When it rains it truly pours

[quirky]

Yes the saying is sadly right. I wish it wasn't because it gets me so confused. I went on another date with a guy I've known for a while and I started spending time with again lately. I met this guy last year when I had first split up with my ex. He is interesting but the timing was all wrong. I got over the breakup a lot, worked on myself and now we've met again we seem to get along much better. Last night we had a great time. I've said before that he's not traditionally my type but that I wanted to explore it.

 

I also met another guy who called me today and would like to hang out for a coffee. He is a foreigner so maybe he's just looking for friends so I won't be too bothered about this.

 

And of course my crazy ex contacts me again..He texted me that he is sending me a letter. That he still has feelings for me, that life is short and that last time we talked he thought many times "why are we not together?". I'm so sad at this...I have wanted my ex so much..this letter will affect me once again like all his other contacts. I haven't replied to his text. I don't know what to say. The story with my ex is like a thorn in my heart, like something that didn't reach its full potential, like a lost dream. I often felt "how can me and him be appart?". But I convinced myself that he doesn't want to take it further and I had now started to really move on.

 

I don't know what to do.. And I can't meet up with my ex, we are in different countries now. Ugh...do they smell it or something when you move on?

[Seraphim]

I think if I remember right....correct me if I have it wrong, that you said in that relationship you felt like you were always "teaching him" and changing him to more what you wanted. That you felt he was pretty much hopeless before you met him and you were insulted that he adopted some of your ways and interests after you broke up. Plus too you are in different countries. I do not think any of that has the makings of a successful relationship. I would just ignore the text and letter and move on.

[quirky]

I think if I remember right....correct me if I have it wrong, that you said in that relationship you felt like you were always "teaching him" and changing him to more what you wanted. That you felt he was pretty much hopeless before you met him and you were insulted that he adopted some of your ways and interests after you broke up. Plus too you are in different countries. I do not think any of that has the makings of a successful relationship. I would just ignore the text and letter and move on.

 

Yes, it's true, I remember you replying to one of my threads

 

When we had last talked though he sounded really different. And we had surprisingly taken the same path at healing. He sounded much more aware of things. I really can't know for sure..

[Seraphim]

Would it work though being so far from one another? Have you got over the feelings of resentment?

[amandamarie]

Wow quirky, I can imagine that this would set you back some. It is funny how once you start to feel better they take notice. I for one would be really curious to see what he writes in the letter that he sends. I would almost be tempted to respond to his text by saying "thanks, I look forward to reading your letter" or something simple like that. Just to buy some time to really think about it. Maybe his letter will give you more clues what to do next.

 

I know that earlier when you posted it sounded like you really missed the country where you lived with him. Would you consider moving back at some point if you did have a relationship with him? Honestly, I really feel for you, I know the situation has to be difficult, but I would try to keep my options open now with the other guys, if you like them. Maybe if you did want to explore the relationship with you ex, you could let him know - but I think since he was the one who was never putting forth the most effort in the relationship, it would be nice for him to actually take some kind of action (such as visiting you!) if he really wanted to be with you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You say this I convinced myself that he doesn't want to take it further and I had now started to really move on.

 

but on April 15th you wrote this:

I wonder if I'll ever meet someone

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Yes..I do. I don't know why I'm disheartened today. I don't meet anyone I reaaally like. I have only had foreign boyfriends (mostly British) and now I'm in my home country I don't fancy anyone. One is interesting but takes drugs, one is too sociable, one is too passive..I truly wonder..I feel a lot of pressure because of my age.

 

I have a second date with someone tonight and I'm not as excited as I'd like. I keep thinking of my ex. I'm giving this guy a chance because he is very different to what I usually go for. I am trying to break old patterns. I don't know if it's him, the heartrending breakup I've recently gone through, my belief in love but I feel afraid to talk about deeper parts of me. I still think deep down I'm a mistake and anyone who gives me attention I should take it because I shouldn't be picky..what goes through my mind is "well you are a bit strange and you are 31 so better settle because most guys like more ordinary and young"

I don't show all that, I'm only telling eNA about it. All my life people told me I was unique and genuine but I find it really hard to meet anyone here. I usully like shy guys. I'm bubbly and I'm scared of intimidating them so I hope they make a move on their own.

 

Maybe I should move back to the UK. Ugh..I hate losing my faith.

 

Anyone feel the same? Tips, ideas?

 

This does not sound like you have started to move on. Don't confuse starting to date with starting to move on. Lots of people date when they are still pining for someone else, in other words, they are forcing themselves but haven't actually moved on. Even having a new partner doesn't mean someone has moved on. How many people have rebounded into a new relationship but are still moping about their ex. Moving on means you have no more warm fuzzy, romantic, "I wish it could work" feelings for your ex. You are not there yet...and you are forcing yourself to date this guy not because of who this guy is, but because you are trying to prove a point to yourself. Dating this guy is about you and your inner demons...he has become your "proving ground"...anybody who dates someone in order to prove something to themself is not dating for the right reasons.

 

You are still in love with your ex and still hoping things could be different. I would suggest responding to his text thanking him for the letter and that you will be in touch once you receive it and have read it. Keep the lines of communication open...he might genuinely have changed for the better.

[quirky]

thank you for your comments

 

Have you got over the feelings of resentment?

 

Not completely..but it's not about him now, it's more about me not perceiving the fallout of the relationship as a rejection.

 

I know that earlier when you posted it sounded like you really missed the country where you lived with him. Would you consider moving back at some point if you did have a relationship with him?

 

That's the thing. My ex is not a bad person but I did get hurt and I don't know what I'm willing to risk. Regarding my life here I have taken some steps forward regarding accepting permancy here. Nevertheless I haven't given it my all, I mainly hang around with foreigners that I met through meet link removed where we speak in English a lot and I come here on eNA where again I don't speak my mother tongue. Sometimes I've thought something's not right with this, that maybe my heart yearns for my life in London but other times I think that maybe it's ideal, I'm close to my family and have the foreign element that I like. I know I'd prefer to do my music there. I've said it before. Intellectually I belong there, much more challenges for me and I also felt I could find love easier there. And emotionally it's better here, the sun, people are warmer and more direct and there's no paranoia.

 

I guess I just have to see what the letter says..

[quirky]

CAD - I don't think I want to prove something to myself by dating this guy, at least it doesn't feel this way.. The more time I have spent with him the more I like him. I know it's still early to tell but so far I've seen things with him that no guy did before. I've said before he's not what I usually go for and I'm not what he usually goes for either. But isn't this what we advise people to do when they look for love..to open up more? If I waited longer until I was completely healed..well..I feel that we sometimes have to give ourselves that extra push, it's been 9 1/2 months, I don't wanna grieve any longer with why's and what if's. I do still have feelings about my ex, I said that in the OP though I can't help but worry, it's been a rollercoaster. But I will reply and I will read the letter when it arrives.