She says we are just friends - but I'm still reluctant to tell her I'm seeing somebody else

[tf987]

So I made this friend on a vacation - lots of flirting and such on the vacation but nothing happened. After an awkward "silent" period from her after returning to the US she called me and we talked and exchanged a few emails and texts - I came to learn her "silent" period was a combination of her being really busy with tax season (she works for a group of brokers) and my phone provider failing to forward a text she sent me when my phone was out of service for 6 days while I was on a climbing trip.

 

Anyway - her life is very complicated at the moment (she is going through a divorce - almost final but a 2 year separation...) and she says we are just friends - she said she doesn't feel the same attraction that I feel for her (this was in an email) - yet she still contacts me a lot and is doing this huge favor for me - which I know she hardly has the time for... and she told me she spent 2 hours on one of the emails she sent me...

 

Okay... anyway I'm taking her at her word that she isn't attracted to me (like I am to her)... and so I'm dating another (actually 2 others). Well she called me early Fri evening and I never got back to her because I was on a date that didn't end until the next afternoon - then she sent me a text to tell me that she was going to see me at yoga class on Sunand she'd have my CDs for me (she was copying 3CDs worth of photos for me from the vacation from her camera).

 

I wound up calling her back Sat afternoon and we talked for a while, and she asked me how my day was going so far and what I had "going on"... I found myself not wanting to tell her what I had been doing...

 

So the question is - she says we are just friends - but I do still like her, how bad of a move would it be to admit to her that I just had a date that went from Fri eve till Sat early afternoon? I don't like being dishonest (even by omission) but I'm also reluctant to turn her off - not that I think that are any feelings (from her end) to really turn off...

 

I'd feel like telling her what I was doing would seem like I was just trying to make her jealous and seem gamey... and I hate game playing. So I wound up just saying "oh... I was doing some things... sorry to seem evasive" and left it at that. Didn't know what else to tell her and we quickly moved on to another topic, her job, our writing styles, etc....

[believeme]

You have every right to be dating, she told you that she no longer has the same feelings for you, she cant just expect you to sit around waiting for her feelings to change back, because they wont.

 

I understand why you wouldn't want her to know,...because then it would be like finalizing your seperation she probably wouldn't react well to it, and i feel that when someone new moves in to the equation, jealousy is sure to happen.

 

Stop waiting for a time that is never going to come. Tell her when she is in a good mood.

 

Or you could use this approach.

Its your life. She chose not to be part of it, that means its not of her business what you do or who you spend your time with. You shouldn't feel like you have to make excuses to cover up that your dating.

[tf987]

You have every right to be dating, she told you that she no longer has the same feelings for you, she cant just expect you to sit around waiting for her feelings to change back, because they wont.

Thanks for your response. One thing I must point out is that I have dated enough women to know that they do change their minds - both ways - so I know she could change her mind back.... but I'm not "waiting for her" - as I've said I'm dating others now. I'm just trying to decide how much it would ruin any future chance with her if I were 100% open and honest with her that I'm seeing others now.

 

Look at the question the other way - am I ruining anything by leaving out the fact that I'm seeing others?

[nutbrownhare]

By not being honest about what you're doing - you're being unfair to everyone.

 

She might be thinking that all the discussions and sharing you're doing at the moment may be leading to something deeper; she might not. If she isn't, then nothing will change if you're straight about what your situation is. If she IS, then you are really are leading her on. There's nothing gamey about giving the other person the truth of a situation as long as you are prepared to let go the outcome and accept what happens. And you're probably experienced enough to know that trying to make someone jealous can easily backfire.

 

Are the other people you're dating aware that they're not the only ones you're interested in?

[hannah_k]

I think it would be better to be honest with her. Don't go out of your way to tell her. But if a situation like that happens again, if she asks what you're up to, then tell her.

 

As a female, I can tell you that one of three things will more than likely happen: She'll either be relieved because she may feel like there's less pressure, she may feel a surge of jealousy but get over it, or she may be hurt in some way or another. When a woman feels attached to something, it can be complicated. I know that I once told a guy that I just wanted to be friends due to situation more than feelings, but when he got a girlfriend, I was slightly bruised, but we continued being friends.

 

I would say that if she's rational and a good friend, she'll be around regardless of your dating life. And actually, the fact that you are not "waiting" for her may work in your favor. Seeing you dating others may make her look at you in a different perspective. Either way, don't dwell too much on it. Live your life and let the chips fall.

[JusticeLaw9]

The right to date is the ball that's in your court. Go on dates, go on plenty of them until you feel you've found what you're looking for. She has already expressed that she is not interested in you, so I don't see how this could affect the friendship between the two of you. I normally don't talk about my dates to other women, don't see the need to.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

By not being honest about what you're doing - you're being unfair to everyone.

 

She might be thinking that all the discussions and sharing you're doing at the moment may be leading to something deeper; she might not. If she isn't, then nothing will change if you're straight about what your situation is. If she IS, then you are really are leading her on. There's nothing gamey about giving the other person the truth of a situation as long as you are prepared to let go the outcome and accept what happens. And you're probably experienced enough to know that trying to make someone jealous can easily backfire.

 

Are the other people you're dating aware that they're not the only ones you're interested in?

 

I second this post. I see this being unfair to all the women concerned. This woman you are interested in is in the midst of the final touches on a divorce so it is entirely possible she told you she is not interested because she wants to be totally free before she gets into a relationship. The fact that she contacts you a lot and is doing such a huge favour for you suggest that perhaps she has more feelings for you than she is letting on and she is taking things slowly. Maybe not but certainly you can't rule it out..remember, she is not yet a free woman, she is still married until her divorce is final.

 

You are dating two other women, at least one of them you had sex with (I am assuming that is what you were implying by the fact that your date lasted until the next day). So, does this woman you had sex with know that you are actually more interested in this "getting divorced" woman and that if this getting divorced woman were to give the go-ahead you would might not be dating anyone else. Does this woman you had sex with know that you are dating others? The right thing to do would be to be open about the fact that you are playing the field...open to the woman you slept with, open to the other woman you are dating, and open to the woman you actually have an interest in. If this woman you have an interest in is trying to set the stage for when her divorce is final at least she will have both eyes open and not assume anything.

[RedDress]

Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.

 

If you DON'T tell her, she may think you are still hung up on her and may not be in a hurry to figure out if she wants more from you. It also may come as a shock if you become exclusive with one of the other girls.

 

Tell her like it is! She wants friendship? Cool. Give her friendship. Wouldn't you tell your friends about the date?

 

Telling her to elicit a specific response is a game.

NOT telling her to elicit a specific response is a game.

 

Stop trying to elicit a specific response and just be yourself.

[shuttlefish]

lol, you're not going to get a consensus on this my friend.

 

My vote is for "don't tell"

Why? It's none of her business, she had her chance, she made her decision, you have your life. For the record, I do not necessarily tell my friends who I am dating (nor the details of it) - it's my personal life and I don't advertise it. It's not a game, it just is what it is.

 

You are right, women (and men too I suppose) change their minds. Keep dating others and keep this woman around as a friend...you never know.

 

ps: I bet she is keeping you in the picture just in case....

[Lastchallenge]

^^^^ I agree... That's right on the money

[tf987]

By not being honest about what you're doing - you're being unfair to everyone.

As I'll repeat later in this reply, I'm all in favor of honesty - but with good delivery and a fair understanding of a situation's complexities.

 

She might be thinking that all the discussions and sharing you're doing at the moment may be leading to something deeper; she might not. If she isn't, then nothing will change if you're straight about what your situation is. If she IS, then you are really are leading her on. There's nothing gamey about giving the other person the truth of a situation as long as you are prepared to let go the outcome and accept what happens.

This is the challenge in the situation with her - mixed signals. She tells me she isn't interested (actually her exact words are that her interest level don't match mine) and yet she spends a lot of time now interacting with me and telling me things that she says she shares with almost nobody else.

 

And you're probably experienced enough to know that trying to make someone jealous can easily backfire.

Exactly - which is why I'm trying to avoid giving the appearance of "trying" to make her jealous. If I tell her - my concern is that she may suspect that I'm only telling her to try to make her jealous.

 

I realize this kind of thinking and over analyzing might sound rather machiavellian - but there is a reason machiavelli is studied so much - at least by statesmen.

 

Are the other people you're dating aware that they're not the only ones you're interested in?

I just started seeing them - the one that stayed the night - it was our first date, things just went really well and she said she wanted to see my place and one thing led to another. I already had a 2nd date lined up with somebody else for the next night - my motto is all is fair until things get very physical - and yep they just got physical with one of them so I need to decide how to handle that - I do plan on being honest with everyone - but honesty can have a good delivery and a bad delivery - I try to make all deliveries good.

[tf987]

The right to date is the ball that's in your court. Go on dates, go on plenty of them until you feel you've found what you're looking for. She has already expressed that she is not interested in you, so I don't see how this could affect the friendship between the two of you. I normally don't talk about my dates to other women, don't see the need to.

You might have missed the nuance of my question - I am going on dates - my question is how open to be with her about it if she says flat out to me "what did you do today". The truth of what I had done that day, so far, was sex, out to breakfast, then home for more sex. I didn't want to tell her this.

[tf987]

I second this post. I see this being unfair to all the women concerned. This woman you are interested in is in the midst of the final touches on a divorce so it is entirely possible she told you she is not interested because she wants to be totally free before she gets into a relationship. The fact that she contacts you a lot and is doing such a huge favour for you suggest that perhaps she has more feelings for you than she is letting on and she is taking things slowly. Maybe not but certainly you can't rule it out..remember, she is not yet a free woman, she is still married until her divorce is final.

She is married only on paper, they have lived apart for 2 years and he already has another gf - but I can tell it is a complicated situation for her. She told me she already had a hookup a while ago - but realized she wasn't ready to date anybody yet as a result. So - I don't really know why she shares so much with me - but we spent a lot of time talking on this group vacation - we were alone together a lot.

 

You are dating two other women, at least one of them you had sex with (I am assuming that is what you were implying by the fact that your date lasted until the next day). So, does this woman you had sex with know that you are actually more interested in this "getting divorced" woman and that if this getting divorced woman were to give the go-ahead you would might not be dating anyone else. Does this woman you had sex with know that you are dating others? The right thing to do would be to be open about the fact that you are playing the field...

We met on a dating website and it was our first date after spending a week exchanging a lot of long emails and some internet chatting - things just went really well and she wanted to come to my house (as a matter of fact she is still in the final stages of a divorce too). Since we met on a dating website - and have not said anything about exclusivity yet - my position is that she knows the rules. We talked about the fact that we've both had a couple of dates already from this site - she did say though that I'm the first she liked enough to make out with though... The "other women" is somebody I already had a date lined up with - 2nd date - just getting to know each other.

 

...open to the woman you slept with, open to the other woman you are dating, and open to the woman you actually have an interest in. If this woman you have an interest in is trying to set the stage for when her divorce is final at least she will have both eyes open and not assume anything.

Thanks, I do appreciate the thoughts. I'm still trying to find the right degree of openness, and the delivery, for the situation and for all involved.

[tf987]

Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.

 

If you DON'T tell her, she may think you are still hung up on her and may not be in a hurry to figure out if she wants more from you. It also may come as a shock if you become exclusive with one of the other girls.

 

Tell her like it is! She wants friendship? Cool. Give her friendship. Wouldn't you tell your friends about the date?

 

Telling her to elicit a specific response is a game.

NOT telling her to elicit a specific response is a game.

 

Stop trying to elicit a specific response and just be yourself.

I think honesty is something special saved for only those you care about the most. Do you tell your boss if another company is recruiting you - before the negotiations are over with that other company? Does Coke tell Pepsi its formula for their product? 100% honesty is a fallacy I believe - did God tell Abraham that he was just testing him when he asked him to sacrifice his son and then stopped him just before Abraham drove home the knife?

 

I do favor honesty - but I also believe in prudence, timing, and delivery of the truth. Was she being "honest" with me when she was flirting the hell out of me on vacation?

 

Besides, she does know I'm dating (she had called me also earlier in the week and I had to end the convo after 40 minutes because I had a coffee date - I told her in an email later why I had to run), my main question was how to respond to her when she asked me Saturday afternoon what I'd been doing all day - because what I'd been doing all day was something I really didn't want to tell her yet.

[tf987]

lol, you're not going to get a consensus on this my friend.

 

My vote is for "don't tell"

Why? It's none of her business, she had her chance, she made her decision, you have your life. For the record, I do not necessarily tell my friends who I am dating (nor the details of it) - it's my personal life and I don't advertise it. It's not a game, it just is what it is.

 

You are right, women (and men too I suppose) change their minds. Keep dating others and keep this woman around as a friend...you never know.

 

ps: I bet she is keeping you in the picture just in case....

 

Thanks. The challenge for me is how to not "tell" when asked a direct question. I had been fooling around all morning with a women - and after I took her home this one texted me to follow up a call from the previous evening that I had not returned yet. I decided to call her back and then wasn't prepared when she asked me what I'd been doing that day - I think she was just making convo but my response was clumsier than I wanted.

[tf987]

You are free to date whomever you wish - without telling her. She expressed that she did not feel the same towards you as you did to her. You owe her nothing.

 

I think you missed the actual question. I know I'm free to date whomever I want - and I am. My question is more strategic - do I hurt any future chances with her by being 100% open about my activities when she asks? ...as she did when she called yesterday?