Here comes the insecurity...

[sherryberrypie]

Bf and I have been together for 4 years, living together for 3 years (in June). We've talked about the future lots, kids, everything. We have talked about all of the little yet important things (will we take the kids to church on Sundays? Will any in-laws be living with us, how will we discipline kids... I can tell (and always have been able to tell) what kind of person he is, what kind of father/grandfather he'll be. We've also talked lots about fun wedding ideas, what we want our home to be like... on and on. Our values mesh. The problem is, I am still getting that same old line "when we have enough money" when friends ask us about getting married. The other day at the pub, someone started talking about a past wedding and my boyfriend started talking about this big hypothetical wedding we'd have...right down to the last detail. Our friends were like, "well... shouldn't you get engaged first?" I was kind of embarassed.

 

Honestly, it's starting to sound like an excuse to me. Seems to me that when you love someone and you want to start a life with them, there is no perfect time. The wedding really doesn't matter all that much to me, but he has plans. The weird thing is, he's not a materialistic person AT ALL. Except when it comes to creating this perfect day. I know perfect doesn't exist, but he sure seems to think that it just might. We don't have much money and we are just starting out, but that's the way it should be, right? We're not broke and suffering. No, I don't want to bring kids into the mix right now because we wouldn't be able to provide very well, but we could certainly get married.

 

Yet all I get, time and time again, is "when we have enough money." Neither of us has been saving any money. He insists that he wants me to have a nice ring and a nice wedding. Well, he could have easily saved a bit of money each month to get me a decent ring, but he hasn't. I don't know why he has all the say in this, and I can't help but think that if he really wanted to marry me and make it all official, he could have by now.

 

I see girls who break up with long time boyfriends and wind up engaged less than a year later... not that I would want to break up with him, but I don't really understand that phenomenon. Is the money thing just an excuse? Do long term partners take their partner's constant presence in their life for granted? I don't get it. I'm a great partner, he knows what I want and he himself constantly talks about what he wants , but it's just not happening.

[mgirl]

You should take the bull by the horns and propose to him! Why not?!

[citymouse]

Is it possible for you to move back home with family so that you can lower your living costs and start saving up for the wedding? I know that might sound extreme, but since he's communicating that money is the issue here, maybe you could take that ball and run with it.

 

I honestly think that sometimes it is too easy for guys to fall into a comfortable rut when you move in with them. He already has you in his life 24/7 since you're room-mates.

 

It sounds like he's a really nice guy and that you care for him deeply, but if you show him you're serious about saving up money for the wedding, maybe that will give him a nudge and he will end up deciding that the money isn't a big deal after all -- and rather than lose you as a room-mate, he might decide to take things to the next level.

[_Asti_]

Read "His Cold Feet" if you can get your hands on it.

 

I got the "When I have enough money" line from my guy as well for quite some time...but yet I saw him spend his money on trivial things, and large ticket items. I would confront him and say "How can you say that, when you go out and buy things like this..." sort of thing.

 

We talked at lengths about things..and it was about money.

Sometimes males don't perceive it the way females do.

 

For a male, getting married may mean providing for a family. Is he in a financial position to do so?

 

I know for my guy, he didn't feel manly. At the time I was making more money than him...he felt really down on himself and didn't really think he was fit to be a husband. Sure he could have saved and put a ring on me finger, but he'd be strapped monthly for cash, and then what? Time to save for a wedding, and be strapped for that..then what? House? Kids? Some males want a level of security.

 

When he came into a new job, guess what? He was dragging me into jewelery stores, ring was picked..and things have totally changed because guess what? THE MONEY IS THERE. He feels great, he's savings for our house, he's paid off all his debt, he's saving for our future, he feels like a man, he's proud of himself, and he's ready to take us on and give us a life.

 

If the two of you aren't saving, the money isn't there. Have you sat down and addressed this issue? Say you udnerstand that money is the reason for the two of you not moving forward, is it time to start a savings plan to make this happen?

 

I knew that the money thing wasn't an excuse NOT to marry me, even though people told me "Why would he marry you when he has the cow for free..." But I knew him, knew his goals and his wishes. I knew it wasn't a line, or an excuse, despite everything I was seeing and feeling at the time.

 

I think its just time for more communication about the direction. Create an action plan if you can. Ask him what he needs to do that would make him feel ready. I was able to hear many different things when I asked my guy this, and many different things also arised. Ask if there are fears.

[sherryberrypie]

Oh Asti, thank you. I knew you'd understand

 

I think our guys are quite similar. Alex starts his new career this week and he JUST told me that his first priority is saving up so that we can get married. For him, it isn't just about buying a ring (an absolute must for him apparently lol) and paying for a wedding, it's about providing for a family. Such a relief to hear him say that, and to know that he does see it as a priority.

 

 

I've gotten the free cow talk too many times and I think that clouds judgement after awhile. I need to ignore what others say and trust what I know.