did this to your kids. Would it matter? Why? What would you want to happen?

4) Don't justify yourself. Learn to acknowledge that your behaviour has been appalling, that's going to be the best way to draw a line under it and move on. Even on here you have given two different stories about how you feel for your wife. I'm sorry, but you are not acting with respect OR love towards her. I KNOW this is difficult for you but don't lie to yourself.

5) Be aware that this new relationship may not last. Pedestals crumble. If it ends, do NOT go back and put your family through all this again.

6) BE THERE for your kids. NEVER NEVER NEVER cancel on them. Have a routine time to see them and make it the number one priority in your life ahead of everything except your own death. So many fathers start out great and then tail off when it gets too much bother. Please show your children the commitment you haven't shown your wife.

7) Don't buy them lots of stuff out of guilt. This leads to adults who think materialism can mend a broken heart. It's not nice to watch.

8 ) Support in any and every way you can - if you and your wife CAN be in the same room (don't count on it) then go to every parents evening, game, etc.

9) Make it clear to the OW that she comes SECOND. If she doesn't like that, it's a huge red flag - or ought to be.

10) If you have a baby with her, GET ADVICE about how to tell the children.

What age ARE your kids?

 

Let me finish with a true life story which is still affecting me weeks later.

 

A few weeks ago I was asked to talk to a 15 year old who was in huge trouble with the police, at school, everywhere, appeared totally unwilling to engage. I spent a few minutes just talking to him and then I looked him in the eye and said, "You know I don't understand all this - I can see you are a lovely young man, where's all this come from?"

 

He looked as though I'd hit him and then began to sob. He went on for ages, and I instinctively gave him paper and pen and told him to write stuff down. He scribbled furiously and handed me the paper without a word. It said (I paraphrase) "Dad I f'kin HATE HATE you! I love you but I HATE you! YOu walked out on us like you didn't care and now you are spending money on That Woman and she is a...' (you can imagine).

 

This happened when this kid was 7 years old. It took 8 years and a total stranger for him to be able to verbalise what was going on.

[Alstott Fan]

Wow, that hits home pretty hard. It wasn't my father but my mother who I was angry at. She threw my father out of the house and within a week had a new man living there. I'll never forget the first time my dad came over to see me a few days later and this guy was sitting at the kitchen table, only wearing jeans and tried to break bad on my father.

 

I can honestly say that to this day my mother doesn't understand or get why that hurt me so bad. She's never really tried to talk to me about it except to defend herself and belittle my father. I can tell you firsthand that is not the way to handle such a situation. When you do that the child is going to more than likely grow to resent you.

[Miss Firecracker]

I'm here to seek advice about how to protect my kids.

 

Your kids cannot be protected from what you have done and are doing. They will be forever scarred by what has happened to them. No way to sugar-coat it.

[Speranza]

By the way, I'm okay with paying any amount of child support, lawyer fees, etc. if it mean having a life of happiness. Why can't there be a balance to all of this?

 

Well I'm glad you are prepared for this, but I can't help but wonder WHOSE lifetime of happiness?

 

You are investing a heck of a lot into this woman, with whom it's already not worked out once before.

 

DO take time to be on your own. Have you ever lived alone? One of my brothers hasn't been on his own since he was 15 - he's 60 now!

[Sanesoul]

It sounds like the OW only wants you when you are going home to your wife. It's not all rainbows and unicorns when you actually have to be a real couple.

 

How many times are you going to put your kids through the ringer? Are you going to keep going back to your wife when things aren't perfect with the OW?

 

Man up and take care of your family, or leave them alone FOR GOOD.

[BiggestMistake]

It might work, it might not....why risk that? She knows what she is doing and chances are she could else up with someone else entirely and you'd be stuck again.

 

I haven't got kids and I messed up enough. What you do is up to you but if you had never taken her stuff back this might never have happened. I know it's hard, I know you feel like you got stuck and it wasn't your fault. We all make the decision to get married and previous mistakes aside, do you want to make anymore? Think how you have felt at the lowest point in all this, then think of everyone else.

 

Maybe it would all work out but how I feel right now I would say leave it now. Just stop because it only gets worse.

[Catdancer]

My best advice to you is for you and your wife to sit your kids down and talk to them. Tell them that mommy and daddy cant live together anymore (hide any anger or resentment from them) and explain to them that mommy and daddy both love them. Do NOT let the kids see anger between you. You must approach your moving out as a new adventure for all of you. Tell them that they can help pick out bedding, linens and ddecorations for their new rooms at daddy's new house. Tell them that both mommy and daddy need their help and assign them jobs (just little things) to help distract them. You really must make this all about them and try to make it seem like mommy and daddy dont hate each other.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I will tell you, I knew someone like you sound. He did this exact thing to his first wife, left his two children in a lurch at a young age and pays out the nose for her and them to live in a shabby apartment. Those children are miserable. It is so sad.

 

He wasn't happy with her, they didn't spark each other's interest anymore, fine. That makes sense. Sometimes people don't gel after a while. He left for his other woman, they lived together, started their happy life, had two more children and by 6 years in he was cheating on her too, with the same complaints as before and has now left his second wife and second set of children.

 

He is so plagued by child support and alimony payments, he lives in his office at work. His WHOLE family detests him; parents, ex wives, ex girlfriends, siblings, children, friends.

 

This guy was chasing his life of happiness and found the most pathetic outcome possible.

He has this way of ruining every life he touches. Don't fall into this same path. Learn about yourself, learn from your actions, mature, reflect, stop feeding into instant gratification. You're an adult with children to care for, you're not a teenage boy.

 

I think your family and yourself can come out of this only slightly damaged if you really take responsibility. Good luck to you.

[Sanesoul]

Tried to rep you Iphy, but I need to spread the love.

 

This is a chilling, but too often, so true story. Sad.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Tried to rep you Iphy, but I need to spread the love.

 

This is a chilling, but too often, so true story. Sad.

 

I could cry for his children. They are all under the age of 12, living in tough conditions (his ex wives were all wealthy women with good jobs, like himself, but poverty strikes quickly in this economy when the cord is pulled) He will be paying child support for 18 more years. Obviously this is not your case exactly, OP, but I just want to warn you that things can get so ugly fast, even when you think you're finding the life you want.

[annalisa84]

Well, people here have given you good advise. As good as it gets.

 

I had a father like you, so listen to me. I'm 26 right now and.. my parents divorces more than 20 years ago. I dont hate my father most of the days.. But I dispise him. I have no respect.

 

After the divorce, my father moved in with the OW and twenty years later they are still together. My mom was left alone with two children. She is my hero, she is the strongest, most wonderful and beautiful person I could ever imagine. She is very intelligent, so after the divorce she MADE me and my brother have a realtionship with my father. Every weekend or so, we went to stay with our father. For years, I did it cos my mom told us it is important to have a realtionship with your father. And I did, sort of. It didnt feel like home and father-daughter reltionship. It was VISITING someone. Until I was old enough to make up my own mind..

 

One day your children wont look at you as just a father, but will look at you as a man, as a human. I looked at my father and considering howhe lived is life, what was important to him, what desicions he made.. I didn't like what I saw. It was a weak and foolish and selfish and hurtful person who I cannot ever in my life look up to, take as a role model..

 

Now, as a old man, my father sends me letters, telling me he loves m and he is sorry. It's too late. You only have one life, I only had one father, that was it. He lost it. I can have A realtionship until the end of our lives, but.. I said goodbye to a genuine father daughter relationship 20 years ago.

 

 

My two centa: Stop hurting your family, move out ON YOUR OWN, make your children the priority # 1, do not try to play "new family" with the OW, for a year or so keep her out of the sight, never ever let your children down, and pay INSANE amount of child support so your family dont have to suffer cos of your foolishness and other family/friends wont really disown you.

[Cognitive_Canine]

You've done this before, it didn't work out. Why? Because you don't want to actually be with this woman (or any woman, I don't think) and she not with you. What you do want is the excitement and newness of a mistress on the side. Leaving your wife (for the second time) will just have the same results. That feeling of butterflies and jitters will go away once you actually have each other and you'll just resent each other.

 

You're wife took you back. She TOOK YOU BACK and you don't seem to appreciate that amazing act one bit. You are unbelievably lucky. You have a stable home. Some kids. You don't dislike your wife, you are just aren't 'in love' with her and I think that has more to do with you unsatisfiable needs of 'newness' than it does with your actual relationship.

 

Smack yourself accross the face and smell the coffee. You are just going through a neverending cycle of unhappiness with the way you are going. Go to therapy by yourself and with your wife.

[FarthestEdge]

By the way, I'm okay with paying any amount of child support, lawyer fees, etc. if it mean having a life of happiness. Why can't there be a balance to all of this?

 

The 'Balance' you seek implies that your wife & childrens right to happiness has a combined weight equivalent to YOUR right to happiness....

 

My ex-BIL told his teary-eyed daughter once, in response to her asking why he can't just come home & be a family again:

 

"Because I can't be happy with your mother, you want me to be happy, don't you honey?"

 

She came home and asked her mom, " How come daddy gets to be happy and we all have to hurt so much"

 

I will never forgive him for that. For thinking that HIS happiness superceded that of his children, and for expecting them to prioritize it that way as well.

 

If you are going to leave to chase this rainbow, then the consequences will be what they will be. You CANNOT avoid damaging your children. By your own admission, the family unit isn't dysfunctional, it is YOU that is unhappy. Everyone else thinks things are fine, so to them the change offers nothing positive. You are the only one who gets what he [thinks he] wants. They are the ones who pay the price....

 

There is no balance in that. Sorry.