I feel sick at what i have become

[SingleStar]

x

 

How is it possible i have let a guy make me feel this worthless to the point that i cant physically be alone without having a panic attack.

I'm sat here at work freaking out again.

 

I think this one little fling has been a catalyst for 5 years worth of stuff that i have bottled up and i dont know whats happening to me right now.

 

18 - Parents split

18-21 - Lived in very tense home, First love heartbreak, dragged out over years

21 - Got Kicked out, started drugs

22-twins misscarraige

23-Abusive relationship, on and off

24-Abortion, Large drug habit

25-20 people strong bullying of me, ex stole 4 k

26-latest guy... hot and cold... made me feel on top of the world then threw me off the pedistal.

 

there in a nutshell is 5 years worth of things that have built up and i feel like this latest heartbreak is the end.

 

i now live alone dont have anyone to turn to i have been having panic attacks if im alone for more than half and hour and basically avoiding facing the fact that its over.

 

i fell for him and then he kept me hanging for 6 months we finally tried again, had sex ( badly) and then he dissappeared.

 

This has left me feeling totally worthless and becuase i was so uncomfortable and nervous around him i feel i made it terrible. therefore im blaming myself.

 

i have lost all self respect and im dying inside.

[IvantheAvg]

At some point, you are gonig to evolve, and all those experiences are going to shape you into a strong person.

 

Give yourself a break. Baby steps back. Sometimes just staying safe is enough when you are going thru trauma.

[SingleStar]

i have changed, i have stopped drinking,drugs mended my relationship with my family and most of my friends however this is something im stuck on.

[IvantheAvg]

Hot and cold is the very essence of seduction so its not that abnormal to be broken down/hooked on him.

 

You've made alot of progess in your life...go NC...getting over a toxic relationship is like beating a drug...it ain't easy, but you know the blueprint...

[Eastern Blonde]

SingleStar I feel exactly the same, I know how horrible this is, it hurts so much you can't breathe.

[SingleStar]

exactly right....

 

my friends have told me im avoiding facing its over and i need to realise how horrible my ex was but i can only see the good and blame myself for being shy.