Haven't spoke to my father in over 4 years..

[KJ2008]

Alot of stuff went down when I was 15 going on 16 with my father. My mom and dad were divorced through my whole childhood (since i was 1) and there was always tension coming from both sides as most can imagine. She hated him, he hated her, and my brother and I were caught in the middle all along.

 

I dont want to go into great details about what happened, but there are soo many unresolved issues I have with my father (and ex-girlfriend for that matter) that I need to resolve and heal before I can truly move on and fix my new relationship, which I someone caused to get put on hold because of my insecurities and issues.

 

How should I ago about reconnecting with my father of which I haven't talked to in so long? Im not sure I could walk up to his door and knock at it without it turning angry. Please help..I've been really depressed the past two months and I need these things to come out.

[restingpieces]

I, myself, have a lot of unresolved issues with my parents. They are undoubtedly the source of my anxiety/fear of abandonment (and relationships do little to help this, as they always end).

 

I think what you really need to ask yourself if seeing your father is what's going to help? Or, will it make matters worse? Really think this over.

 

From someone who can relate, I will tell you I have decided not to approach them. As a lot of time has past and I just don't see the purpose in stirring things up, being an adult and addressing matters from so many years ago, especially since they never felt the need to smooth things over with me. They're the folks who are inherently designed to unconditionally love us - shouldn't that be their job? Shouldn't they be the one's to say sorry?

 

I had even tried, years ago, to bring up the subjects and remember being blown off, lied to about things I knew weren't true. This caused way more damage than what had already been there. I'm now distrustful, on top of thinking the instant someone says "I love you" they're going to leave me.

 

However, now I want control. So, therapy helps me in terms of this issue. I couldn't imagine actually having the conversation with them and being disappointed, yet again.

[KJ2008]

I've been thinking about this for a couple years actually, but always put a mask on because my mom, brother, and step-father all have harsh feelings towards my real father. From everything that did happen, I feel like it all was someone my fault and that if I wouldn't have escallated things, they wouldn't be like they are now.

 

Maybe talking to him, even if its not what I want to hear, will ease some things. I was a kid, a rebel, years back. I've done alot of growing up and feel like I need to atleast try and smooth things over. Things are already pretty bad right now and maybe this will help me. My girlfriend that left me the other day really helped me realize somethings about myself I never knew so I'm trying to release myself of who I am and realize who I can be.

 

Not the right forum, but I really do love this girl. Shes very different from all the other girls I've talked to or been with and she said she needs to figure things out. That she doesn't want to be around "ANYBODY" (including friends). Anyone know what that means?

[Shortpants]

I didn't speak to my father for 3 years back in my late teens to early 20's. Like you, I hated him and his actions, stuck in the middle of his nasty accusations of infidelity on my mom's part causing them to divorce (not the real reason, btw), heavy drinking and calling me for pity at 3 am, treating my sister and I like second rate citizens in our own home when he got remarried, draining our college savings accounts to buy his new wife a huge new house, blah, blah, blah. Then I realized even though I hated what he had chosen to do in and with his life, he was still my father, and I loved him. God forbid, he passed away before I had made ammends with him, I didn't want that on my conscience. My thoughts were that I didn't want to be at his funeral saying to myself, "I should have worked harder to reconnect with him and make peace".

I basically started opening the lines of communication with him again, with certain groundrules... some topics were not allowed (my mom, etc), he was not allowed to call me drunk (if he did I hung up), and he could not call me to whine and expect pity. Over the years we have come a long way, I love my father dearly, he has worked on and fixed many of his issues, and I have learned to love him for who he is. Is he flawed, heck yeah! But jeez, so am I! We are all human, even parents, and understanding their position, feelings, and WHY they are acting the way they are can go a long way in curbing the anger when dealing with them. I now feel kind of sad for my dad, he is stuck in a loveless marriage to a gold-digging woman, he is used by her kids, and all he really wanted was to be loved and respected.

I think if you go slow and limit the topics you discuss to "safe" topics, you might be ok. It will take time to rebuild the relationship, but he is the only father you will have. I wish you luck.