"I'm never getting married!"

[jen83]

So last night, bf and I are watching a movie where this couple is going through a separation and bf blurts out "god, I am never getting married!". Which isn't something he's ever said before. We've been dating for 10 months--things have been great. We've never discussed getting married, but he's joked about it and about having children(not soon).

 

However, he DOES really want to move in together and we've talked about selling our houses and buying one together--and this talk doesn't bother him one bit.

 

I think it's too early to talk about getting married(we haven't even said ILY to each other yet), but I would at some point, probably like to get married to some one so his comment was offputting and a little surprising--he's never indicated anything like that before. I sort of feel like it may have been said in response to the bad situation we were seeing in the movie because he's casually talked about marriage and children and stuff before and didn't have such a strong reaction. I am 25 and he is 28, btw.

 

Thoughts?

[sophie274]

I don't think that comment is significant - I say all the time "Ugh I'm NEVER getting married" or "OMG I'm NEVER having children" when I see ugly situations with marriage/children, when in fact I do very much want to get married and have kids. So I wouldn't read too much into just that one comment.

 

However, I don't think it's too early for you guys to talk about marriage/children. It's too early for you to talk about the two of you getting married, but not in general. I would have asked much earlier, in fact, to see that we were on the same page (I wouldn't date someone who didn't want to get married some day), but never mind. I think it's perfectly appropriate for you to say: "hey when we were watching that movie you said you were never going to get married - do you really not ever want to get married at all?" If he gets weird just say "I don't me to me in particular or anything - I just know there are some people who don't believe in marriage or don't want to ever get married, and I was wondering if that was what you meant". I think he should be able to answer that question.

 

Oh, and just saw - if you're talking about moving in together, then I think it's VERY appropriate for you to talk about relationship goals that the two of you have, including marriage and children, to and with EACH OTHER. I mean, you're starting to talk about merging your lives (which is what moving in is): before you take that big step, don't you want to know if you two are compatible in the long run? I wouldn't want to move in, buy furniture/appliances together, only to find out he didn't want children and I did, meaning that we'd have to break up at some point. It may also be a bit soon to move in if you haven't said "i love you" yet.

[Ms Darcy]

From my personal perspective, I don't believe in moving in together unless you are married or engaged to be married with a wedding date. (Of course, I am understanding of temporary situations). So, if my bf kept trying to live together, I would explain that philosophy to him.

 

That said, I think living together is a very big occasion, although people don't seem to take it very seriously at all. In your situation, I don't get the sense that he seems to take it seriously. He's seriously interested, but not taking it seriously. Why do I say this? Because while living together is a big deal, buying a house together is a HUGE deal. I would not do this with someone I was not married to. If he can commit to buying a home together, he can committ to marriage. If talking about marriage is too soon, buying a home together is too soon.

 

Either way, I think a general discusion about your beliefs on marriage is important because you need to hear what he thinks about it and not just what he jokes.

[Batya33]

I agree with this and, hard as it is, if you can't ask him what he means by a joke about marriage, then in my opinion you're not ready to live together, let alone own property. I completely understand that those conversations can be very awkward and difficult -- and not too romantic or blissful - but after you take your medicine you'll feel relieved and most likely closer to each other.

[Speranza]

Absolutely. Bravo!

 

Can I just ask too, is it just ME who thinks not only that it's a bit odd to plan to move in when you've never said 'I love you' and that it's quite a long time to have gone wihtout saying it? This is a genuine question cos I don't know if my expectations are unrealistic. If people really can do all this without expressing their love in words, perhaps I need to back-pedal on what I expect...

[Ms Darcy]

Can I just ask too, is it just ME who thinks not only that it's a bit odd to plan to move in when you've never said 'I love you' and that it's quite a long time to have gone wihtout saying it? This is a genuine question cos I don't know if my expectations are unrealistic. If people really can do all this without expressing their love in words, perhaps I need to back-pedal on what I expect...

 

Thank you for pointing this out. I didn't know what ILY meant!

 

No, you are not weird. I would think my bf a) was not that into me b) was not as emotionally available and communicative as I needed him to be if he didn't tell me he loved me within 10 months. There is 'taking it slow' and there is 'not moving forward.'

[sophie274]

Can I just ask too, is it just ME who thinks not only that it's a bit odd to plan to move in when you've never said 'I love you' and that it's quite a long time to have gone wihtout saying it? This is a genuine question cos I don't know if my expectations are unrealistic. If people really can do all this without expressing their love in words, perhaps I need to back-pedal on what I expect...

 

It would feel like a long time to me as well, to say "I love you". I don't think I would stay with a guy that long to get to love him, if I didn't love him after 10 months - and if I did love him, I would have said "i love you" and be unhappy not to have heard it back.

 

And yes, buying a house means tying your lives together for up to 7 years, really, which is the amount of time you're supposed to expect to hold a property before you can turn around and sell it (without taking a loss). BIG DEAL, at least to me, and not something I would do with someone I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life with.

[alli]

10 months is quite a while to not discuss what you want in your future at all. It's not like you're having a talk about marrying EACH OTHER, you just say that one of the things you want in your life is to get married. And if he doesn't want to get married ever, to you or anyone else, there is a basic conflict of compatability for your future goals. If you really want to get married in your life & he really doesn't, then you both are wasting your time.

 

I would ask him if when he said he never wanted to get married, if he was serious. Your not talking about planning a future together, you're just talking about what you each want in your own future to see if there is even a chance that it could work out.

 

Don't stay with someone a decade who doesn't want what you want, waiting around for them to change their mind. Find out what he wants.

[sidehop]

10 months is a long time...let alone buying a house together without planning ahead in the relationship aspect of things could spell a diaster.

[Kumatora]

So last night, bf and I are watching a movie where this couple is going through a separation and bf blurts out "god, I am never getting married!". Which isn't something he's ever said before. We've been dating for 10 months--things have been great. We've never discussed getting married, but he's joked about it and about having children(not soon).

 

However, he DOES really want to move in together and we've talked about selling our houses and buying one together--and this talk doesn't bother him one bit.

 

Don't move in unless he is SURE he wants to marry you. Realize that his comment might of been a reaction from a movie, not in real life. If you think differently about his reaction, it's up to you to investigate. If moving in is a plan that is soon to happen, you deserve a chat with him about what are HIS goals.

[_Asti_]

There's a difference between talking about the two of you getting married, and talking in general about your life long personal goals when it comes to being in a relationship.

 

10 months ISN'T too early to find out what he wants from a relationship. You need to know where he stands on these things prior to merging your households so that you know you are on the same track and doing these things together with the same visions and goals in mind.

 

These are things that need to be discsused prior to moving in together. If these things don't mesh up, its best to find it out before taking this big step together.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't see what the big deal is about not saying "I love you"...so many people throw those words around and really don't understand what it means. After 1 month of dating people are saying "I love you" when all it really means is "I lust for you". Some people don't say "I love you" but truly show it in their actions....others have the "I love you" words glide off their tongue like they are talking about the weather, and it doesn't mean anything. How many people have heard "I love you" from their partner only to have that partner turn around the next day or the next week and dump them. So the "I love you" words are not such a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

 

What I find worrisome is this more "devil may care" attitude towards buying a home yet being fearful it is too early to talk marriage. If marriage is premature, certainly selling your respective homes and buying something together is way way way too premature. I suspect his comment about marriage has more to do with reacting to the movie than with anything he has really thought about. In fact, I don't think either of you have really thought about the future of this relationship in really serious terms, more just in the romantic notions of sharing a house together rather than thinking about the financial and practical implications.

[Pnt8rshs]

You really do need to casually ask him if he does ever want to get married. I know from experience and it isn't fun, that if you don't ask, you end up 30, single and in a 1 BR apt. because of moving in w/out getting some goals worked out before moving in together!

 

IMO, you should be saying I love you by 8 months into a relationship; 10 months without the words is a bit long and you should not be considering to sell your house for a guy that doesn't say I love you yet.

 

I wasted 4 years on a relationship because I couldn't get him to say he wanted to get married. I listened to "I don't know if I do or not" for 4 years and here I sit.

 

Trust me, it is less painful to ask and hear the bad news than waste your life on someone only to hear the bad news later.

 

Maybe I'll be good news!!!

 

But, blurt it out.

[arcadefire]

You should bring up casually whether he believes in marriage, especially since you two talked about children together, etc. before you take a plunge and move in with him. You don't want to invest more time with someone you don't see a future with.

 

With regards to "I love you", if you truly feel it, why wait? See what his reaction is from that as well, since it will be a huge indicator of the future of your relationship with him.