vent about 'friends' at school

[greywolf]

So, I've never had a lot of friends. I had friends when I went to a college in another country, but when I came here to the U.S. and started going to college here, I never made friends. It never bothered me, because I've always been kind of reclusive and I knew that it was just because I didn't put myself out there (or so I thought).

 

I go to a new college now, and I have actually been trying to be really friendly with everyone. Not desperate-creepy friendly... but talking to people who sit next to me about school and homework.

 

The reason for this thread is that today during our lunch break, I went to the student break room and all the girls in my class were sitting together at a table. I stopped by their table to ask them something about school. All the seats were taken so I sat at another table and ate lunch by myself. I don't mind sitting by myself. It doesn't bother me, but I started thinking, if I had been sitting at that table and my classmate went to go eat by themselves, I would have offered to make some room, or tell them to push their table next to ours. And these are not classmates that I just have one class with. Several of them have been my classmates in previous classes. We've sat next to each other before, shared homework, etc., so they all know me.

 

I wondered if maybe I'm just really nice so that I shouldn't expect the same from others, but honestly, I don't think so. 'Nice' is usually not a word people use to describe me. It's just a little discouraging because I've finally decided to put effort into being friendly with people, instead of always keeping to myself, and no one really cares to be around me lol.

[Seraphim]

I am the kind also that would have come and sat with you. I hate to see anyone alone.

[greywolf]

It's just frustrating because I feel like the only people that try to make friends with me are guys, either because they want sex or they think I'm one of those 'nice' girls that'll validate them.

[LivingToday]

It's just frustrating because I feel like the only people that try to make friends with me are guys, either because they want sex or they think I'm one of those 'nice' girls that'll validate them.

 

^ Just because we talk and try to befriend a girl does not mean we have ulterior motives.

[greywolf]

^ Just because we talk and try to befriend a girl does not mean we have ulterior motives.

 

I didn't say that because of assumptions but rather from experience.

[greywolf]

Maybe I'm boring or not very likable? I've had this problem since elementary school.

[Rangafro]

Maybe I'm boring or not very likable?

 

It is not fair on yourself to be making these assumptions. Many people here certainly like you. I think the question is what is it about this place that is different? Maybe it is a comfort zone for you and there isn't as much pressure to fit in here. You can speak your mind at your own pace. Maybe your friends just don't like talking about school and homework heh. Either way I think you need to give them more of a chance, try to open up more (easier said than done I know) before you can expect them to open up to you. I think they can sense you're still a rather reclusive self-contained person, which is something that isn't going to come accross as much at ENA by virtue of you being active here.

[MakestheBest]

^ Just because we talk and try to befriend a girl does not mean we have ulterior motives.

Pfft..yeah right. lol. . like 80 percent of the time a guy wants to be your friend he's mildy attracted or very attracted to you.

 

making friends is a hard thing. Its kind of sensitive. Those girls you were in were kind prob a clique. Women at your age don't usually bond easily thats how it goes. You notice when you walk into a group usually its the men who open up and talk and the women who kind of just sit back and stare. I'm not sure why we're like that-it used to freaking annoy me in college. Appearance wise you're very pretty and there is something that seems to be kind of intense about you, so you may be intimidating to women at first.

 

I know that my appearance is intimidating(for various reasons), and when I was younger i used to make an extra effort so that guys and girls feel more comfortable around me.

 

If you want to make friends with women, its best to try one at a time not in a group. Don't make an effort. I mean just talk if you feel like talking...dont try to make small talk. If something comes into your head and you want to discuss it do. If it doesn't don't. If the person starts to talk to you then respond politely and interested. Its like handling dogs. If you are too interested and give to much energy people shy away. Try to put ure energy not into "being more friendly', but just being overall "open" and receptive to new people. It will come

 

Also don't look a gift horse in the mouth. If you make a lot of guy friends.. Cool. hang with them...just watch out, they usually try you at least once just to see.

[greywolf]

It is not fair on yourself to be making these assumptions. Many people here certainly like you. I think the question is what is it about this place that is different? Maybe it is a comfort zone for you and there isn't as much pressure to fit in here. You can speak your mind at your own pace. Maybe your friends just don't like talking about school and homework heh. Either way I think you need to give them more of a chance, try to open up more (easier said than done I know) before you can expect them to open up to you. I think they can sense you're still a rather reclusive self-contained person, which is something that isn't going to come accross as much at ENA by virtue of you being active here.

 

I don't just talk to them about school and homework though. We talk about other things too, and I participate in conversations during class breaks with them, whether it's about relationships, or complaining about the school (that happens a lot lol), etc. There's another girl in some of our classes that's even quieter than me, and I never see her hanging out with anybody, so I always invite her to sit with me or to get lunch together when I see her. I always figured it was just common courtesy.

 

 

Pfft..yeah right. lol. . like 80 percent of the time a guy wants to be your friend he's mildy attracted or very attracted to you.

 

making friends is a hard thing. Its kind of sensitive. Those girls you were in were kind prob a clique. Women at your age don't usually bond easily thats how it goes. You notice when you walk into a group usually its the men who open up and talk and the women who kind of just sit back and stare. I'm not sure why we're like that-it used to freaking annoy me in college. Appearance wise you're very pretty and there is something that seems to be kind of intense about you, so you may be intimidating to women at first.

 

I know that my appearance is intimidating(for various reasons), and when I was younger i used to make an extra effort so that guys and girls feel more comfortable around me.

 

If you want to make friends with women, its best to try one at a time not in a group. Don't make an effort. I mean just talk if you feel like talking...dont try to make small talk. If something comes into your head and you want to discuss it do. If it doesn't don't. If the person starts to talk to you then respond politely and interested. Its like handling dogs. If you are too interested and give to much energy people shy away. Try to put ure energy not into "being more friendly', but just being overall "open" and receptive to new people. It will come

 

Also don't look a gift horse in the mouth. If you make a lot of guy friends.. Cool. hang with them...just watch out, they usually try you at least once just to see.

 

How do I look intimidating? For the most part I think I look pretty plain. I dress simply, and don't wear make up.

 

I don't really have a problem with talking to them. We hang out sometimes especially when one certain girl is there. She's my friend more than any of the others so I usually end up hanging out with the girls when she's there. But if she's not, they don't invite me anywhere, and she's only in one of my classes this term.

 

Unfortunately, my school is 90% female. =/ Maybe that's a part of the problem. Although, I've noticed that individual guys easily make friends with me, but a group of friends with both guys and girls is even harder to be friends with than just a group of girls.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I think it's in this phrase that I've bolded that the problem lies - YOU'VE finally decided to become friendly, and are surprised that people aren't immediately responsive. Were you a bit stand-offish with this group of people before, and now want to be friends? Pardon me if I've misunderstood you. But it seems a little bit...I can't think of the right word, but something softer than arrogant...that you finally want friends and so people have to change. It's an ongoing thing to connect with people, not just when you decide that you want to be friends.

 

I can't explain it very well. My dad had a brilliant knack of making friends, and it seemed to be tied up with the fact that he LIKED, genuinely liked people. He would smile with delight at any visitor that arrived, and he wasn't especially gossipy about them, or analytical. I'm not so good with people as him, but I try to put in practice some of the things he did naturally, and it does work.

 

I think your on-screen persona is fabulous, I have to say!!

[greywolf]

No, I've never been stand-offish with any of them before. When I said that, I was talking about previous schools that I've gone to. Since I started this new school, I have been friendly with people, and tried to be a little bit more outgoing. Everyone is nice and friendly to me, but I still feel like the social outcast most of the time.

 

Also, thank you. =)