What would you do 420+bf=?

[believeme]

]Me and my boyfriend have been together for about a year. We love eachother. We actually met because of an online dating site. When we first started hanging out he knew what my dealbreakers were for a relationship. And Smoking weed was one of them. He told me about his past and how he use to smoke non stop all the time. i was fine with that it was in the past. SO its like a year later and i find out he has started smoking it again. he lied to me about smoking. He said that his reason was because i brought it up and said i would leave him if he did. Of course if he did back when i met him he never would have had a chance, but now it is a year later like i said and i love him, but it seriously KILLS me to see him smoke it smell like it or anything. Okay so i have been cheated on before from my first LOVE, most people probably know how much that hurts. Well every time i see him do it, ( he doesn't know i see him by the way) it feels like that i automatically feel overwhemingly sad.

 

We talked about this like 4 months ago or whenever he said he was thinking about doing it again and i told him i wouldnt be with someone who smokes weed. He reluctantly agreed only because he loved me and didn't want me to leave him. Well now he has started back again. he says he does it when he is bored. I am so upset and angry because i asked if he would go to the store with me and he said no, and then he leaves the room thinking i am just going to stay in there all night and he smokes weed. In the apt. where we are both living now.

That was two days ago, yesterday he wouldn't go to the store with me either and i just stayed in the room. He was at his computer with his headphones on. I heard him coughing. i came out and saw him smoking weed. i did this everytime he coughed last night. at least 6 times i caught him smoking without him knowing. I am angry that not only does he not care about me enough to realize this one thing is all i want. but he wouldn't go to the store with me and instead thinks its okay to spend the day smoking weed right out side the room he thinks im sleeping in.

 

I know he doesn't see anything wrong with it. but i do. and he knew i didn't approve from day 1. he even agreed and now he has suddenly changed his mind and lied to me about it. not just about smoking but also about where he got it. He doesn't know i know but i know where or should i say who, and i am more then upset about it. He thinks its okay to chill or whatever with dealers.

 

I have so many reasons for not wanting him to smoke. I don't want to be associated with someone who smokes. We are planning on getting married. and i would be ashamed if anyone knew that he smokes. I have some experience with this in a past relationship. The guy started smoking, he would lie to me about who he got it from and spend allllllllllllllll day smoking. i always said i would never date someone who did it. i made an exception for him because i thought i loved him and didn't know what i would do without him. Now i see that all i did is waste my time and get hurt.

 

I really don't want my boyfriend to be smoking. It hurts, like literally whenever i think about it, find new evidence, smell it, or anything.

 

He thinks that it is so wrong of me to try to tell him that i will leave him if he does it. But he knew from the start what he was getting into, I don't understand how weed could mean so much to him that he could choose to give me up for something like that. Honestly it just sucks.

 

He told me he is not going to lose me, and that i must not really love him if i could break up with him because of something like that. But that is just how strongly i feel about this.

 

its only been a few days since i found out he has been doing it, but i can already see this heading down the same path that it did last time. Only difference is that this time i know for sure i actually love him, yeah sure i start little fights all the time, and give silent treatments, and pretend i am mad when i am not, but really i love him he knows that , just like i know he loves me. The only thing that gets in the way of us is the weed thing,...

 

He tells me he isn't going to do it forever, one time he told me he just wanted to do it one more time, i said no, of course. But okay he has done it once, now what. When will it stop,...he gets mad when i blame the weed for anything,....which i do blame it. Who wouldn't when you feel as strongly about it as me. what makes it so damn good that he would even have to think about the decision.

 

He probably thinks i am just trying to control him and that after this im not going to let him leave the house with out me,,.....or some other kind of restricting thing that crazy gf's do. But thats not what i am trying to do.

I just want him to respect me and what i believe in and what he said was okay a year ago.

 

I didn't go back to school so i could stay with him,....Almost everyday i wish i was in school instead of working,...i want to do all the things i wont be able to because i decided he was the one and i didn't need to do all the stuff people should experience in college. As if that wasn't bad enough. just a few weeks ago i left my job. transfred so i could live with my boyfriend. I had already put it off for like 4 months and everytime i would move the date further he would get mad. Well i will tell you what, i didn't realize how great i had it at my old job,...this one sucks,...i have no friends here, and my family just moved 21 hours away. the only thing i have left is my boyfriend. Which would be enough, thats exactly what i planned on having anyways, but now i just feel unappreciated because of how much i gave up to be here, and he cant give up something as simple as weed. * * * .

 

This is probably super repetitive but i just can't explain in words how much this sucks.

 

I decided to stay with him,....not because i lowered my standards, because if that were the case it wouldnt hurt me that he smokes. The reason i stayed is because i do love him and i cant leave him. But i hate this feeling, i wish he understood how i feel,...I wrote a paper about my first love,....the worst emotional pain i have ever felt, i honestly don't think i will ever feel anything like that again. but this really is the same feeling just not as intense.

 

AM i being unreasonable. what can make me stop feeling like this is going to end in regret? Or am i right and him wrong?

 

Its not like i am angry with him non stop but its like everyday i find out something more hurtful. I am lacking so much trust in him right now.

ughhhhhhhhh why can't he just drink instead.

[IvantheAvg]

I'm a pothead myself and i can empathize with both of you. Somehow i don't think this will work out. It was the reason my ex broke up with me. There is no right or wrong. Its a variable that affects the relationship, however.

[fLuiD]

I skimmed through the post so I might have missed this, but what exactly about smoking weed is it that makes it a deal breaker for you? Other than the smell or seeing him do it. Look through your list of why you dont like weed smokers, and ask yourself if your boyfriend displays any of those characteristics you don't like about it. If he does, then your best bet is to go your separate ways. If he doesn't or if you can live with those characteristics, then I think you shouldn't give him a hard time about it. Maybe ask for him to moderate his use or to be honest and upfront about when he will be smoking.

 

As a recreational marijuana user myself, I am quite biased in my view on marijuana use. It really is one of the best ways to unwind from a day at work, although probably not the healthiest. I like to drink too, but drinking is more for when I am in a party mood. Alcohol in my opinion changes my personality way too much, usually for the worst. Alcohol is not a better substitute for weed.

[IvantheAvg]

Just the effect of "feeling good" everyday i feel has helped heal my PTSD.

 

If it comes ot the piont where he can't do something UNLESS he smokes weed (going to the movies, listening to music etc..) then i feel its a problem.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I'm interested to see what others will say, because this has been something I've dealt with, too. I FLATLY will not date a smoker, drug user or heavy drinker. I cannot handle it because I've been run through the ringer with my family doing these things. I'm not fussy about men in other ways, interests, looks, whatever else but those are my steadfast standards.

 

My ex lied to me constantly about smoking cigarettes. In the end we broke up because I didn't trust him for a number of reasons, but almost more than the opposition to the habit, lying does not make for a good relationship.

 

I think you may have to accept that he will smoke pot... it seems like he enjoys it and will do it occasionally. It is up to you to decide what that means for you.

[Mauxly]

Tough situation. I don't think you are being unreasonable. The weed changes people's personalities and it affects overall judgement (I'm sure I'll hear plenty of arguments from the smokers out there). I wouldn't be happy about this at all.

 

You really can't tell him what to do with his life. If he's hell bent on smoking, he is going to do it, or resent the heck out of you for making him quit. Not good fodder for a relationship.

 

I know it may be difficult, but you have to decide to leave. If you can't leave, then you have no choice but to accept it. I wish I had better advice for you.

[eggplant47]

Hmm... he loves laying on the guilt but maybe he doesn't really love you if he's willing to risk losing you for a stupid high.

 

You can offer to help him get couseling or go to re-hab to break his addiction to show how much you really love him, but he will probably say no. If he does, you have to wish him the best but start packing.

 

Not only is the smoking/lying damaging your relationship but it could cause you trouble in other ways too... Surely if he smokes often in your apartment you are inhaling some of the smoke- what if they start random drug testing at your new job? Or worse. I had a cousin in his early 20's that lived in the dormer of his parents house. He smoked/bought often. One night there was a small fire downstairs and the fire dept. came. They walked the entire house checking to make sure the fire was out & saw his little set up. They notified the police of what they'd found. When the police arrived they arrested not only him, but my Aunt & Uncle who were in their 60's & completely innocent. They'd never even been arrested before but they got to spend the night in jail. On top of that it was 36 hrs. before the police finished their search and they got to go back into their home.

 

Don't take anymore excuses. This is unhealthy behavior & it's effecting both of you!

[believeme]

Well from what i know ivantheavg that is how it use to be when he use to smoke. And from what i saw yesterday it looks like it wont be hard for him to do that. I just want to be convinced that its okay,....because honestly if it were legal i wouldn't care. and that makes me feel like a hypocrite but at the same time i for some reason have some weird emotional issue with it that makes me really up set when i catch him.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I work for a drug treatment court with probation officers, and contact highs do not register on quick strip drug screens, blood work or urine analysis. There is no worry there. Just fyi.

 

We get probationers claiming they "inhaled someone else's smoke" and that is why the tested positive. That statement usually lands them in jail lol.

[Mauxly]

Mar tini has a point. I've seen so many innocent roomates go to jail because ONE of them had it in the house. I personally wouldn't let anyone who smoked live with me. I've got lots of friends that do it, and don't have a problem with THEM doing it. But I don't want to take on the risk because of thier habit.

 

Another reason those stupid laws should be changed...

[Lunaetick]

This sort of thing usually ends up being a deal breaker for most people. From what I've seen, people who don't smoke weed usually have major problems with their partners smoking, even if just out of principle, and people who do smoke weed don't see the harm in it and are usually very unwilling to quit. I think this is one of those situations where you either have to accept him for how he is or let him go, because I think it's unlikely that he will change for you if he hasn't done so already.

 

I say this because this is the reason my last boyfriend and I broke up. He loved to smoke weed, and I didn't and had a problem with it. This ended up in him lying to me big time about how often he smoked, and created a lot of tension. It also went beyond just a moral opposition to it- he spent all of his extra money on weed and I had to pay for everything we did together, he was very lethargic and ended up putting on a lot of weight, plus it was really boring to hang out with him and his friends when they were all high and I was the only one who wasn't. I'm not saying that all smokers are this way, but this was my experience. Looking back, I should have never gotten serious with him when I had such a major problem with his lifestyle, but live and learn.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide. I know that this is tough. For me, I really wanted our relationship to work, but this was such a strain on us that I eventually fell out of love with him.

[Lamprey]

I'm curious, what is it that you don't like about him smoking? I'm curious because, in my mind, there are really two reasons people don't like it in their partner. One is simple dislike: they don't like the smell of it, or they're afraid of being embarassed in front of their non-smoking friends, etc. Kind of like tobacco or alcohol. There are people who won't ever be with someone who smokes cigarettes because they don't like the taste they get second-hand and the smell.

 

If that's your reason, then you have options: you can ask your guy to brush his teeth or shower after he smokes, not smoke on days when you two are together, etc. Simple and effective ways to get it out of your sight and so allowing you two to stay together.

 

On the other hand, you may have another reason, which is being convinced that smoking weed makes a person a drug addict. If that's the case, you're probably bouncing between the fear of being involved with a drug addict (omg, disease! crime! total wreck of a life, and I'm in it!) and the desire to save him from such fate. If this is the case then you may have no option but to end the relationship because it's very unlikely he'll see things your way.

 

You've likely figured out from the previous paragraph that I smoke pot myself. Here's a point of view, then, which is likely shared by your boyfriend. Weed is not addictive, nor is it possible to overdose on it (it's simply not toxic enough). It's less harmful than tobacco and alcohol. I'm not sure where you live, but in my state (NY) the penalty for being caught is a $100 fine - it's been decriminalized in NYS and is considered a civil citation, same level of offense as a traffic ticket (a misdemeanor is more serious). As for making someone a loser, my opinion is that if someone was going to make something of themselves, weed won't derail that. Again by my own example, I managed to finish college, pull in a salary well over 100k/yr, and buy a house - all before the age of 26, and all while smoking weed.

 

My wife doesn't smoke by the way, nor is she a huge fan of the stuff. We worked out a deal - I'll generally take a break for 2-3 months, then smoke for a month or so; usually in the evening, before bed or on a weekend when there's nothing better to do such as chores, shopping, etc. So I think it is possible to work something out.

 

However, you should understand one thing, and that's that he probably doesn't see this a problem and is mildly annoyed at you for jumping down his throat for "nothing". He's unlikely to want to change, and if you force him to via emotional blackmail ("I won't love you if you smoke, I'll leave!") it will be temporary. When you two have a fight or when you're out of town, he'll light up. In his mind, it's not like he's harming anyone by it.

 

So, to conclude this post - if you can't live with it, break up. It's better to receive a large of dose misery upfront (breakup) than live with small doses of it for months or years. But really, it's possible that there's no reason you couldn't live with it.

[eggplant47]

I work for a drug treatment court with probation officers, and contact highs do not register on quick strip drug screens, blood work or urine analysis. There is no worry there. Just fyi.

 

We get probationers claiming they "inhaled someone else's smoke" and that is why the tested positive. That statement usually lands them in jail lol.

 

Oh, well that's good then

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Weed is not addictive

 

Certainly can be addictive. Though there are no chemicals in marijuana that create a specific dependency, the high, the feeling and the process of obtaining and smoking marijuana is highly addictive, just like any drug. I work with people every day who cannot stop smoking pot and who have ruined their lives socially, legally, and financially in the process. (Whether I believe all of this fallout should be the case legally is not appropriate for ena, but still)

 

That being said, people can be addicted to a number of things. Food, shoes, fishing, whatever. Still, it is the OP's prerogative to dislike, though I agree that she should really figure out exactly WHY she is opposed to it.

 

Obviously this is a very polarizing subject, and it may ultimately polarize your relationship. I say you find someone who behaves the way you do and makes you feel more at ease about them and he can find someone who approves of his pot use and won't make him feel he needs to hide it.

[believeme]

Good job Lamprey. You sound pretty much like my boyfriend. I think i just don't like the idea of it because i have already been in a relationship with someone who started doing it all day everyday, and then selling, then lieing. i must just relate all negative things to it.

I wish it were legal so that i wouldn't care.

[eggplant47]

This is a really helpful post. I think you hit the nail on the head. Especially about the lethargy & expense created by what, by most standards, is a pretty innocent drug.

 

It's pretty clear that OP & BF have very different lifestyles.

[Lamprey]

Certainly is addictive. Though there are no chemicals in marijuana that create a specific dependency, the high, the feeling and the process of obtaining and smoking marijuana is highly addictive, just like any drug. I work with people every day who cannot stop smoking pot and who have ruined their lives socially, legally, and financially in the process. (Whether I believe all of this fallout should be the case legally is not appropriate for ena, but still.)

 

Gah, I always make this mistake when posting on forums... I don't clarify my position 100% and someone will misinterpret Sorry about that Iphgenia.

 

What I should've said was, it's not PHYSICALLY addictive, the way tobacco or heroin are. There are no chills or sweats when you stop smoking weed. As for mental addiction, you're absolutely right, people can become mentally addicted to anything - sex, food, etc. But that being the case, telling people not to smoke marijuana for fear of addiction is as valid as telling them not to eat chocolate for the same reason

[Sunny1607307996]

I only really had time to skim your post so forgive me if this does not address the issue.

 

I am 100% against smoking pot, for any reason. Like you, I told my boyfriend before we started dating that it was a deal breaker and that I don't have many, but I would break up with him if he smoked. He assured me that he never did it in the past and wasn't planning to in the future. He said it is not a problem. As far as I'm aware (and I trust him on this) he does not smoke.

 

We have been dating for 2.5 years and if I did find out he was smoking, like you, I would be torn. Part of the reason I am so against it is because my brother started out with pot and is now a full-blown addict. (And don't say it can't happen- it can. You can become addicted to anything, perhaps not physically, but mentally. I've seen it happen.)

 

It's easy for me to say now that if I caught him smoking I would break it off as a matter of principle, but we both know it's not that easy. We've invested a lot into these guys.

 

But, if you are planning on marriage and children, it is a huge concern (for me anyway). What if he smokes around the baby and the baby inhales it? What if he watches our children, or drives them to soccer practice, while high? What if he loses his job because he's too high to function? What if I lose MY job because he left a joint in my car? What if he continues to smoke all the rest of our married lives and our children take it up as well?

 

I mean, never forget that whether you agree with smoking pot or not it is I-L-L-E-G-A-L and there are legal ramifications if he leaves a joint in your car, a shared apartment, if he drives while high, etc.

 

So, as tough as it would be, and as much as I'd hate to do it, and as much as I would cry over this great guy, I would dump him if he started to smoke weed. I can't live my life like that, or with someone like that.

[believeme]

hmmm, what do you guys think the chances are that it will become legal in the next 5 years?

[IvantheAvg]

What I should've said was, it's not PHYSICALLY addictive, the way tobacco or heroin are. There are no chills or sweats when you stop smoking weed.

 

There is some evidence that shows it may be physically addictive. If i go for about 4 days without smoking i do get nightsweats.

 

There are legal issues potentially, especially if he drives high or when you/if you have kids.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Gah, I always make this mistake when posting on forums... I don't clarify my position 100% and someone will misinterpret Sorry about that Iphgenia.

 

What I should've said was, it's not PHYSICALLY addictive, the way tobacco or heroin are. There are no chills or sweats when you stop smoking weed. As for mental addiction, you're absolutely right, people can become mentally addicted to anything - sex, food, etc. But that being the case, telling people not to smoke marijuana for fear of addiction is as valid as telling them not to eat chocolate for the same reason

 

Well, usually when people come out in support of marijuana they have heard incorrect facts that support their decision to use. It just made logical sense.

 

People who use drugs really don't worry about the fact is it physically addictive or emotionally addictive, they don't really give two rat's about their body and the consequences, it is a release, a recreation, a good time.

 

I've never really heard of anti-weed PSA's claiming addiction since Reefer Madness lol, but mostly that it DOES pose a threat to society by impairing judgment. Don't drive, etc, etc.

 

The fallout from use is mostly legal and maybe that of productivity.

[IvantheAvg]

hmmm, what do you guys think the chances are that it will become legal in the next 5 years?

 

Obama could do it...20% i'll say. Its on the federal level where it counts.

[believeme]

he told me he would quit before we get married or have kids, what does that mean? Is he just bored?

[Lamprey]

Good job Lamprey. You sound pretty much like my boyfriend. I think i just don't like the idea of it because i have already been in a relationship with someone who started doing it all day everyday, and then selling, then lieing. i must just relate all negative things to it.

I wish it were legal so that i wouldn't care.

 

Actually, you bring up a very good point. Lying about something means the person thinks they have a reason to lie - it's the first indication of a problem. Doesn't matter if it's eating too much, smoking weed or murdering prostitutes (any Joel Rifkin fans out there? j/k). And doing it every day - that's overdoing it, no matter if it were legal or not. After all, would you be with someone who drinks vodka all day, every day? And moving on to selling the stuff puts him and, by extension, you at a heightened risk of legal trouble which means you did the right thing by getting out

 

It sounds like you do want things to work out. So does your boyfriend. But cutting him off 100% may not work. So, why not work out a compromise? Give him your blessing to get stoned twice a week, on the understanding he won't do it more than that. Make sure he understands that you're *both* compromising here: you're backing off from the zero tolerance policy, while he quits hiding it and drastically cuts down his intake.

[Mauxly]

hmmm, what do you guys think the chances are that it will become legal in the next 5 years?

 

Depending on where you live, pretty good actually!

But truthfully, is that what this is all about? The legality woud be an issue for me, but the underlying issue is that I would not want to be with someone who didn't feel comfortable in this reality without medicating.

 

I could stand it if my boyfriend did it once in a while, or just on the weekends. If it bled over into all the time...ugh...no way. I'd want someone who was experiencing the same reality I was.