mr. dd Posted April 17, 2010 Share Posted April 17, 2010 Hey all, 7.5 months ago, the beginning of september, I was dumped by my ex girlfriend. It was really difficult for me to get over, and I am still not sure if I am over it, and lately I have been feeling worse instead of healing and moving on. Specifically, the thing that still bothers me is just the way it happened. There is no easy way to breakup with people, but there are certainly harsh ways, and I think mine falls into the latter category. I want to give a bit of info here before I ask my real question at the end... THE RELATIONSHIP/BREAKUP: Me and her dated for 2.25 years, and went to the same university. We knew each other for a few years before we started dating, not well, but good enough that it was easy to dive in quickly. However, the thing is she was still getting over a really bad breakup (her ex of 3 years cheated on her, she walked in on him having sex with someone else... also i think he was really verbally cruel to her). Also though, she was seeing another guy right after the breakup. He was a rebound, she admitted it, but that started up a few weeks after her nasty breakup, and lasted for a month, then I entered the picture. Obviously, 1.5 months is not long enough to get over that kind of breakup and so I think in retrospect I may have been a rebound also. I had been single for awhile, so I was really wasn't coming into this relationship with any sort of baggage, and I would say that I was probably in the best place of my life at that time. Like I said though, things heated up quickly and we both dove into this relationship. In a lot of ways, she was the girl of my dreams and I was always happy in the relationship. She finished up her undergraduate degree and 1 year masters degree while we dated, and I finished up my 2 undergraduate degrees. We both finished our time at that school together, and were planning on moving in together, to a new city. I was going to start my masters and she a new job. We spent all summer looking for a great place for us, and put alot of effort into it, and got a great place we were both excited for. She stressed out a few times about various things about the move, but overall she was a stressful person so I didn't put too much extra thought into the meaning of it. Obviously now I know that she must have been having doubts all along. Well the day before we were supposed to move her stuff into our apartment, a week before I was about to start school, she dropped the BOMB.. She wanted to be single. The actual breakup process was horrible. It wasn't just that night, it took about 3 days of back and forth, and a week "break" but the obvious happened and she said she wanted to break up for real. The reason I think it hurt me so much was because, yea I was moving to be with her, she found the job first and I could have done my masters anywhere, so I was sort of following her to a new city I knew no one in, a new masters program, far away from my family and friends. Mostly it hurt because I was happy and wanted to be with her and thought she wanted the same. Thought she was happy, thought we had a good relationship. Turns out, she had been straying a little towards the end, and gotten drunk and made out with some guys at bars. That hurt as well. Also I am sure more happened, but she didn't admit to it and it took a lot of effort just to get her to admit to making out with other guys. Also, what 24 year old women gets totally hammered drunk and makes out with random guys at a bar? I guess the immaturity that she had that I used to find endearing ended up being a serious breaking point for us. What also hurt is that SHE wanted to break up with ME! I know eh? The gall it takes for her to want to dump me. Ha. But in all seriousness, I had actually been the rock of our relationship for pretty much the whole time, she was going through some serious stuff during our 2.25 years. Eating disorders, depression, her grandma dying. I was always there, and I felt like she used me, and abandoned me when the relationship just wasn't for her. Like she didn't want to be alone, so she dated me for 2 years and then when it was time for her to upgrade, she did. Thats about the only thing that can get me mad. I am a very calm dude, but that one thought gets to me still. I hope its not true, and I think it would be a bad thing to assume she "used" me for 2 year as a rebound, but its a hard thought to escape sometimes. Oh yea, and she definitly got involved with some guy she just met that summer. 1 week after we broke up. In a long distance relationship with a guy in the army. So that was it, I was expecting to move in with the love of my life, that day when we were going to move her stuff into OUR apartment was the happiest day of my life. A week before I was about to start my new life with her, in a new city, it was scary but I was really excited cuz I thought I had a partner to be with me. Then BAM! She told me she had been cheating on me all summer and wanted to breakup. And that was it, we talked a few times the following weeks, all by email, because we had to sort things out, but basically I moved out and never spoke to her again. Its been 8 months of NC, but it certainly still weighs heavily on my mind from time to time. That was a deep cut, it left a deep scar, and I cannot shake it totally off. I am much better now, I was a wreck for quite awhile after, but it affected me greatly. REAL QUESTION: Here is my real question though... (YES there is a point to this, not just my sad sob story) Am I ever really going to be able to get over it? I didn't get seriously involved with anyone right after because I didn't want to rebound, but then I got to a point where I figured I was "as over it as I could get while still being single". Thats how I thought of it. I needed to experience another person to get over the rest, the lingering issues of trusting another person, putting my heart back out there, that kind of stuff. Now I have a new girlfriend, actually I got involved with a girl who I was madly in love with in high school, who after 10 years of being friends with me realized that she too had feelings for me (the stuff of RomComs!). And its been great, and new and exciting, and something I have always wanted (we kind of lost touch while me and the ex were dating for those 2+ years). Also the sex is mind blowing. She is mature, very mature, and has had a real tough life yet still is super positive and has dealt with her issues so well. Whereas my ex had so many issues and dealt with them in a child like manner (although I shouldn't compare). However, it didn't work out that way I wanted. Being in a new relationship didn't magically finish the healing process for me. It still hurts, and now it seems like its hurting a bit more these days. Although I realize its all about the ebb and flow, 2 steps forward, 1 step backward, and its a long process to heal. I am happy with my new girlfriend, but the thing that gets to me is I am starting this relationship with serious baggage, where as my last relationship with my ex, I had been single and happy for some time before we got involved, was in a great place in my life, and that made things so much easier for me. Now I have this baggage. Anyways, does that make sense to anyone? How does one get over the heartbreak from a first love? I am wondering if I ever will these days, which sucks because I was kinda hoping that the pain would eventually go away, and its really not. Thanks for anyone who read this novel. Link to comment
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