Is there a point in time where it's just TOO late?

[czjnkn]

My ex and I were together a little over a year. I had the feeling with her that i've never had for anyone else. The "this is the one" feeling. I had it so much that I bought us a house and she moved in a little after dating for 8 months. We, as many couples on here had talked of marriage and children. I couldn't believe that everything I wanted was actually coming true.

 

With having everything I wanted came overwhelming pressure. I had never been on my own before, let alone responsible for all the things i was doing at the time. Full time job, home, car, food, animals, girlfriend, etc. Over time things worsened and I began to feel generally sad for no reason. She is a fairly independent person and I became needy. I began to get very jealous and untrusting. It got to the point where she decided it was easier to just lie, rather than fight all the time. Once I found out I was beyond upset, but in retrospect it was really not that big of a deal. This led to me being unconfident, untrusting, emotionally cut off. She had said many times that she thought I was in a dark place and needed help to get out of it. Instead of listening, I would just get upset and start an even bigger fight.

 

Eventually I wore her down until she couldn't take it anymore. She broke up with me and moved in with her parents. The first couple weeks we still saw each other and even still acted bf/gf like. We had dinner together, watched tv, etc. Eventually that stopped. I did the begging/pleading thing a little to no avail. After about 2 months I went total NC. Ignored her texts and calls etc. I didn't really hear much from her until The 1st of January. I had went out with a girl for new years eve and she came home with me. I was trying my best to move on. The ex called me for the first time in months as I'm laying in bed with this girl. I ignored the call and within 15 minutes I heard a car door slam, my ex was in the driveway! I freaked and went outside to meet her rather than let her inside where the other girl was. She was upset that i was ignoring her since I owed her money for a mutual furniture purchase we decided to take on. I was very cold to her and didn't say much, she then said, "well, can I at least get a hug?". That was the last time I've had any kind of positive feeling come from her.

 

She sent a text about 2 weeks later very upset asking if I had ever told her the truth, i'm a liar, etc. believing a rumor that I had a new girlfriend that had moved in with me. I played it off to her as if it didn't matter if I did, but i didn't. Eventually things cooled down and she said "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have listened to the rumor and just trusted you". I set something up a couple weeks later to hang out. It was awkward and I was very shy and unconfident. We basically sat around and did nothing. I said there wasn't anything I wanted to talk about (because I didn't want to come on too strong with relationship talk). After the meeting I texted the next day saying, I do actually want to talk and we should meet again. She said, ok i guess, I'll let you know when I can.

 

I never heard from her in over a week and ended up seeing her at a bar we both go to. I overheard a guy point her out and say how easy she was and they meet up every couple months and he does whatever he wants to her. I couldn't help myself because I was very drunk and went and told her this and said I was just trying to look out for a friend. She got very upset at me and said that she already told me she doesn't want to date me, that the things I did were irreparable, and I need to stop. Being drunk, I said awful things and we both argued back and forth via text through the next morning.

 

A week or so later she sends a text saying "I know you're mad about last weekend, but we can still be friends if you want". I told her I can't. I hadn't heard from her since. I saw her at that same bar two more times. We just said hi to each other and chatted for about 2 minutes. The last time I saw her, my friend visible saw that I was upset by seeing her and decided to take it upon himself to talk to her. He came back saying that she loves me, but she doesn't want to be with me. Something I've heard her already say.

 

A few weeks later, I get a text out of the blue saying that we need to make a deadline about the money I owe her. We have a few quick texts back and forth and then all of a sudden I decide to send her a super long one saying that I know things were bad with us, it was good we broke up when we did, I didnt like who I was, I;ve matured, I think we could make it now, we should talk about it later when I pay her, etc. I asked her not to respond to it and just think about it. She responded about an hour later, ignoring it and asking me about a package that was delivered to my house for her. This was the last contact we had.

 

Then about 3-4 weeks ago, I just out of nowhere decided to text her and asked to hang out and we could hopefully get the money straightened out. She said she didn't know when she could, but sure. She called a few days later and arranged for us to meet for a drink on monday. Monday came along and i was excited, only to find that she said she was sick and canceled, asking to reschedule. I said it was fine. Over 2.5 weeks went by and she never rescheduled. I told her I'd have the money soon and didnt know if I should send it or if she still wanted to hang out. She said "we can still hang out". She still never rescheduled.

 

I'm getting the money on Monday and sent her a text asking where she wanted me to send the money assuming we weren't hanging out. She said she could come pick it up from me or we could meet in town. I said I'd already be in town and that we could meet. She said ok, we can meet for a drink and i'll get the money then.

 

So, it seems that she's only meeting for the money, but I do at least have a small window of time for a drink with her. I'm going to act confident, funny, flirty, etc. and hope she sees change that will lead to another meeting. I'm scared though. It's been 6 and a half months and I fear it's too late. I never made much of an effort to get back together as I wanted to take the time to make sure I actually made changes before I put in an effort.

 

Can anything redevelop still? I feel as this meeting might be moot.

[czjnkn]

Just kind of curious because I have read that the longer the separation the better the reconciliation, but at times I think i waited too long.

[The Wheel]

Can anything redevelop still? I feel as this meeting might be moot.

 

It won't be moot. You're going to remove a financial stress from both of your respective lives. That is valuable.

 

Can anything ever develop between you? Nobody here can honestly tell you yes or no. The best advice though would be to settle this money matter and then let things be for a while.

[czjnkn]

Yes, the financial stress will be gone. However, I feel if I let things be for awhile after that, it'll have been far too long. We're on the verge of coming up to 7 months apart with very little contact between us. I'd say if we put all the texts, phone calls, and in person meetings together, there'd be about 3 hours total time in the last 7 months. Obviously she is either moved on or has a little amout of feeling that isn't enough to contact, miss, or want to hang out with me. I feel like I need to try and kickstart that feeling with her, otherwise I just have to call it quits. I just want to make a real last effort so i don't have to ask myself "what if" down the line.

[brandnewday47]

I agree... removing the financial stress is a very, very good thing. As far as what the future holds, it is hard to say. I would recommend though that if you do meet up, use it as an opportunity to try and see things from her perspective. Learn about her "lizard", so to speak. There is some great info here link removed , about safety and such. It might give you an opportunity to react when you are not overly emotional. Try to be calm and cool, and keep an eye out if she seems to get a little panicky.

[czjnkn]

I agree... removing the financial stress is a very, very good thing. As far as what the future holds, it is hard to say. I would recommend though that if you do meet up, use it as an opportunity to try and see things from her perspective. Learn about her "lizard", so to speak. There is some great info here link removed , about safety and such. It might give you an opportunity to react when you are not overly emotional. Try to be calm and cool, and keep an eye out if she seems to get a little panicky.

 

I'm hoping she opens up a bit with a good feeling of removing some of the financial stress from her life.

 

I have been taking a look at things through her perspective be it in therapy or just when I'm sitting around thinking. I definitely see how it was draining on her and I know how hard it would be for her to believe I've changed such behaviors that I exuberated so extremely at times. I know she's put a wall up and reminds of herself of all the bad things I've done as a reminder so she never ends up in that position again (she's actually told me this). So I feel it's going to be hard to get her past that feeling.

 

I wouldn't meet her in the thoughts of trying to work towards reconciliation if i didn't wholeheartedly believe that I've made the change, otherwise I know that even if we did get back together, without the change it would just end again. I don't know how to get that accross to her without just actually saying it.

 

Half of me wants to bring up trying to hang out more with the possibility of working things out when we meet and half of me says avoid it and just show her the changed you and she'll want to meet again. I guess I'll end up basing that on how the meeting is going. If it seems to be going slumpy, I might just put it all out there, if we're having a good time I'll probably lay back on it.