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Help with trust


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I need to to let go, but it seems like when I do, the mistrust just comes back again.

I am in an incredibly happy relationship right now, I get along with this person very well, it is, between us, relationship heaven, really a story book could be written about how lovely and happy it is, but inside me my lack of trust is eating at me.


I had my heart broken not long ago, and even though I was unhappy in the relationship by the time it ended, it was at one time a very happy relationship. I want to say 'like the one I have now' but it wasn't, we still fought very early on and it wasn't ANYTHING like the one I have now, in which we very very rarely have any sort of disagreement and when we do, we resolve it very well. So could it be I'm just scared of something so happy being taken away from me?


That's the thing, this relationship is the healthiest, happiest one I've ever had and I'm scared to death that I will lose him! I talk to him about my insecurity and trust issues, he says he will wait patiently for me to resolve them, and that he's here for me (and he ALWAYS is), but it's unfair to him. He is completely confident in our relationship and it's future, very self-assured and I want to share that feeling with him...I feel like it does hurt him when I have doubts and each time I do, it pushes him away a little. So then I get insecure about having doubts about insecurity...it is a vicious cycle. I need to deal with this on my own so that I can join him in the confidence that this relationship deserves. BUT HOW?


I analyze everything he does, I went through a snooping phase but have been forcing myself NOT to do so, because he's never done anything outright wrong (maybe some things that I've gone and read into and over analyzed and upset myself with, but in reality, they are NOTHING and he is the perfect man) and well, IT IS SOO SO SO WRONG of me to be doing that, but I still want to...it is like an addiction, someone slap me!


Help, please, I need advice on letting go before I do something to destroy this magnificent relationship. What's wrong with me!?!?!

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This is tough- I actually went through a lot of insecurities in the beginning of my current relationship too. Like you, my relationship is also the happiest one that I've had, and I was really confused about why I was feeling that way (like, why didn't I feel insecure in my other relationships, where I actually had real reasons to be insecure??)


I wonder- deep down, do you feel like you don't really deserve to be in a happy relationship like this? Do you feel like there's no way that someone as good as him would want to be with you, so you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop? Is that why you snoop, because something must be up with him that you don't know about?


I could be really off base here, but for me, my problems had a lot to do with my self esteem issues and feeling like I don't deserve to be fully loved. I got through it, we are still very happy together, and I learned a lot about myself in the process. I hope that you can let go and do the same too.

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Thank-you for the reply!


yes! I do feel that way very much. I feel almost guilty, like I'm getting something that's too good to be true (and you know what they say about that!) I feel unworthy, not ALL the time, but enough to make me think that it triggers this line of thought.


How did you resolve your self esteem issues?

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I feel almost guilty, like I'm getting something that's too good to be true (and you know what they say about that!)


Ha ha, that quote sounds SO familiar...


I'm not sure that I can pinpoint what exactly helped me, I think it was a combination of things. I have found that it really helps to become involved in a hobby or something else to distract you from thinking about your boyfriend all the time. I know that I came up with some pretty crazy stuff that I thought he was up to when I had tons of time to sit there and just think about it. Oddly enough, this helped me self esteem, but another big thing was that I learned to start doing things just for myself, to send myself the message that I am important too. Personally, I love to cook but before this breakthrough I would only really cook for other people, I like feeling like I'm taking care of people. I started to cook just for myself and that somehow started to send my brain the message that I'm worthy of being cared for too. And of course there's always eating healthy and exercise too.


Another big thing is to realize that if he really is hiding something from you (which I doubt), then you're not going to be able to find out about it by worrying and snooping. If he is hiding something from you, it is completely out of your power. All you can do is love him the best that you can. It will all come out eventually, and at that point you can make a decision, but this is part of the risk of being in love.


I hope some of this helps... I think it's normal to be scared, by the way, you just don't want that fear to get in the way of a good relationship.

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