When to hold on, when to move on...

[uncomfynumb]

I'm posting this in this section rather than the "Healing" section because this seems to be the place that dumpers like to lurk. I know that each person's experince is entirely individual but there has got to be a "definative" answer here, especially for moving on.

 

Some people go from break up to healing without a pause. And yet others hold on, focus on getting back together and put the majority of their time and energy into that.

 

You are here. You are holding on. Why?

 

The reason I ask is for me and because what you post may answer the questions that I still have. Those questions being:

 

Did I do enough?

Could I have done it better?

Is it or was it worth fighting for?

And how do you determine if a relationship or person is worth fighting for? OR how do you know that if absolutely doesn't get better than this?

 

I won't pretend that I don't think I know the answers to the questions because I think that I do. But I still question if I am right. Rather, I question "what if I'm wrong?"

 

Whether reconcilling is or something you want now or have ever wanted in the past, I hope that you share your thoughts and experiences as I have no doubt they will prove insightful.

[uncomfynumb]

Edited to change dumpers to dumpees in the first paragraph. I'm on my iPhone and it likes certain words!

[cheeseboy]

what if I'm wrong?

 

Well, you're still alive, have friends and family. And i know, three months on, it does get easier. If you know the answers, do what you think. See, i see lots of people one here with "should I?, could I?"

 

I think there is a reasonable amout of sense in taking some time to take perspective of the situation. But if after some time, you feel you want to so sometime, i think "why not"....

[JonasWaingaro]

I'm posting this in this section rather than the "Healing" section because this seems to be the place that dumpers like to lurk.

 

Dumpers lurk here?! Interesting questions. I have an answer but I'll wait to hear what 'break-up initiators' say. (I'm weening off dumpers/dumpee mentality) hehe

 

Edited to change dumpers to dumpees in the first paragraph. I'm on my iPhone and it likes certain words!

 

And my iPhone does this all the time. It doesn't seem to realize the correct word misspelled is 10x better then the wrong word spelled correctly.

[uncomfynumb]

To clairify; I'm not neccesarily asking for direct advise regarding my own situation however feel free to offer that and your opinions. All are welcome. But I do hope that you will take the time to answer the questons from your, the dumpees standpoint, about your situation.

[Billy Ray]

It always too me a long time to get over a break up. When my ex wife divorsed me it took years to 100% get over her and I asked those same questions: Did I do enough, could i have done better, etc. After enough time goes by you eventually get over them and don't ever think of them again.

 

I've learned that in future relationships to be a better person, more understanding, more loving, and more patient.

[adviseseeker]

Some people go from break up to healing without a pause. And yet others hold on, focus on getting back together and put the majority of their time and energy into that.

 

Every person begins healing after a breakup - everything that we feel within ourselves after the breakup is the process of healing. Wanting to get back together or being open to it (after some time has passed) doesn't necessarily mean that you are not healed from the break up or focusing on healing. These are separate entities.

 

You are here. You are holding on. Why?

 

I'm here and holding on (loosely) because I still have hope left for getting back together with my ex and I'd like to listen/learn/share my story with others as well. I will probably be here until he closes the door for good on our relationship finally, or wants to reconcile.

 

So, how do you know when/if to move on? The answer to this question resides within each individual. There is no definitive answer to this whole process, it happens on it's own over time. The length of time depends on each person and the circumstances. Everyone is different as every relationship is different. I think when you have done all you feel you can do it happens.

 

"Moving on does not necessarily mean you will be able to stop loving that person. Moving on, walking away or 'getting over' that person means that you stop expecting him/her to give you what he/she is unable to, is unwilling to, or just doesn't want to."

 

These are some questions to ask yourself if considering giving it another shot with an ex, or thinking about that shortly after a breakup:

 

Do you want your ex back because you are lonely? Are you still hurting and think that getting back together will make it feel better? Do you want him/her only because you can't have him/her? Do you have a reason to believe that things will be different? Have you worked through your own personal issues?

 

Don't give up if you really deep down believe that your relationship is worth saving.

[rvision]

Adviceseeker that is exactly right. Great post.

[uncomfynumb]

That was a great post adviseseeker.

 

My is a great guy and as i've stated elsewhere, I think we were good together and we had great potential but he didn't want to put in the effort obviously or he would have stayed in the relationship. I told I thought we should stay together and work on it and he didn't agree.

 

I understand completely that healing process is individual and that each person can only make the decision to move for themselves when they are ready. But I do think there is a definative answer to when it is time stop fighting for it and that is when you realize that the person you love doesn't love you back in the way that you want.

 

It would be so easy for me to jusify getting back in the ring so to speak. And I would be a liar if I said that I don't sometimes wonder if I should pick up the phone and call him that he is waiting for me to reach out to him. I wonder sometimes if it was all a misunderstanding, that he was really just asking for space because he was overwhelmed and didn't really want our relationship to end forever. Because after all he did say, "I'm not saying I can never give you what you want (a committed relationship), I just can't right now.". Those words play over sometimes in my mind, less and less however as time goes on.

 

And then I come to my senses and realize that this phone thing works both ways, that he is putting in zero effort. And now so am I.

[Live-N-Learn]

And then I come to my senses and realize that this phone thing works both ways, that he is putting in zero effort. And now so am I.

 

At some point in the process of trying to win our ex's back the law of deminishing returns kicks in and at that point we must make the tough decision to let go and move on. Until this happens, many of us are so wrapped up emotionally in trying to get our ex back that we allow ourselves to live on bread crumbs which the ex seems fine to give us.

 

How foolish of us to think this will have any positive outcome. For me it was only a band aid on a giant wound. She gave me just enough to take away some of the pain of losing her and it would last for a short period of time but then it was worse than before since it left me empty and wanting more.

 

I finally had to cut her off because after 3 months of crumbs I realized I was not probably ever going to get the full meal. I had lost respect for myself and was no longer willing to feel this way. I chose to remove that which was causing me so much pain.

 

I am now on day 6 of NC and will not look back. My situation is like many on here who have ex's that want to keep us around for many different reasons but do not want to come back. If that is what you want then go for it. I did for 3 months but it was truly fruitless.

 

With that said there were some positives I took away from it. That is I know in my heart I tried my very best to get her back and I now will never have to look back and wonder what if I would have tried a litte harder. A little more sadistic but in the end she was willing to keep me around for bread crumbs and I was able to tell her I was dumping her. Kinda felt good to take my power back after 3 months of her having it.

[rvision]

Scott it comes back to what adviceseeker said above and each individual deals with this differently:

 

"Moving on does not necessarily mean you will be able to stop loving that person. Moving on, walking away or 'getting over' that person means that you stop expecting him/her to give you what he/she is unable to, is unwilling to, or just doesn't want to."

 

For me I realise that the X is not the source of my pain, the source of my pain is in my head and in my thoughts. I don’t need to go NC as I can deal with the emotions after a breakup and can manage them as such that even with limited contact my wound still heals. I accept the pain and grieve when I need to and smile and be happy the rest of the time. There are always 2 people involved and even dumpers find it hard at times maybe not as hard as it is for the dumpee but that’s just the nature of the breakup.

 

I think both partners need to move on if there is any chance of a lasting reconciliation and the length of time apart and other outside influences are the unknown variables for both partners. So I don’t agree it’s foolish to think of a positive outcome, the positive outcome is you are the person that originally attracted your X and not the broken person you can fall in to after a breakup. I think of the wizard of Oz as an example to get me through these times: The tinman, scarcrow and Lion were all wondering the yellow brick road looking for brains, a heart and courage but when they reached the end they realised they already had all these qualities. You haven’t lost anything after a breakup and you only become a better person.

 

NC is a great way of dealing with things if you have no other option and is ultimately a win-win solution to a breakup. I’ve used it in my early breakups when my heart wasn’t as strong as it is now and it works every time.

 

So as for when to Move on and when to hold on, don’t hold on to anything move on to everything.

[Live-N-Learn]

[quote=rvision;I think both partners need to move on if there is any chance of a lasting reconciliation and the length of time apart and other outside influences are the unknown variables for both partners.

 

NC is a great way of dealing with things if you have no other option and is ultimately a win-win solution to a breakup. I’ve used it in my early breakups when my heart wasn’t as strong as it is now and it works every time.

 

Does that mean you both move on and get completely over each other then reconciliation may be possible?

 

Are you saying NC is for those who are weak? When do you decide you have no other option?

 

My ex was giving me bread crumbs, having me when she wanted me and disappearing when she didn't. I was dying inside and felt I had to stop that which was causing me so much pain. I hung in there for 3 months but just felt I could not do it any longer. I may have lost her for good now but at least I am dealing with all the mixed signals.

[GenoGeno]

Does that mean you both move on and get completely over each other then reconciliation may be possible?

 

Are you saying NC is for those who are weak? When do you decide you have no other option?

 

My ex was giving me bread crumbs, having me when she wanted me and disappearing when she didn't. I was dying inside and felt I had to stop that which was causing me so much pain. I hung in there for 3 months but just felt I could not do it any longer. I may have lost her for good now but at least I am dealing with all the mixed signals.

 

Are you feeling much better with the NC? I know I'm like one day behind you on the NC but it doesn't seem to be making me feel any better. Only worse?

[rvision]

Does that mean you both move on and get completely over each other then reconciliation may be possible?

 

NC should be used as a tool to heal yourself and move on not as a tool for reconciliation. The chances of reconcilliation are slim either way with or without, but NC offers the fastest path to getting over a breakup.

 

Are you saying NC is for those who are weak? When do you decide you have no other option?

 

No its not for the weak, I know some very strong people who use it to get over breakups. Its just the tried and tested way of healing a broken heart. But I think to many people use it as a tool against their X or in master plans to win them back etc. Sure its great to feel that control but it can also dramatically backfire and hurt you more if used for the wrong reasons.

 

My ex was giving me bread crumbs, having me when she wanted me and disappearing when she didn't. I was dying inside and felt I had to stop that which was causing me so much pain. I hung in there for 3 months but just felt I could not do it any longer. I may have lost her for good now but at least I am dealing with all the mixed signals.

 

Don't worry I'm in a similar boat after 3 weeks since my breakup, she only messages me on Facebook chat and keeps me at arms length. I'm moving on and getting on with my life and I know she is to. Yes its hard at times but think about yourself, who you were and still are and let nature takes its course and everything will work out.

[adviseseeker]

I think it's best to continue taking care of yourself and trying hard not to wonder if reconciliation will happen or not. The more you think of this the more you will probably shoot down other possibilities that come your way as well. I think that for every breakup there should be a period of time where both have quite a bit of space away from each other to figure things out, mostly not in much contact at all, and acceptance that the old relationship is gone/broken. You can't really do much besides doing things for yourself and getting your life together as you can't force someone to feel the same thing back.

 

Also, when I say not to give up if you truly deep down believe it's worth fighting for - You have to really be honest with yourself and realistic about the situation as well. This should be realized after much thought and time away, and you have to think about: Am I being realistic thinking that its even possible? Don't allow yourself to believe something just because you're hurting, when deep down you know it's probably not going to work. You will be able to tell after some time if you're lying to yourself. If you think you can do better, you probably can...

 

I know sometimes it's silly to think 'if it's meant to be it'll happen' but really, it happens quite a bit that people come back together after years apart and seeing other people. It might even be best if you have quite a bit of time away from the other person anyway, more than a few months maybe.

 

And really, what's the rush? If you want to get back together with this person and share the rest of your lives together - what's a few more months of time apart? Nothing really, so don't rush it!

 

Keep an open mind too, you never know who can show up after a breakup - my ex showed up after a breakup and that breakup was the best thing that ever happened to me (whether I get back with my current ex or not).

 

So, if it's been a while and you haven't seen this person in a long long time, but you still have some lingering feelings for them and wonder what it would be like? Call them up, dumper or dumpee it doesn't matter at that point. But right after a breakup, not a good idea.

[rvision]

And really, what's the rush? If you want to get back together with this person and share the rest of your lives together - what's a few more months of time apart? Nothing really, so don't rush it!

 

Yeah this is true.

 

Its also useful to think of a past R'ship in scale with your life. In the grand sceme of things even a 5yr R'ship seems small compared to that of your life.

[Tangz]

Good post.

[MattUK2010]

"So, if it's been a while and you haven't seen this person in a long long time, but you still have some lingering feelings for them and wonder what it would be like? Call them up, dumper or dumpee it doesn't matter at that point. But right after a breakup, not a good idea."

Adviseseeker - what do you call a long time? 7-8 weeks since the breakup long enough?

[uncomfynumb]

Well I must say that the past several days have been very enlightening for me. The way that I handled my breakup what I have read is almost perfect according to the author of "Uncoupling." I've not read the entire book yet but the author states that not being friends, and going NC improve your chances of reconcililation over other methods. Going NC, as we all know, also helps in the healing process as well.

 

After much thought, and I guess that I didn't consider this before but I think another thing that dumpees could do to help them move on faster is to talk with their ex, if possible about the reasons for the breakup and talk about the chance of reconciliation. I think this needs to be done within the first month of breaking up but after a couple of weeks of thinking about things and writing things down and certainly after emotions have simmered down a bit. And if the ex states that they don't know or need to buy time, don't let them. Treat it as a breakup and that they don't want to reconcile. Talk about this too because they need to know that you think people should work on their issues regarding the relationship together and that you can't handle it any other way.

[zinny]

Interesting post... and though I do agree that some relationships come back together after a good break apart, it can be dangerous for those who are freshly heartbroken to continue on this train of thought... because it's brings them to a place of limbo.

 

I've done it to myself for 7 months.... I know I've given it all I could and I know that I do deserve more in a partnership. But having that slight glimmer of "hope" with my ex has caused me to fear moving on.... Having an ex tell you that they want to be with you but the timing is just not right... having him tell me that he still loved me and wanted to be with me but needed to "sort out his life and be selfish for a bit".... it made me fear truly moving on and putting myself out there for new possibilities. I was so scared to hurt him and in turn allowed myself to have pain inflicted on me.

 

It's contradictorary for one to move on with their life but not entirely give up on a possible reconciliation down the road. You can't move on when you are still holding onto hope... because you may be playing the part but you aren't really living the life.

 

I'm only speaking from personal experience though... I've been playing the part for 7 months now and I truly want to move on. I can't live on crumbs anymore, it's been a lot more heart wrenching then had he of left and never given me hope.

 

Sometimes you have to stop looking at the possibilities/hope and look at the reality of the situation... accept it for what it is and stop asking if/when/how it might change. And when you look at the reality of what it is, you might start to see that it's something you might not even want anymore.

[Live-N-Learn]

Are you feeling much better with the NC? I know I'm like one day behind you on the NC but it doesn't seem to be making me feel any better. Only worse?

 

Geno, I would say I have a little more peace in knowing the games are over and she will probobly never contact me again. I just feel like I shut the door on any chances of eve getting her back and it hurts and I feel some regrest for sending the goodbye letter. Today is day 7 of NC and I am struggling bad todayl What makes it hard is how big and how often over the past five weeks the bread crumbs were. texting me a lot, but then disappear. Hang out with me at leat 7 times over the past 5 weeks drinking, dancing and kissing but not come home with me after. Then last Monday as the zoo she treated me like a friend at the zoo and did not hold my hand. That was it for me.

 

I guess I need to hold onto the fact the she was probobly just attempting to friendzone me cuz I am a lot of fun and though she hung out and made out with me when drinking, it does not equate to testing to see if she wants to come back. She should already know if she wants to come back after me hanging in there 3 months post breakup. I need to try to be honest with myself and tell myself she doesn't or she would already.

 

Would you agree? She should already know if she wanted to come back right? I guess we will see through me staying NC if she really cares enough to want to come back. If not, I will heal and move on. I just want to let go of this stupid hope of her coming back and that I blew my chances by announcing NC and not saying don't call less you want to come back. I tried that last time I went NC for 11 days and she did not call. So I guess this time closing the door was the right thing. I hate this.

[rvision]

Don't just close the door god dam lock it as well.

 

Scott stick in there, your doing well my friend, stay positive accept the feelings you feel, be thankful, love and true to yourself.

[adviseseeker]

"So, if it's been a while and you haven't seen this person in a long long time, but you still have some lingering feelings for them and wonder what it would be like? Call them up, dumper or dumpee it doesn't matter at that point. But right after a breakup, not a good idea."

Adviseseeker - what do you call a long time? 7-8 weeks since the breakup long enough?

 

No no no, I mean if a really long time has passed. If it's been close to a year or more. This only applies to when you think of an ex after a long time being apart and still wonder about them and if the relationship could work again. At that time there is nothing to lose and no feelings of hurt left, just some fond memories and curiosity.

 

It's definitely not best to hold onto hope for reconciliation thinking it may happen in the future, but just know that sometimes it does and if it's meant to be that will happen. It's when you let go and try other things in life, see if there is something out there better for you. Move on from the relationship, but not necessarily become bitter to the ex or close the door on them forever by telling them never to contact you again. You don't want there to be any hard feelings really, just let them go and give them their freedom and who knows what could happen later on. Just don't expect anything to happen because a lot of times something even better and more amazing comes along for both people. And be open to something different too.

[Live-N-Learn]

Don't just close the door god dam lock it as well.

 

You made me laugh...thanks

[rvision]

glad i mad you laugh, put a smile on my face.

 

Silly thing is ive locked my door but my x has a key to it! my apartment that is!